Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

TEN RANDOM THINGS THAT HAVE KEPT ME AWAKE AT NIGHT

July 21, 2017

Chris Gaines? What the hell was that all about, Garth?

Bidet comes from the French word for small horse.

Where’s my rock tumbler?!

When will they release The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer on DVD?

Mylar balloons!!!!

Chuck E. Cheese‘s mascot is a freakin’ rat?! Why hasn’t the health department closed them down already?

When I was 13, I saved up my allowance until I had enough to purchase a year’s subscription to Tiger Beat. I only got 11 issues. Damn them.

Who would win in a fight: Fudgie the Whale or Cookie Puss?

“I will have two fillings!”

Who exactly left the cake out in the rain? Richard Harris said “someone” but I think the drunken sod knew who it was and was just covering for them.

Give Peas A Chance

July 17, 2017

At dinner, my son, Jake, who unlike most kids his age absolutely loves his veggies, finished all his green peas. Meanwhile, his sister, Maxine, who doesn’t throw off the finicky kid curve, hadn’t touched hers. So Jake tried to sneak a few peas off his sister’s plate but Maxine would have none of it, despite the fact he was only after the stuff she didn’t want. His mom and I chastised him for bothering his sister and told him to stay on his own plate. Jake then shouted, “But I want HER peas!” To which my wife fired back, “Well, date a few sorority chicks when you get to college.”

Man, I love that woman.

If Life Gives You Lemons…

July 14, 2017

It’s happened again.

lemonade_stand

Every summer there’s at least one story about some kid somewhere in these United States of America who sets up a lemonade stand and runs afoul of “the man.” You know, some bureaucrat who wants to rain on some poor snowflake’s free trade parade by citing laws and ordinances and zoning and sanitation and crap. Bad, bad Big Brother and its rush to squash the hopes of some moppet with grand plans and a pitcher of sour, lemony goodness in a front yard or at the end of a cul-de-sac. Let wee Susie sell her delicious refreshment, the public cries! Leave little Larry alone and allow him to learn the free enterprise system in a wholesome and innocent way!

Of course it’s all utter shite. (more…)

Din Mother

July 10, 2017

webelo

One time, in fifth grade, I was having a cub scout meeting at my place and this neighbor came over – I think his name was Mr. Hopnagle – and he complained about all the noise we kids were making. (We lived in a crappy apartment with paper-thin walls, a far cry from the crappy apartment with cardboard-thin walls I live in today.) My mom, whom I suspect had been putting up with a pack of screaming Webelos only by way of a bottle of Jim Beam she kept hidden in the toilet tank, tried to dissuade the neighbor from contacting the landlord and having us evicted. Eventually, they both went into the bedroom and put on the soundtrack to Urban Cowboy real loud. After about ten minutes, Mr. Hopnagle came out to the living room and got a couple of Pasbt out of the fridge and some nylon cords we were using to practice knot tying and he went back inside the bedroom. About five minutes later I heard my mom scream Tom Selleck’s name. Then Mr. Hopnagle left and my mom came out and told all the kids to go home even though we hadn’t worked out all the plans for the upcoming pinewood derby. We got evicted two weeks later, however, not because Hopnagle complained but because my dad was found passed out drunk and naked in the laundry room.

Radio Nowhere

July 7, 2017

And while we’re at it, can we put a ban on the phrase “long time listener – first time caller?” We get it: You like the radio show. Why not prove it by calling in and contributing with a pertinent, insightful question or salient point of observation? No need to waste precious airtime sounding like a complete tool with a suck-up phrase that’s so clichè Marconi probably rolls over in his grave every time it’s uttered.

Sick Leave

June 30, 2017

In my fourth grade class, this kid everyone hated got sick. It was like mono or something. And he had to stay home for several months. We were all glad because, as I said, we didn’t like him. He was a bit of a bully and would often act out during story time or recess and we’d all get yelled at and have to lay our heads on our desks and have a time out. Thing was, the teacher made us all make Get Well cards. I made mine a word search with phrases like “you stink” and “I hate you” and “die” hidden in among “feel better” and “eat soup” and the like. He never came back to school although his mom did send a note saying thank you to most of the class for their nice words. I used to think I was responsible for his not returning but I later found out he had simply missed too much class and had to repeat the grade. Still, I took credit for it and was the hero of J. Y. Joyner Elementary for the rest of the school year!

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

June 26, 2017

 

Five Radio-Themed Songs

The Nightfly – Donald Fagen

Pilot Of The Airwaves – Charlie Dore

WOLD – Harry Chapin

Mohammed’s Radio – Warren Zevon 

Radio RadioElvis Costello

 

Five Things I Hope Scientists Never Find Give You Cancer

Chocolate

Sex

Comic Books

British comedies

Feeling superior to idiots

 

Five Reasons to Dislike College

Campus dining

The fraternities

Tenured professors who should have retired years ago

High cost of textbooks

Your roommates

 

Five Pepperidge Farm Cookies That Could Be Stripper Names

Bordeaux

Geneva

Verona

Pirouette

Montieri

 

Five Historical Smells

Black Death Plague Pyres, 1349

Genghis Khan’s beard, 1223

Mustard gas, WWI

Cardamom, Spice Routes, 40BC

Tyrannosaurus Fart, Cretaceous Period

Impossible Dream

June 24, 2017

What’s with The Impossibles?

You know who I’m talking about, don’t you? Hanna-Barbera’s rock ‘n’ roll trio who transformed themselves into super-heroes when danger loomed. They were second-billed to Frankenstein Jr. in thirty-six animated Saturday morning adventures way back in 1966.

impossibles

There was the Spring Wonder, Coil Man. The Human Throng, Multi Man. And the Liquid Lawkeeper, Fluid Man. They would travel from town to town, performing their music, rocking the fans (of which they had many) well into the night. Or at least until they would receive a call on their guitar-phones from their super-secret boss who would alert them to some villainous menace nearby or some crime in progress. The Impossibles, as this was the name of their rock band as well, would then cut their concert short, change into their super-heroic identities and battle the bad guy.

And throughout all of this, we, the audience, were supposed to believe the Impossibles had secret identities and led super-secret lives! As if!

impossibles2

Think about that. Imagine you go to a Nickelback concert (just imagine – I don’t recommend it). You’re enjoying the tunes, thrillin’ to Photograph and the like when, all of a sudden, Nickelback stops in the middle of a song. They seem to be talking to their instruments. You think you hear them say something like “We’re on it, chief!” And they’re off – bang, like a shot. Nickelback ends their set in mid song. No explanations, no encores, no How You Remind Me. Maybe if you’re lucky, they’ll reschedule the event. It’s doubtful they’ll give you a full refund (and even if you get one, Ticketmaster gets to keep the ten dollar service charge). And, surprise of surprises, the next day in the morning papers, you read that the previous night – only a few minutes after Nickelback left the stage – the super-hero team known as Nickelback, a supergroup that has never before appeared in your town, fought and defeated a bank robber just a few miles away from the concert arena.

Can you tell me that you aren’t the least bit suspicious?! I mean, c’mon – even Lois Lane wasn’t this thick.

So, get with it, Hanna and Barbera. There is suspension of belief, granted, else all of our televisual fiction, be it animated or live action, falls to pieces, but I’m not buying this load of fish twaddle with monopoly money!

Forgive me if I demand some realism in my cartoons.

Old Chum

June 20, 2017

On my ninth birthday, I was beaten with Wiffle bats by a small gang of kids who, suffice it to say, weren’t entirely happy with the choice of party favors. My dad had brought a bucket of chum and thought it would be a pretty funny idea if …

Ah, who am I kidding? I never had a ninth birthday party. I never even had a dad. All I had was that bucket of chum.

Damn, I sure miss my chum.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Father’s Day Edition)

June 17, 2017

Five People I Wished Were My Dad When I Was A Kid

Steve Douglas (Fred MacMurray on My Three Sons)

Evel Knievel

Captain Kangaroo

James Bond

Paul Lynde (yeah, I know – but at the time …)

 

Five Things My Father Never Taught Me

How to ride a bike

How to fish

How to manage my finances

The birds and the bees

How to find him when he went away

 

Five Dad Cliches

I don’t pay to heat the whole neighborhood.

Because I say so!

Go ask your mother.

I brought you into this world – I can take you out!

Let’s not tell your mom about this, okay?

 

Five of My Favorite Fathers

Father Time

Father Ted

Father Christmas

Father Guido Sarducci

Father Goose

 

Five Fictional Characters with Severe Daddy Issues

Oedipus

Hamlet

Luke Skywalker

The singer of Papa Was A Rollin’ Stone

The Huxtable Kids (totally in retrospect, of course)