Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Ghosts of Christmas WTF

December 13, 2019

I was out and about earlier which is strange for me because I’m often out but never about (or vice versa) and I found myself in a Barnes & Noble. Why was I in a Barnes & Noble? The obvious answer would be “books” but when am I ever obvious? I was gift wrapping for charity, if you must know, but all that really and truly is beside the point. (Charity says Hi, by the way.)

The bookstore was of course playing Christmas music, primarily because A) it’s the holiday season and B) the atheists haven’t truly found their musical niche yet. Well, the song that was playing at this particular moment was the old standard It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year by Andy Williams. A less objectionable tune to my sensibilities than, say, Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree or Feliz Navidad, both of which make me want to travel back in time and squash the rising of early Christianity to ensure I will never ever hear them again. (Of course, even then I’ve read enough sci fi and watched enough Twilight Zone to know I’d return back to 2014 to hear Brenda Lee singing Rockiin’ Around the Saturnalia Shrub or maybe Jose Feliciano’s Feliz whatever the hell the Spanish word for Solstice is.)

So the song is playing and I’m half listening, slightly humming along, and I hear a line that I guess I’ve really never heard before. At least it never registered. As you know the song extols the virtues of Christmastime and lists a litany of events and traditions that make it the titular “Most Wonderful Time of the Year” such as carols, misletoe, snow and yuletide parties. Okay, yeah – I’ve heard of those but it’s when Andy sings:

There’ll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long long ago …

The hell you say? GHOST stories? At Christmas? And before you point out that Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol is the quintessential seasonal tale and is virtually nothing but a ghost story I’ll counter with telling you to shut up and not bring logic into my tirade. Regardless, that’s just one story and he sings about ghost stories as if they were a primal part of the festivities alongside egg nog, reindeer, tinsel, trees and lights – none of which he references. He doesn’t even mention gifts! Not a single shout out to presents but ghost stories are cited twice in the bloody song.

I hope you’re as gob-smacked as I am about this whole meshugaas. Ghost stories? In a Christmas song? Maybe there was a bizarre tradition in the mid-20th century wherein people would gather with friends (mentioned) around a roaring fire and roast marshmallows (mentioned) and tell ghost stories but I’ve never heard of it and can find no reference to it on Wikipedia so I know I’m right.

Interestingly enough, I did discover that the song was written in 1963 by Edward Pola and George Wyle. They wrote other songs, probably none of which are as well-known still today, however Wyle did pen the theme song to Gilligan’s Island which may explain this entire mixup. Oh, Gilligan, not again!

By the way, I just checked. The Spanish word for Solstice is Solsticio.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

December 13, 2019

 

Five of My Favorite Sci Fi Clichés

The future is the past (and vice versa)

It all happened in the blink of an eye

Groundbreaking scientist/doctor thinks outside the box is killed by said box

Aliens visited Earth eons ago and that why they look like us or us them

Everything you know is about to change

 

Five Business I Once Thought Were Real People

Sherwin Williams

Baskin Robbins

Bennon Jerry

Hewlett Packard

General Mills

 

Five Countries That Sound Like Food

Turkey

Greece

Cameroon

Chile

Maldives

 

Five Mistakes I’ll Never Make Again

Locking keys in car on first date

Trusting a scientologist

Not reading the list of ingredients

Buying the Extended Warranty

Marriage

 

Five Rarely Used Luncheon Meats

Pustrami

Palmolive Loaf

Spam

Scorned beef

Hidethe Salami

 

They Say It’s Your Birthday

December 10, 2019

How pathetic is it to have the local bakery do up a birthday cake for yourself and then have it delivered “anonymously” to you at your office while you’re at lunch? I mean, you know full well that your co-workers will see it and throw an impromptu party for you when you get back. And you can, of course, feign ignorance. “How did you ever find out?” “Oh, I didn’t want a fuss!” The best thing is, since it’s all last minute, they won’t even have time to get you a card so they’ll have a quick whip ‘round and put some cash in an envelope. Sweet! But, um, like I said – just how pathetic is that?

Well. How pathetic is it when you do this but it’s not really your birthday – you just need some spare cash? Um … I’m asking hypothetically, of course. For a friend.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

December 7, 2019

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. Just a cute kiddie song? Hardly. The little brat singing the ditty is all a-titter that his mom’s liplocking old St. Nick – y’know, just pasting a big one on the Jolly Old Elf – snogging Father Christmas right good. The kid has no earthly idea that it’s his own dad, right? In fact, the little dipwad opines, “What a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night?” Ya think, doofus? Oh yeah, I’m sure Pops would have been pleased as punch to catch his wife making out with another guy, Spirit of Christmas or not. Let’s face it – if the kid is correct in any sense and it’s not his old man in a fake beard playing tonsil hockey that means ”Mommy” is, at best, a flirt and a cheat or, at worst, whoring herself out to get the kid his Christmas presents.

Face it. Your entire childhood is one seriously screwed up pastiche of Freudian mishigas.

An Open Letter To That Woman In Chapel Hill

December 1, 2019

Hey, Luv, I appreciate that you live in Chapel Hill. I know it’s a bastion of unadulterated liberalness. That’s what I dig about the town. Hey, I went to school there. I know. I am one of you.

But, lady, seriously. It’s time to take the Kucinich 2008 bumper sticker off your Subaru. Just need to scrape it right off. Maybe use some WD-40.

Keeping it on this long doesn’t make you an idealist, trust me. It makes you kinda sad.

Pantsgiving

November 28, 2019

And so, this Thanksgiving, as you count your blessings, just be extra grateful that you have pants.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (1980s version)

November 25, 2019

I discovered this old FIVE RANDOM FIVE back from the days of my old LISTSERV column, Sparky Mac’s Super Crucial Totally Boss Deadly Fresh Fun Happen’en! Not sure if it’s still as relevant as it was in 1986, but it wastes time – so enjoy!

 

Five Trends That Need To Go Away Soon

Car phones

Yuppies

The Mullet

Valley Girl Speech

Reaganomics

 

Five Lessons Learned From Hands Across America

The common cold is a communicable disease

Bodacious babes like to save the world

Some people have reeeaaally sweaty palms

R2D2 has hands?!

“Across” is a very vague term

 

Five Reasons I Hate The Rubik’s Cube

Can’t get it to work without taking it apart

Squares be buggin’

Girlfriend left me for some bohunk who solved it in 60 seconds

The colors make me gag

Rubik is like a total hoser

 

Five Women I’d Marry Immediately If They Asked

Rebecca DeMornay

Stacey Q

That Cutie from the Starship Video “Sara”

Rae Dawn Chong

Tie: The Go Gos / The Bangles

 

Five Things You’ll Never Hear During a Game of Gauntlet

“It’s morning in America.”

“Why is there a watermelon there?” “I’ll tell you later.”

“Valkyrie, your lifeforce is bitchin’!”

“Avoid the Noid.”

“I didn’t come here lookin’ for trouble, I just came here to do The Super Bowl Shuffle!”

 

Björk! Björk! Björk!

November 21, 2019

It’s Björk’s birthday! Yes, Björk – onetime Sugarcube, Dancer in the Dark and mother of my children (in a parallel universe). So put on your best swan dress, my Icelandic chanteuse, and sing. SING!

People I Hate #402 (In A Series)

November 18, 2019

Who: The inventor of the Cronut

Why: Croissant + doughnut = instant fame! But think about it – drunks and stoners and the morbidly obese are creating ridiculous new foods every day to no acclaim or profit whatsoever and some NYC foodie manages to wrangle the hipster zeitgeist and the next thing you know this portmanteau pastry is the belle of the bakery ball.

How I justify it: Spite … since the culinary school laughed me and my cannoléclair out of the kitchen.

Nuts To You

November 15, 2019

If you think your life sucks, just think how much suckier it would be if you were Shermy.

Yeah, Shermy – one of the original four characters in Charles Schulz’s funny page staple, Peanuts. Don’t remember him? Of course you don’t. For him, it was all straight lines and full-feature focus. Hell, he had the very first line when the comic made its debut on October 2, 1950. He was a cool, sarcastic li’l SOB until Schulz systematically phased the sucker out of his very own strip! Oh, sure, some would say that it was always Charlie Brown’s sandbox and that everyone else was just an extra, but if you asked old Shermy I’m sure he’d have a different opinion. One day, he’s sittin’ pretty and, the next day, he’s Barney Googled out of his own series! I mean, dammit all, even Zeppo got more respect

So, if you’re having a bad day and think your life is crap, just take heart in knowing it could only be worse if you were poor, poor, pathetic ol’ Shermy.

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