Five Lame Insults
Your Mom flosses!
I’ll make you change your pants!
Eat sheet cake and diet!
May your offspring require proof of childhood vaccinations upon entering university!
I hope a chiropractor overcharges you!
Five Childhood Crushes
Tina W. in my 5th grade class
Paula H. in my 6th grade class
Paula’s friend, Wendy A.
Five Irrational Fears
Fear that corn can hear you
Fear of being haunted by the ghost of Boris Yeltsin
Fear of asphyxiation by caramel
Fear of the known
Fear of being forced to dress up like a rabbi at gunpoint
Five Live Performance Clips
Rick Rock, Buddha Buddha
Gordon Lightfoot, The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald
Steve Forbert, Romeo’s Tune
10,000 Maniacs, Trouble Me
Suzanne Vega, Marlene On The Wall
Five Ways I Nearly Died
Falling down that manhole during a snowstorm
Being thrown from that ride at the county fair
Of embarrassment when Courtney’s mom caught us
Kidnapped by Scientologists in London
In Your Arms Tonight (It must’ve been some kind of kiss)