[The following is a piece I originally wrote back in 1977 on my old Usenet site, “Sparky Mac’s Super Special Ultra Groovy Love Machine”…]
It was shaping up to be a pretty good year.
That real square Son of Sam was finally off the streets. The Alaskan pipeline was making sure the energy crisis was a thing of the past. I got to return from Canada thanks to the Prez from Plains. I came one step closer to living the Jetsons life when I picked me up one of those groovy Apple IIs. I even got that dy-no-mite Kiss comic that Marvel put out with the group’s very own blood in the ink. And to top it all off I discovered the most outta sight piece of celluloid fantasy Tinseltown has ever seen fit to lay on us masses – “Star Wars!” (And before you ask, I’ve seen it nine times. It’s the coolest, man! Luke and Leia are the bossest screen couple since Bogey and Bacall. And back off, Solo! She’s obviously Luke’s squeeze!)
Anyway, as I said, it _was_ shaping up to be a pretty good year. Now, I just got some really bad news which all but ruins the whole dang decade (even moreso than that over-hyped bicentennial barf last year). Hold onto your hats, gang – here it is:
Farrah Fawcett is leaving “Charlie’s Angels!”
No, that’s not a mistake. I just read the article in TV Guide and I’m one POed cat! In fact, I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore! How in hades is this show going to continue?! How will television go on?! How will I ever look forward to Wednesday nights again?! NO FARRAH!?!? Say it ain’t so! I mean, it’s bad enough that ABC is losing “The Bionic Woman” to that jive Peacock and that they’ve taken “The Captain And Tennille” off the air, but to lose Ms. Fawcett as well is just too heavy, man. I can’t deal. Somebody’s cruisin’ for a brusin’!
Sure we’ll have her groovy posters and t-shirts and she says she wants to do more movies but I saw “Logan’s Run” and if you blink you miss her. [And forgive the aside but what a head trip that movie was. Sanctuary and killing people at thirty! That’s like old, man. I _should_ be killed when I get that ancient and gross and uncool.] Why can’t the blonde goddess just be happy with her life? She’s one of “Charlie’s Angels,” man! One of the foxiest ladies on the planet! And she’s married to that Six Million Dollar Man hunk too! Who couldn’t be happy with all that?
So, please, Farrah Fawcett. Please stay on “Charlie’s Angels.” If it’s the bread, mama, then I urge you to reconsider and think of your fans. There’s a lot of horny guys out here who need you each and every week to give flight to our far out fantasies, babe. And there ain’t no replacement Angel who could ever fill your wings.
To quote super rockers Firefall: “You are the woman that I’ve always dreamed of. I knew it from the start. I saw your face and that’s the last I’ve seen of my heart.”
Sparky MacMillan was born on a summer day 1951 and with a slap of a hand he had landed as an only son.