Archive for November, 2015

A Tough Act To Swallow

November 30, 2015

As I was leaving Rodney Parrish’s 11th birthday party, his mom held out a bowl full of candy. She said, “Take one” and I did, quickly popping the confection in my mouth. She stared at me like I was insane and I thought she was freaking out because I didn’t say “thank you” or something. So I smiled like I was grateful and swallowed the gobstopper. Only it wasn’t a gobstopper, it was one of the party favors she had been offering us kids. Stupid me. I had to be rushed to the emergency room because I had a bleedin’ Wham-O Super Ball stuck in my throat.

Gumby Or Not Gumby

November 28, 2015

I was watching TV earlier and Gumby came on. You know: Gumby of Gumby and Pokey. The Art Clokey guys. Anyway, the episode was entitled “Trapped On The Moon” and it started out with Gumby’s dad looking through a telescope. The first words out his mouth were “Yep. He’s on the moon. I’ll have to go get him.” 

Damn. That’s some big brass ones off Clokey. I mean, forget backstory, forget exposition, forget all your story elements that are crafted by literary masters to forge a creative piece of fiction. No! Clokey kicks off the action from word go with “He’s on the moon and I have to go get him.” We don’t need to know that Gumby is an impish lad who’s prone to far-flung, high-flying adventures. We don’t need to know that he’s probably used his clayboy body to fashion a rocket and escape Earth’s gravity for outer space action. No! All we need to know is that Papa Gumby has accessed the situation in as matter-of-fact a manner as he can muster and is ready to get the job done in full kick-butt fashion!!!  Boom! 

“He’s on the moon!  I’m gonna go get ‘im!” Wham! Bring it on, Gumby!!!! Man. 

Gotta love that little clay son of a bitch.

November 25th Trivia Rankings

November 26, 2015

Many thanks to the Quizlings that came out to play in a pre-Turkey Day trivia feast. Someone went home one Butterball richer and we learned that a majority of people agree it’s just too damn early for Christmas music!

I hope everyone has a great holiday, however you celebrate or don’t celebrate. Me, I’ll be working and volunteering and coming up with questions for next Wednesday’s trivia night. Don’t miss a week of it – we’ll be quizzing at Tomato Jake’s on through the holidays and into the New Year without skipping a beat.

And so … just to prove I don’t make this stuff up (except for athletic birthdates) …

Now here are the complete 11/25/15 rankings…

Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers 68
Thankful For Sparky 58
Escape From Philly 52
Sparky Swears It’s His Last Year At The Kids’ Table 52
Turkizza (A Turkey Stuffed With Pizza) 51
In Soviet Russia, Turkey Shoot You 50
May The Turkey Be With Us 50
The Stuffed Turkeys 50
The Wookiees 48
Thanksgiving Episode 7: The Fork Awakens 48
Harold And His Purple Crayon Got My Hair 48
50 Shades Of Gravy 45
Don’t Touch My Steak 42

People I Hate #246 (In A Series)

November 21, 2015

Who: The business that locks one of a double door set.

Why: Someone gave the green light to putting a set of double doors at the entrance. And we all know how those work: you enter through the one on the right, exit through the one on the left. But every now and again, some dill hole gets the bright idea to lock one – usually the one on the left. So, you enter normally by pushing on the door and walking through but, on the way out, you push and – before you can even register the resistance – your forward momentum carries you straight on to SMACK INTO THE DAMN DOOR BECAUSE SOMEONE LOCKED IT! There’s no sign, no warning, no heads up, no earthly reason to believe the other door will not work exactly as the first one did and as it has been intended to work since the bloody architectural plans were drawn!

How I justify it: It’s not for safety. It’s not for crowd control. The only justifiable reason to lock one of those blasted doors is to make customers look like complete and utter idiots and whoever does that is a douchebag. And I hate them. Hate them so much.

God Smack

November 20, 2015

“I believe in God, only I spell it Nature.” – Frank Lloyd Wright

So. Either he’s very enlightened and spiritual – or a tremendously bad speller.

November 18 Trivia Rankings

November 19, 2015

Thanks to the Quizlings who came to play. A three-way tie for first is a pretty exciting thing and we surely had one Wednesday night at Tomato Jake’s! If you missed it, you’ll be kicking yourself for days.

Don’t forget: There WILL be Trivia next Wednesday! If you’re in town for the holiday, stop by and getcher quiz on. Evade the in-laws for a few hours or bring the fam for a cornucopia of minutiae, trifles and esoteric fun. Whatever gets you out of the house and fills the seats.

And because some of you asked …

Now here are the full rankings for the evening. How’d your team do?

The Holly Holm Of Trivia 67
Two And A Half T-Cells 67
The Pyramids Were Actually Used For Pizza 67
Happy Birthday, Vince 66
I Yam Happy To Be Here 59
Thanksgiving At Bojangles 57
Every Restaurant Is A Drive-Thru If You Try Hard Enough 55
The Moistmakers 52
Four of Hearts 51
Happy Birthday, Katie 50
The 3 Best Friends 42
Can We Get A Lifeline? 42
The Three Quizateers 40

Just Desserts

November 17, 2015

You can sometimes return a gift that you don’t like. But you really can’t return a half-eaten ice cream cake. The guys at Carvel look at you funny like you’ve just stepped off the surface of Neptune or grown another forehead. And then Cookiepuss ends up getting shoved somewhere uncomfortable and the police get involved and then there’s handcuffing and a struggle and the inevitable perp walk on the local news, then YouTube, then CNN. It’ll all end in tears. TEARS, I tell ya!!! Sigh. Oh what the heck. Okay, Moira, I’ll eat the rest of the damn cake. I don’t want a bloody scene.


November 15, 2015

Five Women I’d Marry Immediately If They Asked

Rachel Bloom

Kether Donohue

Krysten Ritter

Judy Greer

Alexandra Breckenridge

Five Overrated Things

YouTube Stars

The hashtag


Craft beer

Fan theories about TV shows

Five Historical Goats

Johann Goatenberg

Archduke Francis Ferdinannie

Alexander the Gruff

Nicholas Capricornicus

Billie the Kid

Five Good Reasons Not To Tip

You were seated next to the kitchen.

The wait staff was abusive.

Your entrée was still mooing.

The check was written in blood and, when read aloud, summoned several demons that tortured and killed your family.

It’s an outmoded practice that deserves scorn, derision and active rejection.

Five Things I’ll Never Say

This head cheese is phat yumptious!

Bartender, could you change the channel to TLC?

What this song needs is another rap breakdown.

‘Sup, bro? Check out my man-bun.

I bet that new James Bond movie passes the Bechdel test!

November 11 Trivia Rankings

November 12, 2015

Wow. What a night. Again, apologies if any questions confused – it was not my intention.

Without ado, here are the complete rankings…

The Answer Is 30 68
2 Girls, 1 Starbucks Cup 64
Any Pizza Is A Personal Pizza If You’re Sad Enough 63
Ob-Gyn Kenobi 62
Starbucks: The Red Cup Awakens 61
Red Starbucks Cup, I Fill You Up 59
We Can’t Be Good At Everything 59
We Had A Team Name But Sparky Said No 53
8 Of Spades 53
Semper Fi 240 51
BNT 51
April Hearts Leo 47
Go Navy. Go Army. 46
The Worgis 44
And In 1st Place With 75 Points 42
Dynamic Duo 34

That Sinking Feeling

November 10, 2015

It was 40 years ago today that Gordon Lightfoot’s career got all the fodder it needed for immortality. The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald was a #2 Billboard hit and the finest song about a shipwreck you’ll ever hear.