Archive for December, 2013

Should auld acquaintance be forgot? Hell yes.

December 31, 2013

Okay, that’s another year come and gone (much like Anthony Weiner’s political career) and it’s time to reflect on what I’ve done. So give me a moment while I look back at my New Year’s resolutions for 2013.

Start taking gingko biloba. Check.

Make a will. Completed.

Spend $142 million on a painting by Francis Bacon. Yep.

Get Benedict XVI to resign. Done.

Sign up for Obamacare. Tried it – finally gave up.

Make the word “Totes” totes happenin’. Gotcha!

Teach Miley to twerk. Sigh. Yes. (more…)

BEST OF/WORST OF 2013

December 30, 2013

As the year winds to a close, you’re gonna be subjected to a crapload of “best of” and “worst of” lists. Best TV Shows, Worst Films, Best Memes, Worst Songs … that kind of stuff. Well, I’ve come up with the list that tops them all – The Top Ten Best Of/Worst Of 2013. That’s right – the best AND the worst, all in one great list! Which is which, what is what, who is who? That’s for me to know and you to find out.

So here they are – The Top Ten Best Of/Worst Of 2013.

10. Obamacare

9. Breaking Bad

8. Poopourri

7. Miley Cyrus’ twerking

6. Benedict Cumberbatch

5. The Sound of Music Live!

4. Jennifer Lawrence’s Fulcer

3. Sharknado

2. Thanksgivinukkah

1. Watermelon Oreos / The Royal Baby (tie)

Hang It All!

December 29, 2013

I was in the mall the other day and I walked by a frame shop. Outside said boutique was a sign which proudly proclaimed:

DRY MOUNTING ON THE SPOT

Now, I know exactly what they mean, but please …

There MUST be a better way of phrasing that, people.

Dinosaur Training

December 27, 2013

If you want to learn more about dinosaurs, don’t turn to some asinine kids show – enroll in university! Or at least take a free course. That’s why the spots for the University of Alberta’s free online paleobiology class uses a somewhat familiar character named Jurassic George to drive home the point that dinos and humans were not exactly cozy pals.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

December 25, 2013

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. Just a cute kiddie song? Hardly. The little brat singing the ditty is all a-titter that his mom’s liplocking old St. Nick – y’know, just pasting a big one on the Jolly Old Elf – snogging Father Christmas right good. The kid has no earthly idea that it’s his own dad, right? In fact, the little dipwad opines, “What a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night?” Ya think, doofus? Oh yeah, I’m sure Pops would have been pleased as punch to catch his wife making out with another guy, Spirit of Christmas or not. Let’s face it – if the kid is correct in any sense and it’s not his old man in a fake beard playing tonsil hockey that means “Mommy” is, at best, a flirt and a cheat or, at worst, whoring herself out to get the kid his Christmas presents.

Face it. Your entire childhood is one seriously screwed up pastiche of Freudian mishigas.

Big Mad On Krampus (A Christmas Classic)

December 24, 2013

This is the Krampus. It’s a real thing (in the sense that Bavarian youngsters believe it as much as American kids believe in Santa). I think it is so unbelievably awesome that kids in Austria grow up believing this crap. And I think the problem with kids in the United States is that they don’t.

Squier! Squier! Pants on Fire!

December 23, 2013

A little yuletide goodness from the early days of MTV (when it actually stood for Music Television).

Merry Chuckmas

December 20, 2013

The Clause That Represses

December 19, 2013

Okay, let me get this straight…

“You better watch out…” Ooh, sounds ominous. Nothing good can be on the horizon with a warning as dire as this.

“You better not cry…” Morality seems an absolute here. Very puritan. Very Amish.

“You better not shout, I’m telling you why…” Forget reasonable discourse. This is a dictate derived from a simple purpose: to bend others to one’s own will. My way or the highway. A parental “Because I said so!”

“Santa Claus is coming to town.” A notice of this calibre can mean one of two things: the subject is either a great egomaniac or a criminal who’s been forced to alert the populace when he’s entering a neighborhood.

“He knows if you’ve been sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…” So he’s spying on you, is he? Perhaps he’s outside right now, watching you. Sounds like a stalker to me.

“He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake…” And he’s apparently heavily judgmental too. Good, bad, what kind of labels are these? Is this based on ethical relativism or mere casuistry? And I think I detect a slight element of fear and inducement there as well.

Sigh.

Santa Claus. Father Christmas. Saint Nicholas. Not a very good role model, is he?

Basically, we’re talking about an obese elderly man who invites young children to sit on his lap and tell him what they want. He dresses flamboyantly and lives alone with a large collection of freaks and bizarre zoo rejects in what can best be described as an isolated compound. His whereabouts and activities are largely secret. He claims to have superhuman abilities. His PR is delivered in such a way as to suggest a Nazi-like propaganda machine.

And yet, he is beloved. He is anxiously awaited. He is considered to be the Spirit of Christmas.

Are we one ridiculously screwed up looney nation or what?

Good For Your Heart

December 17, 2013

I love this commercial for … oh hell, don’t even know the name brand, I just like poots.