Opportunities are like buses: if you miss one, another will come along shortly. Or is that men are like buses? Maybe someone was just bloody well talking about buses! Why do I even care at this point? Where is the damn bus stop anyhow?
Archive for November, 2014
Every Thanksgiving during dinner I like to stop in mid-meal, oddly stare at my plate and then slowly sculpt my mashed potatoes into a model of the Devils Tower. Then I obsessively intone, “This means something. This is important!”
Sure it’s horribly derivative but it completely freaks the kids out since they’ve never seen that movie.
Five Regrettable Macy’s Parade Balloons
Hitler’s Moustache – 1937
Rob Lowe Dancing with Snow White – 1989
Occupy Wall Street – 2012
Nixon with a metal detector – 1973
Brian Dunkelman – 2002
Five Little Known Thanksgiving Traditions
Stuffing the second cousin
The pardoning of the yams
Five Pilgrim Complaints
That boat was really cramped.
The New World smells like ass.
Those #@&% posers in Jamestown.
Buckle hats are soooo 1618!
Squanto and Myles Standish should just get a room, already!
Five Pie Injuries
Hot cobbler blisters
Crust in the eye
A la mode on the knee
Carpal tunnel rhubarb
Five Broadway Musicals for Turkeys
The Best Little Henhouse In Texas
A Chorus Brine
Joseph and the Technicolor Butterball
Giblets Over Broadway
When I was about 9 or 10 I was obsessed with how cartoon characters wore the same clothes every episode so I had my mom get me five identical shirts and five identical pairs of pants so I could wear the same thing to school every day for a week. Looking back, I’m sure the other kids just thought we didn’t do laundry very often.
So we’ve received all the relatives’ dietary restrictions and I think it’s safe to say that this will be the best gluten-free, carb-free, nut-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, low-fat, low-sulfur, low-protein, low-sodium, kosher, macrobiotic, vegetarian Thanksgiving ever!
‘Tis the season to be … disgusting?
Whenever I blow out candles on a birthday cake, I usually wish for the power to smite my enemies.
It’s never been given to me. But I keep wishing nonetheless.
Because you never know.
“Immature love says, ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says, ‘I need you because I love you.'” — Erich Fromm
So what does it mean when you say, “I love you because I’ve built a little shrine to you in my spare bedroom complete with votive candles and snapshots of you taken secretly with a telephoto lens?” Please tell me, ‘cuz I got a date this weekend.
What? Who’s there?! Let me see you!
Oh, you’re just a kid. No harm, I guess. And you wouldn’t hurt an old man, would you?
What, this thing? Oh, it’s not loaded. Just for show. Keep the thugs and punks and energy-vampires away from my shack. Nothing to steal anyway but why take chances, eh?
But – hey, you’re cold. Come here and warm yourself by my fire. Have some beans. Sit down and I’ll tell you of a time when we had electricity and gas heat and light – so much light – and didn’t have to scrounge the wastelands for food like scavengers.
What are you – 19? 20? Then this Hell is all you’ve ever known, isn’t it? Seems like forever but we use to live in comfort. Indoor air conditioning. Ample food supply. Instantaneous communications – oh, the wondrous Internet – Lolcats and pron! Man, those were good times.
But, of course, we got stupid. Dared to believe we were invincible. All that innocence was – was before those Europeans sent a probe to that damn comet! (more…)
Yes, women have it tough. Yes, men are pigs. Yes, the type of overt sexism that permeates our society needs to be addressed in a manner that is respectful and considerate.
But this is damn funny.