Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

April 22, 2017

Five Snap, Crackle & Pop Associates

Pow

Wham

Plop

Pffft!

Kazoowie

 

Five Sins of Omission

Not telling the kid he’s adopted

Keeping your opinion to yourself

Letting her think you went to Jared when you didn’t

Not admitting you can’t drive a stick

Letting others blame it on the dog

 

Five Things That Kind of Sound Like Pickles

Pimples

Kellie Pickler

Pixels

Pimp Canes

Pippa

 

Five Questions You Don’t Want To Hear In An Elevator

I wonder what would happen if the cable suddenly snapped?

Will you hold me like there’s no tomorrow?

Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior?

Phew! What did you have for dinner last night?

Would you like a free hernia check?

 

Five Earth Day Faux Pas

Pamphlet bombing a mall parking lot to promote your event

Showing An Inconvenient Truth at an RNC gathering

Dancing on the grave of Rachel Carson

Having Nickelback perform

Burning “Save the Earth” into an old growth forest so it can be seen from space

Gentile On My Mind

April 18, 2017

Well, a great holiday has come and gone here in my household! Seriously great. And I’m not just saying that because I get to drink Schnapps again after giving it up for Lent. Nope, here at the MacMillan abode, it’s a non-stop party; especially since due to the nature of our respective upbringings we celebrate a blended holiday we like to call Paas-over (and lemme tell you – in case you’ve never tried – it’s not easy to dye a matzah).

But things are settling down now. The kids, Jake and Maxine, have pretty much finished their charoset bunnies and kosher peeps and Moira has begun work on her special parsley-salt water egg salad, which will be the centerpiece of most lunches for the next few weeks.

And me? My final job before I hit the hay is to see if I can remember where I hid all the gefilte fish we couldn’t find during the hunt yesterday. Give it a few days and the smell should lead me right to it, I guess.

Mazel tov!

The Easter Bunny Hates You

April 16, 2017

This. NEVER. Gets. Old.

Happy Easter!

HBOhm

April 14, 2017

When you work in TV promotions, you are keenly aware of how difficult it is to craft a branding spot that is both entertaining and original. And when it’s done (and done well) you have to applaud. HBO’s latest (“It’s What Connects Us”) does just that with a snarky charm (cue John Oliver) that has to make you smile. Don’t get me wrong – I’ll never forgive the suits at Home Box office for cancelling Hello Ladies but I sure as hell give their marketing department props for this gem.

Pregnant Pause

April 10, 2017

I stopped by one of those “Everything’s A Dollar” stores yesterday. Y’know the kind where they offer stuff that wouldn’t sell at major chains for the low, low price of 100 cents? You can find some interesting things there – toys, kitchenware, cleaning supplies – and if it doesn’t have an expiration date why not save some money, eh?  However, I’ll go on the record as saying there are some things you probably shouldn’t buy on the cheap.

That’s why I was a little more than bemused to see behind the checkout counter – right there, hanging on the wall – pregnancy tests for one dollar!

Seriously, how knocked up do you have to be to feel comfortable trusting a pee stick you purchased at the place folks who shop at Walmart think is low rent?

Duck Duck Goosed

April 7, 2017

For some reason, this Marx Brothers scene has been running through my head for the past few hours. Dunno why. Just a coincidence, I guess…

Oddly True Facts That Are Odd But True

April 1, 2017

Check out these amazing facts. Some are incredible and some are strange but all are true.

James Arness, Henry Kissinger, Charo and Bil Keane all have asteroids named after them.

89% of Millennials do not know how to use an hourglass.

Hitchhiking is illegal in the Canadian village of Binscarth in Manitoba, Canada. Because of its remote location, there have never been any cars in Binscarth.

Writer Stephen King admits he was afraid of the dark well into his late teens and starting writing horror as a form of therapy.

Acceptable plural forms of the word octopus are octopi, octopuses, octopus, octopar, octopax and octotupple.

The most decorated military personage in history was Swedish naval officer Henrik af Trolle.

The Denver Broncos mascot, Miles, was fired in 2004 after throwing his mascot suit off the top of Invesco Field, making thousands of fans think he had committed suicide.

The singer Meat Loaf made most of his money not by selling records but by becoming one of the principle investors in Qdoba.

The “Wiccan Times” voted a mountain in Wales named Craig y Llyn as the most haunted outdoor place in Great Britain.

In the 1940s, Swiss doctors experimented with LSD as a cure for menopause.

The first film to be released on DVD was “Beaches.”

Caskets are one of the largest environmental polluters worldwide. (more…)

Absorbent And Yellow And Tumescent Is He!

March 28, 2017

Basically, I’m shocked! Shocked, I tell you! (Not really; little shocks me anymore.) But I am amazed that the SpongeBob SquarePants hook seen below got past the planning stages, out of product testing and into stores without someone – anyone – saying, “Hey, is it just me but does that strategically placed hook look kinda like his… ?” I mean, look at that! It couldn’t be more obvious if it said “Sponsored by Viagra” on the packaging.  

Actually, I guess I can believe that it got past the suits and the focus groups and the initial marketing. But I gotta believe that, at the very least, the guy who chose the picture did so knowingly.

So there you have it. An actual SpongeBob SquarePants mountable wall hook I found for sale in a legitimate store. Go buy one today and scar your kids for life!

Costume Drama

March 24, 2017

In college, I had a job working for this business that would supply costumed characters for kids’ birthday parties. To avoid copyright infringement, the company would rent out characters like “Friendly Dinosaur” instead of Barney or “Burger Clown” instead of Ronald McDonald.

In my spare time, just for fun, I liked to dress up as our Mickey Mouse clone (“Fun Park Rat”) and hang around exit ramps holding a sign that said: “Will Carry Plague For Food.”

Spent a night in jail once for that gag. Heh. So totally worth it.

Pluck O’ The Irish

March 17, 2017

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! Are you wearing green? Drinking excessively? Does it really matter?

Since most Americans’ knowledge of Irish history and culture comes from a Lucky Charms commercial, I thought it might be an apt time to examine the real reasons behind the celebratory revels.

So here are 10 things you didn’t know about Saint Pat, Irish history and culture!

1. Saint Patrick was probably born in Roman Britain, about AD 385. He was originally called Maewyn, a name that, even in that historic era, no doubt got his butt kicked at recess more often than not.

2. Saint Patrick did not in actuality drive the snakes out of Ireland. He merely offered them a lift when their car broke down and only drove them down the road to the nearest pub.

3. The shamrock is the traditional icon of Saint Patrick’s Day, replacing the passed-out Leprechaun in popularity because it was too hard to face paint. (more…)