Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Smashing Pumpkin

October 22, 2018

It’s the spooky season so let’s boogie down with everyone’s favorite dancing pumpkinhead! Check out his moves, his jack-o-lantern visage, his form-fitting bodysuit. Halloween is just days away but this groovy squash-noggined gent will have you shakin’ your booty on into the New Year!

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They Say It’s Your Birthday!

October 21, 2018

Looking for nice tunes for your celebratory shindig? Cool beans. Just take it from me. Don’t blast Birthday Bitches by the Insane Clown Posse at Nana’s 75th soiree. It doesn’t go over well, trust me – and it’s damn hard to explain to the paramedics why Nana has that inexplicable rictus.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

October 15, 2018

 

Five Vehicle-Related Songs

Cars – Gary Numan

The Key to Her Ferrari – Thomas Dolby

Hot Rod Lincoln – Commander Cody and his Lost Planet Airmen

Ol’ 55 – The Eagles 

Chevy Van – Sammy John

 

Five Potato Weapons

Potato Gun

Brass Russet

Yam-a-pult

Nuclear Murphy

Switchspud

 

Five Really Great Hiding Places for Hide ‘N’ Go Seek

In the laundry hamper

Outside (even though the rules expressly forbid it)

Duct taped to bathroom ceiling

Directly behind the Seeker

Narnia (accessible through wardobe only)

 

Five Fictional Crushes

Daphne from Scooby Doo

Anne of Green Gables

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

St. Pauli Girl

She-Hulk (Sensational, not Savage)

 

Five Forgotten Folk Heroes

Soapy Jim, Cleanest Rascal West of the Pecos

Sweet Sally Shortbread, Grateful Dead Groupie

Manicured Mel, Gunslingin’ Dandy

Johnny Applebee’s

Carl Birnbaum, Paul Bunyan’s Accountant

 

Product Placement … In … Spaaace!

October 12, 2018

And here I thought the only awesome Tang in space was the kind consumed by astronauts…

Trick Cur Treat

October 9, 2018

I’ve seen a lot of people dressing their dogs up in costumes lately. A Halloween thing, don’tcha know. Usually these nunderchucks wait until Christmas to adorn their cards with snaps of Fido wearing antlers and Ruff in a Santa suit, but now it seems hip to stress out puppy with a pumpkin parka or a skeleton hoodie.

Yeah, alright. Go ahead. Keep it up. Embarrass your canine. Make a mug of your mutt. Push poochie past the breaking point.

You may think it’s cute and all to have man’s best friend decked out in festive, seasonal garb but we’ll see who’s laughing when Cujo’s treating your jugular like a Milkbone.

“I will take my humiliation out of your flesh in bloody chunks.”

Drive Shaft

October 5, 2018

To the guy in the truck at the shopping center:

Okay, I admit at first I thought you might be a bit of a jerk. I mean, you took up two spaces with your pick-up truck and you zoomed through the parking lot at speeds which can only be described as outrageous and dangerous …

But then I spied the Ford decal on the back of your window. It had flames bursting out of each side. A Ford logo with flames! Obviously I was dealing with someone who was just so excessively cool it was beyond not only comprehension but reproach. That’s the only explanation. No way someone so cool and awesome could be the jerk I’d earlier surmised.

So forgive me for my snap judgement. That flaming Ford decal proved me wrong. It is your proof of coolness and your license to drive and park however you like. Go to it, suavemeister. And godspeed!

ford

Daddy May Care

October 1, 2018

My son saw Toy Story for the first time when he was 8 and couldn’t sleep because he thought his toys would come alive at night and kill him. Of course, he finally fell asleep after about an hour and later that night I sneaked into his room and rearranged his stuffed toys and Transformers. As a result, he wouldn’t sleep in his room for about three weeks and he eventually gathered all his toys in a sack and tossed them onto a fire. It cost me about $200 to replace the toys and a few thousand for the ensuing therapy but one day a long time from now – when he’s in high school and throws a Project X party or he’s at college and does something stupid and needs me to bail him out of jail – I’m gonna let him know exactly what I did and laugh like a bloody maniac.

ToyStory

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Autumn Edition)

September 28, 2018

 

Five Other Things Christopher Columbus Discovered

Nutella

Vancouver

Himself at age 13

EDM

After five weeks on a cramped ship, 40 men begin to smell a bit gamey

 

Five Sounds Of Fall

Turkey shoots

Haunted houses

Football games

Punkin chunkin’

Leaves screaming as they die

 

Five Lesser Known General Mills Monster Cereals

Gargoyle Grape

Vanilla Yeti

Devils Food Demon

Sugarclops

Krispy Kraken

 

Five Homecoming Dance Faux Pas

Spiking the punch

Mouthing off at a chaperone

Stepping on your date’s toes

Making fun of the poor girls’ dresses

Attending now even though you graduated in the 90s

 

Five Signs Your Halloween Costume Sucks

All the other kids laugh at you

You got it on sale at the Dollar Tree

You ran out of toilet paper for your mummy after wrapping only your shin

Everyone gives you extra candy because they feel sorry for you

My mom made it

 

Aces High!

September 21, 2018

I have a confession to make. I know it’s wrong. I know I should probably be ashamed for doing it. I know that my friends will more than likely not support me when they find out.

But I can’t help myself. I just enjoy it far too much. And, yeah, I’ll admit that I don’t care whether it’s looked down upon, whether people admonish me or whether anyone will ever truly understand. So there. It’s what I am, part of me, that which makes me who I truly am.

So, I’ll say it. Own up.

a-hem

I like Ace of Base.

Ace-of-Base

Call it innocuous Euro pop. Call them a cut-rate ABBA. Call me a silly prole who wouldn’t know good music from a hole in the head. Go on, I’ve heard it all before. Doesn’t matter. I love the Swedish pop foursome, their jumpy triple bass sound, their chart-friendly combination of pop and reggae. From The Sign to Don’t Turn Around, I just cannot get enough of Jenny, Malin, Jonas and Ulf. When I hear their songs on the radio, on TV, wherever, I dance, I sing, I jive and get down in a manner unparalleled with any other pop supergroup. Taylor Swift doesn’t do it for me, not like that. One Direction leave me cold in comparison. Not even my obsession with Girls’ Generation and O-Town measures in pure intensity to my longing for Ace of Base.

Oh, sure, the band’s continued inability to negotiate English-language lyrics with anything approaching subtlety is notorious and, outside of Cruel Summer, 1998′s Flowers was a disappointingly bland affair, not to mention their stateside popularity may be solely attributed to the heavy PR push of both distributor Arista and then pop-video record company lackey MTV, but, hey, their transatlantic chart success speaks for itself, as do multi-platinum albums.

So, scoff if you will. Mock if you must. I stand firm. I stand tall. I stand by my Tech Noir foursome.

Ace of Base, you rock!!

Well, maybe “rock” is too strong of a term.

Erm, Ace of Base, you promote generally healthy pop attitudes with your wholesome club-happy hits!

Uh … man. Do you think there’s a twelve-step program for this type of ridiculous addiction?

People I Hate #189 (In A Series)

September 17, 2018

Who: The teacher who punishes the whole class for the actions of one kid.

Why: It’s nothing more than a power trip enacted by an impotent overlord attempting to mask insufficient training due to a system lacking in true checks and balances and ceding actual justice to the crudest form of reactionary sanction and emotional retribution.

How I justify it: Mrs. Canterbury’s fourth grade class when Simon Spencer threw a paper airplane at the blackboard when old Mrs. Canterbury’s back was turned and she called us a bunch of “spoiled, snot-nosed brats” and said she was “counting the days until retirement” and then made us all stay after school and bang erasers together even though pretty much everyone eagerly turned jail yard snitch and pointed out Simon as the culprit because he was a jerk at recess and we couldn’t stand him. Y’know I read in the newspaper a few years back that Mrs. Canterbury died and I had to actively fight the urge to drive to the cemetery where she was buried and dance on her bloody grave. I’m not proud of that but I think most people would understand.