Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Save It For A Rainy Day

February 15, 2019

Put a call into my financial advisor the other day. Wanted to check on my retirement account. He called back later to let me know that a near mint Charizard card and $250 in unused Flooz was not really much of a retirement plan. He also told me to lose his number or face a restraining order.

Retirement? Yeah … it looks like I’ll be bagging groceries until I’m 85.

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Five Random Five (Valentine’s Edition)

February 12, 2019

 

Five Embarrassing Crushes

The Super Nanny

Dame Judi Dench

Melissa Etheridge

Peter Scolari as Hildegarde in Bosom Buddies

Cheetara (Thundercats)

 

Five Unfortunate Valentine’s Day Memories

Chicken pox – third grade

Had candy hearts superglued to forehead by a-hole roommate in college after I fell asleep

High school girlfriend allergic to flowers I sent her

Romantic dinner for two turned into awkward dinner for three when she brought her boyfriend (2005)

First boy/girl party in middle school and I inadvertently spent “7 Minutes In Heaven” with an American Girl doll

 

Five Bad Excuses to Turn Down a Date

Dog in heat

Just got Ant-Man and the Wasp on Blu-ray

Building life-size model of Orson Welles out of Legos

Roadying for REO Speedwagon reunion tour

Those Pottery Barn catalogs won’t recycle themselves!

 

Five Rejected Conversation Heart Sayings

Hands Off, Creep-O!

Future Taylor Swift Ex

MILF-tastic

Who’s Your Caddy?

Be My #1 & I’ll #2

 

Five Les Misérables Pickup Lines

I dreamed a dream of you and me in a three-way.

Oh, I will make you hear the people sing, baby!

At the end of the day, you’d better go home with me.

You are the hottest toothless, hairless prostitute I’ve ever seen!

My number may be 24601, but yours is a solid 10!

 

The World’s Tiniest Voilà!

February 8, 2019

I think the most pathetic occupation ever must be the birthday party magician. Birthday party clowns I can understand; those suckers are already warped. But the magicians? Sad, oh so sad. Here you are, a craftsman, an artiste, finely honing your talent to the point your illusory skill can make people suspend their disbelief and “oooh” and “aaaah” over your marvelous feats. But due to the fact that you can’t get a good agent or you live in Hoboken, NJ or you just aren’t up to the standards of David Copperfield, you have to knock ‘em dead at 7-year-old Caitlin’s Chuck E. Cheese gala.

“This next trick was first conjured by the Augustinian Monks in the 6th century A.D. and has mystified the crowned heads of Europe –” “Make a balloon animal!” “What?” “Make a balloon doggie!” “Oy, my life sucks.”

balloondoggie

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (All-Animal Edition)

February 4, 2019

 

Five Signs You Married A Monkey

Your compost bin is 90% full of banana peels

Some spouses nitpick; she picks nits

Her family reunions take place in a zoo

That big red ass

Instead of throwing the bouquet, she flings her poo

 

Five Bird Names I Can’t Believe Are Bird Names

Slaty-breasted tinamou

Southern screamer

Erect-crested penguin

Tawny frogmouth

Cinnamon-frosted crampstuffer

 

Five LOLcat Wannabes

BFFzebras

DIAFparrots

WTFbears

BDSMturtles

LMFAOtters

 

Five Dolphin Complaints

Those bastards at Sea World

Fin rot

Since he went Hollywood, Flipper never returns calls

Racists who confuse us with porpoises

Handsy tourists who always wanna stick something in the blowhole

 

Five Reasons Old McDonald Should Be Locked Up

Farm is really a front for illegal pot operation

Runs fetish site involving free range eggs and a some busty milkmaids

“Old McDonald” really a codename for Russian mob hitman

Mrs. McDonald is buried out behind the chicken coop

He’s racked up a list of crimes against nature so extensive that he’s consistently atop PETA’s Most Wanted list

 

Pranks For The Memories

February 1, 2019

When I was in high school and people passed around their yearbooks, I’d always try to sneak in a passage that went something like this:

You are the coolest friend I ever had! Stay totally rad, bro! – Jazzbiscuit

Thing is – my nickname wasn’t Jazzbiscuit. No one I knew was called Jazzbiscuit; I made the name up. I just like the idea that there are dozens of former classmates out there who will occasionally reminisce over their old yearbooks and wonder, “Who the hell was Jazzbiscuit?!”

 

It’s Not Easy Beating Greens

January 28, 2019

As Whole Foods gets a black eye and pulls spinach from shelves due to Salmonella contamination, the green leafy scourge has hit very close to home and claimed another, more famous, victim: Popeye.

The one-eyed, burly-forearmed sailor known to millions around the world succumbed to a distressing bout of Salmonella after eating contaminated spinach last week.

Although normally tough, Popeye’s spinach-dependent strength has proven to be his trademark.  Unfortunately, as of late, his leaf vegetable-induced virility has been limited to household tasks like taking out the trash and moving the sofa so that his housekeeper, Alice the Goon, could vacuum. (In earlier decades, Popeye’s notorious feats of brute force and unparalleled power were primarily used to defeat his arch-nemesis Bluto – a.k.a. Brutus, Sindbad the Sailor, “The Big Guy Who Hates Popeye,” “Mean Man” and “Sonny.”  Sadly, Bluto passed away in 1985; he died in prison, serving a 45-year sentence for marine piracy and kidnapping.)

Popeye spent his last days in Crystal City, Texas, surrounded by friends and family. He battled the intestinal malady with great fortitude but, unable to receive succor from his beloved leaf, Popeye resigned himself to his fate by saying, “I’ve had all I can stand, I can’t stands no more.”

The mumbling, tattooed sailor is survived by his common law wife, Olive Oyl; his four illegitimate sons, Pipeye, Pupeye, Poopeye, Peepeye (who, in less enlightened times, were forced to pass as his “nephews”); his father, Poopdeck Pappy (believed to be about 206 years old); and Eugene the Jeep, whatever the hell that is.

Reportedly, his last words were, “I bleed from my anus ‘cuz spinach is heinous; I’m Popeye the Salmonella man!” Punctuated, of course, with a couple of short toots on his corncob pipe. And then oblivion.

Popeye. 1929 – 2019. Rest in peace.

We’ll Do It Live!

January 26, 2019

What is it about a live concert experience that makes some people want to scream at the top of their lungs? Seriously. I find it difficult to believe that the musical talent onstage actually finds this helpful in any way. Nonetheless, every concert, every event, every time, some drunken redneck feels the need to let loose a rebel yell like the original Skynyrd had just risen from the dead and picked out the opening chords to Sweet Home Alabama. Hey, mullet head! Shut up and stop ruining every live album ever recorded! You’re not leading Pickett’s Charge up Cemetery Ridge, okay? Applaud and dance and, heck, even shout the ubiquitous Freebird every now and again (that’s your birthright as a Southerner) but that ear-piercing shriek you wanna lob at the rest of us like a vocal dagger to the eardrum? Hell, that sucker can stay lodged half-choked in the back of your throat, alright?

The Paper Chase

January 21, 2019

When I was young, my hometown was terrorized by a wild piñata. Every day, it would run into town and cause lots of property damage and kill livestock. Once it dragged a small child away in the night. Eventually we had to call in a group of kids celebrating a birthday. They tracked the piñata to its den, strung it up and beat it to death, spilling its candy guts onto the ground. They cheered and paraded its papier-mâché carcass around town.

Very messy and savage. Very Lord of the Flies.

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FIVE RANDOM FIVE

January 19, 2019

 

Five Bachelor Party Faux Pas

Playing D&D

Getting married to a Keno girl

Drawing genitals on the face of the passed out best man in permanent marker

Bringing, drinking or even mentioning Zima

Burying the hooker you killed out in the desert in a shallow grave that’s sure to be easily discovered

 

Five Bad Make Out Songs

Do They Know It’s Christmas? – Band Aid

Me So Horny – 2 Live Crew

The Curly Shuffle – Jump ‘N the Saddle

Pretty much anything by the Dead Kennedys

Luka – Suzanne Vega

 

Five Signs Your Breakfast Cereal Is Possessed

The instant it’s poured, the milk turns to blood

The ghost on the Boo Berry box is real

Your Alpha-Bits spell out “Prince of Darkness” and “666”

Cap’n Crunch’s head rotates 360 degrees

The perfunctory Snap, Crackle, Pop is followed by a statement of what your mother sucks in hell

 

Five Autocorrects for Dirty Words

Fugue

Peso

Astrolabe

Blue Jar

Cute Lincoln

 

Five Nick Fury Complaints

Lack of depth perception

Life model decoys make my ass look fat

SHIELD helicarrier runs on used cooking oil so clothes always smell like french fries

Howling Commandos won’t accept Facebook friend requests

As cool as Samuel L. Jackson makes me look, I can never live down the fact I was once played by David Hasselhoff

 

Isle Be Seeing You

January 12, 2019

Sometimes I have this dream – well, fantasy really – that I’m stranded on a deserted island. I dunno how. Shipwreck or plane crash or something, maybe I get a job with FedEx like Tom Hanks in that movie.

Anyway, I see a boat in the distance. It’s a small craft and it’s piloted by one person and one person only. He sees my signal fire and steers over to the island. I swim out to meet the boat and climb aboard.

When I get on deck I find out the captain of this little ship is none other than the person who invented those shoes with the roller skates in the heel that some kids wear. So I quickly kill him, leave his body for the sharks to eat, and sail back to civilization where I’m hailed as a hero.

Not one of my top ten desert island fantasies, mind you (most of those involve the female cast of your average CW series) but it’s one I often drift off to sleep pondering. Ah, sweet dreams.