When I was about 9 or 10 I was obsessed with how cartoon characters wore the same clothes every episode so I had my mom get me five identical shirts and five identical pairs of pants so I could wear the same thing to school every day for a week. Looking back, I’m sure the other kids just thought we didn’t do laundry very often.
Archive for May, 2010
“If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” — Brooke Shields
Shhhh! If you’re real quiet, you can hear the wind blowing through her cranium!
I was going through some storage boxes in the back closet earlier and I found my old retainer and headgear and a couple of pairs of those Coke-bottle-lens glasses I wore back in junior high school (hell, I thought they were novelty specs for a second) and I was suddenly transported back to teenage years so awkward the geeks in chess club who played D&D and ran their rock tumblers nonstop could hold their heads high, secure in the knowledge that at least they weren’t me.
It’s a holiday weekend so let’s unwind with a few web sites to waste some time. As opposed to timing some waste, which sounds like something frat pledges would have to do.
We’ll start off with THE 10 COOLEST CARTOON CHICKS IN TV HISTORY. If number 10 is Cheetara, you gotta wonder how cool number one is!
If chicks aren’t your thing (you know who you are), peruse THE 40 BEST CARTOON CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME. Personal gripe that Pinky & the Brain weren’t in the Top Ten but a worthy list nonetheless.
While not exactly a cartoon but scarily close, 30Rock‘s Tracy Jordan says a lot of bizarre things. See an amazing load of them at EVERYTHING TRACY JORDAN SAID SEASON 4. “Wade Boggs Carpet World. Wade Boggs Carpet World. Wade Boggs Carpet World.”
Then enjoy THE 25 MOST EPIC ADS THAT AREN’T 1984. Where the hell’s my #$%ing singing bunny?!
Next, it’s a holdover from Earth Day but still interesting and pertinent, so check out THE GREATEST NATURE PHOTOGRAPHS OF ALL TIME. Actually, it’s pretty damn awe-inspiring.
Finally, wrap things up with Spin magazine’s 125 BEST ALBUMS OF THE PAST 25 YEARS. Agree or disagree, you’ll definitely be humming a few of these ditties when you’re done. Except for maybe the Hole songs.
Have a great Memorial Day, folks!
Move over, Skittles! Cadbury UK’s hot on your heels with wacky adverts involving candy. The premise, if I may infer, is “what if a chocolate bar were your roommate?” The answer? Awesomeness, pure awesomeness.
Now that BP has started the Top Kill portion of its Enviro-Screw World Tour 2010, we are forced to ask ourselves, “What happens when this inevitably does not work?” They tried Top Hat, which was essentially dropping a fancy chapeau on top of the spewing geyser of oil. Top Kill, the natural extension of engineering minds left to ponder the imponderable, has to do with clogging up the undersea eyesore with mud and cement. Once this fails, BP will no doubt employ the Top Dog effort, which drops a very large pit bull strapped to an aqualung into the ocean in hopes the canine will bury the well remnants like a bone at the bottom of the sea. When Top Dog goes the way of the dodo, Top Chef will bring in a variety of celebrity culinary experts and ask them to cook up something using tar balls. That will, of course, not do a damn thing, so I’m thinking Top Gear will be up next in which an insane British hooligan will drive an expensive automobile directly into the oil leak – with predictably disastrous results. Top 40 is next in line as broadcast legend Casey Kasem will deliver a profanity-laden diatribe towards the seabottom spewer (“Boy, is this effing ponderous man … ponderous, effing ponderous!”) to find that oil is pretty much immune to scorn and derision. Leading BP to their laughable Top Model strategy, a ploy which involves Tyra Banks in swimwear at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico. This is thankfully the best place for Ms. Banks but unfortunately does nothing to impede the flow of unwanted oil. Top Cat is next (T.C. to his friends) but since comic actor Arnold Stang passed away late last year, Top Cat now has no voice. Flattop, the old Dick Tracy villain, can be rolled out to help matters but he’s only out for himself and probably wouldn’t help. That leaves only Topsy-Turvy, a 1999 musical drama film about the creation of Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Mikado in 1884 and 1885, which as, you can well imagine, has about as much effect on 5,000 gallons of madly rushing oil as any of the other stupid, bloody strategies BP has brought to bear.
Next thing you know it’ll be 2025 and the world’s oceans will be 82% crude oil and we’ll long for the days when quaintly named schemes that would make Wile E. Coyote laugh his arse off were at least there to give us that wonderfully deceptive false hope!
Another sleepless night. Can’t snooze, mind won’t shut off, eyes wide open, lying there in the dark.
And what was the reason for my latest bout of insomnia? The oil spill in the gulf? Korean war tensions? Floods in China? Bees in Minnesota? Plane crashes in India? The Fergie payola scam?
Nope, none of the above.
No, I was drifting off to sleep when suddenly I was jerked awake by a single thought that so gripped my consciousness it could not, would not, be shaken loose. And there that thought remained and the more I mulled it over the less sense it made:
There was a sequel to Legally Blonde! And a freakin’ stage musical! How the hell – ?!
I mean, honestly! With such mindless, pointless acts occurring on a daily basis in the universe how the bloody blue blazes could I sleep?
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” – George Bernard Shaw
As a matter of fact, Uncle Stanley did just that at a family reunion once.
He wasn’t well.
And he’s been locked up for a long time now.
Tomorrow’s the day. The End. Well, the last episode of Lost, that is (which is titled The End as a matter of fact). I’m looking forward to it with equal parts excitement and dread. I’m sure it will be worthy of the wait and my time and my hope (tho’ not all questions will be answered, I’m certain) but what will I do next week, next month, next year when there is no more Lost? Remember fondly. Sigh.
So in prep for Sunday night’s finale, here are some Lost links to keep you occupied:
First, MediaFreak delves into Six Seasons of ABC’s Lost — By the Numbers. It’s fitting since numbers have been an integral part of the series … unlike the series Numb3rs which has only been an integral part of Rob Morrow’s résumé.
Meanwhile, Lost fan Jimmy Kimmel has cobbled together This Week in Unnecessary Censorship – LOST Edition. How can something that’s bleeped be NSFW? Sometimes what you don’t hear is dirtier than what’s actually said.
Lastly, coping without will be easier when you check out The Loss of Lost: A Grieving Fan’s Guide. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance – yeah, that’ll work.
So grab your Apollo bars and Dharma beer and settle in for television history. Even if the show ends with Jack walking in on Locke in an easy chair and Hurley staring into a snow globe, I’ll still feel the amazing journey was worth it!
Five Great Bruce Campbell Roles
Ash, Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, Army of Darkness
Elvis Presley, Bubba Ho-Tep
Himself, My Name Is Bruce
Roland the Intrepid Explorer, The Majestic
Sam Axe, Burn Notice
Five Cool Songs About Fire
Fire by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown
Burnin’ Down the House by Talking Heads
Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple
Fire on the Mountain by The Marshall Tucker Band
Wildfire by Michael Martin Murphey
Five Lame Vitamins
Vitamin L – used to strengthen moles, scabs and chancres
Vitamin S – found in lizard gonads, can make voice sound like a chipmunk
Vitamin R – a lipid theorized to exist only in space; good for space sickeness
Vitamin X – one must consume 10,000 muffins to ingest one microgram but once you ingest a pound of it you get x-ray vision
King Vitamin – his cereal sucked
Five Favorite Kids in the Hall Lines
“You chose a child molester’s jam!”
“Once upon a time… there was this… eel-monkey… and he had himself… a bollum head.”
“Well, I’m sure the Great Leader is just some sort of twisted ass freak!”
“It was Citizen Kane! IT WAS CITIZEN KANE!!”
“OK, I’ll eat your Bible. But it’ll cost you a lot and take me several days of lunching and snacking.”
Five Desserts That Could Be Stripper Names
Sparky MacMillan is the number one fan of the man from Tennessee.