Archive for June, 2019

Gran Spree

June 28, 2019

Have you ever eaten marzipan? It’s a sickly sweet comestible that I found vaguely reminiscent of salt licorice. I think it’s nasty. Nasty stuff. Especially when it’s molded into the shape of buttocks and served to your Nana MacIntyre by some jokers at the retirement villa.

Seriously, who does that to a woman who served as a WAC in Korea?

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June 26 Trivia Rankings

June 27, 2019

Wow! Another great week and another crowd – almost beat last year’s attendance record – and many thanks to one and all who came out to play.

Yes, I know next week is a holiday for some (must be nice) but there will be trivia and it will be awesome. Why? A) Because it always is, and B) It will be our 500th game! Yep, I said it! 500 games and, in celebration, I will double the top three prizes. We’ll also see what else we can conjure up in way of celebration.

Meanwhile, the Dog Days of Trivia continue. We’ve got some great sponsors coming up so don’t miss a single week, Quizlings!

This week? We got drafty, snacky and Fibonacci. And then there was this awards show opening number (sorry in advance)…

Now check out the week’s team rankings. Do NOT miss next week’s big five-oh-oh celebration, folks!

Wait, There IS A Type? 67
#499 65
Insert Fart Joke Here 65
No Would Pick So This Is Our Name 65
No One Beats Us 259 Weeks In A Row 62
The Rings Of Uranus Are Glowing 59
French Fries Sound Good 59
We Put The Sexy Is Dyslexia 59
There A Snake In My Boot 58
Teachers Gone Mild 57
Insert Team Name Here 55
Designated Quitters 54
Legends 54
The Marshmallows 51
Full Frontal With Cardi B 51
The Team Next To Us Is Cheating 50
The Kids’ Table 47
Les Quizerables 44
Ben’s Not Here 41
Was Beth Chapman Famous? 40
The Durham Fools 34
The Dads 31
The Merry Mastodons 30
4-Year Anniversary 15

SPARKY’S SUMMER TO DO LIST

June 24, 2019

Since folks have asked what I’ll be up to this summer season, I’ve compiled a little list. Now, understand it’s still a work in progress but I think this pretty well encapsulates my plans for the next few months…

See Dora and the Lost City of Gold in 2D, 3D, RealD 3D, IMAX, IMAX 3D and DLP Digital Projection

Loose Capuchin monkey in Campbell River, BC to confuse and vex locals

Manscape

Create new seafood delicacy called fishtoes

Teach my cats a neat dance I choreographed to Old Town Road

Swim with the Dolphins

Comfort Theresa May when she gets leaves office

Record full schedule of FIFA Women’s World Cup on DVR and watch in one epic fempowerment marathon

Sell illegal fireworks at roadside stand with cousin Stumpy

Patch holes in my Spider-Man costume for Spider-Man: Far From Home premiere on July 2

Practice my close up magic for the boys down at the VFW

Build a 1:1 scale Lego model of an Easter Island head

Put taxi medallion up for sale on Craigslist

Fight Minotaur to death

Fly my Lear jet down to South America for the total eclipse of the sun

Construct garden maze in the shape of Dame Judi Dench

Learn the correct way to boil corn

Go to Publix and draw funny faces on watermelons with magic marker

Get Dr. Scholl’s inserts

Catch NKOTB on the Mixtape Tour at PNC Center July 7

Don’t fill up on breadsticks

Stock up on Ban de Soleil for the Saint-Tropez tan

Join Juan Carlos I in Spanish retirement

Well, damn. I’ve got my work cut out for me. See you in Autumn, suckers!

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Superman Edition)

June 22, 2019

 

Five Least Marketable Superman Family Characters

Superman’s Landlord, Larry Lewis

Ploppo the Super-Grouper

Clark Kent’s Optometrist

Craig Luthor, Lex’s younger, less successful brother

Yok-El, Superman’s Redneck Kryptonian Cousin

 

Five Unknown Superman Weaknesses

Can’t do Sudoku

Heat vision doesn’t work on gazpacho

Vulnerability to yodeling

Commitment

A hot dog makes him lose control

 

Five Jimmy Olsen Complaints

Superman doesn’t trust him with his secret identity

Daily Planet 401K sucks

Clark Kent won’t join him on LinkedIn

Krypto always greets him by sniffing his crotch

At office parties, Perry White gets a little “handsy”

 

Five Rarely-Used Superman Nicknames

The Man of Molybdenum

S-Head

The Flying Buttress

The Metropolis Meatball

The Illegal Alien from Krypton

 

Five Valuable Superman Comic Books

Action Comics #1 – first appearance

Superman #61 – first kryptonite

Superboy #14 – Clark Kent uses x-ray vision to spy on Lana Lang in shower

Action Comics #663 – Lex Luthor tries Propecia

World’s Finest #52 – Superman & Batman in drunken threesome with Hawkgirl

 

June 19 Trivia Rankings

June 20, 2019

Another great night of trivia. Thanks to all who came out to play. The ice cream was our treat … and there’s more to come. Join us every week for fun and games and lots of prizes.

Remember that our 500th game is coming up sometime during The Dog Days of Trivia. I’ll double the top three prizes that week. Don’t chance it and miss out, Quizlings!

This week, there were political scandals from the Harding administration, flower animals from the sea and Twitter newbies from your nightmares. Plus (since I mentioned it in passing) this song was NOT a #1 hit… even though I had the 45…

Now, check out the team rankings for the week. Close game, folks! Let’s do it again next Wednesday.

I Refuse To Say This Team Name 67
Jalapeno Brownie Pizza Please 67
Orlando Doom 66
Anyone Famous Die Lately? 65
Everything Is Within Walking Distance If You Try Hard Enough 63
Prince of Whales 60
Half Our Team Left the State (Can We Have Their Ice Cream?) 58
Harvard Rejected Us So We’re Deciding Between Duke and The Dominican Republic 58
Savage Meatballs 57
Last Trivia Before Wedding 54
Blues Win! Suck It Boston! 52
Today’s My Cat’s Birthday 51
My Drinking Team Has  A Trivia Problem 50
Pipyat Liquidators 49
Mary’s Turning 30 And Feeling Flirty 48
The Wet Bandits 47
Last Trivia Before The Baby 46
When Does A Dad Joke Become A Dad Joke? When It’s A Groan Up 43
The Tie-Dye Guys 42
Sword & Sorcery For The Bonus Round 38
One Old Lady and A Bunch of Pirates 35
Eat A Salad For DJ Khaled 34

Lolla-Pop-Looza

June 17, 2019

Ah, what a Father’s Day!

Up at 6am, waking to the smell of Moira’s French Toast fritters along with her homemade asiago and chive scones. A rousing bout of Don’t Break The Ice and Cootie with Jake and Maxine, still in their pajamas. A nice long soak in the bubble bath, dressing in a hand-tailored linen suit topped off with a hula girl tie and then off to the Renaissance Faire for geek revelry and a vibe so positive it could keep me from getting health insurance due to a pre-existing condition. Afterwards, super soakers in the garden, a picnic lunch of taters, slaw and beans, and a quick dip in the neighbors’ backyard-deck hot tub (they’ll never know). Then, it was presents a-plenty and gifts galore from my nearest and dearest: a Potty Putter, The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again on Blu-ray, a gift certificate to the Piercing Pagoda, a signed copy of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight, an onion blossomer and the patented Norwegian fashion must – Socks-N-A-Basket. Such are the spoils of daddyhood. But the best was yet to come as the kids were carted off to mom and dad’s, giving Moira and I the chance to renew our vows in a very private ceremony involving crystals, body glitter, a Whee-Lo and some scrumptious dark chocolate fondue.

Y’know, it almost tops that Father’s Day in ‘99 when I was kidnapped at gunpoint, bound and gagged, and treated to the Ice Capades with the in-laws and Dan Cortese.

Hey.  I said “almost.”

Better Off Dad

June 15, 2019

Well, Father’s Day is coming up soon.

Father’s Day. The time set aside to say “Thanks, Pop!” to the guy who helped conceive you, be it one-night stand, anonymous donor or David Crosby.

Basically, a nice day to tell dad what you really think of him, to cut the big guy down to size and scream in a purple-faced rage, “I’m sick of you and your rules!” Of course, he’ll no doubt say, “You think you can take your old man?” “Yeah!” you’ll shoot back in a false bravado borne of years of intense browbeating. “I brought you into this world, you snot-nosed punk! I can take you out!” he’ll sneer. It’s a bit predictable, but he means it. After retirement, he’s only gotten more and more bitter. Sure, he claims he’s down in the basement all day working on his model trains but you smell the alcohol on his breath when he comes up for dinner. You can hear your mother’s pitiful sobs as she cries herself to sleep every night after hours of arguing, him storming out the door for a walk around the block and her screaming at him about their sham of a marriage and how he hasn’t touched her like a woman in over twenty years. You’ve read the mad ramblings in the local op-ed pages written by a so-called “concerned citizen” whose name is so obviously an anagram of his. He’s old, he’s tired, he’s pissed off at the world. He’s got nothing left to loose. Hell, he keeps that old Smith & Wesson in the hall closet. He probably wouldn’t even think twice about using it on you, his own flesh and blood. But you could just as easily give him a subtle push down the stairs. With the lights out and his bad knees, he’d hit the basement floor with enough force to snap that bony little neck of his like soggy crayon. The police wouldn’t suspect. Mom would be relieved, her misery over. She could use the insurance money to fly out to Omaha and see Aunt Rita. And you could pay off your student loans finally. Yeah, like you’re still not so freaking furious about that anyhow. You just know he saved up plenty of money over the years and could have easily sent you to the best Ivy League school, but no, no, he had to teach you some kind of “lesson” and make you work like a dog just to get your Master’s. Now, you’re in debt up to you’re eyeballs and he sits their on his fat ass watching his Weather Channel and yelling at the TV. Damn him! Damn him all to hell!!!

Um…

Or maybe you’ll just get him a tie. Or a Hickory Farms gift certificate. Yeah,yeah, that’ll do it.

June 12 Trivia Rankings

June 13, 2019

Huzzah! It finally happened! The indyweek made me a real boy! Or something like that. As metaphors go, it’s not my best (apologies).

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Thanks to all the Quizlings who made it happen. We will continue to thank you and reward you as much as we can and, while it is far too early to think about this kinda stuff, dare I hope for a twopeat?

Anyway, we gave you some free grub and some wild, weird trivia. There were some Dunkin Donuts gift cards as well (and there will be more in future). So keep coming back, spread the word and don’t miss a single week!

What’d we talk about? How to properly play Uno, for starters. Then there was something about some planetary opposition and a Tony-winning meth dealer. Oh, and there was this ASMR commercial…

Now here are the team rankings. See you next time, Quizlings!

Best Of Babeeeee 68
Meatballs And Sadness 67
Taylor Swif’ts Apostrophe Catastrophe 66
Jake Chilliny’all 64
Russian Bots Won It For Sparky 64
Board Of Educaton 63
Best Of The Δ 63
We Can’t Agree 62
Suck It, Growler Grlz 60
Winner! Winner! Pizza Dinner! 59
Triviavengers 57
Socrates’ Closet 56
The Luke Ness Monster Lives 56
The US WNT Scores More Than We Will 55
Daenerys Did Nothing Wrong 55
The Salads Are’t Bad Either 52
The People Person’s Paper People 49
The Loneliest Number 48
A Team Has No Name 48
If We’re Not First, We’re Last 47
Now Indy Knows What We All Knew 38
It’s Megan’s Birthday 31

Party Girl

June 10, 2019

My sister had a slumber party for her 14th birthday and I, being the pain-in-the-ass little brother I was, tried to spy on them by hiding in her closet. Unfortunately, by the time the girls finished lip-synching to side A of the Go Gos Beauty and the Beat, I realized I had to pee and tried to sneak out. Of course, my sister’s friends caught me and they put make-up on me and dressed me in a bra and panties and forced me dance around like a stripper. It was humiliating.

Yet, in retrospect, kinda hot.

The Missing Post

June 7, 2019

I was creating a post the other morning. Early in the morning or very late at night, depending on how you measure your circadian rhythms. I had an idea for some bit that I thought would amuse. But, you see, I was very tired. VERY tired. And I fell asleep while typing in the post. When I woke up, all that I had entered was the title: Fishy. And I had no idea what the post was. Couldn’t even recall the topic. “Fishy?” I don’t fish, so it had to be some ironic twist on something having to do with fish or seafood or something. I wracked my brain to no avail. Nothing. The post was gone. I moved the nascent Flehmen Response item to trash and went to bed.

Yet, in the intervening days, I’ve wondered if it was just that simple. Did weariness get the best of me, causing me to fall asleep and forget what would have been without a doubt a hilarious piece of online comedy? That’s the obvious answer. But I’m sure it was more insidious than that. What if I inadvertently stumbled upon a post so fiendishly clever and mirth-inducing that it caused people to go mad and governments to fall and suns to explode and universal chaos and terror and disaster and future me came back in time and roofied my Nesquik, knocking me out and erasing my memory of this über-post? Okay, sure, Occam’s Razor and all that crap but can you prove that it didn’t happen that way? Nope, ‘course not.

Hmmm. Fishy indeed.