Archive for February, 2009

But What’s Up With That Seal?

February 28, 2009

I – uh – well, to be honest, I could go into deep detail about my longtime love/hate relationship with the 60s Batman series … how the series’ camp nature seemed to forevermore stain the public psyche where the Dark Knight was concerned … but I think this clip speaks for itself…

Dog Tried

February 27, 2009

I love animals.  I’ve always had empathy for those creatures that don’t have a voice, those that we tame, domesticate, trap, imprison, kill and eat.  I’ve worked in the veterinary industry on and off for almost 20 years now and I’ve been a vegetarian almost as long.  I volunteer at a no-kill shelter and have rescued strays.  I have three cats that I care about more than I can adequately put into words.  I’m an animal-lover and I think that more people should care about the animal kingdom than obviously do.  I support adoption groups, spay/neuter clinics, foster environments and trap-neuter-return programs.  In a journalism world of “If it bleeds, it leads” I wholeheartedly welcome any positive mention of animals in the media.

All that being said…

A Portuguese Water Dog?!  What the bloody hell?!  Are we just making up breeds here now?  Labradoodle was bad enough, but you can’t just fling together random words and call it canine, like something out of a Monty Python sketch.  (“Yes, Mr. Whaptwaddle-Bing-Polevauter, this is a pedigree Flying Goldwater Sneezehound, and I’ll thank you to respect that!”)  Geez, if the kids are excited over this mophead piece of dog tizzle then just give the rugrats one of Barbara Bush’s old wigs and tell ‘em it’s a hibernating Albino Zanzibar Rumpledown Dober-Terrier.  Just have the Secret Service take it for “walkies” every now and again and the sprogs’ll never know.

Hey, I bet a pet rock is looking pretty good right about now, eh, Barack?

A Tall Order

February 26, 2009

Hey. Hey, you. Tall Guy at the Ben Folds concert. Yeah, you – I’m talking to you!

You may think you’re pretty cool and all, what with being so damn tall, but did the increased altitude dilute your manners? Did the lack of oxygen at that altitude cut off the flow of blood to your courtesy bone? I mean, what’s the deal with standing so close to the stage? You blocked the view for me and, like, a dozen other people!

Think for a minute: you’re tall! What are you? Six feet nine? Seven feet? Well, most of us aren’t, okay? You probably figured that out from all the bald spots and dandruff you’ve seen over the years, right? So, when you stand in front of us – now, stay with me, the logic gets pretty tricky here – your excess verticality makes it nigh impossible for us to see through you, let alone over you.

Doesn’t all this make you feel bad, tall drink of water? It should. As my Uncle Ben taught me: with great height comes great responsibility. So, stand in the back next time, a’ight? Or else I’ll bite you in the bloody torso, ya freakin’ Lurch!

Feelin’ Al Right

February 25, 2009

Just for fun, check out Weird Al’s parody of T.I.’s smash hit, Whatever You Like. 

Hotcakes & Hoagies

February 24, 2009

Free Food!  Free Food!  Free Food!  Yes, sir, that’s my baby – jump up and smack me one, big mama!  IHOP and Quiznos are offering up free grub.  Of course, you have to follow a few instructions. 

For instance, today – Tuesday, February 24 – IHOP is having its National Pancake Day Celebration.  From 7am to 10pm at participating locations, you can get a free short stack of buttermilk pancakes.  The catch?  They want you to consider making a donation to the Children’s Miracle Network.  Easily done.  Just show me to the flapjacks!

Quiznos, on the other hand, just wants to give away one million subs.  All you have to do is go to their web site and register.  Y’know, for a free sandwich, I might finally forgive them for getting rid of the Spongemonkeys.

National Brotherhood Week

February 23, 2009

Reliving a favorite Tom Lehrer moment here.  If the references seem a wee bit dated, please understand the song was first performed 45 years ago.  Yes, people were funny even way back then. 


Oscar Major Winner!

February 22, 2009

Since the Academy Awards are tonight, thought I’d take a few moments to look back and then forward… with a little help.

Spike, for instance, runs down THE TOP SEVEN CRAZIEST OSCAR MOMENTS OF ALL TIME.  Not to be outdone, Mental Floss chimes in with SEVEN GREAT OSCAR NIGHT SURPRISES.  Why seven?  Because Brad Pitt wants to know what’s in the box!

And to help your personal ballot at your Oscar party, Roger Ebert tries his hand at SECOND GUESSING THE OSCARS.  You’d think if anyone would be qualified to do just that it would be a rogue PricewaterhouseCoopers guy.  But Ebert would be my next choice.

Who will actually win?  I can’t say for certain but I’m pulling for Twilight.  It’s not nominated?  Well, it should be!  It was the best movie of 2008!  Robert Pattinson is so dreamy and fantastic!  He’s the ultimate bad boy and only I can change him!

Monkee Time!

February 21, 2009

Silly, hokey, pre-fab … call them what you will, but I’ll always be a fan of The Monkees.  So, in honor of Bob Rafelson’s birthday, here’s one of my favorite Monkees songs.

People I Hate #38 (In A Series)

February 19, 2009

Who: Those freaky animated people in the Charles Schwab “Talk To Chuck” commercials

Why: They’re not human.  They’re not cartoons.  They’re a demonic mix that infests my nightmares and calls into question every notion I have of a just and caring universe.  It’s not like they were cheaper than actors or even cheaper than animation – no, they had to pay the actors and then pay the production house to rotoscope the hell out of those irresolute investing hacks.  Why?  For the love of god, WHY?!

How I justify it: The Uncanny Valley theory.  Look it up.

Pop Goes

February 18, 2009

Retrocrush grooves on THE 50 COOLEST SONG PARTS.  Pretty sweet.  Even that stick-in-the-mud reverend from Footloose might tap his toes to a few of these babies.