Archive for December, 2019

You Say You Want A Resolution

December 31, 2019

Okay, that’s another year come and gone (much like Katie Hill’s political career) and it’s time to reflect on what I’ve done. So give me a moment while I look back at my New Year’s resolutions for 2019.

Start taking watermelon supplements. Check.

Make a will. Completed.

Spend $120 thousand on a banana duct taped to a wall. Yep.

Get that tool Nursultan Nazarbayev to resign. Done.

Sign up for BarkBox. Sure.

Get a dog. Ehhhh, not yet.

Make the phrase “OK, Boomer” catch on. Got it!

Dare Bradley Cooper to end his relationship on live TV. Sigh, yes.

Stall Brexit. Done.

Get Taylor and Katy to patch things up. Not easy but yes.

Make sure Lori Loughlin ends up behind bars. Working on it.

Don’t spoil the ending of “Avengers: Endgame” where Tony Stark dies. Oops – crap. No.

Make “Baby Yoda” a thing. Yeah.

Track down my birth parents and burn down their house. Yep.

Make up a cool dance to the JoBros “Sucker” and teach my cats to do it. Yessireee.

Get the Hello Fresh, America’s most popular meal kit. Hallelujah, YES!!!! What an awesome bargain!

Take under the table payment from Hello Fresh to promote their service. Mmmm… I’m not telling.

Just chill. Tried it; didn’t take.

Put a fork in that sham of a marriage between Miley and Liam. Check.

Have a royal baby named after me. Officially – no but Meghan promises to call him “Sparky” every chance she gets.

Sacrifice a homeless drifter to my vengeful pagan god and pray for the decimation of my enemies. Check.

Get a clue. Never!

Spend an entire weekend playing the Untitled Goose Game. Done that.

Get busy living or get busy dying. Finally.

Get my college buddy James Hetfield treatment for his massive addiction. Again, yep.

Take these broken wings and learn to fly again and learn to live so free. Yes (thanks primarily to Mr. Mister).

Make sure America never sees the horror that is Tom Hooper’s “Cats.” Damn. Almost. Oh well – nobody’s perfect.

It was a busy year as you can tell. Hope yours was fruitful. Or at the very least relatively free of the kind of crap that makes you want to put your fist through a wall. Maybe I’m getting old but sometimes I think that’s the most you can hope for.

Sigh.

Happy 2020.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

December 27, 2019

 

Five Hipster Books

To Kale a Mockingbird

From Here to Urban Outfitters

A Beard Grows In Brooklyn

Their Eyes Were Watching Wes Anderson

The Artisanal Grapes of Wrath

 

Five Euphemisms For Pregnancy

In the family way

Up the duff

Go Go Gadget Zygote!

Cribbin’ the ute

Pulling a Duggar

 

Five Reasons to Hate Winnie the Pooh

He’s not a real bear

He got his stupid head stuck in a honey jar

He hunted the heffalump to extinction

He smells like wet stuffing

He poohs in the woods

 

Five More Ways To Leave Your Lover

Leave on a ferry, Gary.

Grab an axe and decapitate, Nate.

Shove her bloody face in, Jason.

Dose her with strychnine, er –uh, Rick … stein.

Get your gun and shart shootin’, Putin.

 

Five Retroactove Product Placements in Movies

“Well I got her number. How do you like them Snapples?”

“They call me Mister Pibbs!”

“Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinet.”

“As god is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again – thanks to Stouffer’s Lean Cuisine!”

“A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some BUSH’s Baked Beans and a nice Franzia, the wine in a box.”

 

Big Mad On Krampus

December 24, 2019

This is the Krampus. It’s a real thing – in the sense that Bavarian youngsters believe it as much as American kids believe in Santa.

I think it is so unbelievably awesome that kids in Austria grow up believing this crap. And I think the problem with kids in the United States is that they don’t.

Waste Not, Want Not

December 22, 2019

Something just occurred to me and I don’t recall anyone ever talking about it. Perhaps it’s one of Christmas’ dirty little secrets – that thing no one ever mentions, like the uncle you dare not get trapped under the mistletoe with – but it bears consideration at this time of year. I’m talking about flying reindeer waste.

Santa’s hitting supersonic speeds here, folks. Donner and Blitzen decide it’s time to heed nature’s call and the jolly fat man’s coated in a fine mist of deer urine and/or what could otherwise be the makings of a very potent North Pole fertilizer. And don’t kid yourself that the reindeer hold it. Ever find scat on your rooftop come December 26? These reindeer are animals and animals are working a different bathroom schedule than you or me. Take a ride in a hansom cab or go to the circus; you’ll see that it doesn’t matter where they are, who’s watching and what other task they are engaged in – should Mother Nature call, they heed. And forgot the anthropomorphic talking reindeer portrayed on animated holiday specials; these beasts are livestock – chattel – yoked to a Christmas icon, surely, but dumb animals nonetheless. I think the fact that they’re flying makes it especially egregious. Anyone who’s ever had their car dive bombed by a bird knows why.

All in all, I’m just surprised I never thought of this before. Why isn’t there a seasonal song that deals with this? I mean, hey, they go to the trouble of trying to explain how he makes his rounds and does everything so meticulously; they couldn’t give a few minutes to explain away deer pee and poop? It’s only natural (everyone poops). I just, for the sake of realism, want the next time I spy a picture of Kris Kringle to see him speckled in yellow and brown. At the very least wearing goggles.

Break It To Them Bently

December 21, 2019

I love this time of year because when I’m dining out and the children next to me start misbehaving I just pull out my phone, pretend I’m taking a call, and say loudly so the kid can overhear: “Hello? Yes. WHAT?! Santa Claus is DEAD?!! Oh my god! But how–? Heart attack from those cookies that kid left out last year? How horrible. But Christmas is next week – what’ll we do? That’s a great idea. We’ll just put the presents out ourselves and tell the children Santa did it. They’ll never know. They can never know! Whatever happens, we can’t let the kids know that SANTA IS DEAD!!!” I then hang up like nothing happened and continue with my meal. Sure, the kids cry sometimes and the parents often give me dirty looks but ultimately I feel I’m doing a holiday service. More in the style of Krampus than Saint Nick but, hey, we all have our particular heroes.

Trivia Rankings: 18 December 2019

December 19, 2019

Now, that’s what I call a pre-Yule, pre-Chanukah, pre-Solstice, pre-Kwanzaa, end-of-the-year, end-of-the-deacade trivia blowout! Thanks to all you Quizlings for coming out to play with us. It truly is appreciated. Remember: No trivia next week but join us on January 1st, 2020, for our New Year’s Day Triviaganza featuring our New Year’s Raffle! Raffle tickets are still yours to be had if you bring yourself and an extra if you bring a newbie. See you next year/decade!

This week, we looked back on the 2010s, celebrated some Tar Heel tunesmiths and raced to the South Pole. Plus there was this unique Welsh tradition…

Now check out the rankings for the week. See you in 2020, Quizlings! (more…)

TCM Remembers 2019

December 17, 2019

Oh, golly. It’s hanky time, folks, as Turner Classic Movies looks back and fondly recalls the people in the movie industry we lost this past year…

Ghosts of Christmas WTF

December 15, 2019

I was out and about earlier which is strange for me because I’m often out but never about (or vice versa) and I found myself in a Barnes & Noble. Why was I in a Barnes & Noble? The obvious answer would be “books” but when am I ever obvious? I was gift wrapping for charity, if you must know, but all that really and truly is beside the point. (Charity says Hi, by the way.)

The bookstore was of course playing Christmas music, primarily because A) it’s the holiday season and B) the atheists haven’t truly found their musical niche yet. Well, the song that was playing at this particular moment was the old standard It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year by Andy Williams. A less objectionable tune to my sensibilities than, say, Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree or Feliz Navidad, both of which make me want to travel back in time and squash the rising of early Christianity to ensure I will never ever hear them again. (Of course, even then I’ve read enough sci fi and watched enough Twilight Zone to know I’d return back to 2019 to hear Brenda Lee singing Rockiin’ Around the Saturnalia Shrub or maybe Jose Feliciano’s Feliz whatever the hell the Spanish word for Solstice is.) (more…)

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

December 13, 2019

 

Five of My Favorite Sci Fi Clichés

The future is the past (and vice versa)

It all happened in the blink of an eye

Groundbreaking scientist/doctor thinks outside the box is killed by said box

Aliens visited Earth eons ago and that why they look like us or us them

Everything you know is about to change

 

Five Business I Once Thought Were Real People

Sherwin Williams

Baskin Robbins

Bennon Jerry

Hewlett Packard

General Mills

 

Five Countries That Sound Like Food

Turkey

Greece

Cameroon

Chile

Maldives

 

Five Mistakes I’ll Never Make Again

Locking keys in car on first date

Trusting a scientologist

Not reading the list of ingredients

Buying the Extended Warranty

Marriage

 

Five Rarely Used Luncheon Meats

Pustrami

Palmolive Loaf

Spam

Scorned beef

Hidethe Salami

 

Trivia Rankings: 11 December 2019

December 12, 2019

Thanks to the Quizlings who made it out to play this week. A lower turnout, to be sure, but it’s the holiday season. People are out and about, dealing with holiday things that people do. Plus there’s exams and travel and, frankly, I’m surprised I made it out. Bottom line: I missed some regulars. Happy holidays and hope to see you soon.

The raffle tickets continue to be dispensed. Next week, wear an ugly holiday sweater, get an extra ticket. Bring a newbie, get an extra ticket. Draw me a picture of the War on Christmas, get an extra ticket (I get to keep the picture BTW). The New Year’s Raffle will happen on January 1st (we’re off on Christmas Day; already Fandangoed our tickets to see “Cats”). Getcher raffle tickets on 12/18 and 01/01! Must be present to win. All rights reserved. Trivia may be made in a factory that processes tree nuts.

This week, we gave shout outs to some rock and roll music, Dickens closing lines and cows that cause catastrophes. Plus there was this woke holiday classic…

Now let’s see how the teams stacked up this week. Hey, look at that! May I point out that 75% of the teams got a score of 60 points or higher? That is impressive, Quizlings!

Rudy The Red-Handed Ukraine-deer 69
Cocaine Santa 68
Channing Tatum Tots 67
Moby Ridiculous 66
Lizzo Be Eating The Haters 63
Jungle Bells 62
Our Sweaters Have Great Personalities 61
Santa Baby Yoda 61
Something Witty And Alliterative 60
Chestnuts Roasting in Hell 56
Gordo’s Crew 47
Duck Duck Gray Duck 44