Posts Tagged ‘Monkeys’

On Your Bike!

January 26, 2018

The video below may be the strangest thing I’ve seen since Jackie Gleason tripping on acid. It purports to be a 1963 Bicycle Safety Film but I think it’s really a perverse look into a post-apocalyptic world where apes evolved from men (and learned to ride bikes). These apes then allowed their offspring to roam the land in packs. Callous, sad offspring at that – the kind of kids who don’t even bother to stop when one of their own is horribly killed right in front of their eyes! Seriously, if this were a Bicycle Safety Film, why did the filmmakers fail to mention the cardinal rule of Scwhinn safety – don’t ride a bike while wearing a freaking monkey mask?!

I think the most amazing thing about this video isn’t the fact that, as a child, I broke every single one of these rules and was only slightly killed (true story) but that it reminds me of this most awesome video: A CHIMPANZEE RIDING ON A SEGWAY! Woo hoo! Look at him go!


The Rain Explained, Humanely Simians Trained

June 12, 2017

Did it rain in Oz? It must have. They had agriculture (thus, a need for scarecrows) and even though some of the flora talked it nonetheless needed the same things plants do here – sunlight, oxygen and water. Okay, so if it rains in Oz then the Wicked Witch of the West can’t go outside when it rains. Basic premise, given, and that’s probably why she has all those trained flying monkeys. “Fly, my monkeys, and go down to the corner shop and pick up some malt liquor, a Soap Opera Digest and a lotto scratch off!” So, buying into the fact that it rains, she can’t go out, she sends the monkeys, I’m just going out on a limb here when I say that castle must have really reeked during the rainy season what with the musty smell of wet monkey permeating the upholstery.

Here’s hoping the Wizard had the Febreeze market cornered.


July 18, 2016

Five Rarely-Used Sexual Roleplay Characters

Edward Snowden

The GEICO Gecko

UN Secretary-General, Ban Ki-moon

The Orkin Man

That chick that comes out of the well in The Ring


Five Sharknado Sequels and Spin-offs

Shark Continental Drift



One Fin Day



Five First Date Faux Pas

Showing up late

Dominating the conversation

Telling him how awesome your last boyfriend was in bed

Bringing along your Yu-Gi-Oh! cards

Slathering dessert on your bare chest and inviting her to “lick off, baby … lick it all off!”


Five Monkey Nightclub Names

Baboon’s Farm




Marmoset There’d Be Raves Like This


Five Pillsbury Doughboy Fears

People won’t adjust baking time for high altitudes

Yeast infections

The crescent rolls will turn out vaguely phallic shaped

Easy-Bake Oven = Slow Death




October 13, 2015

Five Ways To Make Political Debates Better

All responses must be limited to 140 characters

Replace moderator with Lucha libre wrestler

Flub a question, do a shot

Monkeys (everything’s better with monkeys!)

Pre-empt them

Five Odd Relationship Dealbreakers

Your feng shui doesn’t match

Constantly fills DVR with repeats of Ghost Hunters

She starts dressing like your mom and calling you by your dad’s name

He sleeps with an autographed picture of Chuck Woolery

His foreplay consists solely of Travis Bickle’s “You talkin’ to me?” monologue

Five Reasons I’ve Got A Mancrush on Nathan Fillion

His rugged Canadian-bred good looks

He’s worked with Stephen Spielberg

He voiced Green Lantern in a few DC Comics animated films

He co-founded a charity to get more books into underfunded libraries

He was Mal freakin’ Reynolds on Firefly!!!!

Five Signs You’re Obsessed With Fantasy Football

Your wife asks you to take out the trash while you’re watching the game and you contact a divorce attorney

Your dogs are named Draft and King

In the last calendar year, you spent more time coming up with a team name than you did with your kids

You set your line-up instead of delivering your father’s eulogy

You call out Le’Veon Bell’s name during sex

Five Rarely Used Twitter Hashtags







FIVE RANDOM FIVE (All-Animal Edition)

January 12, 2015

Five Signs You Married A Monkey

Your compost bin is 90% full of banana peels

Some spouses nitpick; she picks nits

Her family reunions take place in a zoo

That big red ass

Instead of throwing the bouquet, she flings her poo


Five Bird Names I Can’t Believe Are Bird Names

Slaty-breasted tinamou

Southern screamer

Erect-crested penguin

Tawny frogmouth

Cinnamon-frosted crampstuffer


Five LOLcat Wannabes







Five Dolphin Complaints

Those bastards at Sea World

Fin rot

Since he went Hollywood, Flipper never returns calls

Racists who confuse us with porpoises

Handsy tourists who always wanna stick something in the blowhole


Five Reasons Old McDonald Should Be Locked Up

Farm is really a front for illegal pot operation

Runs fetish site involving free range eggs and a some busty milkmaids

“Old McDonald” really a codename for Russian mob hitman

Mrs. McDonald is buried out behind the chicken coop

He’s racked up a list of crimes against nature so extensive that he’s consistently atop PETA’s Most Wanted list