Archive for August, 2019

WILL THE FARMERS’ ALMANAC KINDLY JUST SHUT THE HELL UP?

August 30, 2019

It’s been a hot summer around here. Not sweltering or debilitating or anything like that but hot enough. AC’s been going full blast and some fans are even running to take the edge off but outside it’s been a hot, humid mess. All that nastiness and now we’re finally nearing what could reasonably called “fall.” Beautiful autumnness with lower temps and cool winds and leaves and fairs and stuff. Can’t wait.

And then the bloody Farmers’ Almanac comes along and screams, “WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE HORRIBLY IN THE DEATH ICEBOX OF NATURE!” Well, technically, they didn’t scream and it was more like, “Farmers’ Almanac Predicts Frigid U.S. Winter” and “Farmers’ Almanac predicts numbing cold this winter.” The editor even called it a “polar coaster” which of course makes me think of a fun ride at an amusement park and while I would love to ride Steel Vengeance at Cedar Point I wouldn’t want to experience that hyper-hybrid record-breaking sumbitch with almost 30 seconds of airtime the whole freakin’ winter!

Ultimately, the Farmers’ Almanac maybe right, may be wrong – that’s so not the point. The point is we were finally getting a little tiny amount of joy up in this Accuweather bitch and the Farmers’ Almanac has to come along and try and scare the ever-lovin’ crap outta us!

So, forgive me if I politely ask, “Will the Farmers’ Almanac kindly just shut the hell up?”

August 28 Trivia Rankings

August 29, 2019

Another great week of trivia that, in all honesty, you should kick yourself if you missed. Seriously, we proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that our universe is nothing more than a simulation. Me, I enjoy being composed of nothing but ones and zeroes and, given the chance, will take the blue pill every freaking time.

Big Announcement! The Dog Days of Trivia continue through September. We will raffle off that DDOT gift basket on September 25th – the night we celebrate our tenth anniversary! You have to be present to win the basket but why would you want to miss the revels? Also, you can get extra raffle tickets all month long for any reason I’ve previously offered extra tickets this summer (check old posts and Twitter if you don’t recall).

This week, we were all about some Spider-Man foes, NFL retirees and Gopher State locales. Plus there was this time-traveling cola…

Now let’s see how the teams did this week. Pretty nifty. eh?

Dorian the Destroyer 69
Radical Left-Wing Bedbugs 69
Quiz in my Face 69
Lawyer: Latin For Liar 68
Quiz Quiztofferson 68
Denmark Offers To Buy Senate From The NRA 65
Maybe We Can Nuke A Hurricane 62
Inside Joker 60
Big Bad Bedbug’s Blood 57
The Bed Bugs 50
The Picture Of Hurricane Gray 50
Execution By Sword 49
Does The Slaughter Rule Apply In Trivia? 47
John Hickenlooper 47
Cell Mates 46
Too Glam To Give A Damn 46
Should’ve Checked Sparky’s Twitter Hints 42
Del Fisher 33
The Brother Ladies 24

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

August 26, 2019

 

Five Overrated Things

Dancing Competition Shows

Greeting Cards

Uber Eats

Back to School

Soup

 

Five Breakfast Cereal Mascot Fears

Fear of scurvy – Cap’n Crunch

Fear that Snap will kill him in his sleep – Pop

Fear of being institutionalized – Sonny the Cuckoo Bird

Fear of Irish stereotypes – Lucky the Leprechaun

Fear he will be forgotten – Yummy Mummy

 

Five Game Shows In Hell

The Price Is Right Up Your Colon

Name That Festering Mass

Squeal Or No Squeal

To Smell The Toot

Cash Cab

 

Five Rejected Care Bears

Sleazytime Bear

Inoperable Bear

Big Hairy Bear

Exeunt Pursued By Bear

Shhh! Our Little Secret Bear

 

Five Ways The World Would Be Different If Pop-Tarts Were Legal Tender

Kellogg’s would be the new US Mint

Banks would smell awesome

“Crazy Good” replaces “In God We Trust”

Anyone caught with Toaster Strudel would be jailed for counterfeiting

I would be broke because I’d eat my entire savings account

 

People I Hate #118 (In A Series)

August 23, 2019

Who: The chick perched on her boyfriend’s shoulders at an outdoor rock concert.

Why: She’s drunk, probably high, and she wants to be the center of attention by straddling her boyfriend’s bony shoulders and screaming at the top of her lungs as if she were leading Pickett’s Charge up Cemetery Ridge. She’s blocking the view of everyone behind her and not because hers is necessarily better on top of ole dopey. She’s just so self-centered and shallow that she thinks it’s all about her and by playing piggyback in a throng of thousands she feels she’s adding to the festival atmosphere rather than detracting from it like a dead daddy’s love child at a family reunion. But, hey, just chalk it up to another one of her marvelous life choices – like hooking up with the high school dropout X Games wannabe beneath her rockin’ booty who’s hootin’ and hollerin’ right along with “his old lady” – or like flashing her boobs in hopes she’ll get a backstage invite.

How I justify it: She’s sad. She’s pathetic. She’s a ridiculous gyrating hippie throwback who makes me want to puke. Plus, she’s my mom.

August 19 Trivia Rankings

August 22, 2019

Rain, rain, go away … come again on Arbor Day. You know Arbor Day, right – the day all the ‘andsome sailors ‘ang out by the docks. Thanks to all the Quizlings who braved the damp conditions to play our brand of triviawesomeness. We’ll do it again next week as the Dog Days of Trivia continue. Donate to a certified 501 (c) animal charity, show me proof and you can get a raffle ticket for our end-of-summer drawing!

This week, we dealt in Harry Potter spoilers (Voldemort is his dad!), Tay Tay kitty names (Burn After Reading is a horrible name for a pet!) and Fresh Prince solo fare (keep the roof blazing!). Plus there was this not-totally-made-up TV series…

Now check out this week’s teiam rankings (seriously, how’d that get there?)…

Disloyal Jews 70
Delusions of Greenland 67
Spider-Man: Far From MCU 64
Melania Concerned About Second Coming 61
If We Win, Greenland Is Ours 60
We’ll Swap DC For Greenland 60
Hot & Nerdy 59
Who Are These Kids and Why Are They On My Bus? 59
We Are Not Emu-sed 58
Hi, Dalmatian, What Number Are You? 58
The Team That Recycles 55
Insert Current Event Here 54
Cabbage Patch 52
Spider-Man Reboot 4 52
Greenland 52
I Got Nothing, Bro 49
The Outie Belly Button 44
Your Mom’s Illegitimate Children 40
Purple Rain 31

So Long, Kip (Rest In Pisces)

August 19, 2019

I just heard that comedian Kip Adotta passed away last week at the age of 75. While he was far from a household name, I have to say his novelty song Wet Dream never failed to make me smile. If you like fish puns (and who doesn’t?), check out this little ditty …

There We Were All In One Place, A Generation Lost In Space

August 16, 2019

It seems hard to believe that it was fifty years ago we all gathered together there on Yasgur’s farm. I don’t recall much of the experience, primarily due to sleep deprivation. (Do you know how hard it is to catch forty winks when half a million hippies are groovin’ to rock music? And the music was, like, nonstop!) Still … I jotted down a few notes for my school paper. Sadly, the article was never published because the principal refused to celebrate “those counter culture weirdos.” 

Nonetheless, here are a few excerpts from my own personal Woodstock diary:

“An Aquarian Exposition: 3 Days of Peace & Music.” So says the poster. For 18 bucks, the Beatles better show up carrying the Rolling Stones, the Doors and Cream on their freakin’ shoulders!

A 20-mile traffic jam?  We are not walking all that way!

Son of a – –  We are walking all that way.

Granola sucks. Every hippie knows it and yet they treat it like it’s ambrosia. It’s not; it’s one step removed from twigs and rocks.

John Sebastian is so messed up. I’m guessing he got his Lovin’ Spoonful from Timothy Leary.

Oh, wow, this is so groovy. Like one crazy, magic love-in of freedom and beauty and peace. And I just love how all the free spirits are shedding their inhibitions along with their clothes. Nudity is love and peace and freedom and so beautiful and groovy, man, and – EEW, GOD, NO! Fat dudes should keep their tie-dyes on, man. That’s so uncool.

I could be mistaken, but I think there is a definite possibility that more than a few of these folks are a little high.

Will someone please tell Abbie Hoffman to kindly shut the fish cheer up? (more…)

August 14 Trivia Rankings

August 15, 2019

What a lovely evening for trivia. Despite the threat of rain, Quizlings flocked to Tomato Jake’s to try their skill at the coveted prize of a $50 gift card. It was  a close game but we eventually found our winnah!

Thanks to the Quizlings who brought dog and cat toys to donate to charity. They received raffle tickets for their generosity. Want your raffle ticket for our Dog Days of Trivia gift basket drawing? Bring a pooch to the patio or, next week, bring a donation to the Pet Food Pantry (nonperishable unopened bags/cans only, please). One ticket per Quizling per week.

This week, we talked about constellation twins, Dickens villains and impeachable prezes. Plus there was this PSA from the past…

And an insurance pitchman with wheels…

Now let’s see how the teams ranked this time out. We’ll do it again next week, shall we?

Hauer About a Rutger Question? 71
School Supplies Make Teachers Cry 69
I’m A “Fredo” You’re Wrong – It’s Not A Slur 69
Don’t Trivia-lize Us! 68
Orange 67
Bananaphobia Is Real 65
Nerf Or Nothing 65
Sherlock Jerome’s On The Case 64
My Suicide Watch Was A Rolex 63
Randall’s Fitness Center 58
50% Lefty 56
The League of Extraordinary Guessers 55
The ™ 53
The Jonas Brothers Stole Our Answers 49
The Fartfaces 48
Yang Gang 44
Read It On Reddit 36
Last Hurrah Before College 35
Same Pizza, Different Week 32
Red Hot Trivia Peppers 31

Do Ya Feel Lucky, Punkyhead?

August 12, 2019

Moira was doing some housecleaning earlier and she discovered a certificate acknowledging my membership in the Punky Brewster Fan Club at the bottom of an old drawer. Thing is I don’t recall ever being in the Punky Brewster Fan Club. I don’t even recall ever watching Punky Brewster. I’ve been wondering if she’s punking me, no pun intended. Could she gaslighting me? I just took out a new insurance policy. But what good is that if I’m crazy? Could I somehow have blocked out my membership in the Punky Brewster Fan Club? I blocked out most of my time in Webelos and that time I accidentally voted for Nader but it just doesn’t scan that I was a Punkyhead (seriously – that’s what fans call themselves!) and don’t remember it. I think the most likely explanation is that the certificate fell through a wormhole in space-time from a parallel dimension where I did join the Punky Brewster Fan Club and somewhere there’s a me in an alternate world running around complaining that he can’t find his certificate acknowledging his membership in the Punky Brewster Fan Club.

Of course, I could be lying and I could have danced around the living room like a schoolgirl when I was reunited with that fan club card which, I might add, I could have had laminated and could be currently carrying around in my wallet.

I guess you’ll never really know.

Voltron Farce

August 10, 2019

Which one of the Voltron guys was the crotch? Sure, they said they were arms and legs and body and head but somebody had to be the crotch. Technically, it was the guy in the robot who formed the torso. I think he was the Commander but if I’d have been on that team I would have just called him Crotch Boy or Señor Taint or something. I mean, you can’t take a dude seriously if he’s a crotch, can you?

voltron-epic-pose