Archive for June, 2007

Stuff Said

June 29, 2007

Stan Lee, the Father of Modern Comics, ponders what makes superhero movies work. And what doesn’t.

Click HERE, true believers, for the amazing, fantabulous, world-shattering FULL STORY!  Excelsior!

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Cur-ious

June 29, 2007

There … are … no … words …

http://www.scaryideas.com/print/2889/

Ad Nauseum

June 29, 2007

Let’s be fair. While a necessary evil, commercials can sometimes be fun. Many are creative, some are intriguing, a few amazingly mind blowing. They can provoke nostalgia, inspire imagination and inform.

But most suck. Suck electric eggs.

That’s why Maxim Online has compiled THE CRAPPIEST COMMERCIALS EVER.

Check out these festering stink piles of raw commercialism … if you dare.

(And remember that this is Maxim, so some images – while not strictly mature – may not seem the most professional if viewed over your shoulder by an officemate standing behind you in your cubicle.)

Ann of Mean Labels

June 28, 2007

Haven’t we had enough of Ann Coulter?  Seriously.  I think we have.  So let’s end this madness now.  We can put her down very humanely.  Just like going to sleep.  Peaceful.  It really would be for the best.  She’s lived a full life.  She’s what, like 45?  That’s 193 in dog years.  It’s time. 

It’s long past time.

Say You’ll Be There

June 28, 2007

Oh yeah. 

The Spice Girls are touring.

Life is good again.

Prime Suspect

June 28, 2007

I’m driving down the Interstate the other night. It’s late, probably around midnight. There’s not a lot of traffic on the road but enough that I’m not surprised to see headlights in my rearview mirror. But suddenly the lights looming up behind me seem more than just your normal car or SUV. They’re large, bright, getting even larger as they approach. It’s a truck, a big tractor-trailer, bearing down on me pretty darn fast. A big truck! Coming to get me!

And then it hits me: IT’S OPTIMUS PRIME!!!  He’s coming to get me!  Aaaaaaggghhhhh!!!!

Damn. I guess I’ve seen that Transformers trailer one too many times.

Sparky MacMillan’s lame. His hair goes straight up and he’s bloody stupid.

Slow Boil For China

June 27, 2007

In case you haven’t been connecting the dots, China has been messing us about a lot lately.  First, there was that recalled pet food incident.  The problem originated at a Chinese factory.  Then there was a similar problem with tainted toothpaste.  China again.  Next some Thomas the Tank Engine toys had lead paint on them.  Gues where they were manufactured? And now these tires that make us long for the days when Bridgestone/Firestone were the worst of the lot.  What gives?  It’s like the whole dang country has ganged up on us and decided to send us the crap that’s not good enough for anybody else!  Why?  Jealousy perhaps.  Who knows? 

Nonetheless, they did it and we’re left with egg foo young on our faces.  But don’t get mad, I say, get even madder!  Revenge is a dish best served cold.  With steamed rice and pickled vegetables. 

So, if you’re with me, join in the crusade to regain face.  Here are twenty-five fun and easy ways to get back at the Chinese. 

1. Rig Academy Award voting so that Ang Lee never wins an Oscar.  Okay, another Oscar then. 

2. Replace Mao’s Little Red Book with Mao’s Little Black Book. 

3. Class action suit for this whole finger cuffs embarrassment. 

4. Use paper plates when guests come over instead of the good china. 

5. Four billion individual prank phone calls. 

6. Stop using fireworks. 

7. Make them watch Madonna’s movie Shanghai Surprise. 

8. Have a torrid affair with actress Zhang Ziyi.  Although this won’t adversely affect the nation of China that much, it will certainly take MY mind off the problems! 

9. Insist that with five – not six – you should get egg roll. 

10. Change the name of that car rearrangement thing to “Japanese Fire Drill” just to spite them. 

11. Have our grizzly and polar bears mate with their pandas to water down the racial purity. 

12. Reveal Sun Tzu for the plagiarizing charlatan he really is. 

13. Make millions of fake Ming vases and release them to art dealers and antiquities traders until the bottom drops out of the whole blasted market! 

14. Let them know once and for all that our American checkers is far superior to their lame marble game. 

15. Tattoo American words like “sphincter” and “flaccid” onto their arms and lower backs and shoulders and tell them that they mean really cool things like “strength” and “beauty.”  

16. Eat more Indian cuisine. 

17. Start spending more time with Taiwan to make China jealous. 

18. Stop crying when reading The Joy Luck Club.

19. Tell them their wall ain’t so damn great. 

20. Threaten to send Nixon back. 

21. Smash all their little ping pong balls. 

22. Pants ’em.  The whole dang lot of them. 

23. When reading fortune cookies, replace two word joke addendum “in bed” to “in yo mama’s bed!” 

24. Reveal to the world that their “ancient secret” is really nothing more than a laundry detergent. 

25. Put pee pee in THEIR Coke for a change!

what you wanna do?

June 26, 2007

winehouse.jpg

Okay, I’ll say it. Amy Winehouse scares me.

I don’t know why. Maybe it’s all the tattoos. The harsh sound. The brash exterior. I’m sure she shouldn’t but she does. I sometimes can’t sleep at night because I see her face when I close my eyes … and it’s not the good kind of seeing her face when I close my eyes like when it’s Tina Fey or that chick from Veronica Mars.

I’ll say it again. Amy Winehouse scares me. I think she may be part Klingon.

Sparky MacMillan’s got a mighty convoy rockin’ thru the night.

Cover Me

June 25, 2007

It’s a rite of passage for every band: cover someone else’s song. But for every Jimi Hendrix All Along the Watchtower, you get a hundred Shatners singing Rocket Man.

Well. If you’re in the mood to wallow in the shallow end, check out the retroCRUSH ranking of 100 WORST COVER SONGS.  Again, love me a list, but this one gets my dander up when they knock both Natalie Merchant and Vanilla Fudge on the first page!  Nonetheless, check this out for the unlistenable (Jim Carrey: I Am The Walrus), the inexplicable (The Odd Couple: You’re So Vain) and the outright bizarre (Gene Simmons: When You Wish Upon A Star).  Plus any list that begins with Bill Cosby singing the Beatles … you just gotta laugh.

retroCRUSH’s 100 WORST COVER SONGS

And You Smell Like One Too

June 24, 2007

Went to Baskin Robbins once for my birthday. Only it wasn’t really my birthday. And it wasn’t really a Baskin Robbins. It was a cardboard box in the back yard and I think it was an Arbor Day.

I was an only child.  Can you tell?