Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Mock Trial

February 21, 2020

I’d like to imagine that at the Roger Stone trial during the verdict – when the judge said You have been found guilty by a jury of your peers – that Stone’s lawyer shouted, “Your honor, this is a travesty! How can you possibly call these twelve citizens a jury of Mr. Stone’s peers when I seriously doubt a single one of them has ever lied to the House Intelligence Committee or obstructed the investigation into Russia’s meddling in the 2016 election?!”

I’m sure it didn’t really happen like that but it could have. I like to imagine it did.

gavel

Misfortune Cookies

February 17, 2020

A word of warning. Never haggle with a girl scout over the cost of Tagalongs. They budge on price as much as Carmax does. Plus they get stroppy when you try to pull the Jedi mind trick on ‘em. “I think these cookies are $2 per box and not $4.” Nope, doesn’t work. And they are much shorter than you are, so when they kick – ouch.

Not saying I got into a scuffle with a gaggle of Brownies outside Target. I’m just saying it wasn’t the best weekend ever.

tagalongs

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Valentine’s Day Edition)

February 14, 2020

 

Five Teenage Crushes

Susan Y. from my 7th grade English class

Jennifer Love Hewitt

That Chick from The Fifth Element

Psylocke from the X-Men

The Spice Girls

 

Five Depressing Valentine’s Days

Time I got sick on expired Russell Stover candy

4th grade and the class exchanged cards and everyone was supposed to get one for everyone else but I gave out 28 and only got back 26

The one where my first wife left me

The one spent in county lockup for buying fake Cartier from that guy in the park

The teenage years (all of them)

 

Five Bad Nicknames For Your Boyfriend

Mister Softee

Second Choice

Mommy Issues

The Up Elevator

Cuckold

 

Five Films That Sound Like Bedroom Euphemisms

Feeling Minnesota

Gleaming The Cube

Pushing Tin

Raising Arizona

Romancing The Stone

 

Five Rarely-Used Sexual Roleplay Characters

Edward Snowden

The GEICO Gecko

Former UN Secretary-General, Ban Ki-moon

The Orkin Man

That chick that comes out of the well in The Ring

 

ID ID ID Ho!

February 7, 2020

On my thirteenth birthday, my cousin Ginny, who was in college, gave me a fake ID. Not so I could buy beer, mind you – so I could see R-rated movies. See, I had wanted to see Body Snatchers pretty damn bad because some kid in my earth science class had seen it and he said there was blood and gore and clones and boobs and all … but of course my dad wouldn’t take me because I wasn’t mature enough. So my best friend Roland Bridger and I went to the Cardinal Theater and I flashed my new ID. They sold me a ticket but wouldn’t let Roland buy one because he was under 17 and didn’t have a fake ID. I tried to convince them he was my son but they didn’t believe me. I tried to sneak him in one of the exits but we got caught by some concessions dude who was taking out the trash and then we got banned for life. The Cardinal closed down shortly thereafter. You know, I have yet to see that stupid remake of Body Snatchers. And I never will, just on principle.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

February 3, 2020

 

Five Word That Kind Of Sound Like Mattress

Buttress

Matted

Mastiff

Patches

Katniss

 

Five Hidden Dangers In Your Home

Termites

Dry rot

Asbestos

Cryptosporidiosis

That new lamp that looks suspiciously like a ninja

 

Five Rejected Prom Themes

This Tragic Moment

Sparringtime in Paris

Date With Desenex

A Ted Knight To Remember

Night of 1,000 Stares

 

Five Reasons I Hate MTV

They stopped airing music videos

They wouldn’t hire me

They cancelled Beavis & Butt-head

Tabitha Soren never responded to my love letters

Jesse Camp, Jackass, Teen Mom, Jersey Shore – seriously, do I need to go on?

 

Five Flash Pick-Up Lines

I like fast girls.

Don’t tell anyone … but my secret identity is Brad Pitt.

What has two thumbs and owns a cosmic treadmill? THIS guy!

Yeaaaaah, I know Aquaman.

I’m only the fastest man alive when I’m fighting crime, if ya know what I mean.

 

The Horror Begins…

January 31, 2020

On claims that the superstar groundhog is being mistreated, PETA wants Punxsutawney Phil to be replaced by an animatronic replica.

Anyone who watches sci fi knows this is a bad idea. Sure, the first gen is a friendly, cute faux woodchuck that the kids can pet and it isn’t spooked by all the attention. But the second gen comes with a few new upgrades for its own protection, maybe a steel wool fur to prevent unnecessary hands-on contact. Next thing you know, the mechanical bastards are ten feet tall and are equipped with lasers and a prehensile battle-tail and they can self-replicate!

That’s the future, folks. Fear it or embrace it. I, for one, welcome our new robot groundhog overlords and look forward to years of service in the alfalfa mines.

groundhog

Rat (Master) Race?

January 27, 2020

I stumbled upon this opening to the old Pinky and the Brain animated series on YouTube. Bonus: it’s in German! That means the heretofore innocuous and inept rodential duo with grandiose dreams now suddenly take on a much more sinister sheen. I mean, in English, Pinky and the Brain are funny, maladjusted lab rats. But, auf Deutsch, you get the impression these two are just a goosestep or two away from actually taking over the world! Damn it, man, these tiny Teutonic terrors mean business!

People I Hate (#53 in a series)

January 26, 2020

Who: The picky kid who makes a “suicide.”

Why I Hate: He stands there at the soda fountain, spying all the possible options – caffeine-free, diet, off brand, raspberry, ginger ale – and wondering exactly what to put in his “suicide” mixture. He starts off, maybe, with a little Coca-Cola and then adds some Orange drink like Fanta or Sunkist. But what next? His tiny mind is reeling with possibilities, so he takes a stab at some other cola. Nope, false start. How about Coke Zero? Wait – isn’t that diet? Oh, yeah … Dr. Pepper! That rules. A little of that definitely.

And so it goes, on and on, a 32 ounce cup filled 3 ounces at a time with healthy pauses in between while he utilizes his still-developing cerebellum to make a bloody decision. And he thinks this ridiculous concoction (which he believes he’s the first person to discover) has a magic formula that if he can somehow just happen upon by trial and error his taste buds will achieve soda nirvana. But he’s mistaken. Normally, a soda “suicide” tastes like ass; at best, some crappy store brand. So what’s the point of making one besides silly childhood experimentation that could easily be accomplished by simply hitting each soda in turn, an act that takes 15 seconds tops!

How I Justify It: His indecision might be cute and adorable if he weren’t taking an unnecessarily long time to do a relatively simple task in a busy convenience store or restaurant, while the entire time I’M STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HIM WAITING MY TURN!!!! Move it along, you little snot. It’s only soda!

F Stop

January 20, 2020

When I was younger, I used to think that “dropping the F bomb” meant passing gas. Sounds reasonable, right? My naiveté can be forgiven. Except for at that final dress rehearsal for the senior production when that guy in the chorus said, “I wish we could drop the F bomb in this thing” and student director me told him that I didn’t think it would be a problem as long as no one could tell where it was coming from. Years later, I can almost forget the suspensions and the uproar and the inevitable school board investigation and just say with some pride that the crowd scenes of that amateur production of Oklahoma remain some of the most lively and unforgettable to date.

OK

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

January 18, 2020

 

Five Irrational Fears

Fear that the mirror guy is stalking you

Fear the color mauve will kill you while you sleep

Fear that if you smelt it you really have dealt it

Fear of denim based life forms

Fear of air quotes

 

Five Waiting Room Mistakes

Not checking in

Sitting next to a coughing kid

Reading a 3-year-old US News & World Report

Making eye contact with anyone

Assuming the staff actually gives a damn

 

Five Band Names That Could Be Diseases

Naked Eyes

The dB’s

Quarterflash

Chilliwack

Chumbawumba

 

Five Game Shows In Hell

Wheel of Misfortune

Card Sharks With Actual Sharks

Match Game BM

Win Ben Stein’s Kidney

Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?

 

Five Signs You’re Dating A Doctor Who Fan

He doesn’t call you his girlfriend but his companion

He lists UNIT as a reference on his resume

Draws an extra heart on all his Valentine’s Day cards

His fashion sense relies heavily on scarves, brollies, fezzes and bowties

During sex, he screams, “It’s bigger on the inside than it is on the outside!”

Tardis