An Open Letter To Humans From the Animal Kingdom…
Dear Man (and please don’t get all indignant that we used such an un-PC term; you’re the ones who coined it!):
Recently, we members of the Wild Kingdom have been in the news a lot. At first, we thought it best not to say anything and let our press speak for itself. But then it occurred to us that some of you bipeds still don’t quite get it.
So, here it is, spelled out for all of you to understand (even the slow ones who watch reality TV):
We are wild animals. Get it? Wild. Capital W. It’s in our name. Wild animals. Wild kingdom. Wild N’ Out. (Oops, sorry, no, that’s that crappy Nick Cannon show on MTV). Anyway, the point is our natural habitats are wild places. Africa, Australia, South America, sometimes even the forests in your back yard. Not zoos, not circuses or Las Vegas stage shows – and definitely not cramped, filthy apartments in some backward town in North Carolina! When you take us out of our homes, we get stroppy. Sure, we may wait it out, bide our time, pretend we’re being “trained” and enjoying our “captivity” but all we’re really doing is waiting for that one moment when you turn your back or fall or (and even we can’t believe you’re this stupid) let your kids in our pens to play with us.
And it’s not that we’re evil. No. We’ll say it again: we are wild. Not drunken-coed-being-filmed-by-Snoop-Dogg wild but feral, untamed, savage, unrestrained, ferocious, primitive wild. We live, breathe, hunt, mate and die by our instincts. The best you can do is try to understand us. The worst you can do is think we can ever be your pets. That role is filled by the canines and felines your ancestors began domesticating thousands of years ago (and that’s why they’re called domestic pets, by the way, Spanky). Everything else – lions, tigers, bears, birds, squirrels, lizards, mice, spiders – should be left alone in its own natural state. And you can damn well stop encroaching upon that too. You’ve got plenty of space of your own to crap out your mewling brats and build your strip malls, leave our jungles and rainforests and woodlands alone, okay?
Bottom line: we can live and coexist in peace and harmony as long as you don’t try to change us. You can watch us, help us, protect us, look after us from afar, but stop capturing us, training us and imprisoning us. Stop your hunting, poaching and killing. (And while you’re at it, keep that Jeff Corwin buffoon away from us too.)
We don’t necessarily want to bite you or maul you or turn you into dinner but what else are we supposed to do when you treat us wild animals like pound puppies? Face it: when we see you in our natural habitats, we want to either run from you or eat you. Because basically that’s all you are to us: danger or dinner. And it sucks to be put in that position.
It’s not good to bite the hand that feeds you. Even if that hand is what you want to be fed.
All Creatures Great And Small
The Wild Kingdom,