Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Broadcasting Recall

September 24, 2017

It was 1954, television’s golden age, and I was working as assistant to the lead property master at the now-defunct Dumont network. Aside from Captain Video and Studio 57, our main project was a fledgling game show called Blow Out The Candles. The premise was pretty elementary: three contestants vied for the chance to have their very own birthday party, complete with cake and ice cream. The questions were pretty simplistic (“Who created the cartoon character Mickey Mouse?”), but it was a bona fide hit for three weeks during the summer. 

One night, however, the lead prop guy, Buster “Crabby” Stunton, got stinkin’ blind drunk and fell onto the birthday cake we were gonna use in the prize sequence. Well, we didn’t have any others baked and the studio chef had already clocked out for the day and all nearby bakeries were closed. So, we made up our own, a “faux” cake, out of plywood and caulk and painted it with white chrome matte. It looked beautiful and no one would have been the wiser had not the emcee, on a spur of the moment lark, tried to take a bite right out of the upper tier. He broke two teeth. On live television.

Crabby and I got our heads handed to us by the producers and we never worked network television again. Last I heard, Crabby lived in a tent Phoenix where he spends his days taking pot shots at iguana with a pellet gun. Compared to my lot, that’s a bloody paradise.

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Shapes of Things

September 22, 2017

vwbeetle

On my first day of kindergarten, I walked into class and they gave me a shape cut out of construction paper. All the kids got one and we had to match it up with the same shape and same color on the back of a chair – that would then be our chair for the year. Well, most of the kids got simple shapes like circles, triangles, squares, maybe an octagon or star. But me? Me, they gave a Volkswagen. Yeah, a construction paper cutout of a VW Beetle. I had started kindergarten a year early because I was precocious so here I was – this 4-year-old kid walking around, trying to match up a complicated shape like a Volkswagen. I looked all over but couldn’t find it and went back to the teacher, crying, “I don’t have a chair!” Seriously, I thought I was gonna have to stand up for the entire year. You’d think that would have scarred me for learning for life but I then went on to be the best student in that damn kindergarten class. Unfortunately, when I graduated, I was too young to start first grade and had to go back to that same kindergarten again the next year. They gave me a circle.

Party Animal

September 16, 2017

On a dare, I once put a whole birthday cake in a blender and made a smoothie out of it, candles and all. Drank every last bit of it. I got sick and threw up into the piñata. Boy, were those kids surprised when they beat that papier-mâché donkey and vomit came spewing out.

Needless to say, I was fired from that Chuck E. Cheese shortly thereafter.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

September 10, 2017

Five Signs You’re Addicted To Pokémon

When ordering at the drive thru, you say things like “Quarter Pounder with Cheese, I choose you!”

Your Squirtle-shaped swimming pool

Your résumé lists Team Rocket as a reference

The Pikachu tattoo on your ass

Number of Pokémon tournaments you’ve entered – 65 / Number of dates you’ve had – 0

 

Five Reasons To Have Kids

Someone to look after you in your dotage

Irreponsable about birth control

Cheap labor

Need an excuse to drive a mini-van

To sit next to non-breeders in restaurants and annoy the hell out of them

 

Five Nicknames for Your Hand

High-Five Fanatic

The Glove Stuffer

Marvin

Clap Happy

The Back-up Girlfriend

 

Five Hanna-Barbera Characters I Think Are Jerkwads

Precious Pupp

Yankee Doodle Pigeon

The Great Gazoo

Ranger Smith

Shazzan

 

Five Deadly Snack Crackers

Goldfission Bomb

Wheatabullets

The Nekotomicon

Lance

Ginger Snaps-Your-Neck-Without-A-Second-Thought

By The Power Of Jennifer Greyskull!

September 7, 2017

I’m not sure what they’re selling but man oh man these Masters of the Universe can sure as hell boogie.

Yowza! I’ve just had the time of my life!

Cruller Fate

September 5, 2017

I was driving through Chapel Hill yesterday and I saw an older gentleman jogging. He appeared to be in his sixties and he was making his way slowly but steadily, huffing and puffing along a sidewalk. When I first saw him, I thought, “Good on you, mate! Way to keep it active in your senior years.” Then as I got nearer to the sexagenarian jogger I noticed the striking expression on his face – nothing but agony and misery. My kudos quickly turned to something along the lines of “poor bastard.” But I drove on and not ten seconds later passed a Dunkin Donuts where I spied a similarly aged man sitting outside the establishment eating a pastry. The look on his face? Pure joy. Unadulterated bliss.

So what did I learn from this unexpected but ever so appropriate juxtaposition? One man’s pain is another’s pleasure? Make the most of your retiring years? Enjoy every second? Good health is worth the effort? Nope, nothing so insightful. The lesson is simply this: Donuts is tasty and exercise sucks. But I think I knew that going into the experience, didn’t you?

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“I’ll have a dozen assorted to go, please.”

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

September 2, 2017

Five Words That Could Be Misheard As Dirty

Posse

Pianist

Schick

Philately

Volvo

 

Five Lame Disparaging Terms for Australians

Koala Kissers

Down Underachievers

Ayers Rockheads

Sydney Opera Louses

Shrimp Tossers

 

Five Reasons To Speed

Driving wife to hospital to have a baby

Chasing down suspect

Bus will explode if goes below 55mph

Competing in a NASCAR race

Being chased by T Rex (Jurassic Park only)

 

Five Embarrassing Crushes

Tina Yothers

Michele Bachmann

That Computer Generated Japanese Popstar

Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop

Mrs Butterworth

 

Five Pixar Sequels That Will Never Happen

Up Yours!

Cars 3: Mater Stripped for Parts

Wall-E Gets Freaky With An iPhone

Ratatouille: Kitchen Closed Due To Vermin

Filleting Nemo

Party All The Time

August 28, 2017

Hypothetical question here but say you’re invited to a middle school classmate’s birthday party. You don’t particularly care for the guy but you feel compelled to attend because he’s a friend of a friend. When is it polite to leave said gathering? After you drop off the gift? After cake and ice cream? is served After the pinata and pin the tail on the donkey? After his mom, Mrs. Misenheimer, having a few Sea Breezes inside of her, takes you upstairs and makes you a man?

I’m curious because now that I look back on the whole bizarre incident I’m beginning to feel a little guilty for skipping out early and I’m thinking I should’ve at least stayed for the opening of the gifts.

In The Bag

August 21, 2017

I was telling some pals about this old commercial I remembered for the Food Lion chain of grocery stores featuring Michael Jordan. It aired back in the 1980s so I was willing to admit that I had recalled it incorrectly. However I found it online and, nope, I was right: Michael Jordan shoplifted.

Look carefully. He tosses the produce while still shopping but it doesn’t land in his bag until after he pays! Whoosh! “That’s a three-pointer!” Nope, that’s a misdemeanor! And I’m aware this was relatively early in his NBA career but you know he could still have afforded it. Oh sure, I hear you saying that he probably told the cashier to ring him up for the head of lettuce that was attempting re-entry because he’s just an upstanding guy and all but I think the far likelier scenario is: Whoosh! “Hey, uh, Michael, you wanna pay for that produce?” “I’m Michael Jordan! I know Dean Smith! Get the hell outta my face!” Yeah, that’s right! Own the crime, MJ! We got it on film! It’s a crime only slightly less bold than your baseball career and – uh – damn, I can’t do this anymore.

I know he didn’t shoplift. I know he’s a great guy. It’s just that I went to UNC-Chapel Hill and I’m not saying that I was that anxious freshman standing outside Carmichael gym, holding out a notebook and hoping for an autograph as you breezed by after basketball practice with your teammates, probably on your way to Mr. Gatti’s or Four Corners or some place ultra-cool – I’m just saying that sometimes our idols hurt us and all the crying and tear-stained pillows won’t make up for the fact that I had your poster, Michael! That one where you had your hands all stretched out and it took up and entire wall of my dorm room! I loved you, man! Maybe it was a guy crush, maybe it was something a little more that scared me back then and I’m still a little reluctant to talk about now, but I loved you! You couldn’t return one phone call or letter or sign one Carolina jersey?

Dammit. Now I’m all worked up about it. Still. Not too late to make amends.

Call me, Michael. We can still be BFF! It’s not too late!

 

Dream Loather

August 18, 2017

I had a dream last night where I was taking a class and I wasn’t prepared. Yeah, still have those; I’m guessing I’ll still have ’em when I’m 80! Anyway I showed up and the professor says that everyone has to pick an oral report topic. Well, in the dream, I’ve missed some classes and I’m behind so I don’t know what topic to pick or what the format is or anything. It appears to be a Roman history class and the reports are generally on the dry side so I figure, I’m a performer – I’ll do some dramatic reading or comedy piece, maybe Julius Caesar as Frank Sinatra or something, and the class’ll be so impressed that I didn’t just stand up and read my damn paper that I’ll ace it!

And then Hugh Jackman gets up. Yes, Hugh bloody Jackman. Apparently he’s in my class and he gives his oral report as this singing, dancing, Broadway showcase of his incredible talents. It’s The Life of Julius Caesar as interpreted by the multi-talented Wolverine himself and it is amazing. He even has Halle Berry and Famke Janssen do cameos at the end to help him out. And the class and the professor go absolutely wild. A standing ovation for Jackman.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting there, mouth agape, saying to myself, “Dammit! Now everyone will think I copied Hugh Jackman!”

Yeah, I know it was just a dream but I’m still pissed off. Hugh effin’ Jackman. Never had a problem with the guy until now. Freakin’ showoff. Almost makes me wanna take Kate & Leopold outta my Netflix queue. (Hey, I said “almost.”)