Archive for February, 2017

The Oval Offal

February 20, 2017

It’s President’s Day. (Or is that Presidents Day? Maybe Presidents’ Day?) That’s why we here at THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE thought it a perfect opportunity to look back and reflect on those men who held the highest office in our land. What should you, as an American citizen, know about them? The important, salient points? The stuff Ken Jennings knows? Easy. Here it is, the four-one-one on the men who wouldn’t be king.

George Washington. First president. Wooden teeth. Chopped down a cherry tree. Once did it with Betsy Ross on an early version of Old Glory.

John Adams. Federalist. First President to occupy the White House. Had a fetish for powdered wigs.

Thomas Jefferson. Wrote the Declaration of Independence. Acquired the Louisiana Territory from Napoleon. Dispatched Lewis and Clark. Came down with Jungle Fever.

James Madison. Started the War of 1812 so that Johnny Horton could have a career in 1959.

James Monroe. Remembered for the Missouri Compromise, which admitted Missouri to the Union as a slave state, pairing it with Maine, a free state, and barring slavery north and west of Missouri forever. Oh, and he was remembered for the Monroe Doctrine, which states – um, never mind, just remember him for the Missouri Compromise. (more…)

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

February 18, 2017

There was a time when people hated other people for thing like their beliefs and the color of their skin… but we’ve, of course, evolved beyond all that silliness.

Nonetheless, I thought it a good time to relive a Tom Lehrer favorite here as he sings about National Brotherhood Week. If the references seem a wee bit dated, please understand the song was first performed over 50 years ago. (Yes, people were funny even way back then.)

February 15 Trivia Rankings

February 16, 2017

Best In The Triangle nominations are up and running. Please take a moment to nominate Tomato Jake’s for Best Trivia Night in Durham County. Go to indyweek.com and click on the banner at the top right. Follow the instructions and show us some love, please.

Thanks to all those who came out to play this week. The rest of you were missed. Don’t stay away too long, okay? I love all my Quizlings but I think I love the regulars a little bit more.

We sprung forward, made cereal talk and translated French fairy tales. Oh and there was a bloke that broke the plaster ceiling at American Girl…

americangirl

Now here are the week’s rankings…

Roses Are Red, Ah, Who Gives A Crap 70
Dear Canada, Can We Trade? 67
Moana Goes To Guantanamo 66
Spice Up Your Wardrobe At Nordstrom 66
Any Name That Will Win Us Candy Except For Zagnuts 65
SCROTUS, So-Called Ruler Of The US 63
Tip Of The Iceberg 59
Cupid’s Broken Arrow 58
Every Parking Space Is A Pull Through If You Try Hard Enough  58
You’re A Quizard, Harry 54
Hello. It’s Me 46
Guerras 45

 

Stupid Cupid

February 13, 2017

It’s still not too late to send some UNFORTUNATE VALENTINE’S DAY CARDS!

ONE … TWO … CHA CHA CHA

February 10, 2017

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” – George Bernard Shaw

As a matter of fact, Uncle Stanley did just that at a family reunion once. 

He wasn’t well. 

And he’s been locked up for a long time now.

February 8 Trivia Rankings

February 9, 2017

What a lovely night for trivia, Quizlings. Feels like spring is here and we’ll be sitting outside before we know it – of course, as long as the weather cooperates [Sparky sticks another pin in his Greg Fishel voodoo doll].

What did we learn this week? Scott Bakula did not star in a plural TV show, Sudoku math is not that hard and Milo Ventimiglia is hot (although we may already have known that last one). Plus there was this morsel of tastiness…

zagnut-2

Now here are this week’s trivia rankings…

We Came Here To Eat Pizza and Win Trivia – And We’re All Out Of Pizza 68
From Deflategate To Jerseygate 66
DeVos Stated We Don’t Have Enough $ To Be Education Secretary 61
Radical Moose Lambs 60
We Will Not Be Deturd 60
We Can’t Come Up With A Team Name 59
Alternative Fact: We Always Win 58
Trump Wants That Easy D 57
Cam’s Best Super Bowl Performance 55
RIP Boiled Water – You Will Be Mist 54
Big Mistake, Yuge 48
It’s Been 2 Years 47
I’m With Cupid (arrow) 47
The Prodigal Team 46
Grizzlies For The 2nd Amendment 45
Setting My Phone To Falcon’s Mode … No Ring 36
Multiple Scoregasms 34
The Future 26

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Superhero Edition)

February 7, 2017

Five Batman Mistakes

Not getting over the death of his parents

Underestimating Bane

Not adopting Dick Grayson

Nipples on the Clooney Batsuit

Everything Adam West

 

Five Really Lame But Kinda Useful Superpowers

Ability to keep Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia from melting (once it’s been scooped into a bowl only)

Power to keep dogs from defecating on your lawn by emitting powerful pheromone that alerts canines to your dominance

Can tell the age of a wine by listening to it being poured

Cablekinesis (can turn Time-Warner DVR on & off from across the room without a remote)

Talent to detect what a person ate by sniffing their passed gas

 

Five Rejected Avengers

Iron Manwich

Captain America Ferrara

Hawkeye Pierce, MD

The Black Window

Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELDS & YARNELL

 

Five Comic Book Sound Effects I Recently Read

ZZZZXXXXXXTT

KSHHHRHH

POKA-POKA-POKA-POKA!

PAFT

FABOOM

 

Five Spider-Man Complaints

Web shooters run out of fluid at inconvenient times

People think spiders are insects

Reporters forget to hyphenate name

Sweaty mask = oily T-Zone

Mary Jane rarely lets him “hit the jackpot” anymore

A Cock And Bull Story

February 3, 2017

When I was really, really young, like around 3 or 4 years old, I wanted to be a rooster. People would say, “What do you want be when you grow up?” And I’d say, “A rooster! Cock-a-doodle-do!” Some might think that this was all some great big Freudian mess, but it really was nothing more than I liked the sign at the old Colonial Grocery Store near our house. The mascot was a stylized rooster and it was all brightly lit up at night atop the store’s façade. No great mystery. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop Matt Feldspar from using it as the basis for an embarrassing verbal assault all throughout high school when, thinking it might be an endearing personal tidbit, I mistakenly revealed it during a “get to know me” exercise in Sophomore World Civ. It’s not that I’d led a sheltered life, but I’ll be damned if I knew there were that many slang terms for the male anatomy and that each one could be so effectively woven into an eager bully’s repertoire.

cs-logo

Young Sparky’s Future Shame

February 1 Trivia Rankings

February 2, 2017

Disorganization aside, it was a fun night of trivia, Quizlings. At least, I hope you had fun. We learned about rich dudes, famous deaths and trendy French. I could tell you more but Winona’s face says it all…

Now, here are this week’s team rankings…

There Are More Black People Inside Beyonce Than In Trump’s Cabinet 70
Where’s The Bacon? 62
Winona’s Face Sums Up 2017 62
Sexy Piccolo Players 61
3 Years: 11 Months: 2 Weeks: 4 Days 60
I Thought This Was Speed Dating 59
Awkward Turtles 58
I Shih Tzu Not 58
Is Anybody Here A Marine Biologist? 57
Humpty Trumpty Fell Off The Wall 56
Nowhere To Go But Down From Here 56
Drowning In The Tears Of Senator Schumer 56
The Incredibles 51
Girl Power + Dylan 51
Hey, You Guys! 49
The Degenerate Distribution 45
Pun Stars 33
Taking Bets On Puppies 31
Better Late Than Pregnant 28