Archive for May, 2008

Wait’ll He Gets The Bill!

May 30, 2008

People are stupid (present company excepted, of course).  Especially when they deal with wildlife.

Click HERE and check out this tool as he gets the bird … right in the face!

heh.  It just makes me laugh to see goobers like this get busted.

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Feat of Clay

May 30, 2008

Hmmm. What’s that? I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch — WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!!

Clay Aiken is gonna be a father?!

What? Is he pregnant like that guy in England who had a sex change?  I mean, that’d have to be it, right?  Because – because I cannot possibly entertain any other reason in this whole freakin’ universe that could explain this – this aberration.

Unless … hey, anyone know the Old Testament?  Apocalyptic prophesies, to be precise.

Sad

May 29, 2008

I just found out that actor Harvey Korman has passed away.

Go out RIGHT NOW and rent Blazing Saddles or High Anxiety or something.  Tears will not do; we must have laughter to honor this man!

Um … 16?

May 28, 2008

Try your hand at THE HARDEST LOST QUIZ EVER.  (Seriously. The only way this bugger could be any harder is if you had to survive a plane crash and be stranded on a deserted island to take it.)

Fool Me Once …

May 28, 2008

Back in fifth grade, my best friend and I went in halfsies on what we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt was going to be the coolest thing ever in our young lives – a monster!  But not just any monster, no – a life-size monster that obeys your every whim and comes when you command!

We ordered it out of the back of a comic book.  I think it was $1.50, so we each put seventy-five cents in an envelope and mailed it off.  It said wait six to eight weeks, but of course we’d come home every day after school and immediately look in the mailbox.  We did this for two months.  Finally, it arrived.

Now, understand. We weren’t stupid.  Gullible, perhaps.  Naive, definitely.  We knew the illustration of Frankenstein’s Monster in the comic, arms outstretched in that familiar B-movie gait, was not what we were going to get in the post.  No, obviously had this mail-order firm somehow been able to mass produce actual hulking, shambling, resurrected-from-the-dead monsters, then every single schoolboy would have one, especially at the price of a buck-fifty.  We got that concept pretty clearly.  Besides, dead or alive or undead, the whole human slave thing was pretty clear to us as far as morality went.  No, we saw that ad and thought it could be a robot or a radio-controlled mechanical man or maybe just a full-on costume that would be some mind-bogglingly awesomely cool that we would scare the ever-lovin’ bejeezus outta every classmate at J.Y. Joyner Elementary.

So when we opened the mailbox and saw the package – heh, package is being too generous – large envelope, well, we were more than a little disappointed. (Of course, logically, had we suspected something as huge as an automaton, why were we looking in a mailbox every day rather than expecting a massive van to drive up with a special delivery crate we had to sign for?  Good question.  And one our 10-year-old brains did not entertain even for a second.)

We took the envelope inside and opened it to find – a poster of Frankenstein’s Monster (the same picture as the comic book ad).  Instructions were included on how you could put it on a string in a dark room (so no one would notice the string) and call forth your monster then pull the string and have the poster slide down another string.  “Obey your every whim!”  As long as the whim was to slide on a string when pulled and look like crap, effectively fooling no one.

I can’t remember what we did with the poster.  I know no strings were involved, no commands given, no friends astonished (good word “astonish” – always seem to be amply used in those comic book ads, although I can honestly say I don’t think I ever saw any of my friends in elementary school actually astonished for any reason. Amazed, sure.  Surprised, yes.  Agog – once during Webelos.  But never astonished.)  I suspect the thing hung in one of our closets for a few months until it ended up thrown in a garbage can along with the many expectations of youth.

The point of all this is that I WAS NOT ALONE.  And so, CRACKED lists the 12 COMIC BOOK ADS THAT TAUGHT US HOW TO BE CYNICAL.  My monster isn’t listed but other, more familiar ads, are.  Maybe you too waited by a mailbox for one of these.  Sucker.

Sparky MacMillan is an expert in the disposal business.

THE HOT TEN

May 26, 2008

What’s on my mind?  What have I been watching?  What have I been doing?  What have I been talking about?  The Hot Ten will bring you up to speed.

FAMILY CIRCUS MOM DIES. Thelma Keane, wife of Bil Keane and inspiration for the Mommy character in Family Circus, died Friday of Alzheimer’s disease.  Who hopes this doesn’t affect the daily strip?  Not me!

SPACECRAFT LANDS AT MARTIAN NORTH POLE.  Martian Santa Claus said to be placing NASA on his “naughty” list.

INDIANA JONES MOVIE UPSETS COMMUNISTS.   Damn right!  At $9.50 a ticket, I would think any political affiliation would be pissed off.

LIBERTARIANS PICKS BARR AS PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.  Methinks the nomination process went a little something like this: “Everybody who’s willing to be associated with the Libertarian Party gather round.  Okay … one potato … two potato … “

DAVID COOK WINS AMERICAN IDOL.  Ah … um … nope, can’t pretend to care.  I have a life.

BIG OIL DEFENDS RECORD PROFITS BEFORE SENATE.  They arrived by night, spread their lies, sacrificed a few maidens and then vanished in a puff of hellfire and brimstone, leaving the senators confused, yet in their thrall.

JESSICA LANGE BASHES IRAQ WAR IN GRADUATION SPEECH.  Meanwhile, Tanya Roberts chastises Myanmar’s slow acceptance of cyclone aid, Adrienne Barbeau harangues Hugo Chavez’s human rights record, Cathy Lee Crosby protests the Darfur massacre and, across the nation, scads of past-their-prime C-list hotties beg for another 15 minutes.

LAST KNOWN WWI VETERAN HONORED.  If they really wanted to honor him they’d stay the hell off his lawn!!

PILOTS RUN OUT OF FUEL, PRAY, THEN LAND NEAR JESUS SIGN.  Faithful around the world cry, “Miracle!”  Of course, logically, this means that all the pilots who have ever died in plane crashes were godless heathens who didn’t pray hard enough and deserved the fiery embrace of Lucifer’s realm.

WARREN BUFFETT SEES “LONG, DEEP” U.S. RECESSION.  He went on to express concerns that it would hit “harder, faster” than anticipated and “penetrate” well into American’s wallets.  Not to worry though – turns out he was just having phone sex with Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke.

Sparky MacMillan – he’s got a mind like a sewer and heart like a fridge.

Good Night, Dick

May 25, 2008

Just read the news that Laugh-In co-host Dick Martin passed away at the age of 86.

Now there are those too young to remember Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In and that’s a damn shame.  Comedy Central (or was it the Comedy Channel then?) aired it for a while in the late 80s, I think, but it really hasn’t been much seen on the small screen since the early 70s. Part Vaudeville, part cocktail party, the show was an overnight sensation and changed the face of comedy on television.  Dick Martin was the sillier half of the Rowan and Martin duo, but the team, the show, the banter, the non sequiturs, the double entendres make it a classic that will always be beloved in my heart.

My favorite exchange – my pal George and I still reference it on occasion – goes a little something like this:

Dan: Say, I’m going to the Virgin Islands. Can I bring you back anything?

Dick: Well, my second choice would be an alligator belt.

Ah, yes.  Comedy gold.  Rest in peace, Dick Martin.  May you and Dan turn the afterlife into one swingin’, sockin’ hilarious party! 

And you can look that up in your Funk and Wagnall’s!

An Indiana Jones

May 23, 2008

If you want a Crystal Skull psych up, check out these 20 FUN FACTS ABOUT INDIANA JONES.

(“Short Round now assistant managing a Denny’s in Bakersfield” strangely absent.)

Girls Girls Girls

May 21, 2008

Gossip Girl or Golden Girl?  Trust me, it’s not as easy to tell as you might think.  Take a quick, 9-question quiz and see if you know your Blair from your Blanche, you CW from your AARP, your bitch from your butch (yeah, Bea Arthur, I’m talking about you).

Click HERE for your GG lovefest.

Dud Duds

May 21, 2008

Perennial listmaker Wizard Magazine chronicles the 10 MOST CONTROVERSIAL COSTUMES CHANGES IN COMICS.  Can’t say I agree on all (was changing Cap’s A to a star really controversial?) and they don’t give ample pics – only one group photo at the bottom (lame) – but it’s worth a check if fanboy is in your blood.  Me, I bleed mylar and newsprint, so I had to look.  Couldn’t help myself.  (I’m looking right now.)