Archive for April, 2016

April 27 Trivia Rankings

April 27, 2016

It was a beautiful evening for trivia, Quizlings. Thanks to my Greg Fishel voodoo doll, the thunderstorms were kept at bay and we managed to get through five rounds of awesomeness, including one bonus round that deceptively had very little to do with Cher. But if I could turn back time,  I believe I might do things differently and make it all about Glen’s favorite dark lady. Sigh. If only I were strong enough.

Please vote for Tomato Jake’s for Trivia Night In Durham County in the Indyweek‘s Best Of The Triangle 2016 (in the Out & About category). Screen cap that balloting goodness and send it to me and I will reward you. Promise!

Meanwhile, if you’re interested in buying the X-Mansion, lemme know. I’ll go halfsies.

Now, here are this week’s trivia rankings. See you next time, Quizlings!

Sometimes It Snows In April 70
Woman Card, Your Order Is Ready 65
Prince For President – Still Better Than Anyone Who’s Running 64
Fear The Fiorina 63
Sam’s Back! 59
Let’s Go Crazy! 59
The Bathroom Signs 58
Chandler Bingo Was His Name-O! 57
The Team Formerly Known As Prince 55
Tanzaynia 53
I’ll Have The Twisted Curry 52
The Great Northern 51
Put Prince On The $20 Bill And Call It $19.99 48
Hillary says,”Love Trump#####” 47

People I Hate (#53 in a series)

April 24, 2016

Who: The picky kid who makes a “suicide.”

Why I Hate: He stands there at the soda fountain, spying all the possible options – caffeine-free, diet, off brand, raspberry, ginger ale – and wondering exactly what to put in his “suicide” mixture. He starts off, maybe, with a little Coca-Cola and then adds some Orange drink like Fanta or Sunkist. But what next? His tiny mind is reeling with possibilities, so he takes a stab at some other cola. Nope, false start. How about Coke Zero? Wait – isn’t that diet? Oh, yeah … Dr. Pepper! That rules. A little of that definitely.

And so it goes, on and on, a 32 ounce cup filled 3 ounces at a time with healthy pauses in between while he utilizes his still-developing cerebellum to make a bloody decision. And he thinks this ridiculous concoction (which he believes he’s the first person to discover) has a magic formula that if he can somehow just happen upon by trial and error his taste buds will achieve soda nirvana. But he’s mistaken. Normally, a soda “suicide” tastes like ass; at best, some crappy store brand. So what’s the point of making one besides silly childhood experimentation that could easily be accomplished by simply hitting each soda in turn, an act that takes 15 seconds tops!

How I Justify It: His indecision might be cute and adorable if he weren’t taking an unnecessarily long time to do a relatively simple task in a busy convenience store or restaurant, while the entire time I’M STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HIM WAITING MY TURN!!!! Move it along, you little snot. It’s only soda!

They Say It’s Your Earth Day!

April 22, 2016

Happy Earth Day! 

If you want to show the planet some love, THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE will be having its annual Earth Day Bonfire tonight at 8pm (EST). Looks to be a big one this year, so we’ve cut down a few redwoods to light up the night, which should make it pretty damn spectacular. And hey – if you have any old batteries or broken thermometers or anything you can’t recycle like that, bring ’em along and we’ll toss them on the bonfire. That should make for some pretty awesome fireworks!

Earth Day: Let’s love Mother Nature like Oedipus did his mom!

April 20 Trivia Rankings

April 20, 2016

Another great week of awesome trivia! Thanks to all you Quizlings who came to play, as always. Before we get to the rankings, here are some takeaways…

Watch Johnny Depp and Amber heard apologize – I’m sorry, “apologize” for smuggling canines into the Land of Oz…

Check the list of worst-rated movie actors over at Vox

And remember that not all late night comedy clowns are the same …


Now, here are the rankings for the week. How’d your team do?

I Bet You Have A Clever Team Name 67
7/11 – Never Forget 63
Everybody Loves Doris 63
Where In The World Is Kelly Ripa? 63
Love It Or Litigate It 62
Jean-Paul Sartre Died 36 Years Ago Today, So What? 55
If Trumps Succeeds, We’ll All Secede 54
4/20 – Happy Lima Bean Respect Day 54
It’s 5 After, We Need A Name 53
Grundle Checker 51
Our Drinking Team Has A Trivia Problem 50
Springsteen, Pearl Jam, Cirque Du Soleil – Will Sparky Be Next? 48
We Know Nothing, Jon Snow 48
Houston Yacht Club 47
OJ Did It 45
3 Bean Casserole 44
This May Be Shocking But – Sparky, Prom? 42
Is Tonight Special Brownie Night? 41
The Three Amigos 33


April 16, 2016

Five Produce Items That Sound Vaguely Dirty




Butternut Squash



Five Signs Your Tax Preparer Is An Idiot

When audited, pretends he can’t speak English

Thinks IRS is sexually transmitted

Got his degree on Craigslist

Let’s you deduct your Doctor Who DVDs as a medical expense

On your federal return, lists your occupation as “job”


Five Lesser Known New Elon Musk Inventions

A unicycle with two wheels

Superglue that doubles as a contraceptive

Can opener that cats can’t hear

A reverse turducken

An air guitar that actually plays music


Five Board Game Character Ailments

Gramma Nutt, Candyland – Diabetes

Lizzie Hippo, Hungry Hungry Hippos – Bulimia

Rich Uncle Pennybags, Monopoly – Gout

Cavity Sam, Operation – Hypochondria

Colonel Mustard, Clue – Herpes (contracted in a library tryst with Miss Scarlet)


Five Odd Relationship Dealbreakers

She doesn’t know Esperanto

He bathes like a cat

His wardrobe consists exclusively of concert tees and jorts

During sex, she insists you wear an Alex Trebek mask and only answer in the form of a question

You say “to-MAH-toh” and he says, “Why the hell are you talking like that?”

April 13 Trivia Rankings

April 13, 2016

More trivia fun again this week, Quizlings! Thanks to everyone who came to play (even those who got there late, Casey).

If you missed it, we met some TV neighbors, laughed at the human brain and learned Sparky knows nothing about alcohol (it’s true). Also – ice cream may be in our future.

Now, here are the team rankings for the week…

Kobe Retires, LA Yawns 68
Positronic Dream Team 67
People Are Sitting Outside – Where’s My Ice Cream? 67
Finding Inky 65
A Good Walk Spoiled 65
Down From Philly For A Night With Sparky 64
The Quizlings Strike Back 62
Death, Taxes and Trivia 61
Alfred Butts Club 59
Kobe Wan Kenobi 59
Ban Pre-shredded Cheese – Make America Grate Again! 59
4 The Team Name 59
Shoot! 53
Barack Paper Scissors 52
The Periodic Table Dancers 44
Our Casey Is Always Late (Again) 38 (joined late)
The HB2 Bombers 33

Med Men

April 12, 2016

When I was in my early 20s I went to a new doctor for an exam. During the physical, he asked me if I was “regular” but I didn’t know what that meant. I’d heard the term before but I thought he was asking me if I was gay or straight. This kind of bothered me since I felt that inquiring of my sexuality was crossing a line and not particularly relevant to me health. Still, I told him reluctantly that I thought I was regular enough. He then followed with, “How many times a day would you say? One? Two?” I was, of course, really thrown by this one but returned with a tentative, “Gosh, no. Maybe once every few months, if I’m lucky.” The doctor looked at me, shocked, and then wrote me a prescription for the biggest dose of laxative I’d wager any human ever ingested. Man, I was nearly torn inside out by that stuff.

Learned my lesson though: always lie to your physician.

Due Credit

April 9, 2016

All in all, I’m a pretty compassionate guy. I care. About people, animals, the planet. I can empathize and sympathize with the best of ‘em. But the one area in which I fall so excruciatingly short is this:

I don’t give a damn about your production babies.

Production babies. They’re listed in the credits of some movies, usually near the end, as evidence of the commitment and sacrifice of the crew and actors and production staff. They are credited as a tip of the hat to the exhaustive hours spent of the soundstage, in the editing room, under hot lights and in studio meetings. And I don’t give a bloody damn about a single one of them.

Don’t get me wrong. As human beings, production babies are fine; no issue there. I don’t mind them being born and nursing and pooping and opening boutiques or whatever else newborns do (I’m not an expert on infant behavior). My lack of interest simply pertains to the screen time taken up by this superfluous listing. I mean, I sit there (one of the few cinemagoers who takes the time to watch the credits in earnest) and I have to sit through every single person who pushed a pixel and duct taped an X on the floor … I just don’t think it’s either necessary or important to list each wee sprog that was crapped out between the time the screenwriter downloaded Final Draft and the director walked the red carpet. You take anything that lasts a more than moderate amount of time and babies will be born. It’s not an accomplishment any more so than the number of people who got divorced or purchased a new car. It’s a mere exercise in vanity, a feel-good pat on the back that is perfectly appropriate for your wrap party but a waste of time in the closing credits.

So stop it with the production baby credits. I don’t wanna see their names rolling up the screen unless they actually worked as gaffers or key grips.

April 6 Trivia Rankings

April 6, 2016

Thanks to the Quizlings who came out to play this week. But there were a lot of missing faces. (By that, I mean some regulars were not there – not that those who were there had been in some horrific accident which ripped their faces off. Sorry if that was confusing.)

Several interesting occurrences this time out – the Top Three were the same as last week and in the same order. Plus – no teams tied at all this week. That so rarely happens.

Now, read up on the 2016 Class of the Basketball Hall of Fame, say goodbye to the voice of Admiral Ackbar and count the number of Kevin Gates’ phones…

Now, here are the team rankings for the week. See you all next time!

#ASSLaw 68
First Daryl, Now Merle 66
Durham Bulls Opening Day Thursday 65
Turns Out That Butler Didn’t Do It But Villanova Did 63
We’re Trippin’: Another Year Of Grayson 61
It’s Day Wednesday 60
Queen Of Clubs 58
HMS Pinafore At The Carolina Theatre 56
Bacon Is Not A Color 52
This Weather Is Bi-Polar 51
My Favorite Color Is Bacon 50
4.7 Seconds Of Happiness 47


April 6, 2016

On my thirteenth birthday, my cousin Ginny gave me a fake ID. Not so I could buy beer – so I could see R-rated movies. I had wanted to see Children of the Corn pretty damn bad but my dad wouldn’t take me. So my best friend Roland Bridger and I went to the Cardinal Theater and I flashed my new ID. They sold me a ticket but wouldn’t let Roland buy one because he was under 17 and didn’t have a fake ID. I tried to convince them he was my son but, of course, they didn’t believe me. I then tried to sneak him in one of the exits but we got caught and banned for life. The Cardinal closed down shortly thereafter. Still. I have yet to see Children of the Corn. And I never will, just on principle.