Archive for January, 2008

Musta Got Lost

January 31, 2008

The new season of Lost premieres tonight on ABC and – hot damn! – I can’t wait.  If, like me, you’ve been salivating over the possibilities for almost a year now (well, eight or nine months, give or take), then feel free to take the day off and ramp up the excitement with these sites:

If you’re daring enough, take to the skies and FLY OCEANIC AIR.

Test your knowledge on what happened last year with a SEASON THREE QUIZ.

Can’t remember much?  Then use this handy-dandy CHEAT SHEET to prep for the premiere!

Refresh your memory by viewing a few PREVIOUS EPISODES at ABC.com.

Fill in the gaps with the MISSING PIECES.

Still have questions? You are not alone.  See these 48 QUESTIONS WE STILL HAVE ABOUT LOST.

Or get some ideas for throwing a way cool LOST-THEMED PARTY. However, if you do this, FYI – I can’t come.  I have plans.  So don’t even bother asking.  Seriously!  Let’s not get all awkward or nothin’. 

Well, I do feel a bit peckish.

January 29, 2008

If you’re like me, then you probably frequently ask yourself, “How likely am I to eat my friends?”

Thankfully, you’re probably nothing like me. And to be honest, I’ve never asked myself that question.  Especially since there’s a web site that asks the question for me.

If you are so inclined, head on over to WOULD YOU EAT YOUR BUDDIES IN A BLIZZARD?  By answering a few quick questions, you’ll receive an assessment of exactly how likely you are to end up in the annals of history with the likes of the Donner Party and that soccer team that crashed in the Andes. 

Would you eat your buddies in a blizzard?  The answer may surprise you.  Or delight you (depending on your wont).

Random

January 27, 2008

One time, in fifth grade, I was having a cub scout meeting at my place and this neighbor came over – I think his name was Mr. Hopnagle – and he complained about all the noise we kids were making. (We lived in a crappy apartment with paper-thin walls, a far cry from the crappy apartment with cardboard-thin walls I live in today.) My mom, whom I suspect had been putting up with a pack of screaming Webelos only by way of a bottle of Jim Beam she kept hidden in the toilet tank, tried to dissuade the neighbor from contacting the landlord and having us evicted. Eventually, they both went into the bedroom and put on the soundtrack to Urban Cowboy real loud. After about ten minutes, Mr. Hopnagle came out to the living room and got a couple of Pasbt out of the fridge and some nylon cords we were using to pratice knot tying and he went back inside the bedroom. About five minutes later I heard my mom scream Tom Selleck’s name. Then Mr. Hopnagle left and my mom came out and told all the kids to go home even though we hadn’t worked out all the plans for the upcoming pinewood derby. We got evicted two weeks later, however, not because Hopnagle complained but because my dad was found passed out drunk and naked in the laundry room.

Webslingin’

January 25, 2008

Here ya go, folks!  Multiple web sites to amuse, amaze and – uh – amish?  No, dammit.  Sorry.  I was going for a cool alliteration thing but it crashed and burned.

Anyhow…

Like to thrill yourself with puke-inducing velocity? Well, ride on the edge with THE 10 BEST ROLLERCOASTERS ON EARTH.  Your actual mileage may vary.

Hungry for something chewy and icky?  (Ew, gross.)  Perhaps you might want to chomp down on the TOP 5 THINGS THAT SHOULDN’T BE GUMMI.  FYI: bears don’t even make the short list.

And as long as we’re eating, enjoy some CLASSIC BREAKFAST COMMERCIALS.  Remember: it’s the most important advert of the day.

“Don’t make me angry.  You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”  Actually, a lot of folks did like David Banner when he was angry and here’s the ultimate list of INCREDIBLE HULK PROVOCATIONS.  Basically, every reason that Banner transformed into the Green Goliath (well, Lou Ferrigno).

And finally – get a wealth of island insight with EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM LOST.  Surprisingly, a DUI will get you killed off a hit TV series absent from the list.

All right, that’s it for now.  You should be able to sufficiently waste a few hours with those time sponges.

Academy A-weird

January 22, 2008

The nominations for the 80th Academy Awards were announced early Tuesday morning and something is amiss.  Not that a lot of good films and actors weren’t nominated; no, they were.  It’s rather what else got a nod from the Academy.

Click here for a link to the official Oscar site. Then scroll down to “Achievement in makeup” and there you’ll see the three nominees: La Vie en Rose, Norbit and Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.

Excuse me?  Wha – huh?  NORBIT?!  What the bloody hell?!  Are you freaking kidding me?

No, I haven’t seen the Eddie Murphy so-called comedy.  All I’ve seen is the trailer, which is more than anyone should be required to see, and, I’d wager, all one would need to see to grasp the celluloid subleties of this particular chucklefest.  And I cannot help but wonder why this steaming turd deserved the honor when dozens of similar films did not.  Come on – what incredible breakthrough occurred behind the scenes of this cinematic masterpiece that wasn’t available during the Nutty Professor remakes or wasn’t within the reach of Tyler Perry or Martin Lawrence or [insert name of black actor in a fat suit in a bad comedy]?

I mean, Norbit?! The fact that this dog of a flick might be given an Oscar is practically obscene.  Like hearing K Fed is up for a spot on the Supreme Court or something.  I can only hope that this is some kind of a joke or a mistake.  Like Marisa Tomei’s first nomination, y’know.

Sparky MacMillan – just plain ornery is what he is.

Strange Bedfellows

January 22, 2008

If politics have you stumped and all the candidates for prez seem to have all the appeal of cold oatmeal, then you should try your luck with the ELECTORAL COMPASS.  Answer a few questions about your political inclinations and divine the candidate that most closely matches your leanings.

Doesn’t take too long and it’s actually more than a bit eye opening.  Of course, it told me I most closely matched with the late Thomas E. Dewey, so make of that what you will.  (Although I’d wager Dewey has as much of a chance of winning the ’08 race as does Kucinich.)

Pastry Face

January 20, 2008

I’m not sure how I feel about this.

I love progress, but I also dig a little retro. Old school is cool but an old dog needs a few new tricks every now and again. Honestly, it depends on the situation. I want my dentist to be hip to the latest in oral surgery techniques. But my postal carrier only needs a bag of mail and one of those pith helmet lookin’ things on his head.

Kind of off track here.

The nub of my gist is that I saw a bag of those little mini-doughnuts called Sweet Sixteen the other day. I haven’t eaten the things probably since college (but they are awesome!) and it’s been as long if not longer since I’ve bothered to take true note of the packaging.  

You remember the Sweet Sixteen doughnut packaging? White bag, translucent window, so’s you can see the goods on the inside, and a series of little sketched people engaged in activities that can only be described as square at best: hula hooping, sock hopping, the like. Extremely 50s. I always took note of this when I was younger. Even then, the kids on the Sweet Sixteen bag seemed outdated. But it was neat in its own way. I figured the artwork on the package probably hadn’t changed since they started making the tasty little pastries. Like those Dr. Pepper bottles with the 10-2-4 on them. Pretty cool.

But like I said I saw a bag the other day. I was waiting in line at a convenience store and there they were. I thought to myself, “Man, I could devour a bag of those things.” I didn’t buy them for just that reason, mind you. Nonetheless, I really looked at it and saw – to my horror! – that the little people had changed! They weren’t 1950s any more. They were inline skating and talking on cell phones and downloading internet porn! Okay, I made up the last one, but the point is at some point over the last decade or so Sweet Sixteen had seen fit to forego their retro character design for something more hip and 21st century.

Why? Why, I ask. Was there a steady decline in Sweet Sixteen sales due to the quaint portrayal of Happy Days rejects on the bags? Does anyone in PR at Sweet Sixteen honestly believe that sales will increase because Biff is now Chad Michael and he’s got a boombox instead of a hi fi? Has anyone besides me and the middle management tool that oversaw the redesign even looked at a Sweet Sixteen package closely since 1957?

No. Some things should stay as there are. Like Olivia Newton-John pre-Grease. Don’t change ‘em! I don’t fear change but it’s not ALWAYS for the better, people.

Okay. Rant over.

Damn. Now, I want some doughnuts. And Olivia Newton-John.

Bland Of Oz

January 18, 2008

At my 13th birthday party, this Australian kid from my rhythmic gymnastics class stood up and – hmm? What? Yes, I took rhythmic gymnastics when I was in 7th grade. So what? You don’t have enough ammunition to make fun of me already? Anyway, this Aussie kid stands up and raises his glass of Hawaiian Punch and says, “Here’s to Sparky. He’s a keeper!” Well, the rest of us just stared at him. Not that it wasn’t completely odd that a junior high school kid would make a toast, but we all stared because, due to his accent, we all misunderstood him and thought he said, “He’s a kipper.” (For the record, I was not at that time, nor have I been at any moment since, either a male salmon shortly after the spawning season or a herring that had been split, salted, and smoked.) We thought the doofus from Down Under was crazy eight bonkers and all us kids started calling him “The Kipper” in really bad Australian accents. He left school a year later and went back to Melbourne.

And now … that kid … is none other than … actor Russell Crowe.

Page Two.

Sparky MacMillan is an annoying, whiny manchild.

Feline Groovy

January 17, 2008

Do you like Garfield?  Do you hate Garfield?  Do you live in a world where people who waste any emotion on a comic strip so past its prime are to be shunned?

Then check out LASAGNA CAT

Essentially, some guy reenacts the lukewarm strip, complete with canned laughter, rim shot and surreal musical number.  See Jon’s dream of growing a moustache come to life!  Witness Odie’s incredible wagging appendage as never before!  You will believe a cat can crave lasagna!

Garfield has never been funnier.  Trust me on that.

Ball Game

January 16, 2008

If you want to see the oddest, most hilarious PSA ever, then click HERE.

I won’t say more than it involves a sports term I really wasn’t very familiar with (but it didn’t prevent me from getting the point pretty well) and a self-administered exam that should be done privately.