Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Father’s Day Edition)

June 17, 2018

Five People I Wished Were My Dad When I Was A Kid

Steve Douglas (Fred MacMurray on My Three Sons)

Evel Knievel

Captain Kangaroo

James Bond

Paul Lynde (yeah, I know – but at the time …)

 

Five Things My Father Never Taught Me

How to ride a bike

How to fish

How to manage my finances

The birds and the bees

How to find him when he went away

 

Five Dad Cliches

I don’t pay to heat the whole neighborhood.

Because I say so!

Go ask your mother.

I brought you into this world – I can take you out!

Let’s not tell your mom about this, okay?

 

Five of My Favorite Fathers

Father Time

Father Ted

Father Christmas

Father Guido Sarducci

Father Goose

 

Five Fictional Characters with Severe Daddy Issues

Oedipus

Hamlet

Luke Skywalker

The singer of Papa Was A Rollin’ Stone

The Huxtable Kids (totally in retrospect, of course)

 

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Gumby, Dammit

June 9, 2018

I was watching Gumby on the Cartoon Network a while back and I saw something that, to be honest, shocked me.

Gumby’s sister needed to take a bath. So she went and got in the tub as she was. See, she didn’t take off her clothes because she wasn’t wearing any. She just hopped right on in.

Which means: she never wears clothes. None of them do. All of the Gumby family walk around totally starkers! Naked! Nude! Just as their stop-motion God molded them, their clay bodies exposed for all the world to see.

Not that Gumby, Pokey or any of their pals are, shall we say, anatomically-correct, shamelessly displaying clay privates with the audacity of a drunken coed on one of those spring break videos. No, these earthen amigos are as smooth and nondescript as a Ken doll, even less so.

But there’s a principle here. Why call attention to the Gumby clan’s nakedness by depicting the sister in a bathtub, even if it was an integral part of the story? Pure prurient interest, if you ask me! Pure lewdness! Pure insatiable lust!

Damn, that Art Clokey was one sick, horny SOB.

The Giving Spree

June 4, 2018

When I was young, every year I’d get an anonymous gift on June 4.

Sometimes it would arrive by mail with no return address. Sometimes it would be left on the front doorstep, on the back porch or somewhere else I’d be sure to find it. Once, it came via a special courier who was dressed in a gorilla suit.

gift

I never knew who sent these presents and I stopped getting them when I was seventeen. I used to imagine they were sent by my real parents who couldn’t acknowledge my existence because they were royalty or cool superhero adventurers off in a parallel dimension or something.  That still sounds like the most likely explanation.

Hey, prove me wrong.

Remembering Their Sacrifice

May 28, 2018

battlecrucifixhill-tm

My grandfather served with the U.S. 1st Infantry Division during the Second World War and fought with C Company in the Battle of Crucifix Hill. When company commander Captain Bobbie E. Brown destroyed three enemy pillboxes, my grandfather was by his side. As the company repelled German counterattacks, my grandfather was mortally wounded. For his bravery, he posthumously received the Purple Heart and the Medal of Honor.

Today, I honored my grandfather by saving 50% on a new mattress.

Happy Memorial Day, America!

Aaaaah, Freak Out!

May 25, 2018

I admit the 1970s were bizarre time and place. For instance, there was a moment when Ralston Purina thought it would be a good idea to create a cereal full of hideous mutant creatures, sort of a Captain Crunch meats Tod Browning’s Freaks. Or maybe a Snap, Crackle & Pop for the Love Canal generation, if you will. Regardless, the Freakies were born and kids around the world became devotees of this ghastly cadre of breakfast beasts. Well, perhaps not around the world – but definitely around my breakfast table. Freakies was my favorite cer-e-eel. Y’know, I think I still have my rubber Snorkeldorf around in a box somewhere. (And, no, that’s not a euphemism.)

Tales From My Screwed-Up Childhood #16

May 18, 2018

What’s worse than having your parents force you to go to a birthday party you don’t want to attend? Having someone else’s parents force you to go to a birthday party you don’t want to attend.

In middle school, my best friend’s little brother was having a birthday party. I got a perfunctory invite but didn’t plan on attending due to A) the somewhat annoying nature of the birthday boy, B) the fact that I wasn’t friends with the kid, and C) the realization that I’d rather spork my own eyes out than spend five minutes with the corduroy pillow-humping creep (sadly, a description I did not just make up). Unfortunately, my best friend’s mom, under the mistaken impression that my friendship with her elder son had stifled her youngest’s ability to maintain friends of his own (see C above and you’ll know why that wasn’t true), told me that I could not have my best friend at my upcoming birthday bash unless I attended the party of his younger brother.

Luckily, my best friend got sick the day of the party and his mother consented to allow me to leave the gathering early in order to keep him company. Sigh. Heart of a saint she had. (She kept it in an urn on the mantel.)

I’m On A Boat

May 11, 2018

Okay, yes, this is ridiculously juvenile – only for folks with senses of humor at about a 7th-grade level (most guys, really). But check out this old Johnson Outboard Motor commercial and, well, wonder if they were in on it, really.

Stank You Very Much

May 8, 2018

My Aunt Jennie had really nasty halitosis. And when she blew out her birthday candles, she’d imbue the cake with her – er, essence. She couldn’t understand why no one wanted seconds. And nobody had the heart to tell the old dear it was because, thanks to whatever had crawled up and died in her mouth, the lemon-iced sheet cake now tasted like complete ass.

People I Hate #704 (In A Series)

May 5, 2018

Who: Mother Hubbard

Why: She starved her dog, plain and simple. Oh sure, she goes to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone but when the nursery rhyme is ended the dog has none because the cupboard is bare. So either the old crone goes through the motions, knowing full well the cupboard is empty, or she’s a forgetful cow who’s honestly yet ridiculously shocked to find that no one magically stocked her larder. Either way, the dog was about to get a bone and not a can of Alpo or some Puppy Chow.

How I justify it: She’s neglecting her pet. People who abuse, neglect or otherwise let pets come to harm through inaction deserve our collective hatred and scorn. The only upside is that when the senile biddy starves her pooch beyond the canine’s ability to cope he’s gonna chow down on her frail old bones like Louie Anderson at a Golden Corral buffet.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

April 27, 2018

 

Five Bad Local Commercials

Bear Mountain Sports

Jesus Christ Bail Bonds

Auto Connection

Girl, Job Fair, Word

Eastwood Insurance

 

Five Books I Recommend That You’ve Probably Never Heard Of

The Wampanaki Tales by James Howard Kunstler

The Quartzsite Trip by William Hogan

Super-Folks by Robert Mayer

The Choking Doberman: And Other “New” Urban Legends by Jan Harold Brunvand

Diet for a New America by John Robbins

 

Five of My Favorite Sci Fi Clichés

The alien planet turns out to be Earth

Protagonist attempts to change the past, thereby creating the future he hoped to prevent

The alien is not the bad guy but the good guy

The hero turns out to be dead or from a parallel Earth or an alien

… But no one remembers!

 

Five Ways to Prank a Roommate, Two of Which I’ve Done

Lysol in his milk

Ex-Lax brownies

Identity theft

Skunk juice in his fabric softener

Cardboard standup of Batman in the shower

 

Five Bad Places to Hide a Spare Key

Under the front door mat

The lock

On your keychain with the other keys

Fiji

The Paleozoic Era