Archive for June, 2009

Patriot Acts (Part One)

June 30, 2009

Since Saturday is Independence Day, I thought I’d peruse and pass along some of the more patriotic videos I could find.  We’ll start out with a humdinger of a Stars & Stripes Forever cover by – the Muppets!  (Has the Swedish Chef become a US Citizen yet?  Hope so.  I won’t even get into where the heck Animal comes from.)

It’s Never “Too Soon” For Funny

June 29, 2009

You may disagree, so I’ll tell you the link is to a cartoon depicting David Caruso’s CSI: Miami character reacting to Michael Jackson’s death.  I see it not so much as making fun of Jacko but of parodying the insane lengths to which Caruso will go to intro the show.

Check it out HERE.

Digital Transition

June 26, 2009

It seems there was a time when a toy couldn’t be manufactured unless, at the very least, it truly possessed the ability to put someone’s eye out.  Ah, good times.  Freaky, highly disturbed times … but good nonetheless.

Snake! It’s A Snake! Oh, It’s A Snake!

June 24, 2009

Currently the SC governor is the one making headlines for being – well, no one’s quite sure just yet (update: the gov has admitted to an Argentinian affair, so that makes him, what? – a politician) – but if you want another reason to avoid the Palmetto State, then look no further than the following little gem…

In order to see if Burmese Pythons can live in the wild north of Florida, scientists are releasing some in South Carolina.  But wait …  that’s not all!  The scientists have dumped the seven snakes in a pit at an old nuclear weapons complex!!!  Holy mother of Grodd, aren’t there regulatory agencies to prevent this type of ill-thought-out dumbassery?!  I mean, this sounds like the beginning of a bad B-movie – call it Devil Snake or something.  Oh, sure, the scientists claim the snakes are penned in by a 400-foot reinforced fence but we all know that as soon as the nuclear waste evolves their brains to the point of sentience or gives them wings or mutates them to a staggering 50-foot size, they are just going to scale that damn fence and then it’s only a matter of time until we’re all mutant atomic snake food!

Seriously, South Carolina, get your freaking act together.  Florida’s supposed to be the pinhead state, but after this crap you know damn well you’re now the understudy 

Deep Sea $#@!

June 23, 2009

I’d heard about this particular piece of celluloid offal for some time now, but I wasn’t sure what to make of it.  It’s Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.  And it’s the type of Hollywood drivel that makes Snakes On A Plane look like an AFI classic.  Now, I don’t begrudge B movies normally – they all have a place in grand scheme of things (usually on the Sci Fi Channel on Saturday nights) – but this one looks not to be played with the usual tongue-in-cheekiness that allows one to forgive a host of sins, from bad CGI to even worse acting, but with a solemn earnestness best left for Scorsese pics. 

However, all that aside, the main thing that pops into my head when I view this drivel is “What will George think?”  Primarily, my pal George (hi, George) has a death fear of sharks.  But he also loves Debbie – excuse me, Deborah Gibson.  He can’t possibly watch this film; I doubt he’ll even view the trailer below.  And I know how he feels, as I found myself facing a similar dilemma a few years ago when I discovered the lovely and talented Megyn Price was co-starring in Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector.  (For the record, I did not go see the film in the cinema nor have I watched it since on cable or DVD.)

So, forgive me, George, if I suggest anyone take a quick gander at the stink-to-high-heaven awfulness of the trailer for Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus… even for giggles.

*

June 23, 2009

Because some folks have asked what the heck a Whee-Lo is.   (And, hey, thanks for making me feel older than I already do.)

Lolla-Pop-looza

June 21, 2009

Ah, what a Father’s Day!

Up at 6am, waking to the smell of Moira’s French Toast fritters along with her homemade asiago and chive scones.  A rousing bout of Don’t Break The Ice and Cootie with Jake and Maxine, still in their pajamas.  A nice long soak in the bubble bath, dressing in a hand-tailored linen suit topped off with a hula girl tie and then off to the Summer Solstice festival for pagan revelry and a vibe so positive it could keep me from getting health insurance due to a pre-existing condition.  Afterwards, super soakers in the garden, a picnic lunch of taters, slaw and beans, and a quick dip in the neighbors’ backyard-deck hot tub (they’ll never know).  Then, it was presents a-plenty and gifts galore from my nearest and dearest: a Potty Putter, The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again on Blu-ray, a gift certificate to the Piercing Pagoda, a signed copy of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight, an onion blossomer and the patented Norwegian fashion must – Socks-N-A-Basket.  Such are the spoils of daddyhood.  But, the best was yet to come as the kids were carted off to mom and dad’s, giving Moira and I the chance to renew our vows in a very private ceremony involving crystals, body glitter, a Whee-Lo and some scrumptious dark chocolate fondue.

Y’know, it almost tops that Father’s Day in ’99 when I was kidnapped at gunpoint, bound and gagged, and treated to the Ice Capades with the in-laws and Dan Cortese.

Hey.  I said “almost.”

Yes, We Have No – AAAIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

June 20, 2009

Funny?  Not sure.  You be the judge.  As long as the penalty is “death!”

Trailer Mash

June 19, 2009

It’s Friday. So let’s waste a few minutes with urlesque.com‘s 10 BEST RECUT MOVIE TRAILERS.   Some interesting takes on the movie trailers we know and love (why is it that romantic comedy lends itself so easily to the horror genre, I ask) although they left out my personal favorite: SHINING.  Enjoy!

Darth Vater

June 17, 2009

As you may know, Sunday is Father’s Day, the day we set aside to honor the man who sired us or raised us or sent the child support checks or put himself through grad school by making monthly deposits at the local fertility clinic.  Anyway, if you’re like me, you don’t have a whole lotta use for a day like this, except as a creative outlet, so do what I do: pick a guy’s name at random from the phone book and send him an anonymous Father’s Day card!!!  Woo hoo!!!  Imagine the look on some poor schmuck’s face as he opens that Hallmark and begins to sweat, imagining that his past has finally caught up with him. 

Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!

Cruel, perhaps, even needlessly so, but since the advent of Caller ID and *69 have prevented me from calling up fake pizza orders, I have to get my jollies somewhere!