Archive for July, 2016

Game, STOP!

July 29, 2016

I drove by a field today. As I did, I observed several people standing about, holding up their phones and looking around, ignoring a kid in a stroller and a dog on a leash. It took me a moment but then I realized these folks were playing Pokémon Go.

Let it be known that I once collected Pokémon  cards. I watched the Pokémon cartoon and recorded every episode on VHS. I dressed up as Ash Ketcham (complete with life-sized Pikachu) for several Halloweens. I even took the day of off work to watch the first three Pokémon movies in the cineplex. And all of this as an adult (well, legally – not mentally).

And yet, as I drove by that field today, I couldn’t help but lower the window and scream, “GET A LIFE!” I’m not proud of it. It just seemed necessary.

I had half a mind to call officer Jenny to round up that indolent rabble.

July 27 Trivia Rankings

July 27, 2016

Well, we managed to evade the nasty weather yet not the ice cream. But that’s a good thing, I think.

Meanwhile, we learned about the Emmy oops, Tay Tay’s new name and the latest Harry Potter installment. Plus we bid a fond adieu to Emily (K.C. or bust!). Also, yeah, dude, we CAN hear you now …

Now, check out the week’s team rankings. See how you fared.

Squeegee Squad 64
Sorry, Glen… Cher’s With Her 62
Emily’s Last Trivia Before K.C. 60
Russia Hacks Sparky’s Answers 59
RusskiLeaks 59
Can We Replace Donald & Hillary With Ivanka & Chelsea? 58
Two Blondes And A Lawyer 58
For The Team Name 57
Just Latecomers And Hangers On 56
Can You Repeat The Question? A Wild Pikachu Appeared 53
Run DNC 51
99 Pidgeys (And My Team Ain’t Won) 51
W Is One Of Two Letters That Start With D 48
Leslie Knope 2016 48
Never Forget Harambe 44
Average Joes 43
Wisecrackers 42
Olympic Village People 41
“I Did Not Have Relations With That Man” – Hillary Clinton 29

Tales From My Screwed-Up Childhood #11

July 25, 2016

When I was a kid, my Uncle Manny would always come over and say, “Hey, kid, I wanna give you something special!” Then he’d do something juvenile like give me a wedgie or a noogie or a purple nurple or swirly or something like that. And then he’d laugh all nasally and weird.

The first few times, I came a-running, expecting something really cool. By the time I was 12, I learned to hide in the priest hole in the back of my closet whenever I saw his ’69 Pontiac Firebird come up the driveway.

Last I heard, Manny was driving an RV cross-country. Not his RV, mind you … which would explain the police pursuit.

Five Random Five (Geek Edition)

July 22, 2016

Five Geek Pickup Lines

I have every episode of Space: 1999 on Laserdisc.

If you think my Doctor Who scarf is long…

Aren’t you a little hot for a Stormtrooper?

If you were a comic book, your condition would be very fine!

I just cast an engorgio spell – in my pants!


Five Nick Fury Complaints

Lack of depth perception

Life model decoys make my ass look fat

SHIELD helicarrier runs on used cooking oil so clothes always smell like french fries

Howling Commandos won’t accept Facebook friend requests

As cool as Samuel L. Jackson makes me look, I can never live down the fact I was once played by David Hasselhoff


Five Rejected My Little Ponies

Cinnamon Bundlesnort

Starfish Tinkleberry

Tammy Fay

Gretchen Fetchen Candyretchen

Mr. Ed


Five Comic-Con Nightmares

The panel featuring Joss Whedon was cancelled

That one Slave Leia cosplayer who made Mama Cass look svelte

I ran out of Travelers Cheques on Day 2

Matt Smith called my bowtie “fawning and obsessive”



Five Signs You’re Addicted To Pokémon

When ordering at the drive thru, you say things like “Quarter Pounder with Cheese, I choose you!”

Your Squirtle-shaped swimming pool

Your résumé lists Team Rocket as a reference

The Pikachu tattoo on your ass

Number of Pokémon tournaments you’ve entered – 65 / Number of dates you’ve had – 0

July 20 Trivia Rankings

July 20, 2016

Thanks to everyone who came out to play this week. Some very close scores and a three-way tie for first place. So without any ado, here are the rankings…

I Ain’t Afraid Of No Girls 65
Scott Baio Jumped The Shark 65
First Lady Michelle Trump 65
Dope Is For Dopes … And Russians 63
Happy Birthday, Kevin 62
 “I Ain’t Sorry.” – Beyonce Melania 62
Where My Verb At? 59
Love People, Cook Them Tasty Food 57
One Small Loan For Trump, One Yuge Step Back For Mankind 56
Melania Trump’s Speech Writers: CRTL+C & CRTL-V 54
“One Small Loan For Trump, One Yuge Step Back For Mankind” – Melania Trump 52
We Didn’t Plagiarize Our Team Name 51
Make America Copy & Paste Again 50
Are We In Cary? 46
Trump University: #1 In Plagiarism 39
Don’t Worry. This Is All Just A Simulation #Politics2016 38
#CrookedHIllary 38
 Wake Me Up Before You Pokemon Go Go 37
“I Have A Dream” – Melania Trump 30
Taylor Swift’s Legal Team 27

Bang, Zoom – To The Moon!

July 19, 2016

47 years ago, men first walked on the moon. Damn right they did. So take your wacko conspiracy theories and ridiculous scientific disbelief and – well, let Buzz Aldrin show you for himself…

Man, that never gets old! The above took place on September 9, 2002 when Aldrin was lured to a Beverly Hills hotel on the belief he would be interviewed for a Japanese kids’ show but Apollo conspiracy theorist Bart Sibrel provoked him by calling him a liar. You can see a longer version here but that punch is worth a thousand words. Hell, I figure if anyone deserves to smack some bozo like this on the chin it’s a guy who walked on the freakin’ moon!


July 18, 2016

Five Rarely-Used Sexual Roleplay Characters

Edward Snowden

The GEICO Gecko

UN Secretary-General, Ban Ki-moon

The Orkin Man

That chick that comes out of the well in The Ring


Five Sharknado Sequels and Spin-offs

Shark Continental Drift



One Fin Day



Five First Date Faux Pas

Showing up late

Dominating the conversation

Telling him how awesome your last boyfriend was in bed

Bringing along your Yu-Gi-Oh! cards

Slathering dessert on your bare chest and inviting her to “lick off, baby … lick it all off!”


Five Monkey Nightclub Names

Baboon’s Farm




Marmoset There’d Be Raves Like This


Five Pillsbury Doughboy Fears

People won’t adjust baking time for high altitudes

Yeast infections

The crescent rolls will turn out vaguely phallic shaped

Easy-Bake Oven = Slow Death


They Say It’s Your Birthday

July 15, 2016

How pathetic is it to have the Harris Teeter bakery do up a birthday cake for yourself and then have it delivered “anonymously” to you at your office while you’re at lunch? I mean, you know full well that your co-workers will see it and throw an impromptu party for you when you get back. And you can, of course, feign ignorance. “How did you ever find out? I didn’t want a fuss!” The best thing is, since it’s all last minute, they won’t even have time to get you a card so they’ll have a quick whip ‘round and put some cash in an envelope. Sweet! But, um, like I said – just how pathetic is that?

Well. How pathetic is it when you do this but it’s not really your birthday – you just need some spare cash?  Um … I’m asking hypothetically, of course.

July 13 Trivia Rankings

July 13, 2016

Thanks to all the Quizlings who came out to play on such a sweltering evening. The ice cream may had helped abate the heat so big thanks to Glen for providing the frozen dairy goodness.

I have a special treat, however, for the rankings this week, folks. First, we have the rankings as they applied to the prizes awarded to the top three teams (meaning, the usual way). Then, we have the teams as they ranked per capita. What I mean by that is I divided the team scores by the number of people on the team. Some Quizlings have suggested we score the game that way every week. Me, I’m dubious – but thought it might be an interesting exercise.

Meanwhile, read up on the Pokémon Go dead body discovery, the Jeter-Davis nuptials and the billion-dollar box office. Oh, and check out this joker…

Now here are the rankings as normal ….

The Light is Green, The Trap Is Clean 64
We’re Waiting For Digimon Go 64
Pik-A-Chu-Head-Up (From Your Phone) 63
Pokey Mangoes 63
Return of The Steph 61
A Team Has No Name 60
Free Bike – Ask For Galen 59
Quick, Like Bunnies [poop emoji] 57
The Notorious RBG Is My Hero 57
Pokemon Go And Chill 56
A Wednesday With No Rain Is A Dry Hump Day 55
It’s 70 Degrees And Pleasant Somewhere 55
Can You See Me Now? 52
We Promise We’re Only On Our Phones For Pokemon 50
@Jakes Pokemon Go – I Found Sparkymon 50
Let Go Of My Pikachu 49
Chasing A Pokemon and Ended Up Here 46
Tacos And Coronas 35
Trap Queens 34
Lemme Get A Pik-A-Chu 34
Kind Of A Big Deal 33
When I Go To College I Hope I Don’t Catch ‘Em All 32

And here are the rankings based on points per capita…

A Team Has No Name 30
It’s 70 Degrees And Pleasant Somewhere 28
Let Go Of My Pikachu 12
Tacos And Coronas 12
Quick, Like Bunnies [poop emoji] 11
The Notorious RBG Is My Hero 11
Kind Of A Big Deal 11
Pik-A-Chu-Head-Up (From Your Phone) 11
Free Bike – Ask For Galen 10
A Wednesday With No Rain Is A Dry Hump Day 9
The Light is Green, The Trap Is Clean 9
Pokey Mangoes 9
Can You See Me Now? 9
@Jakes Pokemon Go – I Found Sparkymon 8
We’re Waiting For Digimon Go 8
Pokemon Go And Chill 8
Return of The Steph 8
Lemme Get A Pik-A-Chu 7
Chasing A Pokemon and Ended Up Here 7
When I Go To College I Hope I Don’t Catch ‘Em All 6
We Promise We’re Only On Our Phones For Pokemon 6
Trap Queens 6

Diary of a Poké-Maniac

July 12, 2016

Since Pokémon Go is sweeping the nation at a rate which can only be described as ridiculously scary, I thought I’d look back to a simpler time when my own personal infatuation with this cartoon-slash-toy-slash-trading-card-game was amped up to 11.

Witness, if you dare, my diary from November 12, 1999…

6:15am-Woke up early to head over to the Burger King across the street and grab a breakfast sandwich and a Pokémon toy. Picked up #76 (the Golem rev top) and circled around to get another one to resell later. I tried to go through a third time but they caught on and told me that I had reached my daily allowance of Poké-toys.
7:45am-Called in sick to work so that I could attend the first showing of the Pokémon
movie. Sleep for an hour.
9:30am-Sorted through my trading cards, picking out all the Magic: The Gathering ones. Thought I’d see if CardMania would buy them from me so that I could use the money to buy more Pokémon. (Should get a good trade-in value for them since I never played the game; just stuck them in plastic sleeves.)
10am-Dropped by CardMania but they weren’t open yet. I’m sorry to rant, but if the sign says “Open at 10” then, I’m sorry, you should open at 10am! Not 10:10, not 10:15: 10 o’clock!!! This may be a hobby to them but some of us have lives, thank you very much!
10:05am-Traded my Magic cards for two Basic edition booster packs (still no Charizard, dammit!) and a Psyduck beanie. I know the Magic cards were worth more, but who cares? I mean, those cards were just taking up space in my display notebooks.
10:30am-Went by the Burger King near the Wall-Mart this time. Managed to get through the drive-thru four times! I think they knew I was coming back more than once because the girl at the window looked at me funny, so I thought I’d cut my losses.
11:15am-Went by the Burger King over on Trenton. No new toys, blast it all!
11:40am-Stopped by McDonald’s for lunch.
Noon-Drove to the Plaza SuperPlex and bought a ticket for the 12:45 showing of “Pokémon: The First Movie.” They were giving away limited edition trading cards with each ticket purchase, so I got five more tickets (at children’s prices!) and managed to get three of the four cards. Thought I’d pick up four more tickets on my way out, so as not to arouse suspicion.
12:30-Yes, this is it! I am the first person in the theater!!!! I rule!!!
12:45-The place is about half full. I’m the only adult here without a kid. Man, the place looks like Chuck E. Cheese on Daycare world! Why do people think this is a KID’S movie? Anime is a serious art form in Japan! I’m serious, if these brats don’t shut up when the movie starts, I’m gonna get the manager. (Well, I would if I didn’t have to leave the theater and miss part of the movie!)
12:57-This sucks! Already, I’ve had to sit through four film promos (who cares if Tigger has a damn movie coming out?!), three ads and an anti-smoking PSA (like these philistines care!). Will they START the film already?!?!?!
12:59-Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, YES!!!! It’s starting!!!! I imagine this is what Oppenheimer felt like when he oversaw the Manhattan Project.
2:30-Wow. I can’t believe how GREAT that was! I pretend to go to the bathroom and hide in the far stall so that I can sneak into the next showing.
4:45-I stop by the mall where I pick up another trading card at the WB store (it’s a cross-promotion with the film). I also pick up a vibrating stuffed Pikachu. Spencers has some Squirtle boxer shorts; I buy two pairs.
5:30-The food court has a Burger King! Hot damn!
6pm-Leave the mall and go to Best Buys where I get the soundtrack to the movie. Totally jazzed to find that it has a song by Christina Aguilera on it! I imagine her dressed up as Nurse Joy. Whoa.
6:30-The day shift at the Burger King has gone home, so I head back to the one across the street and pick up some more toys.
7:15-Back home, I check the VCR to see if it recorded today’s episode. It did, but I forgot to set the machine to record in SP, so I’ll have to get it another time. (And it was the episode where Jigglypuff first appears too! Grrr.)
8:00-I surf the web for any new Pokémon
action. I happen upon a home page devoted to fan fiction. It’s kind of on the racy side and I find a story that has Misty gettin’ nasty with a Marowak. It’s crap like this that ruins the WWW for the rest of us. It takes me five minutes to download the file.
9:45-I find a chat room where people are talking about the film. Pretty cool. I enter and chat for two hours. Jenny136 says that she thinks Ponyta is the best and everyone else flames her until she leaves. ha ha. Ponyta. How stupid is that?
1am-Set the VCR and go to bed. Imagine myself in the Pokémon
league in hopes that I dream about it. Then I think about Christina Aguilera as Nurse Joy. I drift off into a restful, sound sleep. Ah, pleasant dreams. [Entry ends.]