Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

There We Were All In One Place, A Generation Lost In Space

August 16, 2019

It seems hard to believe that it was fifty years ago we all gathered together there on Yasgur’s farm. I don’t recall much of the experience, primarily due to sleep deprivation. (Do you know how hard it is to catch forty winks when half a million hippies are groovin’ to rock music? And the music was, like, nonstop!) Still … I jotted down a few notes for my school paper. Sadly, the article was never published because the principal refused to celebrate “those counter culture weirdos.” 

Nonetheless, here are a few excerpts from my own personal Woodstock diary:

“An Aquarian Exposition: 3 Days of Peace & Music.” So says the poster. For 18 bucks, the Beatles better show up carrying the Rolling Stones, the Doors and Cream on their freakin’ shoulders!

A 20-mile traffic jam?  We are not walking all that way!

Son of a – –  We are walking all that way.

Granola sucks. Every hippie knows it and yet they treat it like it’s ambrosia. It’s not; it’s one step removed from twigs and rocks.

John Sebastian is so messed up. I’m guessing he got his Lovin’ Spoonful from Timothy Leary.

Oh, wow, this is so groovy. Like one crazy, magic love-in of freedom and beauty and peace. And I just love how all the free spirits are shedding their inhibitions along with their clothes. Nudity is love and peace and freedom and so beautiful and groovy, man, and – EEW, GOD, NO! Fat dudes should keep their tie-dyes on, man. That’s so uncool.

I could be mistaken, but I think there is a definite possibility that more than a few of these folks are a little high.

Will someone please tell Abbie Hoffman to kindly shut the fish cheer up? (more…)

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Do Ya Feel Lucky, Punkyhead?

August 12, 2019

Moira was doing some housecleaning earlier and she discovered a certificate acknowledging my membership in the Punky Brewster Fan Club at the bottom of an old drawer. Thing is I don’t recall ever being in the Punky Brewster Fan Club. I don’t even recall ever watching Punky Brewster. I’ve been wondering if she’s punking me, no pun intended. Could she gaslighting me? I just took out a new insurance policy. But what good is that if I’m crazy? Could I somehow have blocked out my membership in the Punky Brewster Fan Club? I blocked out most of my time in Webelos and that time I accidentally voted for Nader but it just doesn’t scan that I was a Punkyhead (seriously – that’s what fans call themselves!) and don’t remember it. I think the most likely explanation is that the certificate fell through a wormhole in space-time from a parallel dimension where I did join the Punky Brewster Fan Club and somewhere there’s a me in an alternate world running around complaining that he can’t find his certificate acknowledging his membership in the Punky Brewster Fan Club.

Of course, I could be lying and I could have danced around the living room like a schoolgirl when I was reunited with that fan club card which, I might add, I could have had laminated and could be currently carrying around in my wallet.

I guess you’ll never really know.

Voltron Farce

August 10, 2019

Which one of the Voltron guys was the crotch? Sure, they said they were arms and legs and body and head but somebody had to be the crotch. Technically, it was the guy in the robot who formed the torso. I think he was the Commander but if I’d have been on that team I would have just called him Crotch Boy or Señor Taint or something. I mean, you can’t take a dude seriously if he’s a crotch, can you?

voltron-epic-pose

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

August 5, 2019

 

Five Novelty Songs

Junk Food Junkie (Larry Groce)

Fish Heads (Barnes & Barnes)

Der Fuhrer’s Face (Spike Jones)

Take Off (Bob & Doug McKenzie)

King Tut (Steve Martin)

 

Five Spice Girl-Seven Dwarf Hybrids

Grumpinger

Doc Scary

Baby Sneezy

Poshful

Sporthappy

 

Five Sentences I’ve Never Spoken (And Never Will)

“Fill ‘er up – with delicious goose gravy!”

“One senior ticket for Crawl, please.”

“Rookie Wookiee nookie bookie cookie Snooki.”

“Duke rules!”

“Reality television is not ruining the small screen.”

 

Five Things I Hope Scientists Never Find Cause Cancer

Chocolate

Sex

Comic Books

British comedies

Feeling superior to idiots

 

Five Movies That Sound Like They Could Be Porn

Gleaming the Cube

Romancing the Stone

The Big Red One

Feeling Minnesota

Driving Miss Daisy

 

Just Desserts

August 2, 2019

You can sometimes return a gift that you don’t like. But you really can’t return a half-eaten ice cream cake. The guys at Carvel look at you funny like you’ve just stepped off the surface of Neptune or grown another forehead. And then Cookie Puss ends up getting shoved somewhere uncomfortable and the police get involved and then there’s handcuffing and a struggle and the inevitable perp walk on the local news, then YouTube, then CNN. It’ll all end in tears. TEARS, I tell ya!!! Sigh. Oh what the heck. Okay, Moira, I’ll eat the rest of the damn cake. I don’t want a bloody scene.

Cookie Puss

Jojo Rabbit, Your Meme Is Calling

July 30, 2019

Ah, this is brilliant. (Anyone not familiar with the Hitler Receives Bad News Meme leave now.) Taiki Waititi, director of Thor: Ragnarok and co-director of What We Do In The Shadows, is directing and starring in the upcoming film Jojo Rabbit. The premise of the film is that a young boy in the Hitler Youth gets help from his imaginary friend, Adolph Hitler. Outrageous? Tasteless? Misguided? Sure, why not? But if you see the trailer you may think the film’s worth a Fandango. Regardless of your feelings about the flick, this little bit of viral marketing that Waititi initially posted on Twitter last week is definitely gander-worthy.

People I Hate #64 (In A Series)

July 27, 2019

Who: People who get out of the car to use a drive-up ATM.

Why I Hate: There are two types of ATMs – the walk-up and the drive-up kind. The walk-up variety people understand pretty well. You drive to a place near the ATM, park, get out and use the ATM. The drive-up ATM is different as it was designed to be used while you are still in the car. It was named extremely accurately for just that purpose. And before you tell me that sometimes the passenger has to use the ATM and therefore has to get out out of the car to do it – nope not talking about that. Those people are irritating but I do not hate them (although the dbags who back into a drive-up ATM so the passenger can use it from the window can be labelled as People I Hate #64b, easily). No, no no – you know the jerks I’m talking about – they drive up to the ATM, stop a few few short and get out of the car to use a machine designed to keep them from doing that. The ATM could be located in a high traffic area where pedestrian traffic is in the way or it could be simply that by getting out of the vehicle you are breaking the flow of traffic. Does it really matter? They are getting out of the freakin’ car to use a drive-up ATM!!

How I justify it: I can’t run them down without getting charged with manslaughter so pure, unadulterated hatred is a nice back-up plan.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Comic Con Edition)

July 23, 2019

 

Five Sci Fi Heroes I Think Are Kinda Dickish

Han Solo

Gandalf

Klaatu

E.T.

Marty McFly

 

Five Geeky Autographs I’ve Gotten

Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy author

Graham Chapman, Monty Python

Jon Pertwee, Doctor Who #3

Evan Dorkin, creator of Milk & Cheese

Mr. McFeeley, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood

 

Five Rejected My Little Ponies

Cinnamon Bundlesnort

Starfish Tinkleberry

Tammy Fay

Gretchen Fetchen Candyretchen

Mr. Ed

 

Five Super-Hero Maladies

Iron Mania

Eye Strain (Cyclops)

Captain Amnesia

Sore Back (any female drawn by Adam Hughes)

Thor Thumb

 

Five Geek Pickup Lines

I have every episode of Space: 1999 on Laserdisc.

If you think my Doctor Who scarf is long…

Aren’t you a little hot for a Stormtrooper?

If you were a comic book, your condition would be very fine!

I just cast an engorgio spell – in my pants!

 

Over The Moon

July 20, 2019

Fifty years ago, Neil Armstrong took “one giant leap for mankind.” A momentous occasion by anybody’s reckoning. In the intervening years, our species has visited our planet’s satellite merely a handful of times. (Well, handful if you’ve got six fingers, I guess.)

And while everyone is busy celebrating this incredible anniversary, I’m left to scream “Where the hell is my moon city?!” Seriously! Like just about everybody back in the sixties and early seventies thought Apollo was only the beginning. First, the moon, then Mars, then it’s a Star Trek world! With flying cars and space vacations and teleportation!

What the heck happened? I want to be able to go to the airport and say, “One ticket to the moon, please” and have them say, “Do you have your moon visa?” And I’ll say, “Of course!” And they’ll say, ” Have you been inoculated for moon fever?” “Oh, yes, of course.” And then I’ll get on the hover walkway and go to the terminal where the space-stewards will show me to my rocket chair and off to the moon I go! Three … two … one … blast off!!!!

C’mon! They promised! I saw it on The Jetsons and Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space and Ark II and stuff. Come on, people! Get with the program! I want cheap, affordable space travel for all and I want it YESTERDAY!

At least give me my personal jetpack like that guy on In The News had once. I mean – I saw it. On TV.

People I Hate #78 (In A Series)

July 15, 2019

Who: The douchebag who wears a hoodie while playing in major poker tournaments on basic cable.

Why: He sits there, checking his cards and not making eye contact, hunched over like a petulant teen at a family gathering. He plasters a disaffected frown across his face like it’s body armor. His insolence is palpable and his unsociable demeanor makes you want to smack him.

How I justify it: HE made the decision to play poker on national TV! No one dragged him out of his bed and forced him to do it at gunpoint! So can the attitude, you smug, churlish bastard, and play some Texas Hold ‘Em!