Archive for November, 2011

Next, Please

November 30, 2011

Why are we still talking about it? Who the hell cares? I was bored with them before they started sucking up all that unnecessary media time. Basically, here’s ten people, places and things I’m completely sick of…

Courtney Stodden and that creepy-ass husband of hers

The 2012 Mayan Apocalypse and especially people who believe in it

Cyber Monday, Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and other made up retail “holidays”

Radio stations playing holiday music 24/7

Ice Road anything

Occupy Wall Street

Wall Street

Pepper Sprayin’ SOBs

Netflix business woes

Cain, Perry, Romney, Bachmann, Gingrich, Paul, Huntsman, Roemer, Johnson, Santorum and anyone else on this epic fail of a Republican bid for inadequacy

Yes, please, I’ve had up to here with the whole lot of you. Please deposit your 15 minutes at the same door you should not let you hit you on the ass as you leave through it.

Thanks For The Memories

November 29, 2011

Today’s my grandfather’s birthday but I’ve got a bunch of meetings and a couple of deadlines I need to meet, so I can’t swing by the retirement villa just now.  The good thing is he has a really bad memory so I can celebrate his birthday any time I want.  Can’t make it today? Just swing by next week or the week after.  I can wait until January or February, heck, April even and bring him a cake and get all the nursing home residents to sing happy birthday.  In fact, I did that three times in one week last July, so now technically I’m set until about 2015!

Happy Birthday, Brak!

November 27, 2011

Sob Story

November 26, 2011

No, that was NOT me crying in the back row at the 12:30 matinee of Arthur Christmas at Southpoint Cinemas. Don’t care if it looked like me; it wasn’t. Don’t care if it sounded like me; it wasn’t. Don’t care if we made eye contact when you shouted my name; it wasn’t me! I mean, if it was me – which it wasn’t – I couldn’t be blamed for – y’know, it’s healthy to cry sometimes and – well, because that little girl didn’t get a present and she thought Santa forgot her and – oh god – IT WASN’T ME! Seriously, shut up about it!

The Nerd Kind

November 24, 2011

Every Thanksgiving during dinner I like to stop in mid-meal, oddly stare at my plate and then slowly sculpt my mashed potatoes into a model of the Devils Tower. Then I obsessively intone, “This means something. This is important!”

Sure it’s horribly derivative but it completely freaks the kids out since they’ve never seen that movie.

Ursa Major!

November 23, 2011

But is it a real product and can I buy it?

Turkey Day Memories

November 23, 2011

As you’re coping with extended family and indulging in once-a-year foodstuffs like marshmallow yams and cranberry sauce, enjoy these retro looks at Thanksgivings past with THE 10 GREATEST MACY’S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE BALLOONS and THE 8 THANKSGIVING SPECIALS NO ONE IS THANKFUL FOR.  At the very least, maybe it’ll give you an excuse to distance yourself from hug-happy Aunt Roberta for a few minutes.  I mean, what … does the woman freakin’ bathe in perfume?!

Random Confession #26

November 21, 2011

I once paid a Guatemalan woman to bake me a cake and sing to me on my birthday. I had wrapped up some stuff beforehand so that she could pretend to give me gifts as well. I’m not proud of what I did. I was lonely. (And it wasn’t cheap.)

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

November 20, 2011

Five Awesome Songs That Are Also TV Themes

Short Skirt / Long Jacket by Cake (Chuck)

Can You Save Me by Power (Covert Affairs)

C’mon C’mon by the Von Bondies (Rescue Me)

Teardrop by Massive Attack (House)

Bad Things by Jace Everett (True Blood)

 

Five Embarrassing Books On My Shelf

The Secret

First Step 2 Forever by Justin Bieber

If I Did It by O. J. Simpson

What To Expect When You’re Expecting

Cooking With Pooh

 

Five Ways To Kill A Kardashian

A wooden stake through the heart

With kindness (last resort only)

By making their heads explode, like in Scanners

Using an ancient European spiked mace

Slowly, very very slowly

 

Five Ben & Jerry’s Diseases

Cinnamon Bunions

Chunky Monkeypox

Peanut Brittle bone syndrome

What A Cluster headache

Schweddy Balls

 

Five Geek Pickup Lines

I have every episode of Space: 1999 on Laserdisc.

If you think my Doctor Who scarf is long…

Aren’t you a little hot for a Stormtrooper?

If you were a comic book, your condition would be very fine!

I just cast an engorgio spell – in my pants!

 

Sparky MacMillan will never have to wear a saddle for money again.

Gimme Shelter

November 19, 2011

The Shelter Project is a PSA campaign to encourage the adoption of shelter pets. It’s got a good heart, a clever tact and treads the ever-precarious balance of cute yet funny. This one’s called “Sandbox.”