Archive for March, 2015

Garden Variety

March 29, 2015

If you’re starting your own business, at what point do you eschew the family name for something a little more appealing? These guys couldn’t tell you. Seriously. Bland Landscaping. That’s like opening a car lot if your name is Lemon – or a butcher shop if your name is Unsanitary.

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Hooty-Hoot!

March 26, 2015

I’ve always been a bit miffed at Hooters. Not that lovely women in skimpy outfits don’t hold their attraction for me, but what I’ve always found more than a wee bit disingenuous is the party line from Hooters brass that the name isn’t sexual or misogynistic in any way. “Hooters? It’s our owl mascot! I mean, look at the sign!’

And sure enough. There is an owl on the Hooters sign. But be fair, huh? When was the last time you used the term “hooter” to describe anything feathered and flighty rather than something on someone feathered and flighty. Bottom line – Hooters ain’t fooling anyone.

That’s why I’ve always wanted to open up my own chain of hot dog diners called Wieners & Buns. I’d staff it with young, good-looking guys who wear tight T-shirts and even tighter shorts with a big ol’ suggestive hot dog logo on the front. Then when the same sexist lamebrains who decry that Hooters refers to nothing more than a Woodsy wannabe get all hot under the collar, I could counter with a deadpan, “Hey, Wieners & Buns refers to the hot dogs we sell. Get your mind out of the gutter.”

I guess the only things stopping me from going through with this sardonic plan are my lack of capital, my raging vegetarian tendencies and the fact that I would never stoop to the same sophomoric level as the dillweeds at Hooters.

Pass the mustard.

3/25/2015 Trivia Rankings

March 25, 2015
WE’RE NUMBER ONE (NOT VALID TRIVIA NIGHT) 70
I REMOVED MY BRAIN TO PREVENT CANCER 70
NOT LAST WEEK’S WINNERS 69
MR & MRS BRUCE JENNER, PARTY OF ONE 65
JUST VISITING 65
SQUISHED IN THE CORNER 63
DUCK YOU, PHIL ROBERSTON 61
SHE’S NOT MUCH AT WRESTLING BUT YOU SHOULD SEE HER BOX 59
MARCH SADNESS 59
GLEN, GIVE US A BROWNIE 58
I USED TO BE ADDICTED TO THE HOKEY POKEY BUT I TURNED MYSELF AROUND 56
ZAYN’S NEW DIRECTION 55
MASTICATE ON THIS 50
NO QUESTIONS PRE-1990 – OUR OLD GUY ISN’T HERE 48
OUR EIGHTH TEAMMATE WENT TO DISNEYLAND WITHOUT VACCINATIONS SO THAT’S WHY WE HAVE ONLY SEVEN 47
DISNEYWORLD OR BUST 47
MAC AND CHEESE 43
HIT IT AND QUIZ IT 41
SAO 36

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

March 24, 2015

Five Hipster Books

To Kale a Mockingbird

From Here to Urban Outfitters

A Beard Grows In Brooklyn

Their Eyes Were Watching Wes Anderson

The Artisanal Grapes of Wrath

 

Five Euphemisms For Pregnancy

In the family way

Up the duff

Go Go Gadget Zygote!

Cribbin’ the ute

Pulling a Duggar

 

Five Reasons to Hate Winnie the Pooh

He’s not a real bear

He got his stupid head stuck in a honey jar

He hunted the heffalump to extinction

He smells like wet stuffing

He poohs in the woods

 

Five More Ways To Leave Your Lover

Leave on a ferry, Gary.

Grab an axe and decapitate, Nate.

Shove her bloody face in, Jason.

Dose her with strychnine, er –uh, Rick … stein.

Get your gun and shart shootin’, Putin.

 

Five Retroactove Product Placements in Movies

“Well I got her number. How do you like them Snapples?”

“They call me Mister Pibbs!”

“Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinet.”

“As god is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again – thanks to Stouffer’s Lean Cuisine!”

“A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some BUSH’s Baked Beans and a nice Franzia, the wine in a box.”

 

Tart Attack

March 22, 2015

I’ve decided how I will die.

No, no, no – don’t get me wrong. I’m not being morbid. I have no intention of passing any time soon. Trust me on that. When my time comes I will fight the grim reaper with every ounce of strength, grit and deceit I can muster. But I have seen the future of my mortality and it has a name.

It’s the Pop Tart Stuffed Doughnut.

Yep. A bakery in San Francisco has taken all the delicious goodness found in Kellogg’s breakfast pastry and shoved it, like a dessert turducken, into the cavity of a yummy doughnut. Sound amazing? Of course it does.

Now, I’m not in the City by the Bay and I have no plans of visiting. I don’t even eat desserts anymore. Yet I know that as sure as the sun will rise that I will – one day – somehow be in the position to  try one of these so-called Big Poppa Tarts and I will seize the opportunity because it is the most incredible thing I have ever heard of and I will put it into my mouth and savor the sweet, delectable goodness of this hybrid confection and then my heart will asplode and my brain will seize up and I will die because humans are not made to withstand such utter decadence delivered in the form of a high-caloric sweetbomb.

Of course, armed with this prescience, I could avoid the pitfalls of a patisserie-plagued demise and steer clear of the Pop Tart doughnut. But no. The foreknowledge of my doom places me on a perfect path that leads me inexorably toward this sinful streudelkin in a way that comforts me with its surety. I live, I breathe, I exist in contentment, knowing my perverted pudding oblivion awaits.

So fare-ye-well, Pop Tart Stuffed Doughnut. We shall meet one day. Yes, we shall.

And it will be glorious.

poptart + doughnuts = reaper

Come to me , my ambrosial amor and let me embrace my mortality.

Sign Angerage

March 19, 2015

I realize I’m about forty years too late in my outrage but I think the guy who is ostensibly the singer of the song Signs (originally by Five Man Electrical Band, later remade by Tesla) is a completely and total dick. Yes, I know the tune was released in 1971 when it was a counter-culture anthem and the main character is supposedly a rebel who stands up to “The Man” in all his forms but the hippie haranguer is, at best, a fraud, a trespasser and a thief. I mean, he applies for a job under false pretenses, he stands on a guy’s property and yells at him and he steals the offerings from a collection plate in church. What a d-bag! I guess I’d be really upset if I didn’t imagine the jerk died horribly when he ignored the “No Skating – Thin Ice” sign one late winter because he felt that Mother Nature is just too cool a chick to not allow him the dynamite pleasure of skating in March.

3/18/2015 Trivia Rankings

March 18, 2015
GYPSIES, TRAMPS, THIEVES AND GLEN 69
MY PSYCHIC SAID TO BET IT ALL ON SYRACUSE 65
KLEPTOMANIACS TAKE THINGS LITERALLY 65
IN THE CORNER TAKE TWO 61
MOTHER KNOWS BEST 61
WAKA WAKA WAKA 57
HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY, PRESIDENT O’BAMA 56
PLAYING TRIVIA INSTEAD OF SETTING MY BRACKET 53
PERIWINKLE PARAKEETS 52
NETANYAHOOS 51
PERFECTLY GOOD TUMMIES 50
WEEKLY WINNERS… STOP! 49
E = MC HAMMER 48
KNIGHTS OF THE BUFFET TABLE 47
HIT IT AND QUIZ IT 45
PEPPERONI AND SHAMROCK PIZZA AND STOUT 45
DUCK IT…GET IT WITH THE D 41
THE LOUISE MIDDLE NAMERS 37
ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 5TH GRADER (BECAUSE WE GOT ONE) 33

Pluck O’ The Irish

March 17, 2015

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! Are you wearing green? Drinking excessively? Does it really matter?

Since most Americans’ knowledge of Irish history and culture comes from a Lucky Charms commercial, I thought it might be an apt time to examine the real reasons behind the celebratory revels.

So here are 10 things you didn’t know about Saint Pat, Irish history and culture!

1. Saint Patrick was probably born in Roman Britain, about AD 385. He was originally called Maewyn, a name that, even in that historic era, no doubt got his butt kicked at recess more often than not. (more…)

A Seminal Idea

March 14, 2015

The Internet. 

A wild, wonderful, wacky world of web whimsy. From unique and useful archival information to creative and artistic fiction and video, the dubya dubya dubya is a portal for the everyman to access the universe as we know it, warts and all. But has technology gone too far? 

Driving to a movie a while back, I heard a radio promo for an NPR show on fertility science. A throwaway line used to tout the piece mentioned a fact about our online outlet that I did not know. Maybe you did. Check this out: 

You can buy sperm over the Internet. 

That’s right. Sperm. The male gamete! The juice of life! Poppaseed! SPERM!!!   

Understand that I am not out to make fun of the impotent or the infertile, but I must point out that if you are so desperate to make a baby you are willing to purchase semen over the Internet then maybe you aren’t cut out to be a parent.   

At the very least, maybe you should seriously consider adoption! Or a goldfish.

 

March 11 Trivia Rankings

March 11, 2015
MY DONKEY CAN KICK YOUR ASS 75
SECRETARY OF STATE CONDEMNS GLEN’S LOVE LETTER TO CHER 73
DOING THE KESSEL RUN IN 12 UNDER PAR 69
OUR TEAM’S LIKE SPRING BREAK – NO CLASS! 67
TEST TUBE BITCHES 60
YOU CAN’T SPELL OUCH WITHOUT OU 62
GLADYS 2.0 61
WE HAVE NO SEATS 59
PERFECTLY GOOD TUMMIES 56
BRUCE JENNER IS MY NEW MOMMY 56
FUSCHIA FALCON 56
RIP MILLER HIGH LIFE GUY 56
PEACHES TO THE BEACHES 54
SKY’S OUT, THIGHS OUT 50
OSU: NAACP MARCH MADNESS 50
10,000 PROBLEMS BUT A WATCH AIN’T ONE 50
OUR BRACKET’S ALREADY BUSTED 47
29 FOR THE 3RD TIME 46
TEAM #4 39
#TASTETHERAINBOW 35
21 AND UNDER 35