Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Dad Man Balking

April 16, 2018

My old man absolutely hated birthdays and refused to celebrate his under any circumstances. Once I made the mistake of baking him a birthday cake and presenting it to him after dinner. He wasn’t the least bit thankful or happy. In fact, he threw the cake against the wall and locked me in an old freezer we had out in the garage for two days.

To this day, I can’t eat angel food without balling up into the fetal position and crying.

cake

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A Mighty Wind

April 13, 2018

In case you think the Rapture is happening on April 23…

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

April 8, 2018

 

Five Songs I Haven’t Heard On the Radio In Decades

Driver’s Seat – Sniff ‘N’ The Tears

No Time To Loose – Tarney Spencer Band

Girl of My Dreams – Bram Tchaikovsky

Sausalito Summer Nights – Diesel

If I Had A Rocket Launcher – Bruce Cockburn

 

Five Bad Excuses To Turn Down A Date

Grouting my shower

Shampooing my hair

Experiencing entropy

Cupcake Wars marathon

Chumming

 

Five Bizarre Places to Find Chocolate Chip Cookies

Remainder bin at a Sam Goodys

Viking’s armpit

An Olsen twin’s kitchen

Tenerife

In a can, in aerosol form

 

Five Good Names for a Boy Band

Me&Eunuch

2Suave

Gentlemental

A Lad Din

15minutes

 

Five Embarassing Confessions

I am scared to inflate a balloon

I once wrote a love letter to Amy Carter

I was born with an extra toe on my left foot

I was kicked out of the Webelos for rigging the Pinewood Derby

When I was 8, I wanted to be a Solid Gold Dancer

 

Strange But True Yet Odd However Accurate Nevertheless Bizarre

April 1, 2018
Check out these amazing facts. Some are incredible and some are strange but all are true.

The world’s largest carrot weighed 68 pounds.

Benjamin Scholl, the man behind Dr. Scholl’s, is a doctor but he’s not a podiatrist – he is an ophthalmologist.

Diamonds were not considered valuable in ancient Prussia.

For several years in the early 1970s Dame Judi Dench was a groupie for the band Mott the Hoople.

The world record for stacking spoons on a single person’s nose is 752.

All the food consumed in all the Chinese restaurants in the United States would feed the nation of China for less than 36 hours.

Crossing your eyes can stifle a sneeze.

McDonaldland characters that have been retired include Hot Cherry Pie, Vanilla Shakey and the McGriddler.

At the height of their popularity, the band KISS would often perform in local clubs without their makeup giving them complete anonymity.

Welsh rugby player John Evans was one of the UK’s most infamous bigamists and prolific procreators. He fathered 74 children among 18 different women, all of which he legally married and never divorced.

Brothers Tyrell and Preston Rockwell have been playing the same game of chess by mail since 1959. The game was delayed once when the letter got lost in the mail and once when Preston was in a 15-year coma.

A blue whale’s vocal cords are the size of a VW bug

Steinfurther Allee in the Hamburg suburb of Billstedt has the worst arrival record of any train station in Europe. Since opening in 1990, not a single train has arrived on time.

George Lucas got the idea for Darth Vader’s breathing when his college roommate had sleep apnea.

The astronomer Copernicus postulated the existence of Dark Matter as far back as 1528, calling it “unsictbar nacht” (the invisible night).

In an attempt to update the Hardy Boys for a millennial generation, Frank and Joe became hipsters in 2009 and began to engage in typical teenage behavior like cursing, underage drinking and sex.

During WWI, Lawrence Welk was a sniper for the US Army with over 100 confirmed kills.

It would take longer for a penny dropped into the Pacific Ocean to reach the bottom than it would for a penny thrown from the edge of space to reach the moon.

The original Woodstock was supposed to be held in the summer of 1968 but the publicist was so stoned he didn’t know what year it was.

The Colombian frog species Sachatamia punctulata has a tongue strike so pronounced that if it were the size of a Saint Bernard it could punch a hole through solid wood.

The Vatican houses, among other things, three full-sized cineplexes, two ballrooms and a bumper car arena.

In her spare time, Lara Spencer of Good Morning America likes to write Sailor Moon fan fiction.

In addition to his career as Mark Twain, writer Samuel Clemens wrote several Victorian romances under the pen name Eustace Tibbett.

Pop-Tart flavors around the world include Curry (India), Octopus (Japan), Chili Crab (Singapore) and Yak (Mongolia).

Though This Be Madness, Yet There Is Method In ’t

March 25, 2018

Who am I pulling for in the NCAA tournament? Easy: Gonzaga.

Yeah, sure. I know the team got knocked out in the regional semifinals by Florida State but I don’t care. I like Gonzaga. Every year I pull for them.

It’s not that I’m an alum or even that I know anything about the school. Where is it? What’s the mascot? Isn’t it even worth rooting for? Hell if I know. I just like the sound of it. Gonzaga. Gon-za-ga! GON-ZAH-GUH!!!!!! Sounds like a cool cheese or a type of skin rash or a Captain Marvel villain, which is awesome. And I’ll never bother to learn any more about the team, the school or the name other than that because the details are not important.

Gonzaga! Gonzaga! Gonzaga! Long may you have a kick-ass name!

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

March 16, 2018

 

Five Forgotten ABC Afterschool Specials

My Mother Is My Substitute Teacher

I Was a Flintstone Vitamin Addict

Ringworm: My Silent Shame

Confessions of a Teenage Dairy Queen

Our Love Is Forbidden: The Donny & Marie Story

 

Five Lesser Known St. Patrick’s Day Traditions

Green beards

Walking with a potato between your knees

Screaming like a banshee when anyone plays Sinead O’Connor

Tickling strangers on the bus

“Slapping the Black Pudding”

 

Five Reasons to Sleep Late

An awesome dream about that supermodel you like

You desperately want to avoid a meeting a work

Your new Sleep Number® bed

The paralysis

If you get up, you’ll wake the Gorgon

 

Five Signs Your Waiter Is In Love With You

He takes your order and giggles like a schoolgirl

He fistfights another server to get your table

Blissful sighs emanating from the soda refill station

He hand feeds you your dessert

Side dishes shaped into hearts

 

Five Rejected McDonaldland Characters

Filet-O-Fishwife

Hot Apple Pierre

Shamrock Shakey

The McDLTease

The Hammolester

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

March 10, 2018

 

Five TV Shows That Helped Me Get Through Puberty

WKRP in Cincinnati

Solid Gold

General Hospital

The Facts of Life

Jem

 

Five Rarely-Used Twitter Hashtags

#CancerSchmancer

#MonkeyPoxRules

#MyMomIsAWhore

#SoundsLikeCrowsFarting

#SoylentGreenIsPapal

 

Five Rejected Monopoly Tokens

A dozen Grade A eggs

Noose

Half-eaten box of Fiddle Faddle

An inflamed duodenum

Bucket of chum

 

Five Forgotten Tourist Attractions

Jimmy Carter’s birthmark

Largest Merkin West of the Mississippi

Old Indiana Pacers burial ground

Dolly Parton’s first training bra

Iowa corn maze in the shape of Mamie Eisenhower

 

Five Dr. Seuss Pickup Lines

Horton hears a hottie!

Wanna hop on pop?

I’d like to get this fox outta her socks.

Oh, the places you’ll go.

There’s a wocket in my pocket!

 

Weird Al Hamilton

March 3, 2018

If you haven’t heard it … here ’tis.

Dante Had It Right

February 27, 2018

I had to stop by the DMV earlier and – just what the hell is it about that place? It sucks the life and hope right out of a body. I mean, I opened the door and saw the dregs of humanity … a sea of soulless eyes staring back at me. I couldn’t tell if they were silently pleading for help or warning me to run while I had the chance. (I did the latter.) And I’m by no means a snob but is there a DMV where the educated and cultured go? Because all the folks I’ve ever seen in line at my local DMV seem like the type of mouth-breathing yokels who’d be more at home in back alley crap games or juvie hall reunions than taking in the latest Indie flick at an art house cinema. Perhaps it’s just everyone, no matter what the breeding or the bearing, take on that look when entering that purgatory of public service. Like a virus or a plague, the DMV’s negativity is infectious and lethal. Hell on Earth. In fact, Dante’s “Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate” may have been more apt over the doors to this sucking portal of Weltschmerz than the gate to hell. I’ve still got to go back and renew my driver’s license and I know that I’ve bloody well abandoned all hope.

Screw it! I’m chucking my car and Ubering everywhere from now on.

Night Heirs

February 23, 2018

I was woken up at about 3:30 this morning by muffled cries coming from my son Jake’s room. I grabbed the cricket bat I keep by the nightstand and rushed in, expecting to find him half out the window in the midst of an alien abduction or something. Instead, he was just sitting there, rocking back and forth on his bed, tears streaming down his face. He picked up his pillow and screamed into it and I sat down and asked him what the problem was. He just looked at me through red eyes and said – in pretty much the same voice that kid in the Sixth Sense used to tell Bruce Willis he saw dead people – Who would win in a fight – a bear with an assault rifle or shark with a hand grenade? I got up, went downstairs, poured him a glass of water, came back up and gave it to him. It’s moments like this that I’d like to comfort myself with the knowledge that he’s adopted or that Moira was unfaithful but I can’t avoid the stone cold fact that he’s mine and my genetic code runs through his DNA like a bacteria-resistant infection. “The bear,” I told him. “I worked it out in storyboard last week. I’ll show you tomorrow. Now, go to sleep. You’ve got ice skating drills in a few hours.” Armed with the solution to his dilemma, he settled in and was fast asleep as soon as he fell back onto the Teen Titans Go! bedsheets. Yep, he’s my boy all right. I can always recognize my particular brand of wacko.