Archive for April, 2009

Carts?

April 30, 2009

Check it out: Car Darts.  Darts with cars.  From the TV series Top Gear.  While maybe not the most impressive video you’ll see all day, it’s bound to be among the most wasteful and reckless.  (Seriously, I don’t think this is covered by my State Farm policy.)

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De shame! De shame!

April 28, 2009

Bad news: it’s a slide show.

More bad news: ultimately, it’s an advertisement for a book.

Good news: these losers are freakin’ hilarious!

Check out a sampling of NO REGRETS: THE BEST, WORST, & MOST RIDICULOUS TATTOOS EVER!  

Seriously, if these jokers haven’t all been spayed or neutered, then I fear for the future of the human race.

When Pigs Fly

April 27, 2009

Well, the swine flu is making the rounds as the media scare tactic du jour.  Not to suggest it isn’t deadly or doesn’t possess the ability to devastate cities, economies and the pork industry, but when everyone from the nightly news to the local free press talk it up with the same you-will-die enthusiasm that they did SARS, bird flu and anthrax, you have to question its reach.  But just in case we’re looking at another 1918 here, folks, bone up on the porcine plague with some 1976 PSAs.   Not necessarily funny per se (although the second one perks up a bit when you imagine they’re actually talking about an STD and not swine flu) but the datedness rankles and when you think back to that year, you realize that alarmist natures aren’t something sole property of the new millennium.

Kids Today…

April 26, 2009

Whatever happened to Libby the Kid? (That’s Billy the Kid spelled sideways, sort of.) I mean, back in the 70s, he was always around, touting those Libbyland dinners on TV. Then – bam! Nothing.

I heard a rumour that he got into a drunken knifefight with Twinkie the Kid at Studio 54 and died. If anyone knows, drop me a line. I mean, I know Mr. Bubble is living in a retirement home in Boca Raton and Mr. Salty is buried in Arlington and the Frito Bandito was deported and King Vitamin – well, the less said about that megalomaniacal schmuck, the better…

But Libby the Kid? Man. Whatever happened to him?

TOKYO THROES

April 25, 2009

This may be the weirdest and most disturbing Japanese kids show ever!  And that’s saying something.

Part of me wishes I spoke Japanese so I could tell exactly why the green-spandexed turtle guy feels the need to bury his frenemies in shallow graves.  However, I’m probably better off not really knowing.

EARTH DAY INTERVIEW

April 24, 2009

The week of April 18th through the 24th has been designated as Earth Week, a time set aside to honor our Mother Earth through conservation, education and environmental awareness.  And on April 22, THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE sat down with the planet of the hour … the Third Rock From The Sun, the Big Blue Marble, Terra, our world, home … Earth.  Here are some excerpts from the interview.

TFR: Scientists believe that you are around four and a half billion years old.  Can you reveal your actual age?

EARTH: Six thousand.  Don’t you read the Bible?

TFR: Uh, I don’t … I mean, that doesn’t …

EARTH: Ah, just yanking you!  I think those religious nutjobs are hilarious. No, really, I’m 4 billion, 542 million, 238 thousand, and nine years old, as of today.

TFR: So Earth Day is your birthday?

EARTH: Well, it’s the day I celebrate.  I was adopted.

TFR: Adopted?

EARTH: By Jupiter.  I don’t like to talk about it much.  We’re estranged now.

TFR: So, is it true that you were born out of the solar nebula through accretion…

EARTH: Oooh, you’ve done your homework.

TFR: And, while initially molten, your outer layer began cooling to form a solid crust when water began accumulating in the atmosphere?

EARTH: Spot on!

TFR: So your insides … your core … is it a solid sphere of iron-nickel alloy, as many believe?

EARTH: Nope.  Nougat.  Delicious chewy nougat.

TFR: Well, the surface is mostly water, right?

EARTH: I’m retaining.  It’s that time of the eon.

TFR: And looking back at your history … what would you say is your favorite moment?

EARTH: When that planetoid Theia impacted me back in the day and caused the formation of the moon.  Brilliant, that was. Closest I’ll ever come to sex.  And don’t think Venus hasn’t tried.

TFR: Hmmm … and your least favorite moment?

EARTH: The Cambrian explosion.  All those new life forms crawling all over me … eeehhhh … it’s like having lice all over your body!

TFR: Are you saying that you resent the life forms that reside upon you?

EARTH: At first, yeah, but not any more.  You get used to it.  Like when you rent an old apartment, you’re bound to have a few roaches and silverfish.

TFR: Are your prepared to address the origins of life?  I mean, is it in line with the amino acids and electricity of the Miller-Urey experiment or perhaps extraterrestrial in origin, say, a Mars meteorite?

EARTH: Definitely extraterrestrial but less Martian than Erich Von Däniken.

TFR: What?!

EARTH: Read Chariots of the Gods?, mate.

TFR: Alien astronauts?!

EARTH:  Shhhh!  Shhhhh!  I’ve said too much.  They might be listening.

TFR: You’re kidding again, right?

EARTH: Raëlism is looking pretty good now, I bet.

TFR: Uh.  Getting to tectonic theory for a bit …

EARTH: Oh, horrible!  Hate it!  Continental drift … landmasses all moving about.  Pangea was just fine but Laurasia didn’t get on with Gondwana and the next thing you know it’s 200 million years later and everyone’s all up in their own space.  Spoiled little bitches.

TFR: Are you worried about global warming at all?

EARTH: No way!  I love a warm spell.  Helps defrost my South Pole.  I mean, how’d you like running around with frosticles on your arse?

TFR: Well, funny you should mention …

EARTH: Plus, it gives me a chance to sing.

TFR: Sing?

EARTH: It’s getting hot in here! So take off all your clothes!

TFR: Seriously? You’ve been home to some of the most creative genius minds the universe has to offer and you’re quoting Nelly?

EARTH: Oh, take the stick out, Sparky. It’s getting hot in here! So take off all your clothes! I am getting’ so hot, I wanna take my clothes off.

TFR: That’s so sad.

The Earth can be seen rotating on its axis at a tilt and revolving around the Sun in what many suspect may be the oldest co-dependent relationship in the solar system.

Ova Uneasy

April 23, 2009

Speaks for itself…

eggs

Mother and Child Revulsion

April 20, 2009

Heard a rumor that Amy Winehouse is interested in adopting a child.

Now, I’ve no evidence to back this up, mind you, but I get the distinct impression that centuries from now – a thousand years maybe – in the year 2525 – whenever it happens – the most learned historians our planet has to offer will look back at this moment as the point when the human species jumped the shark.

It’s just a feeling I have.

What A Difference!

April 18, 2009

It’s amazing what a simple change in music can do…

Oh, man! Creepy Drummond is scary!  Does the Gooch know about this?

random

April 17, 2009

In Roman times, birthdays were celebrated by ritualistic bathing and anointing with spices and scented oils. The birthday celebrant would be wrapped in a garland of holly and oleander and paraded around the town square naked on the back of a beast of burden.

Call me old-fashioned but I’d prefer to just sing “Happy Birthday” than to see my Uncle Mitch in his birthday suit on an ass.