Archive for September, 2015

September 30 Trivia Rankings

September 30, 2015

Hola, Quizlings! Fun time had by all, I hope. The final round definitely took its toll on a few teams but that’s how you separate the women from the girls, I guess.

Remember: Every Wednesday in October we’ll celebrate our sixth anniversary with some special prizes. Bring your friends, bring your enemies. Whatever ups your game.

Now, here are the rankings…

Job Interview Hell 70
Who’s In First 63
Our Trivia Name Writer Is On Vacation 63
Man Dies After Courageus 4-Year Battle With Gorilla 62
Papal Fiatsco 62
New VW Emissions Test Fahrfrompootin 58
Matthews Is Back! 57
Martian Springs Bottled Water 56
Rain, Rain, Go Away! 56
Blood Moon Hidden By Cloud Band-Aid 55
There’s Always Money In The Banana Stand 55
Just Married … Brownie? 52
Thing One, Thing Two And Thing Three 49
Is There Life On Maaaaaaaars? 48
Shut The Trump Up! 45
Whoops! I Burned Down The Banana Stand 43
Plump, Engorged Tick 43
The Flying Corgis 41
Anal Cranial Inversion 29


September 29, 2015

Five Candy Bars I Miss



PB Max


Bar None


Five Holidays You’ll Probably Never Get A Card For

Columbus Day

Chinese New Year

Victoria Day

Leif Erikson Day

First Day of Atlantic Hurricane Season


Five Foods You May Be Surprised To Hear I’ve Eaten

Habenero stuffed olives

Pork brains

Friskies cat food

Chicken livers

Cookies salvaged from a dumpster behind a bakery


Five Pets That Make You A Tool



Dog chained up in yard

Poisonous Snake

Any jungle cat in an apartment


Five Sentences I’ve Never Spoken (And Never Will)

“Bartender, another Pink Lady, por favor.”

“I will pay you large sums of money to kick me in the nuts.”

“A spastic monkey pantomimes Aquarius shenanigans in Bolivia.”

“President Bush was the best leader our nation could ever ask for.”

“Please put your clothes back on, Sarah Michelle.”

Speaking Of Popes…

September 26, 2015

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to be a new pope.

People I Hate #121 (In A Series)

September 25, 2015

Who: The snake handling preacher

Why I Hate Him: He handles snakes!!! Actually picks them up and freakin’ handles them!!!

How I justify it: If you can’t extricate the bat-shite crazy from your particular brand of religion then you deserve every ounce of venom the little bastard’s gonna inject right into your circulatory system.

September 23 Trivia Rankings

September 23, 2015

I hope all the Quizlings had fun tonight. We flashbacked to 2005 and flashed forward to my curmudgeonhood.

Don’t forget – Tomato Jake’s Wednesday Night Trivia is observing its sixth anniversary all next month so come out and play to celebrate with us and maybe win some cool (if not cooler) prizes.

Now, quickly, to the rankings!

I Don’t Know’s In Third 66
Maybe The Pope Can Turn California Wine Into Water 65
Tomato On The Run 64
If You Find The Fork In The Road Take It To Tomato Jake’s 64
Shart-nado 57
Swiss Swag 56
I Can’t Feel My Mace When I Windu 55
Walker Texas Clock Block 55
Pope-ular Science 55
Toby’s Sweet 16 54
It’s Deja Vu All Over Again 53
Hands Above The Waist Pope 53
I Have No Clue What’s Happening In The World 52
Volkwagen: Das Dirty Auto 52
Winnie-The-Pooch 50
More Useless Than Normal 48
The Pasty White Stay-At-Home Boys 48
Hey, Boo Boo – It Ain’t Over Til Its Over 48
You Wouldn’t Have Won If We’d Beaten You 47
Hermione Danger 45
The Drinkin’ Lawyers 43
Mahna Mahna 40
Dances With Ferrets 41
Tequila Mockingbird 37

Catholic S’Cool

September 22, 2015


Get ready!!


It’s coming!!


Bigger than the Baptist Convention….


Greater than a Billy Graham Crusade…


More raucous than a Fundamentalist Polygamous Sect!


It’s POPE-A-PALOOZA!!!!!!!!


Thrill to the mass hysteria of a rockin’ & rollin’, knock-down-drag-out, rootin’ tootin’ homily that makes the Sermon on the Mount seem like a street corner rant!




SEE! The Pontiff pontificate on piousness!!!


WITNESS!! His Holiness harangue the heathens!!!


EXPERIENCE!!! The verbal virtue of valiant Vatican viewpoints!!!!




From the people who brought you The Snake Handlers Hullabaloo, Scientology Unplugged and Mary Baker Eddy on Ice, it’s…




Confession’s good for the soul, so we have to tell you you’d be CRAZY to miss this sensational service!!!


He’s thrilled millions around the world with his holy headway and religious retractions!


He’s faced down anti-environmentalists and capitalists and absolved the sins of a generation!




If you’re Catholic, you can’t miss it!! And, if you’re not Catholic, you’d better convert!




Coming soon to a stadium, arena or fairgrounds near you!!!




Power to the Papal!

The Paper Chase

September 19, 2015

When I was young, my hometown was terrorized by a wild piñata. Every day, it would run into town and cause lots of property damage and kill livestock. Once it dragged a small child away in the night. Eventually we had to call in a group of kids celebrating a birthday. They tracked the piñata to its den, strung it up and beat it to death, spilling its candy guts onto the ground. They cheered and paraded its papier-mâché carcass around town.

Very messy and savage. Very Lord of the Flies.

September 16 Trivia Rankings

September 16, 2015

If you were watching the debate, you missed an exceptional night of trivia (you also lost a few IQ points, I’d imagine, just by being exposed to the political mishigas for a few hours).

If you missed the fun, Quizlings learned that 9 Lives should increase its advertising budget, Stevie Wonder needs to come up with a better pseudonym and very few people remember the runners-up.

(BTW The one lesson I learned was that no question should ever be considered impossible.)

Here are the rankings…

Goodbye Bob 😦 69
The Gas Passers 60
All Jack Wants For Christmas Is His Two Front Teeth 58
I Think Jeff Killed Bob 57
Kickball Team With A Trivia Problem 56
Jeff is back … For the win! 53
We’re Here For The Free Ice Cream 53
The Four Musketeers 51
The Whale’s Vagina 51
Whitney’s 30 – Trade A Cupcake For A Brownie? 47
[googly eyes pumpkin stickers] 46
It’s Debatable (And Thank God We’re Missing It) 45
There She Is … Miss Tomato Jake! 44
Bruce Willis Was Dead The Whole Time 40
#notadoctor’sstethoscope 38
Rake Your Face 33
The 3 Best Friends 30
The Tronny Cat 28

And finally…

I Love Lamp!

September 15, 2015

Back in the days before National Lampoon was nothing more than a hack factory for direct-to-DVD grade-B dreck like Dorm Daze 2, this illustrious comedy brand spawned the country’s preeminent humor magazine, a slew of comedy albums, a road tour, a radio show and a handful of actually funny films like Animal House and Vacation.

Take, for instance, the satiric poem Deteriorata. Back in the days of Woodstock and waterbeds (when people really and truly believed that biorhythms and zodiac signs meant something), peace and love spread good vibes throughout the land and the world communed to a groovy tune. Unfortunately, many people took themselves and this movement far too bloody seriously. Thus, a poem emerged called Desiderata (allegedly – read: pretentiously – found in an old Baltimore church) that encapsulated this spirit. It was, of course, poppycock, and Tony Hendra (most noticeably of This Is Spinal Tap fame) penned the obverse composition, Deteriorata, which so perfectly skewered the original in exceptional NatLamp fashion.

Far out, baby. Hear it for yourself.

The John Locke Foundation

September 12, 2015

I know we’re all gonna have disparate opinions on most things. People are different, I get that. Tomato, toe-mah-tow, yep, that’s a basic tenet of life. One man’s chocolate is another’s vanilla, hey, granted. I honestly, truly, implicitly understand that there are different sides to the same story and people think differently and not everyone believes the same thing I do and – I get it, okay, let’s stop belaboring the point!

But can we at least all come together on one thing and each and every one of us acknowledge that it is our solemn duty to – as members of a shared society – lock the damn bathroom door when you’re in there?!

It’ll just avoid a lot of needless embarrassment is all I’m sayin’.