Archive for September, 2012
Hey, Bing – stop trying to get me to use you. You’re basically the New Coke of search engines. You may taste better but I’ll drink Google or Yahoo outta habit. Even Ask Jeeves, the Wink cola of the Internet, is preferable to you. Yes, I’ve seen the commercials and the ads and the pop-ups but you’re just trying too damn hard. Like the nerd in the fraternity. Or the homely girl at the dance. We’ve all seen the movies and it’s only a matter of time until you take off your glasses and shake your hair out of a bun and let it cascade down your shoulders in that prom dress and we all realize how hot you were all along but until then leave well enough alone.
And rethink that name, why don’tcha?
I would not want to be related to Liam Neeson’s character in Taken. Sure, he will look for you, he will find you and he will kill you if you kidnap me but the downside is I’m gonna get kidnapped. And now there’s a sequel where I think even more people get kidnapped. Hell, this is a popular film series, so there could be more movies and more kidnappings and maybe even some direct-to-DVD flicks with more kidnappings and pretty soon there’ll be a TV series where a relative gets kidnapped every week! Daughters and ex-wives and stepsons make sense, but eventually he’s gonna have to have an extended family that makes the Duggars look nuclear to have as many relatives snatched up as he will have to have for this to all make sense. Credulity? Suspension of belief? Bah! He’s Liam Effing Neeson and he has a very particular set of skills; skills he has acquired over a very long career; skills that make him a nightmare for people like you. He’s bloody awesome, no one can deny that.
But I sure would hate to be related to him.
Five Halloween Costume Mash Up Ideas
Snap, Crackle & Pope
Five Little Known Air Bud Sequels
Air Bud: Mixed Martial Arfs
Air Bud: Lord Stanley’s Pup
Air Bud: His Masters Tournament
Air Bud: Five for Biting
Air Bud: Closest to the Pinscher
Five Video Game Character Fears
Fear of Italians – Donkey Kong
Fear of heights – Q*bert
Fear of Mike Tyson biting his ear off – Little Mac (Punch-Out!)
Fear of being voiced by Urkel – Sonic the Hedgehog
Fear of being enslaved by Keebler – Link (Legend of Zelda)
Five People Whose Names I’ve Forgotten
My first girlfriend from 3rd grade
The lead singer of that band who opened for Pat Benatar (and the band as well)
That woman in London on the roof of the youth hostel
All the guys who dated my mom (junior high and earlier)
Five Other Things Mitt Romney Inelegantly Stated
Sometimes I like to ride my car elevator naked.
Clint Eastwood just wandered in … we didn’t invite him and we couldn’t stop him.
We built that – well, not literally, of course.
I didn’t vote for Bush either.
The poor taste delicious.
Sparky MacMillan sure can afford to pay a little more.
When I was young, my hometown was terrorized by a wild piñata. Every day, it would run into town and cause lots of property damage and kill livestock. One time it dragged a small child away in the night. Eventually, we had to call in a group of kids celebrating a birthday. They tracked the piñata to its den, strung it up and beat it to death, spilling its candy guts onto the ground. They cheered and paraded its papier-mâché carcass around town.
Very messy and savage. Very Lord of the Flies.
I’ve always been a science geek. Love science – chemistry, biology, astronomy, physics, the lot. Only problem and the main reason why I’m not a scientist is – and this is key – I suck at it. Math, it turns out, is very important to science and I do not do well in math. I always scored high on the mathematical portion of tests but the practical application always seemed to escape me. So I watch science from afar and drool a little about how impressive it is and how I’ll never truly get it on the level that I’d like to.
Take, for example, the experiment below. The science geek in me knows that it’s an incredible display of phase change and thermal expansion. But I really just want to scream, “Boo yah! All you evolution and climate change deniers can suck it! Science is real and awesome and so bloody cool it makes me want to kick you douchebags in the head!” I know gloating isn’t cool but science is, so enjoy…
Okay, yes, this is a political ad, but personally I think the politics are almost completely overshadowed by the fact that it is a West Wing reunion. If that excites you as much as it does me, watch wistfully…
Amanda … Oh, Amanda! You’re beginning to worry me. Seriously, you’re just one DUI away from a full Lohan or one breakdown away from a partial Britney. Locked in a dressing room or getting your license suspended, it’s like you’re discovering the bad girl teen image a decade too late. Sure, if you’d done this while on All That or What I Like About You, it would have seemed the natural progression of the child star into semi-maturation and Access Hollywood and the world would have simply wondered if you were going to get your act together like Winona Ryder or sink into deeper levels of dark side like Dana Plato. But now – this cry for attention seems like nothing more than a desperate cry for attention. Forced, calculated and way too late. So stop it, Amanda. Please. Just stop it or you’re almost going to make me regret making cinematic classics like She’s The Man and What A Girl Wants a permanent part of my DVD collection! Hey, I said “almost!”
Riding the bus has NEVER been what you would call cool. But this commercial for Danish public transport gives the impression that catching the bus is the most awesome experience in the world. And maybe they’re right.
FYI – the English language version is HERE but the advert is soooo much sweeter in Dutch!
Okay, people … for the last time.
It’s VUL-nerable. Not VUH-nerable. That’s a no-brainer really.
Also, while I’m on it, it’s lit-er-ally, not li-truh-ly. And look that one up while you’re at it because I’ve been hearing some of you misuse it. You shouldn’t be able to say “I literally died!” unless you’re talking to Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense, got it?
And don’t even get me started on nuclear.