Archive for January, 2011

Best Guess

January 31, 2011

Frankie was a greengrocer in the Quad Cities back in the late 70s.  Much to his chagrin, across the street from his establishment, another greengrocer’s opened, this one part of a larger chain.  Frankie bet the owner of the new shop that he could guess his birthday in three tries.  If he succeeded, the new shop owner would close down.  If he missed the date, then he himself would go out of business.  The new greengrocer agreed and Frankie started out with April 2.  Wrong, the business man said.  So, Frankie Ventured November 30.  Wrong, again.  So, Frankie closed his eyes and took one last stab.  December 8?  Why, yes, the new shop owner confessed.  But how did Frankie know?

Hmmm.

How did Frankie know?  Did you spot the clues?

Moscoooow!

January 30, 2011

I really have no idea what to make of this.  It’s either an insane Russian ripoff of Mystery Science Theater 3000 or we’re being punked.  (Could it be both?)

See the open to Witness Project Popcorn HERE.

Doggy Bagged

January 28, 2011

Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2.  You heard me: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2.  They made a sequel.  Son of a bitch, the made a bloody sequel!  Okay, yes, I admit … I begrudgingly acknowledge that it is a direct-to-DVD sequel, however, the direct-to-DVDness does not in any way, shape or form negate the fact that they made a sequel to Beverly Hills Chihuahua.  It doesn’t even have a cutesy subtitle like In The Doghouse or Bad to the Bone or Bark to Basics.  No, it’s just Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2.  Not even Beverly Hills Chihuahua Dos!  So we have an inherent lack of imagination, which offends me.  We have animals being put in unnatural situations in the name of entertainment, which offends me.  And we have a lame-ass sequel to a movie that shouldn’t have been made in the first place, which offends me. 

If this movie were a dog in fact rather than just in concept, I would have it euthanized at the nearest vet’s office.

Ain’t Technology Grand?

January 27, 2011

Good news! You can now get THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE on your mobile phone!

You can text 4523456910(underscore)36820200000000000000(backslash)435761156636222222222472556778577856565515e5454656566666ZBDFG(smiley*face*emoticon)BR549[L7]*(ampersand)3 to SparkyMac and let the fun begin!

Coming soon: the podcast!

TCMmmmm

January 26, 2011

Every year, Turner Classic Movies does its 31 Days of Oscar, showcasing hundreds of films that took home the statue – for everything from best script to costume design to best actor and picture.  It’s always a good time to tune in and catch movies you’ve never seen, always meant to see, haven’t seen in ages or watch any time you can.  Basically, a real good time to hone up on your cine-phile cred.

TCM’s 31 Days of Oscar.  Check out the schedule HERE.  Come for Casablanca. Stay for Network.

Sock It To Me?

January 25, 2011

Socks are the only gift that a teenage boy should receive on his birthday. At least according to the presents my cheap-ass Uncle Gary gave me when I was an adolescent.

Thanks a lot, you old fool. Yeah, I got your thank you note right here.

THE HOT TEN

January 24, 2011

 

What’s on my mind?  What have I been watching?  What have I been doing?  What have I been talking about?  The Hot Ten will bring you up to speed.

 

TACO BELL MEAT MAY NOT BE BEEF.  So charges an Alabama law firm, suggesting that calling it “seasoned beef” is false advertising and the taco filling is nothing more than a “meat mixture.”  My guess is DNA testing may turn up more than a little Chihuahua in that mixture.

 

RAHM EMANUEL CAN’T RUN FOR CHI-TOWN MAYORAn Illinois court rules the former Obama Chief of Staff wasn’t a legal resident of the Windy City for the past year and is, thus, ineligible. Since when did legality, ethics and principles factor into Chicago politics?

 

FLAVA FLAV OPENS CHICKEN RESTAURANT.  His chicken comes in “original” or “extra crack-sy.”

 

OPRAH EXCITED TO FIND SISTER SHE DIDN’T KNOW SHE HAD.  More excited to find Twinkie she didn’t know she had.

 

STATE OF THE UNION MIXED SEATING.  Congress to sit amongst opposite party in order to foster togetherness – and hypocrisy.

 

BATH SALTS GROWING DRUG PROBLEM.  Who knew that Mr. Bubble would be the new Scarface?

 

FITNESS GURU JACK LALANNE DIES AT 96.  What? I thought exercise was supposed to keep you alive!

 

TWILIGHT TOPS WORST MOVIE LIST.  Huh? Did someone not see The Tooth Fairy?

 

SELF-CONTROL TURNS KIDS INTO SUCCESSFUL ADULTS.  Lack of self control turns kids into Jersey Shore roommates.

 

LANCE ARMSTRONG ENDS INTERNATIONAL CYCLING CAREER.  Well, after all the ups and downs, let’s at least hope he had a ball.

 

Sparky MacMillan is not a girl, not yet a woman.  

Hot n Cold

January 23, 2011

Cold Duck and Hot Pockets? What’s that, you ask? The makings of one damn fine birthday meal, that’s what. Don’t believe me? Then just ask one Miss Karen Stafford, former classmate of yours truly at UNC, about her 21st birthday and see what she says.

Nasty

January 21, 2011

During the recent inclement weather, I found myself at home with little to do so I embarked on some pre-Spring cleaning.  Discovered that the spare bathroom sink had a bit of a leak and underneath in the cabinet there was this nasty gunk, a sort of moldy funk that stank to high heaven and was just a disgusting pain to clean up.  Went through a bunch of Soft Scrub and Bounty before I even managed to make a dent in the gross grimy goop.  And when I was done I had that filth on my hands, even through the latex gloves!  I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed with the harshest soap I had but I couldn’t seem to shake that unclean feeling.  Man, just even thinking about that revolting mess makes me want to puke.

Oh .. hey … that reminds me. I just read that Sandra Bullock’s ex, Jesse James, is engaged to tattoo artist Kat Von D. 

Hmmm. Funny. I wonder what made me think of that all of a sudden?

Presents We Mind

January 20, 2011
 
I was answering this online quiz once and the question was posed: “What is America’s most hated birthday gift?” The options were scented candles, bath salts or novelty mugs. I checked the mugs, of course, but was informed that I was wrong; it’s the candles. Now I’ve got to express my disbelief here because, while it’s true that not everyone cares for scented candles (the Philistines!), show me anyone who’s EVER gotten excited over a “World’s Best Golfer” coffee mug. I’d wager even Tiger Woods wants to lodge ceramic shards of pain in the backsides of his kids when they try and pull that kind of cheap-ass stupidity.