Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Have A Ball (Peen)

November 20, 2017

“This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.” – Will Rogers

And you know what they say: one baby with a hammer is dangerous and frightening – but two babies with hammers is pay-per-view fun!

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FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Justice League Edition)

November 18, 2017

Five Things Superman and Batman Fight Over

Which is cooler – the Batcave or the Fortress of Solitude

Who has the more tragic backstory

What toppings to get on a pizza

Batman never clears old episodes of Say Yes To The Dress from the JLA DVR

Whether to raise Robin Jewish or Lutheran

 

Five Legion of Doom Pet Peeves

Swamp headquarters attracts a lot of bugs

No healthy snacks in the commissary

Lex Luthor turned casual Fridays into pantless Fridays

Not nearly enough toys (Toyman only)

Solomon Grundy never flushes

 

Five Flash Pick-Up Lines

I like fast girls.

Don’t tell anyone … but my secret identity is Brad Pitt.

What has two thumbs and owns a cosmic treadmill? THIS guy!

Yeaaaaah, I know Green Arrow.

I’m only the fastest man alive when I’m fighting crime, if ya know what I mean. 

 

Five Milestone Comic Book Issues

Brave and the Bold #28 – The Justice League bands together for the first time

Flash #123 – Re-introduces Justice Society of America into continuity

Extreme Justice #2 – First appearance of Martian Manhunter’s longtime companion, G’ary

Justice League International #18 – Guy Gardner given atomic wedgie by Booster Gold

JLA #59 – Elongated Man and Sue Dibny attend a key party 

 

Five Justice League Hazing Initiations

Taking Aquaman “midnight swimming”

Streaking through the Avengers HQ

Drinking a fifth of vodka and reciting the Green Lantern oath

Pantsing Alfred

Burying the Wonder Twins in a shallow grave in the desert

 

American Idle

November 13, 2017

I was out with friends at this happenin’ NYC club over the weekend. The place was packed – sweaty, writhing bodies from wall to wall. Suddenly, there was this commotion at the door. We all turned to look and spied Jennifer Lopez at the entrance, entourage in tow, arguing with the bouncer. “We’re full!” he was telling her. “We can’t fit another person in here right now!” But Ms. Lopez was not to be deterred one bit. She shook her head and wagged her finger at him and screamed, “Uh-UH!! There’s always room for J Lo!”

Charles Schulz Would NOT Approve

November 11, 2017

snoopysnoconemachinelarge

I once nearly killed a man with a Snoopy Sno Cone Machine. No, I’m not saying the man had a Snoopy Sno Cone Machine and I nearly killed him. No, I had the Snoopy Sno Cone Machine and I used it to nearly kill a man. Who is not important. The details are not important. But trust me when I say that the Snoopy Sno Cone Machine may make delicious frozen treats … but, under the right circumstances, it is also a lethal weapon.

Crying Uncle

November 4, 2017

My 13th birthday fete at Pizza Inn and my Uncle Aidan, one of the few adult chaperones, decides it’s a good idea to entertain the Tweeners with a rousing chorus of Danny Boy. My first boy/girl party and the drunken lout’s ridiculous actions forevermore labeled me as an outcast at West Millbrook Junior High. Although, to be fair, the headgear, rock tumbler obsession, Thundercats bookbag and chess club membership pretty much had that covered already.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (1970s Edition)

October 30, 2017

[The following is a piece I originally wrote back in 1979 on my old ARPANET site: “Sparky’s Far Out Dy-no-mite Funkadelic Super Rockin’ Heavy Scene”]

 

Five TV Characters Cooler Than The Fonz

Vinnie Barbarino

Buck Rogers

Venus Flytrap

The White Shadow

Tie: Bo Duke / Luke Duke

 

Five Trends That Need To Go Away

Pet Rocks

Disco

CB Radios

Pong

Stagflation

 

Five Foxy Ladies I’d Marry Now If They Asked

Lynda Carter

Linda Ronstadt

Loni Anderson

Olivia Newton-John

All Of Charlie’s Angels (Except Sabrina)

 

Five Lessons Learned Due To The Energy Crisis

OPEC is an acronym that stands for … something

You meet sexier chicks on odd number gas days

A Buick LeSabre might not have been the best choice for a fuel efficient vehicle

Carter looks dorky in a sweater

If the price of gas ever goes over 75 cents, civilization will collapse

 

Five Reasons I’m Looking Forward To The ‘80s

The sequel to Star Wars

The Knack’s next album will be even better than their first

The US will kick ass at the 1980 Summer Olympics

With the coming of the Space Shuttle, moon cities can’t be far away

Jon Anderson will be the best president we’ve ever had!

 

Fool Me Once …

October 27, 2017

Back in fifth grade, my best friend and I went in halfsies on what we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt was going to be the coolest thing ever in our young lives – a monster! But not just any monster, no – a life-size monster that obeys your every whim and comes when you command!

We ordered it out of the back of a comic book. I think it was $1.50, so we each put seventy-five cents in an envelope and mailed it off. It said wait six to eight weeks but of course we’d come home every day after school and immediately look in the mailbox. We did this for two months. Finally, it arrived. (more…)

Appoplectic

October 24, 2017

Just shut up about your apps.

Seriously, just shut the hell up about your apps. Just shut up about how cool your phone is and what an excessive number of apps you have and what they all do and – gee, I wonder the barometric pressure is in Katmandu … wow, you have an app for that? I don’t freakin’ care!! Stop it. Just bloody stop it. This is no idle threat here. I am prepared to inflict damage and I am prepared to serve the time for it.

So just shut your stinking, festering gob about your damn apps.

Gifted

October 21, 2017

Hush, little baby, don’t say a word. Mama’s going to buy you a mockingbird. And if that mockingbird won’t sing, Mama’s going to buy you a diamond ring. And if that diamond ring turns brass, Mama’s going to buy you a looking glass. And if that looking glass gets broke, Mama’s going to buy you a billy goat.

Whoa. Now look here a minute. The bird was kind of cool, I’ll admit, but a diamond ring?! That’s a hell of an upgrade. And then, who the blazes thinks a mirror – or a freakin’ farm animal – is an acceptable substitute for a major jewelry purchase? Screw it. Just get me a gift certificate or a gift card or something. I really don’t trust your sense of gift equality here.

Hang It All!

October 17, 2017

I was in the mall the other day and I walked by a frame shop. Outside said boutique was a signed which proudly proclaimed:

DRY MOUNTING ON THE SPOT

Now, I know exactly what they mean, but please …

There MUST be a better way of phrasing that.