Archive for January, 2010


January 31, 2010

Five Lame Insults

Your Mom flosses!

I’ll make you change your pants!

Eat sheet cake and diet!

May your offspring require proof of childhood vaccinations upon entering university!

I hope a chiropractor overcharges you! 


Five Childhood Crushes

Tina W. in my 5th grade class

Paula H. in my 6th grade class

Paula’s friend, Wendy A.

Kim Richards

Eric’s mom


Five Irrational Fears

Fear that corn can hear you

Fear of being haunted by the ghost of Boris Yeltsin

Fear of asphyxiation by caramel

Fear of the known

Fear of being forced to dress up like a rabbi at gunpoint


Five Live Performance Clips

Rick Rock, Buddha Buddha

Gordon Lightfoot, The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald

Steve Forbert, Romeo’s Tune

10,000 Maniacs, Trouble Me

Suzanne Vega, Marlene On The Wall


Five Ways I Nearly Died

Falling down that manhole during a snowstorm

Being thrown from that ride at the county fair

Of embarrassment when Courtney’s mom caught us

Kidnapped by Scientologists in London

In Your Arms Tonight (It must’ve been some kind of kiss)

Anyone Who Watches Sci Fi Knows This Is A Bad Idea

January 29, 2010

On claims that the superstar groundhog is being mistreated, PETA wants Punxsutawney Phil to be replaced by an animatronic replica.

Anyone who watches sci fi knows this is a bad idea.  Sure, the first gen is a friendly, cute faux woodchuck that the kids can pet and it isn’t spooked by all the attention.  But the second gen comes with a few new upgrades for its own protection, maybe a steel wool fur to prevent unecessary hands-on contact.  Next thing you know, the mechanical bastards are ten feet tall and are equipped with lasers and a prehensile battle-tail and they can self-replicate!

That’s the future, folks.  Fear it or embrace it.  I, for one, welcome our new robot groundhog overlords and look forward to years of service in the alfalfa mines.

Eat Dirt

January 29, 2010

Hollywood has crapped out some stinkers in the past, but I just found out about something that’s “in production” and I – I – I – well, I’m at a loss really.

Maybe, just maybe, coming soon to a basic cable station near you: Joe Dirt: The Animated Series.

Honestly.  Check it out if you want. 

Now, whether it comes to pass or not, someone somewhere out in an office some place, someone at a network or a studio – someone whose job it is to know better – SOMEONE thought making a cartoon based on a third-rate movie starring David Spade was a GOOD IDEA!

Of course, I’m sure Snakes on a Plane looked good on paper too.

Tweet Me Right

January 29, 2010

What the hell did I just do?  I tweeted.  I bloody well tweeted.  Gonna have a harder time looking myself in the mirror for a few days, but I guess it was an inevitable extension of the blog.

Yes, I’ve joined Twitter.

Ideally, it will be an ancillary adjunct to The Flehmen Response, a supportive best pal, a Barney to TFR’s Fred (or Ted, if you’re more HIMYM and less Bedrock).  I may let go a few more random non sequiturs (if you can believe those exist) than I post here.  I’ll probably push side projects, like Wednesday Night Trivia (want clues, anyone?) and SAFE Haven For Cats, and let you know more of my day-to-day likes and whereabouts, making stalking so much easier.  Regardless, I’ve no idea whether this will be something I’ll enjoy, regret or abuse.  Only time – and your attention – will tell.

And please don’t let me be that tree alone in the forest, wondering if I make a sound.  Follow me at

Pre Tell

January 28, 2010

I just realized I miss that Palm Pre girl.  I know some people thought she was spooky … well, she was spooky but still there was something about her.  A quality.  And now she’s gone.  And I miss her. 

Damn, I feel like Charlie Brown.  “I love you Little Red-Haired Girl!”

Tales From My Screwed-Up Childhood #89

January 27, 2010

All my uncle Todd ever gave me for my birthday was a case of ringworm. Granted, this is pretty reprehensible behavior from a relative so I felt much relived when, years later, I was told that I didn’t have an Uncle Todd and the guy who would occasionally take me on “outings” was some drifter my dad had once nearly run over in his Maverick. In retrospect, I guess I should consider myself damn lucky the most he ever gave me was a fungal infection.

Shock and Aw $#&!

January 26, 2010

Pretty damn awesome.  Sci fi and WWII action all wrapped up in a sweet little short package.  (Although I can’t help but be a little less impressed by a Nazi juggernaut I suspect could be brought down by a pack of Ewoks and some vine.)

Grand Teutons

January 25, 2010

Na ja, das schließt unser Programm für diese Woche. Verbinden Sie uns folgende Woche wenn … Ach, mein Gott! Damen und Herren, lassen Sie uns unseren speziellen Gast für eine weitere Zugabe begrüßen – Nena!

Hast Du etwas Zeit fuer mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von neunundneunzig Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Denkst Du vielleicht grad’ an mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von neunundneunzig Luftballons
Und dass sowas von sowas kommt

Neunundneunzig Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Hielt man fuer UFOs aus dem All
Darum schickte ein General
‘ne Fliegerstaffel hinterher
Alarm zu geben, wenn’s so waer
Dabei war’n da am Horizont
Nur neunundneunzig Luftballons

Neunundneunzig Duesenjaeger
Jeder war ein grosser Krieger
Hielten sich fuer Captain Kirk
Das gab ein grosses Feuerwerk
Die Nachbarn haben nichts gerafft
Und fuehlten sich gleich angemacht
Dabei schoss man am Horizont
Auf 99 Luftballons

Neunundneunzig Kriegsminister
Streichholz und Benzinkanister
Hielten sich fuer schlaue Leute
Witterten schon fette Beute
Riefen: Krieg und wollten Macht
Mann, wer haette das gedacht
Dass es einmal soweit kommt
Wegen neunundneunzig Luftballons

Neunundneunzig Jahre Krieg
Liessen keinen Platz fuer Sieger
Kriegsminister gibt’s nicht mehr
Und auch keine Duesenflieger

Heute zieh ich meine Runden
Seh’ die Welt in Truemmern liegen
Hab’ ‘nen Luftballon gefunden
Denk’ an Dich und lass’ ihn fliegen

Auf wiedersehen!

Anything But Civil

January 24, 2010

Pop Goes Appeasal

January 23, 2010

Bubble wrap is 50 years old!  Huzzah!  The only thing we can do to celebrate is … VIRUAL BUBBLE WRAP!!!  Pop all you want, they’ll make more.