Archive for October, 2017

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (1970s Edition)

October 30, 2017

[The following is a piece I originally wrote back in 1979 on my old ARPANET site: “Sparky’s Far Out Dy-no-mite Funkadelic Super Rockin’ Heavy Scene”]

 

Five TV Characters Cooler Than The Fonz

Vinnie Barbarino

Buck Rogers

Venus Flytrap

The White Shadow

Tie: Bo Duke / Luke Duke

 

Five Trends That Need To Go Away

Pet Rocks

Disco

CB Radios

Pong

Stagflation

 

Five Foxy Ladies I’d Marry Now If They Asked

Lynda Carter

Linda Ronstadt

Loni Anderson

Olivia Newton-John

All Of Charlie’s Angels (Except Sabrina)

 

Five Lessons Learned Due To The Energy Crisis

OPEC is an acronym that stands for … something

You meet sexier chicks on odd number gas days

A Buick LeSabre might not have been the best choice for a fuel efficient vehicle

Carter looks dorky in a sweater

If the price of gas ever goes over 75 cents, civilization will collapse

 

Five Reasons I’m Looking Forward To The ‘80s

The sequel to Star Wars

The Knack’s next album will be even better than their first

The US will kick ass at the 1980 Summer Olympics

With the coming of the Space Shuttle, moon cities can’t be far away

Jon Anderson will be the best president we’ve ever had!

 

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Fool Me Once …

October 27, 2017

Back in fifth grade, my best friend and I went in halfsies on what we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt was going to be the coolest thing ever in our young lives – a monster! But not just any monster, no – a life-size monster that obeys your every whim and comes when you command!

We ordered it out of the back of a comic book. I think it was $1.50, so we each put seventy-five cents in an envelope and mailed it off. It said wait six to eight weeks but of course we’d come home every day after school and immediately look in the mailbox. We did this for two months. Finally, it arrived. (more…)

October 25 Trivia Rankings

October 26, 2017

What a lovely night for trivia – fall was in the air and the questions were on 5 by 8 index cards ‘cuz that’s how I roll. Thanks to all who came and played. Please do spread the word, Quizlings.

Missed it? The topics of the evening included KFC’s 11 Herbs & Spices, new wave birds and a much better name for fire ants.

Now here are this week’s trivia night rankings…

Hollywood’s Groping For Answers 69
What A Flake! 66
Get Quizzy With It 64
For The Love Of God, No Sports Questions 63
Where The Hell Is Jamie? 62
Nothing’s Better Than Ezra 61
Flake News 60
Ain’t That A Shame RIP Fats Domino 57
Juju On That Bike 52
Carolina Quizards 51
Cold Hands Warm Fart 47
Birthday Celebration 47
Stros Before Hos 46
Mercy Rule 33
Late To The Game Here For Pizza 27 (tie)
Tequila Mockingbird 27 (tie)

Appoplectic

October 24, 2017

Just shut up about your apps.

Seriously, just shut the hell up about your apps. Just shut up about how cool your phone is and what an excessive number of apps you have and what they all do and – gee, I wonder the barometric pressure is in Katmandu … wow, you have an app for that? I don’t freakin’ care!! Stop it. Just bloody stop it. This is no idle threat here. I am prepared to inflict damage and I am prepared to serve the time for it.

So just shut your stinking, festering gob about your damn apps.

Gifted

October 21, 2017

Hush, little baby, don’t say a word. Mama’s going to buy you a mockingbird. And if that mockingbird won’t sing, Mama’s going to buy you a diamond ring. And if that diamond ring turns brass, Mama’s going to buy you a looking glass. And if that looking glass gets broke, Mama’s going to buy you a billy goat.

Whoa. Now look here a minute. The bird was kind of cool, I’ll admit, but a diamond ring?! That’s a hell of an upgrade. And then, who the blazes thinks a mirror – or a freakin’ farm animal – is an acceptable substitute for a major jewelry purchase? Screw it. Just get me a gift certificate or a gift card or something. I really don’t trust your sense of gift equality here.

October 18 Trivia Rankings

October 19, 2017

The turnout was light but the competition fierce nonetheless. Thanks to all who showed up to play. We’re doing it again next week so be there or be square.

What did we talk about? General Mills’ monster cereals, state fair attendance and Uranus (but only by omission).

Plus there was this hooky-playin’ fool…

And now here are the rankings for the week.

Happy Birthday, Zac Efron (And Laura) 70
One Week: One Wedding, One Anniversary And A Baby 67
Marshall Thurgood 61
J For Genius 59
Does The Halloween Store Carry The Sparky Masks? 58
I Wish I Had A 3rd Joint In My Leg 56
Bloodbath & Beyond 55
MacGyver Attitude, MacGruber Brains 53
Unemployed LinkedIn All-Stars 50
We’re Here For The Beer 46
Acccording To US VI Residents, The President Of The US Virgin Islands Is A Huge Moron 43
Angela Lansbury Is the Missing Link 38

Hang It All!

October 17, 2017

I was in the mall the other day and I walked by a frame shop. Outside said boutique was a signed which proudly proclaimed:

DRY MOUNTING ON THE SPOT

Now, I know exactly what they mean, but please …

There MUST be a better way of phrasing that.

People I Hate #333 (In A Series)

October 14, 2017

Who: The guy who says “Don’t leave me hangin’” when he tries to high-five you.

Why: It doesn’t matter where you are – chatting in a parking lot, sitting in a staff meeting, walking across campus – someone will say something or do something and he’ll feel the need to punctuate the moment with a high-five. The moment doesn’t need it. The high-five is awkward, unprovoked and completely egregious. But there it is, suspended aloft, awaiting reciprocation. The last thing you want to do is high-five this douchebag. Maybe you don’t like him or perhaps it’s just that the high-five is so misplaced and ridiculous that by even acknowledging it you risk lowering yourself to his idiotic level. Yet there it is, that plaintive hand and that challenging entreaty: Don’t leave me hangin’! And still you should. You should leave him hangin’. He’s a tool with absolutely no ability to read a social situation and you should totally leave him hangin’ in any way that concept can be interpreted.

How I justify it: If the situation warranted a high-five, I would have already freakin’ high-fived you and so you wouldn’t need to beg me to validate your stupid existence.

October 11 Trivia Rankings

October 11, 2017

What a great night for trivia! The rain stayed away despite Accuweather’s predictions and Greg Fishel’s curse (it’s personal, I tella ya!). We learned a plethora of things such as The Weeknd is not a rapper (nor apparently a good speller), McDonald’s only thinks it gets the joke (more Szechuan sauce, please) and some people think Wonder Woman eating candy is a pretty damn awesome sight (guilty). Plus there was this:

FYI – 23 million and counting.

Spread the word, Quizlings! See you next week.

Now here are this week’s team rankings. How’d you do?

J Is For Genius 71
Executive Pro-Douche-er 69
Trust The Coin 68
Finally! Moron Is An Acceptable Term For Someone In Office 68
Donald’s Daycare 66
I Was Gonna Order Szechuan Sauce Instead I Ordered Worcestershire Sauce 62
Black and Tan 60
Baby’s Day Out 60
Where’s Fall, Y’all? 59
Shelby 59
The Szechuan Incident 58
Jim Mattis, John Kelly For The Block 56
Flannel and Boots 56
Dove Retro Edition 56
Fall Breakers 55
Quick! We Need A Baby Name! 54
The Gang’s All Here 52
Four Squares 50
Bill’s Mafia 50
Our Casey’s Always Late 50
Trivia Game Strong Like US Soccer 45
Trivia Newton-John 27
174 22

Recipe for Disaster

October 10, 2017

Really? Someone thought this was a good idea?

Disgusting.