Archive for June, 2008

Doctor Whose Line Is It Anyway?

June 30, 2008

If you don’t watch Doctor Who then skip this – I dunno, go check out some LOLCats or something – but if you do watch Doctor Who then this is bloody brilliant.

Sometimes You Feel Like A Quiz…

June 27, 2008

Take a moment for this CANDY QUIZ and see if you can identify candy bars by their cross-sections.

It’s tougher – and tastier – than you might think.

Justice Beleaguer

June 27, 2008

In case you missed the news, our sagacious nine, those who wield ultimate judicial power, let forth another landmark ruling this past week, the kind that makes Solomon look like Judge Judy.  Nothing new there.  Over the past decade, it has become obvious to most that our venerable justices are merely casting lots at the dart board of legality and not dispensing justice with the constitutional precision their offices demand. 

Certainly, whatever your political wont, you can’t deny that McCulloch v. Maryland or Brown v. the Board of Education or even Roe v. Wade aren’t important legal decisions, cases decided after incredibly complex deliberation and wise dispensation of American jurisprudence.  But now – now these nine old robes sit in judgment over national issues with a logical faculty that seems more destined to order the improper wine with fish than chart the course of human affairs.They tell us that the president can be sued while in office because that won’t interfere with the day-to-day business of running the country. 

They install a candidate to the highest office in the land with a partisan fervor usually reserved for The McLaughlin Group.  And, now, they bar the death penalty for child rape, toss out a $2.5 billion verdict in the Exxon Valdez oil spill case and shield bankers, accountants and lawyers from fraud lawsuits by disgruntled investors!

What the hell is going on?  When did I stumble into bizarro world?

Regardless of the deeper meaning, the higher significance, I think it’s time to blow the whole lid off this whole SCOTUS sucker!  So, join me, if you will, for a brief look at the horrible truths behind the nine justices as I present:

TEN THINGS THE SUPREME COURT DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW!

1. The robes.  Not only do they wear nothing underneath (except for Thomas, who wears a lace Victoria’s Secret number), the robes also serve as twisted party fetish gear.  Turned inside out, the robes are full leather slave-master regalia.  After-hours mixers cum bacchanalia give the attire full reign.

2. Scalia cruises for college chicks and likes to claim his mom invented White Out.

3. Justice Ginsburg once starred in an off-Broadway production of “Oh Calcutta!”

4. John Paul Stephens was once suckered into paying the Barbizon Modeling school over $2000 for head shots and poise classes.

5. The reason it takes so long to deliver a verdict?  It’s because they never miss their “stories.”

6. Justice Souter will not hear a case unless he’s either falling-down drunk or totally gooned on Nyquil.

7. All majority opinions are not written by the justices but are cribbed from the Harvard Lampoon.

8. They don’t bloody tip.  Ever.

9. Justice Stephen Breyer and Justice Samuel Alito often perform in D.C.’s Cabaret Burlesque as the drag queen duo of ChiChi and the Contessa.

10. Concerned with the competition, all nine justices took out a contract to have Diana Ross and the Supremes whacked.

Sparky MacMillan is laughing on the wrong side of his face.

Hey, Kids! Crap!

June 24, 2008

I’ve been collecting comic books since I was in sixth grade and I have to admit that there were plenty of titles I had absolutely no interest in.  But someone’s gone and compiled a list of TEN COMICS NO KID EVER WANTED.  From religious propoganda to a PSA in comic form, check out these funny books that you’d be sure to find in the quarter bin at any rundown flea market.

Oh $#*&!

June 23, 2008

Comedian George Carlin has died. 

Was he the best?  In his heyday, his prime, quite possibly.  Comedy Central ranked him number two, behind Richard Pryor and right before Lenny Bruce.  Hard to argue with that. 

I’d say he’ll be missed but the truth is he inspired so many comedians working today that he will always be around in spirit.

George Carlin: gone; definitely not forgotten. 

The Dazzler

June 23, 2008

I sometimes wonder just what the hell we were thinking back in the 70s.  Then I see something like this …

What the hell were we were thinking back in the 70s?  Not much, obviously. 

But, damn, I sure did love that emu. 

Listering

June 19, 2008

A handful of lists for you to pass the time. 

If bad TV is your thing, check out the 25 WORST SITCOMS EVER.  It’s not an exact science obviously.  I know that because they left off Yakov Smirnoff’s What A Country.

Continuing with the boob tube theme (okay, no pun was intended there but I realized as I typed it that I could have intended one, so I’ll take the hit), take a gander at TEN KICKASS WOMEN FROM SCI FI.

Moving on to the silver screen, it’s vacation time so here are NINE MODERN DAY CLASSIC MOVIE LOCATIONS YOU CAN STILL VISIT.

And we’ll wrap up with 14 SONGS YOU SHOULD NEVER PLAY IN A BAR.  As opposed to 14 Songs You Should Never Play In A Bra.  Which means I could make my boob tube reference again were I in the mood.

Muppet Maybes

June 16, 2008

After the week I had, I needed this …

Dad To The World

June 15, 2008

Today is Father’s Day.  I say that in case you are a father. Or know someone who is a father. Or maybe just want to honor someone who fathered someone sometime. Or will. It’s up to you.

Me? No, I don’t have a father. I did, of course, it’s not like – wow, Immaculate Conception, call the Vatican or anything. It’s just; my dad’s no longer with us. Oh, no!! He’s not dead! He’s just gone. Away. Far, far away. Back to his home planet. See, he came to Earth to save mankind from its own stupidity by giving us the cure for all our diseases and by sharing unlimited free energy sources and providing plans for an automobile that runs on garbage, but of course the government sent special CIA assassin squads to kill him and he had to flee and go back to his home world – but not before impregnating my mother. And one day he’ll be back to take me away from all this. Which is neat because he’s like the president or king or something on his planet. He’s definitely mega-cool and everyone loves him and would automatically love me, his son.

Sure, I know it’s kind of hard to believe and I don’t have any proof or anything but it’s the truth, I swear it! And I will stick by that story as I cry myself to sleep each Father’s Day and try my darnedest not to remember the time I asked my slapper of a mom who my daddy was and she just rolled over, burped George Dickel, pointed to her high school yearbook and said, “Take your pick.”

The Other Big E

June 11, 2008

Craving something musical and iconoclastic? Then enjoy THIS PRIMER on Elvis Costello. Or don’t. Read it angrily with piss and vinegar for all I care. Yeah, that’d show that stupid article. Trying to inform and all.