Archive for March, 2014

Billy, Don’t Be A Hero!

March 29, 2014

I’m not completely certain what the hell this is (think it’s an ad for a game) but I want to go goat to there.

Cat Pitch Fever

March 27, 2014

I don’t know why talking cats in commercials seem to be trending but it doesn’t matter because I love it! Cute kitties, funny dialogue, CGed anthropomorphization, who wouldn’t be feline groovy? Check out these Morris wannabes fur some laffs.

In Space, No One Can Hear You Design

March 26, 2014

NASA wants you to select its next space suit.

SpaceSuit

Well, not you specifically but “you” as in you, the public. All of us, more precisely.

Go to http://jscfeatures.jsc.nasa.gov/z2/ and choose between three designs. The winner will be built by November and be used by NASA as part of its next generation spacesuit platform, the Z series.

(more…)

Gettin Iggy Wit It

March 24, 2014

My friend Iggy had a party for his 14th birthday.

I hung out with him in 8th grade and we had art class together. He lived across town so I didn’t really get to go over to his house much. He stayed over at my place a few times but his mom always sent him over with special meals when he did, claiming he was allergic to pretty much everything and had to exist on a gluten-free, nut-free, soy-free, sugar-free diet.

So, his 14th birthday shindig was the first time I was over at his house. There were a bunch of us kids there – girls and boys – which surprised me a bit because Iggy always seemed shy and I thought, “If he knows all these people, why the heck’s he hanging around with me?” Also, I saw while I was there that his family was some weird Eastern European religion and that the reason he always came to my place with his own food was that they could never share food with nonbelievers or some such crap. I didn’t understand it then, I sure don’t get it now.

Anyway, his mom brings out this awesome cake – three tiers, beautifully iced, gorgeous and sensational, mouth-watering. We all about knocked each other over lining up for a piece. Then Iggy’s mom informs us all rather matter-of-factly that, because of their religion, the cake is for Iggy and family only and that she’s got these cheap-ass store-bought cupcakes for us kids. We couldn’t believe it.

Yeah.  Iggy and I weren’t friends much after that.

Sherbeatification?

March 21, 2014

Have Ben & Jerry been canonized yet? ‘Cuz they should be. I think Chubby Hubby is as close to heaven as you can get here. Chunky Monkey, too. And Cherry Garcia. And Neopolitan Dynamite.  And ONE Cheesecake Brownie. Man, oh, man.

Forget canonization; let’s build a religion around these two miracle workers of dairy awesomeness!

Simonize

March 20, 2014

Simple Simon met a pieman

Going to the fair;

Says Simple Simon to the pieman,

“Let me taste your ware.”

Says the pieman to Simple Simon,

“Show me first your penny.”

Says Simple Simon to the pieman,

“Indeed I have not any.”

Is it just me or does this sound like an incident that would end up on an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit some time?

Part Of This Nutritious Query

March 17, 2014

Is Fruit Brute vulnerable to silver? Can Count Chocula be killed by a stake through his heart? Does Frankenberry run in fear from fire? And what’s up with Boo Berry? Is he Peter Lorre’s ghost or what?

Dammit, my breakfast demands answers!

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

March 16, 2014

Five Reasons Not To Tip Your Waiter

Inattentiveness

The dessert arrives before the appetizer

He coughs in your face and laughs like a hyena

His BO is more pungent than your garlic curry

It’s a dine and dash!

 

Five Sandwiches That Scare Me

Liverwurst

A Po’ Boy

Anything from Quizno’s ever since the Spongemonkeys

Fluffernutter (seriously, what the hell IS that?!)

French dipwad

 

Five Odd Things To Keep In Your Crisper Drawer

Leather falconry gauntlets

A calcified granuloma

A chastity belt

A copy of The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers #2

Actor J. K. Simmons

 

Five Lesser Known St. Patrick’s Day Traditions

Green beards

Walking with a potato between your knees

Screaming like a banshee when anyone plays Sinead O’Connor

Tickling strangers on the bus

“Slapping the Black Pudding”

 

Five Things Vladimir Putin Is Overcompensating For

Emotionally stunted due to lack of parents’ love

Not asked to Russian high school prom

Lactose intolerance

Shirt allergies

His extremely small Crimean peninsula

March 13, 2014

BOT

VOTING ENDED! THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT!

(AND IF YOU DIDN”T SUPPORT ME THANKS FOR KEEPING ME HUMBLE.)

It’s that time of year again – time to vote in The Independent‘s Best of The Triangle Awards!

Click HERE to vote and, as you cast your ballot, please consider The Flehmen Response for Local Blog, Tomato Jake’s for Trivia Night and @sparkymacmillan for Local Person to Follow on Twitter.

(more…)

The Novelty Wears Off

March 10, 2014

There was a time – a gentler time – a kinder time – when a song having almost no merit other than it made you smile could make it onto the airwaves. It was the novelty song era, a time when you could break into the top 40 by speeding up the audio tape to sound like a chipmunk or edit together clips from other hit songs to make a fake news broadcast. Yes, believe or not, kids, once upon a time, a song about streaking or a duck that danced disco could top the charts. Nowadays, it’s hard to imagine something like Junk Food Junkie or They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haa! climbing the Hot 100 alongside Blurred Lines and Royals. Nonetheless, let’s take a moment to drift back to that innocent era with a little something I like to call The Curly Shuffle.

Believe it or not, this was a Top 20 hit in 1983. Ah, good times.