Archive for April, 2019

Med Men

April 28, 2019

When I was in my early 20s I went to a doctor who wasn’t a pediatrician for the first time. During the physical, he gave me the full once over and asked me the type of questions I’d never been on the receiving end of before. At one point he asked if I was “regular” but I didn’t know what that meant. I’d heard the term before but not in context. I thought he was asking me if I was gay or straight. This kind of bothered me since I felt that was crossing a line and not particularly relevant to my health. Still, I told him reluctantly that I thought I was “regular enough.” He then followed with, “How often would you say?” I was, of course, really thrown by this one but returned with a tentative, “Maybe once every few months, if I’m lucky.” The doctor looked at me, shocked, and then wrote me a prescription for the biggest industrial-strength laxative I’d wager any human ever ingested. It basically turned my digestive tract into a sluice. I lost nearly 20 pounds before we realized what the miscommunication had been.

Learned my lesson though: always lie to you physician.


The Gaul!

April 26, 2019

French Cheeses

I was driving by a local high school recently when I noticed the marquee sign out front – you know the one that usually says things like Pep Rally Friday or Report Cards Next Week. I normally just pass it by without a second glance only this time a double take was required because the sign said:

French Cheese Night Thursday

What the hey?! When I was a kid, the most culturally impressive thing we ever did was the Language Olympics and Donkey Basketball, but these precious youths are sampling Roquefort and Reblochon. And this wasn’t even a private school! I guess I thought all that really separated my generation and the young people of today was cell phones and a more sexually-charged music. Was I ever wrong. These kids are out eating French cheeses and probably playing squash and polo! Do they have driver’s ed in BMWs? Is Robin Leach the school principal? Am I just so freakin’ jealous it isn’t even funny?

Asked and answered. Move along now … and don’t bloody choke on your Brie.

April 24 Trivia Rankings

April 25, 2019

Another fantastic week and another great crowd that came out for a magnificent game. And some even came for the trivia.

Please take a few minutes to vote for Tomato Jake’s as Best Trivia Night in Durham County at’s Best of the Triangle. Polls close May 8 and if we win there will be an awesome party!

This week, we medaled on Dancing With the Stars, hit the Hot 100 with Weird Al and got the Lannisters to make nice thanks to Elmo. Plus there was the schedule reveal by the Tar Heel State’s NFL franchise…

Now check out the team rankings for the week. See how you measure up and we’ll do it again next Wednesday.

The Night King Did Nothing Wrong 68
Endgame Spoiler: Howard the Duck Saves The Day 65
Bored of Education 64
“Is The Big Woman Still Here?” 63
Back of The Class 62
All In 60
Storm Warning: Hurricanes Approach Capital 58 (tie)
Thanos Did Nothing Wrong 58 (tie)
DINKs With Dogs 54
It’s Gonna Be May 54
Podrick’s Next 53
Justice League Wasn’t That Bad 49
Skeleton Crew 49
Team Definitely Not Russian Spies 44

Rabbit Redux

April 21, 2019

Always remember – no matter where you go, no matter what you do, wherever you are in life … the Easter Bunny hates you.

Happy Easter!


April 19, 2019

What do you get when you mix a World War II prison camp with the most bizarre product placement possibly ever devised? This – a Hogan’s Heroes ad for Jell-O (in character and complete with special guest star Miss Carol Channing). Why? Apparently because we’ve all forgotten the tremendous selling power of Nazis.

April 17 Trivia Rankings

April 18, 2019

Another fine, fine week for trivia (honestly, the weather could not have been better). Missed some familiar faces but always lovely to see new ones, including the first canines of the season.

Please take a few minutes to vote for Tomato Jake’s for Best Trivia Night in Durham County over at and their Best of the Triangle (the category is third from the bottom in the Out & About section). If we win, there will be prizes and treats and a celebration the likes Quizlings have never seen! Seriously, it’ll be fun.

This week, we saw the unseeable, played cards with a dummy and threw knives at the ground and grabbed them with our teeth. Plus we saved on insurance with a cool bird …

Now let’s check out the trivia rankings for the week. How’d your team do?

Tampa Bay: Bracket Buster 64
Where Will Quasimodo Sleep? 61
Don’t Be A Moby Dick 61
Trivia Easter Egg Hunt? 60
Shouldn’t Captain America Be A General By Now? 59
Blame Quasimodo 58
The Real Housewives Of Westeros 58
Our Lady is Smokin’ Hot 55
The Goodest Teachers 52
The Night King Likes Shrimp Cocktail 48
We Met Zion 46
Great Minds Drink Alike 46
Beware The Blue Eyes 38


April 16, 2019

When I was ten I played hide and seek with some kids in my neighborhood. There was this one little kid, Brucie, who kept getting found first because his hiding places weren’t very well thought out. He was maybe around 7 or 8 and he started to cry a little because he was so bad at the game. I tried to calm him down by telling him he had to be more creative in his hiding. Standing behind a small tree wasn’t good enough – inside things or under things was better. My stupid little pre-adolescent brain attempted to give this little crybaby a lesson in concealment like I was the head of MI5 or something. Well, we started to play the game again and Brucie got this look on his face like he was going to crack this thing. As he trotted off down the street I heard him mutter, “I’ll show ’em all. They’ll never find me.”

And he was right. We never saw him again. Being kids, we stopped looking after about 10 minutes, figuring he’d gone home or something. But later we saw cops at Brucie’s house and Missing posters popped up around the neighborhood the next day (I swear I even saw his face on a milk carton a few months later). His family moved away about a year after. They never found Brucie.

I’d like to imagine that some day, decades from now, somebody’ll be doing some yard work or renovating a garden shed and find an 80-year-old Brucie stashed away in a hole in the ground or behind some lawnmowers and rakes. Still hiding. Because, as he said, he’d show us all.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Game Of Thrones Edition)

April 13, 2019


Five Lesser Daenerys Targaryen Titles

The Bellicose Blonde

She Who Must Be Obeyed

Westeros’ Top Model

Queen of All Double Dragon Players

Terminator Genisys Apologist


Five George R. R. Martin Excuses For Not Writing

Windows 10 keeps crashing

Writer’s block … or brain freeze … er, which one do you get from eating ice cream?

Even I can’t keep all these meshuga characters straight

Trying to research the sex scenes but no one will have sex with me

I just love to make slobbering fanboys wait


Five Things Jon Snow Will Never Say

Enough fighting – let’s mamba!

I’m all out of Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific!

That wall looks a little high … and I’ve got a touch of vertigo.

Kiss me, Littlefinger.

Holy crap – I really do know nothing!


Five Game of Thrones Breakfast Cereals


Hodor Puffs

Unsullied Oats

Raven Bran

The Cereal Has No Name


Five Things A Dumb Guy Watching GoT Says 

I’m not sure them dragons is real.

If it’s winter why don’t they just put on a sweater?

If my sister looked like Cersei, I’d do her too.

Where the hell’s Gandalf?

I wish “Ballers” was on.


April 10 Trivia Rankings

April 11, 2019

It was a lovely night for trivia but it was a diminished albeit enthusiastic crowd that took advantage of the opportunity. (Regulars: You are ALWAYS missed!) We’ll do it again next week and every week thereafter.

Please vote for Tomato Jake’s for Best Trivia Night in Durham County at’s Best of the Triangle 2019. If we win, you Quizlings get a mega thanks in the way of free grub, thanks to Glen, and double the Big 3 Prizes, courtesy of Sparky. Voting ends May 5th so tell your friends and family. Anyone with an email address can cast a ballot*!

This week, we got diseases from hedgehogs, played Scrabble in Gilead and evolved our Charmander into “hands down one of the coolest Pokémon out there.” Plus, there was this ice cream memory…

Now check out the team rankings for the week. Enjoy!

go canes. no caps. 66
Tonight Only: Free Pollen On Every Pizza! 65
I Can’t Smell or Taste Anything – Glen, Do Your Worst 65
Winter Fell And It Can’t Get Up 61
Department Of Homeland Insecurity 60
Team [Redacted] 59
Is This The Yellow Snow They Warned Us About? 58
Bored Of Education 58
Winging It 58
Breaker Of Breadtsicks And Mother Of Calzones 56
No Love For Bob Seger 50
Beer Before Glory 43

*While you are voting in Best of the Triangle at, please vote for some of out pals (worthy of your time):

Best Trivia Night in Durham County – Tomato Jake’s

Best Wings in Durham County – Tomato Jake’s

Best Comic Book Store in the Triangle – Ultimate Comics

Best Pet-sitting Service in Durham County – Rachel McNeil

Best Pet-sitting Service in Orange/Chatham County – Rachel McNeil

Best Veterinary Practice in Orange/Chatham County – Cats Love Housecalls

Best Nonprofit in Orange/Chatham County – Carolina Tiger Rescue

Best Hardware Store in the Triangle – Ace Hardware

April 10, 2019


It’s the LAST DAY to VOTE for Tomato Jake’s Pizzeria for BEST TRIVIA NIGHT IN DURHAM COUNTY at indyweek’s Best of The Triangle 2019. The category is third from the bottom in the Out & About section. I’d appreciate your support and it’s a party if we win, Quizlings!