Archive for November, 2014

Get On The Bus

November 30, 2014

Opportunities are like buses: if you miss one, another will come along shortly. Or is that men are like buses? Maybe someone was just bloody well talking about buses! Why do I even care at this point? Where is the damn bus stop anyhow?

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Close Encounters Of The Nerd Kind

November 28, 2014

Every Thanksgiving during dinner I like to stop in mid-meal, oddly stare at my plate and then slowly sculpt my mashed potatoes into a model of the Devils Tower. Then I obsessively intone, “This means something. This is important!”

Sure it’s horribly derivative but it completely freaks the kids out since they’ve never seen that movie.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Thanksgiving Edition)

November 27, 2014

Five Regrettable Macy’s Parade Balloons

Hitler’s Moustache – 1937

Rob Lowe Dancing with Snow White – 1989

Occupy Wall Street – 2012

Nixon with a metal detector – 1973

Brian Dunkelman – 2002

 

Five Little Known Thanksgiving Traditions

Gravy dancing

Tryptophantasy football

Turducken chuckin’

Stuffing the second cousin

The pardoning of the yams

 

Five Pilgrim Complaints

That boat was really cramped.

The New World smells like ass.

Those #@&% posers in Jamestown.

Buckle hats are soooo 1618!

Squanto and Myles Standish should just get a room, already!

 

Five Pie Injuries

Hot cobbler blisters

Crust in the eye

Sprained meringue

A la mode on the knee

Carpal tunnel rhubarb

 

Five Broadway Musicals for Turkeys

The Best Little Henhouse In Texas

A Chorus Brine

Joseph and the Technicolor Butterball

Kinky Snoods

Giblets Over Broadway

 

Fashion Weak

November 25, 2014

When I was about 9 or 10 I was obsessed with how cartoon characters wore the same clothes every episode so I had my mom get me five identical shirts and five identical pairs of pants so I could wear the same thing to school every day for a week. Looking back, I’m sure the other kids just thought we didn’t do laundry very often.

Don’t Let The Turkeys Get You Down

November 23, 2014

So we’ve received all the relatives’ dietary restrictions and I think it’s safe to say that this will be the best gluten-free, carb-free, nut-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, low-fat, low-sulfur, low-protein, low-sodium, kosher, macrobiotic, vegetarian Thanksgiving ever!

Un-Santa-tary

November 21, 2014

‘Tis the season to be … disgusting?

Wishing Unwell

November 19, 2014

Whenever I blow out candles on a birthday cake, I usually wish for the power to smite my enemies.

It’s never been given to me. But I keep wishing nonetheless.

Because you never know.

What’s Love Got To Do With It?

November 16, 2014

“Immature love says, ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says, ‘I need you because I love you.'” — Erich Fromm

So what does it mean when you say, “I love you because I’ve built a little shrine to you in my spare bedroom complete with votive candles and snapshots of you taken secretly with a telephoto lens?” Please tell me, ‘cuz I got a date this weekend.

Space Jam

November 12, 2014

What? Who’s there?! Let me see you!

Oh, you’re just a kid. No harm, I guess. And you wouldn’t hurt an old man, would you?

What, this thing? Oh, it’s not loaded. Just for show. Keep the thugs and punks and energy-vampires away from my shack. Nothing to steal anyway but why take chances, eh?

But – hey, you’re cold. Come here and warm yourself by my fire. Have some beans. Sit down and I’ll tell you of a time when we had electricity and gas heat and light – so much light – and didn’t have to scrounge the wastelands for food like scavengers.

What are you – 19? 20? Then this Hell is all you’ve ever known, isn’t it? Seems like forever but we use to live in comfort. Indoor air conditioning. Ample food supply. Instantaneous communications – oh, the wondrous Internet – Lolcats and pron! Man, those were good times.

But, of course, we got stupid. Dared to believe we were invincible. All that innocence was – was before those Europeans sent a probe to that damn comet! (more…)

Star Wars – Revenge of the Misogynists

November 12, 2014

Yes, women have it tough. Yes, men are pigs. Yes, the type of overt sexism that permeates our society needs to be addressed in a manner that is respectful and considerate.

But this is damn funny.