Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Pluck O’ The Irish

March 17, 2017

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! Are you wearing green? Drinking excessively? Does it really matter?

Since most Americans’ knowledge of Irish history and culture comes from a Lucky Charms commercial, I thought it might be an apt time to examine the real reasons behind the celebratory revels.

So here are 10 things you didn’t know about Saint Pat, Irish history and culture!

1. Saint Patrick was probably born in Roman Britain, about AD 385. He was originally called Maewyn, a name that, even in that historic era, no doubt got his butt kicked at recess more often than not.

2. Saint Patrick did not in actuality drive the snakes out of Ireland. He merely offered them a lift when their car broke down and only drove them down the road to the nearest pub.

3. The shamrock is the traditional icon of Saint Patrick’s Day, replacing the passed-out Leprechaun in popularity because it was too hard to face paint. (more…)

Flickers

March 13, 2017

To the idiots who thought it was a good idea to bring a fussy 2-year-old to the 10pm showing of Logan last night – sleep peacefully knowing that although you were rude, distracting and thoughtless you were NOT the most annoying moviegoers in the auditorium merely because the drunken stoners who loudly stumbled in about 1/3 of the way through (and left just as ninja-like about 20 minutes before the end) edged you out of that dubious honor. Nevertheless, I salute you and your brazen lack moviehouse etiquette and hope some other cinema patron with less of a sense of humor than myself visits you in the night ready, willing and able to shove a large box of popcorn shoved up your backside.

Unfounded

March 10, 2017

When I was ten I played hide and seek with some kids in my neighborhood. There was this one little kid, Brucie, who kept getting found first because his hiding places weren’t very well thought out. He was maybe around 7 or 8 and he started to cry a little because he was so bad at the game. I tried to calm him down by telling him he had to be more creative in his hiding. Standing behind a small tree wasn’t enough. Inside things or under things was good. My stupid little pre-adolescent brain attempted to give this little crybaby a lesson in concealment like I was the head of MI5. Well, we started to play the game again and Brucie got this look on his face like he was going to crack this thing. As he trotted off down the street I heard him mutter, “I’ll show ’em all. They’ll never find me.”

And he was right. We never saw him again. Being kids, we stopped looking after about 10 minutes, figuring he’d gone home or something. But we saw cops at Brucie’s house that night and Missing posters popped up around the neighborhood the next day. His family moved away about a year later. They never found Brucie.

I’d like to imagine that some day, decades from now, somebody’ll be doing some yard work or renovating a garden shed and find an 80-year-old Brucie stashed away in a hole in the ground or behind some lawnmowers and rakes. Still hiding. Because, as he said, he’d show us all.

No … No … Just, No

March 8, 2017

Mexican theater chain Cinépolis revealed plans to put a children’s playground in movie theaters.

cinepolis-playground-theaters

Now I can’t be absolutely sure but, if I remember my cinema correctly, making movie houses more kid-friendly was one of the seven signs in that Demi Moore film, wasn’t it?

Ill Will

March 5, 2017

You know what I think would be cool? No, wait – that’s a loaded question. Lots of thing would be cool to me. My credit union misplacing a couple of decimals and throwing my account balance into the low six figures. That would be neat. Aaron Sorkin given carte blanche to create a TV show that would run for as long as he wanted and without network interference. That would be sweet. Seeing Naomi Watts and Rachel Weisz standing on my doorstep because their car broke down and they’re hot and sweaty from walking and they need a place to shower. That would be really bloody awesome.

But no, this time what I think would be cool is for some seasonal viral outbreak to occur where people temporarily lose their mind due to contagion. It would be horrible although not fatal. But, while infectious, people would become disgusting mockeries of themselves. It would happen as the seasons changed and winter thawed into spring. Inhibitions would fly, taboos would be broken, intelligence lost and the afflicted would become walking ids, wreaking such a havoc upon their communities that the stigma of the illnesses would forevermore nudge anything else of similar appellation from the forefront of consciousness.

And what would the medical community would call such a disease? “March Madness.” Thus ensuring that the NCAA would have to come up with something else to call their little cager clambake, not unlike the makers of that dietetic candy Ayds had to do back in the 80s (look it up).

I think that would be cool. But, of course, that’s just me.

Misfortune Cookies

February 28, 2017

A word of warning. Never haggle with a girl scout over the cost of Savannah Smiles. They budge on price as much as Carmax does. Plus they get stroppy when you try to pull the Jedi mind trick on ‘em. “I think these cookies are $2 per box and not $4.” Nope, doesn’t work. And they are much shorter than you are, so when they kick – ouch.

Not saying I got into a scuffle with a gaggle of Brownies outside Old Navy. I’m just saying it wasn’t the best day ever.

No Haircut & Just One Bit

February 25, 2017

Had a bandage on my hand the other day due to a minor injury and some nosy git at a convenience store asked me how I hurt myself. “Shaving,” I said. “You shave your hand?” he shot back. I looked at him like he couldn’t do rudimentary math and told him, “I didn’t say I was shaving myself.” Yeah, that shut him up.

The Oval Offal

February 20, 2017

It’s President’s Day. (Or is that Presidents Day? Maybe Presidents’ Day?) That’s why we here at THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE thought it a perfect opportunity to look back and reflect on those men who held the highest office in our land. What should you, as an American citizen, know about them? The important, salient points? The stuff Ken Jennings knows? Easy. Here it is, the four-one-one on the men who wouldn’t be king.

George Washington. First president. Wooden teeth. Chopped down a cherry tree. Once did it with Betsy Ross on an early version of Old Glory.

John Adams. Federalist. First President to occupy the White House. Had a fetish for powdered wigs.

Thomas Jefferson. Wrote the Declaration of Independence. Acquired the Louisiana Territory from Napoleon. Dispatched Lewis and Clark. Came down with Jungle Fever.

James Madison. Started the War of 1812 so that Johnny Horton could have a career in 1959.

James Monroe. Remembered for the Missouri Compromise, which admitted Missouri to the Union as a slave state, pairing it with Maine, a free state, and barring slavery north and west of Missouri forever. Oh, and he was remembered for the Monroe Doctrine, which states – um, never mind, just remember him for the Missouri Compromise. (more…)

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

February 18, 2017

There was a time when people hated other people for thing like their beliefs and the color of their skin… but we’ve, of course, evolved beyond all that silliness.

Nonetheless, I thought it a good time to relive a Tom Lehrer favorite here as he sings about National Brotherhood Week. If the references seem a wee bit dated, please understand the song was first performed over 50 years ago. (Yes, people were funny even way back then.)

Stupid Cupid

February 13, 2017

It’s still not too late to send some UNFORTUNATE VALENTINE’S DAY CARDS!