Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Tales From My Screwed-Up Childhood #53

December 7, 2018

When I was a little kid, I got one of those canned cows for my birthday. You know – little can that when you turn it over it moos. Scared the hell out of me. Thought someone had actually stuffed a live cow in there. I think that’s why I’m a vegetarian now.moocan

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Poppin’ Fresh!

November 27, 2018

I think it was back in 1986. Me and my man Orville Redenbacher were hanging out at Knott’s Berry Farm (Camp Snoopy, if I remember correctly) and these punks tried to cut in line for the Timberline Twister. Turns out it was Bartles & Jaymes. Of course, O-Red (as I called him) was about to bust a gasket, since he and B&J had been nemeses ever since the trio had had a falling out over Betty Grable at a USO dance in ’42. So we set about to rumble, right there and then. Orville pulled out his switchblade and I got my crossbow but the wine cooler boys were packin’ some serious heat and so Orville and I cut our losses and made a beeline for the safety of Fiesta Village, where we ate sno-cones and corn dogs until our tummies hurt.

We kinda lost touch after that, he and I. But to this day I can never enjoy a bag of Orville Redenbacher SmartPop! Butter without smelling his old man aftershave mingled with the aroma of cotton candy and fear sweat.

Today would have been his 100th birthday. I still miss you, old friend.

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Generation Gape

November 24, 2018

I think, as you get older, the predisposition to find the younger generations so bloody annoying is so that when they leave you out on that ice floe to die it’ll feel like a damn blessing!

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Thanksgiving Edition)

November 19, 2018

 

Five Regrettable Macy’s Parade Balloons

Hitler’s Moustache – 1937

Rob Lowe Dancing with Snow White – 1989

Occupy Wall Street – 2012

Nixon with a metal detector – 1973

Brian Dunkelman – 2002

 

Five Little Known Thanksgiving Traditions

Gravy dancing

Tryptophantasy football

Turducken chuckin’

Stuffing the second cousin

The pardoning of the yams

 

Five Pilgrim Complaints

That boat was really cramped.

The New World smells like ass.

Those #@&% posers in Jamestown.

Buckle hats are soooo 1618!

Squanto and Myles Standish should just get a room, already!

 

Five Pie Injuries

Hot cobbler blisters

Crust in the eye

Sprained meringue

A la mode on the knee

Carpal tunnel rhubarb

 

Five Broadway Musicals for Turkeys

The Best Little Henhouse In Texas

A Chorus Brine

Joseph and the Technicolor Butterball

Kinky Snoods

Giblets Over Broadway

 

Let The Turkeys Get You Down

November 16, 2018

So … we’ve received all the relatives’ dietary restrictions and I think it’s safe to say that this will be the best gluten-free, carb-free, nut-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, low-fat, low-sulfur, low-protein, low-sodium, kosher, halal, paleo, macrobiotic, vegetarian Thanksgiving ever!

Pika the Week

November 13, 2018

Oh. My. God. I want to Fandango this sumbitch so badly right now. Seriously, I’m burning vacation days to see this one as soon as it opens. I may start camping out now.

Wurst Week

November 10, 2018

When I was seven, my birthday party was held at a restaurant called the Wiener King. They roped off an area for us kids and had hot dog shaped balloons and a hot dog shaped cake and banana splits with red bananas to make them look like hot dogs. We got hot dogs for lunch and even played “pin the wiener on the bun.”

Man, that was some seriously messed up Freudian shit.

WienerKing

Food, Folks and Funeral

November 5, 2018

In a shocker that stunned the QSR world, fast food pitchman Ronald McDonald was found dead in his McDonaldland home late last week. The burger clown died of a massive heart attack brought on by decades of fatty, greasy, caloric food, including Quarter Pounders, McNuggets and Hot Apple Pies – just as the McDonald’s corporation celebrates the 50th anniversary of the Big Mac.

“He appeared to be in peak condition,” said longtime companion Grimace, through tears. “But appearances were obviously deceiving … like that runner, Jim Fixx, who dropped dead while jogging back in the ’80s. Just tragic.”

Doctor Hiram Snavely, renowned medico to such fast food luminaries as Wendy, Chuck E. Cheese and Gilbert Giddyup, noted that such a demise is not uncommon within the ranks of restaurant mascots. “The Colonel? Salmonella. The Chihuahua? Dehydration due to Montezuma’s Revenge. Big Boy? Coronary artery disease at age 17. They are what they eat and all the fruit and walnut salads in the world cannot make up for a lifetime of crap,” he said. “Just watch ‘Supersize Me’ some time.”

But chastisement and blame aside, those on the inside seem completely aware of their plight. Former pizza frontman, The Noid, now serving a lifetime sentence for fraud and embezzlement, noted, “We are nothing but indentured servants, held fast by the need for stardom and the addiction to the poison they feed us. We know our lives are worthless and that we’ll end up in an early grave – or worse, a living Hell.”

Meanwhile, a community mourns and comes together to bury its most revered and respected. The funeral will be held Wednesday during the lunchtime rush at McDonald’s Playplace. Services will be presided over by Reverend McCheese (recently ordained through the Internet). Ronald McDonald will be buried in a special McDLT coffin to keep the hot side hot and the cool side cool.

The Worst Noel

November 3, 2018

A local radio station has started playing Christmas music. Not just peppering their playlist with the occasional yule tune. No. All-Christmas! ALL THE BLOODY TIME! A mere handful of days after Halloween.

They claim that listeners demanded it. Apparently people wanted to hear I’ll Be Home For Christmas and Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer 7 million times between now and the New Year until their damn eyes bled!

Now don’t get all defensive and call me Scrooge or anything, I enjoy the odd seasonal ditty as much as the next dude. The Kinks’ Father Christmas and the Waitresses’ Christmas Wrapping are musts on my turntable when the nog flows freely. But c’mon! Seriously! TWO MONTHS of non-stop Christmas music? Personally, I think even Jesus would snap after hearing Feliz Navidad for the twelfth time in  three days.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Halloween Edition)

October 30, 2018

 

Five Ways To Make Trick or Treaters Love You

Let kids grab as much candy as they want

Give out full sized candy bars

Cover house with Halloween decorations & play scary music

Give out eggs and directions to your enemies’ houses

Have hot mom in low-cut costume bend over when handing out candy

 

Five Costume Mash-up Ideas

Jennifer Lawrence of Arabia

Grumpy Cat in the Hat

Iron Manilow

Smokey Bear Grylls

Jay Cutler and Silent Bob Costas

 

Five Unfortunate Halloween Activities

Making mummy costumes out of toilet paper

Refilling the carved pumpkins

Having kids trade in their candy for hugs from a stranger

Bobbing for retainers

Eating Count Chocula alone in the dark and crying

 

Five Bad Halloween Experiences

Rain, couldn’t go trick or treating – 6th grade

Bullies stole my candy – 2nd grade

Egged ex’s house & got caught by her drill sergeant dad – senior year

Sliced finger off carving pumpkin – 9th grade

Neighborhood kids mocked my Hello Kitty costume – last year

 

Five Bad Ideas For Horror Movies

Jason Vorhees opens B&B with life partner Chad

Angsty teen vampires

…and on the door was a bloody hoop!

The zombies are a metaphor for … ah, really, who gives a crap?

Young girl possessed by Santana