Watched Dog

All right, fess up!  Who the hell gave The Osbournes another television show?  Was it you, Mr. Fox Executive?  Was it you, CBS Studios Chairman?  Was it you, Coked-Up Super Agent To The Stars?  Doesn’t matter really, we’re all culpable if we watch this festering offal. Not that Ozzy wasn’t talented once, but, I mean – damn! Has there been a celebrity clan that’s beaten that 15th minute so extremely since maybe the Jacksons? (And we see how bloody great that turned out)

random

My 13th birthday fete at Pizza Inn and my Uncle Aidan, one of the few adult chaperones, decides it’s a good idea to entertain the Tweeners with a rousing chorus of Danny Boy.  My first boy/girl party and the drunken lout’s ridiculous actions forevermore label me as an outcast at West Millbrook Junior High.  Although, to be fair, the headgear, rock tumbler obsession, Thundercats bookbag and photo of me with the chess club in the yearbook pretty much had that covered already.

On Your Bike!

The video below may be the strangest thing I’ve seen since Jackie Gleason tripping on acid.  It purports to be a 1963 Bicycle Safety Film, but I think it’s really a perverse look into a post-apocalyptic world where apes evolved from men (and learned to ride bikes). These apes then allowed their offspring to roam the land in packs.  Callous, sad offspring at that – the kind of kids who don’t even bother to stop when one of their own is horribly killed right in front of their eyes!  Seriously, if this were a Bicycle Safety Film, why did the filmmakers fail to mention the cardinal rule of Scwhinn safety – don’t ride a bike while wearing a freaking monkey mask?!

I think the most amazing thing about this video isn’t the fact that, as a child, I broke every single one of these rules and was only slightly killed (true story) but that it reminds me of this most awesome video: A CHIMPANZEE RIDING ON A SEGWAY!  Woo hoo!  Look at him go!

The Vinyl Countdown

There was once a time – long, long ago in the beforetime – when I actually had a pretty decent album collection.  Of course, CDs hadn’t come into existence yet and a decent turntable was essential furniture in any dorm room.  Over the years, however, I’ve let many an LP pal go at yard sales and secondhand stores – and my stereo system packed it in in the mid-90s.  Yet, I still admit a fondness for albums.  Or I did.  Until I saw this assemblage of WORST ALBUM COVERS.  Yes, it’s kind of a slideshow, but it is well worth it for this ghastly gathering of record riffraff.  Trust me.  The main question you’ll have when viewing these 33 and 1/3 fiascos is “Why?”  Granted, that “Why?” will occasionally be punctuated with a cry of “Oh, God, why?! WHY?!” but you get the idea.

Bonus: I will pay top dollar if you can get me a copy of #33.  And maybe #14.  It’s so horrible – I can’t look away!

B Rolling On The Floor

Every time I watch THIS, I crack up.  It’s highly inappropriate, but that’s the beauty of it.  I can’t help but think of the classic Chuckles the Clown episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show.  Unfortunately, this doofus wasn’t making a sitcom, so he’s probably now begging his old boss to hire him back at half salary as the weekend fill-in weather guy.

Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm … Eerie

Somewhere between Stephen King’s The Mangler and the Hal 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey, there lies the Quiznos talking oven… 

Once again, the sub maker has concocted a commercial so disturbingly entertaining that the questions fly faster than the mental images.  Did Scott get “burned” physically or emotionally?  Is the oven gay?  Does the oven only talk to Scott, like that dog to the Son of Sam killer?  Is Scott in danger of taking out an entire Quiznos crew – plus a few innocent bystanders with his Toasty Torpedo?  Why do I get the feeling that Toasty Torpedo should be in quotations (like “Toasty Torpedo”), making it either an extremely repulsive double entendre or the nickname that the FBI will give to Scott’s ensuing crime spree?

You Kin Dough It!

If you’ve ever wanted to come up with the next big thing, then today may just be the break you’ve been waiting for!  As long as your “next big thing” is a delicious doughnut.

See, Dunkin Donuts wants you to create its next donut in a contest appropriately titled CREATE DUNKIN’S NEXT DONUT CONTEST.  Just decide on shape, dough, filling and topping, plus come up with a name and a story and – bingo! – you may have bragging rights for a long time (plus $12,000 prize money).

Personally, I’ve always preferred Dunkin to Krispy Kreme and now’s the chance for me to be part of history with my Sparky Mac and Cheese Big Donut Dipper!  Part pasta, part pastry … all dairy, all delicious!  It’s a more than a mouthful; it’s a magic meal that melts your mind!

Grimm and Bear It

A new, interesting take on an old tale…

Heavy Muppetting

It’s a Jim Henson trifecta today.  Mondo Muppeto.  More furry goodness than you can stake a schick at!

First off, take a gander at one of the most bizarre Talking Heads covers you’ll ever see.  It’s Kermit the Frog singing Once In A Lifetime.  And you may ask yourself: “Well, how did I get here?”

Then, get the SURPRISING STORIES BEHIND 20 MUPPET CHARACTERS.  Missing from the list?  Grover’s startling admission that census taker once tried to test him and he “ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

Finally, check out the SEVEN MOST DEPRESSING SONGS EVER SUNG BY A MUPPET.  For my money, I always thought that Big Bird’s ABC-DEF-GHI song was severely depressing primarily because it highlighted his extreme mental retardation.  Maybe he was dropped as an egg, I could never tell.

Politically Ineffect

I was rummaging through a bunch of old VHS tapes the other day – tossing the unwanted (did I really need to tape the first five seasons of Pokemon?) and saving the cream (Sifyl & Ollie Show! Rock!) – and I happened upon an old edition of Bill Maher’s Politically Incorrect.  I popped the video into my VCR to see exactly what the discussion topic was and who the guests were.  As I remember, Bill’s guests were usually culled from an A-list of experts, dignitaires, pundits and the like.  A motley crew assembled to bring to light complex issues of the day in a fashion only their unique skill set and knowledge could.

So, the guests for this particular episode?  A well-respected political cartoonist, an honored leader of an African-American action group, an Egyptian-born cinema devotee … and former MTV VJ Kennedy.

What the …?

Kennedy?!  Really? What? Was Carrot Top too busy that day?  Was Skippy from Family Ties unable to get someone to cover his shift at Foot Locker?

“One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn’t belong …”