Archive for May, 2012

Ten Random Things That Will Keep Me Awake Tonight

May 31, 2012

Chagas: the new AIDS.

Taxmageddon.

Bath salt zombies.

The Andromeda galaxy is set to collide with our own galaxy in about four million years. (It’s never too soon to panic.)

Battlefield America.

NYC soda ban.

Old people smell is real.

That Canadian body part mailer is still on the loose.

ICEBERGS FLIPPING OVER!!!!!

Richard Simmons. ‘Cuz, y’know, he’s out there somewhere. Oiled up and ready to pounce. Brrrr.

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People I Hate #121 (In A Series)

May 30, 2012

Who: The snake handling preacher

Why I Hate Him: He handles snakes!!! Actually picks them up and freakin’ handles them!!!

How I justify it: If you can’t extricate the bat-shite crazy from your particular brand of religion then you deserve every ounce of venom the little bastard’s gonna inject right into your circulatory system.

Boyfiend

May 28, 2012

So the news is out: Justin Bieber wanted for questioning in scuffle. Apparently the teen pop star allegedly “roughed up” a photographer at a shopping center. Of course this is Bieber we’re talking about, not Tyler Durden, so the word choice was deliberate. Scuffle. Not fight or melee or fracas or brawl but scuffle. A scuffle is what happens when two PTA moms both go after the last parking spot at their kids’ soccer match, so the journalist who wrote that headline knew what he was talking about. Yeah, I’m sure the papparazzo who got up close and personal with Baby boy would like to pretend he got a Sopranos-style beatdown so he gets props for standing up to a rampaging adolescent idol but we all know it probably went something like this:

Bieber: Hey, man. Get outta my face!

Photog: Smile for the camera, Justin! [snaps picture]

Bieber: Dude, my chick’s here! [tries to brush past photographer]

Photog: How’d you like the movie? [continues snapping pics]

Bieber: Back off, man! [tries to slap photographer]

Photog: Whoa there, kid … [backs up, chuckles]

Bieber: I’ll get you! [corners photographer, lightly slaps him with both hands]

Bieber: I’m hard, man!  [continues lightly slapping]

Bieber: I’m from the ATL!  [fails to land any serious blow]

Photog: You’re Canadian, dingus! [falls down laughing, hits head on sidewalk; Bieber runs away]

Sigh. Bieber. Every day he’ scufflin’ … scufflin’ … scufflin’ .

Fourplay

May 27, 2012

I first saw this about a year ago and thought for sure I’d posted it long before now but it seems I was remiss in sharing. Sharing is good. So here. I’m sharing.

It’s Axis of Awesome’s Four Chord Song. (Warning: some NSFW language but it’s still effing hilarious!)

Bath & Beyond

May 25, 2012

Did you know that today – May 25 – is TOWEL DAY?  Probably not.  Most don’t.  But it’s got something to do with the late, great Douglas Adams, so I thought I’d pass it along.

“Listen. It’s a tough universe. There’s all sorts of people and things trying to do you, kill you, rip you off, everything. If you’re going to survive out there, you’ve really got to know where your towel is.” – Ford Prefect

Find out more about TOWEL DAY.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

May 23, 2012

Five Rarely-Used Twitter Hashtags

#CancerSchmancer

#MonkeyPoxRules

#MyMomIsAWhore

#SoundsLikeCrowsFarting

#SoylentGreenIsPapal

 

Five Salad Bar Faux Pas

Crowding other patrons

Licking the dressing spoon clean

Not using a new plate when you return for seconds

Using salad tongs to scratch the back of your head

Drawing something suggestive on sneeze guard in your breath

 

Five Forgotten Tourist Attractions

Jimmy Carter’s birthmark

Largest Merkin West of the Mississippi

Old Indiana Pacers burial ground

Dolly Parton’s first training bra

Iowa corn maze in the shape of Mamie Eisenhower

 

Five Cereal Killers

Son of Toucan Sam

General Millside Strangler

BuzzBeeTK Killer

Boobeard

Apple Jack the Ripper

 

Five Possible Names For Snooki’s Baby

Guido

Smush

Drunken Accident

15 Minutes

Ward of the State

 

Sparky MacMillan is just three ducks in a man costume.

Cruisin’ Control

May 20, 2012

It’s Dave Thomas’ birthday! No, not the Wendy’s guy – the funny one from SCTV. As such, here’s an old favorite sketch I’ll always remember fondly…

Ready To Learn

May 19, 2012

“Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.” – William Butler Yeats

Funny. At my school, filling a pail and lighting a fire both would get you kicked out. Detention at the very least.

People I Hate #25 (In A Series)

May 18, 2012

Who: The douchebag who does something wrong and then acts like you did him a favor by letting him get away with it.

Why: As if being a dbag wasn’t enough (it is, but still…) he goes into overkill with a dismissive gesture that lets you know he deliberately took advantage of your largesse and isn’t even deluding himself into thinking you were being nice because he lets lose a casual nod or a wink – or worse, a finger gun – as if to suggest he’s completely in the right and you were just being nice. I mean, seriously, I’m driving today and this malevolent cretin plows through a four-way stop when I had the right of way and, as he does, smiles and touches a pointer finger to his forehead and waves it forward with a smootheness that makes smug look like charity but it’s not like I gave him a go ahead or liked the cut of his jib and said, “Oh, no, after you, awesome stranger!” – all I did was slow down enough to not hit him and avoid a bloody accident yet he’s cruisin’ along like he got away with creating a new chemical element named snidium!

How I justify it: Hatred is much more economical than murder.

The Fix Is in!

May 16, 2012

Here’s a spot in a great new PSA campaign sponsored by Best Friends Animal Society. Essentially, they’re saying that if you don’t get ’em fixed your pets are whores. Well, someone had to say it.