Archive for July, 2015

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (All Dessert Edition)

July 31, 2015

Five British Desserts

Spotted Dick

Blancmange

Windsor Wimple

Flummery

Queen’s Buns

Five Ways To Weaponize a Muffin

Set it on fire and fling it over a wall

Bake around spring-loaded steel spikes

Drop it from the thermosphere onto unsuspecting populace

Subject to 500 rem of radiation and leave at a brunch

Mutate it into a flesh-devouring life form

Five Presidential Dessert Quotes

“Ich bin ein Berliner.” – Kennedy

“The only thing to fritter is fritter itself.” – FDR

“Four scones and seven éclairs ago.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this waffle.” – Reagan

“I don’t care if it’s my third Baked Alaska – I’m the president and I’ll have as many as I damn well want!” – William Howard Taft

Five Desserts That Could Be Stripper Names

Parfait

Ladyfinger

Turkish Delight

Marzipan

Treacle Tart

Five Cookie Bands

Ace of Biscotti

The Doors-Si-Dos

Oreo Speedwagon

Macaroon 5

Panic at Nabisco

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July 29 Trivia Rankings

July 29, 2015

I scream! You scream! We all scream for trivia!

Or something like that.

So summer songs and bad customer service were key if you wanted to win the big prize. (And for the record, Time Warner Cable does have crappy customer service, I don’t care what any poll says.)

Now here are the rankings for the evening (tiebreakers factored in)…

Baby Cora’s First Trivia Night 70
Where In The World Is Mullah Omar? 68
I’m Back! 67
Seven And Counting 67
If You Cheat, Tom Brady Will Destroy Your Cell Phone 64
Bathtubs: 2, Bobbi Brown: 0 63
Don’t Float The Mainstream 62
The Cowardly Lion Killers 60
Rip Cecil #LionLivesMatter 59
Thing One 59
Banana Hammocks Everywhere 57
Full Code 57
I Still Use Napster 57
Scar Didn’t Have To Pay 50 Grand 56
I Came All The Way From New York For A Brownie 56
How Can You Be Bankrupt If Your Name Is 50cent? 56
Taylor Gang 56
Too Hot For A Clever Name 56
Thing Two 55
Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader (Because We Brought One) 55
The Never Nudes 55
Hot Dogs Or Legs 53
Wet Hot Albanian Summer 52
The Dentist Hunters 52
Zed’s dead, Baby 52
Team Stauffer 44
Free Windows Upgrade? I Want Stained Glass 42
The Healers 41
Peanut Butter And Jealous 30

Night Heirs

July 28, 2015

I was woken up at about 4:30 this morning by muffled cries coming from my son Jake’s room. I grabbed the cricket bat I keep by the nightstand and rushed in, expecting to find him half out the window in the midst of an alien abduction or something. Instead, he was just sitting there, rocking back and forth on his bed, tears streaming down his face. He picked up his pillow and screamed into it and I sat down and asked him what the problem was. He just looked at me through red eyes and said – in pretty much the same voice that kid in the Sixth Sense used to tell Bruce Willis he saw dead people – Who would win in a fight – a bear with an assault rifle or shark with a hand grenade? I got up, went downstairs, poured him a glass of water, came back up and gave it to him. It’s moments like this that I’d like to comfort myself with the knowledge that he’s adopted or that Moira was unfaithful but I can’t avoid the stone cold fact that he’s mine and my genetic code runs through his DNA like a bacteria-resistant infection. “The bear,” I told him. “I worked it out in storyboard last week. I’ll show you tomorrow. Now, go to sleep. You’ve got ice skating drills in a few hours.” Armed with the solution to his dilemma, he settled in and was fast asleep as soon as he fell back onto the Adventure Time bedsheets.  Yep, my boy all right. I can always recognize my particular brand of wacko.

Speak Up!

July 27, 2015

“Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.” — Josh Billings

Which is why mimes make such great defense attorneys.

Wienerific!

July 24, 2015

Even a vegetarian like myself has to admit that this is pretty cool…

Although I can’t afford enough antivirus software to allow myself to even contemplate Googling “Wiener Rover.”

July 22 Trivia Night Rankings

July 23, 2015

Good night of fun trivia, Quizlings. We learned about some famous moms and learned that “Guam” is rarely the answer.

Thanks for hanging with us for a few hours. We’ll be back next week with more trivia. Join us, please.

Now, here are the rankings (with tiebreakers factored in)…

French Scrabble Champs 65
Somewhere Uber The Rainbow 64
Duh, My Dog Knew That But Didn’t Speak 64
Paddle Faster, I Hear Banjos 62
2 Legit 2 Quit 62
Only Trivia Could Make Me Miss Sharknado 3 61
867-5309 (Lindsey) 60
Fancy Flamingos 60
iWatched Apple Drop (DQ) 58
DNR 58
The Dog Days Of Summer 56
I Wrecked My Car To Be Here 55
Today Is Pi Approximation Day, You’re Welcome 55
Momo Mamas 54
Androgynous Rex 52
See You At Target 51
Kicking The Habit 51
Cover Your Asset With A Chastity Bustle 51
Divorce Lawyers Hack Ashley Madison 51
Our PCVs 51
She’s Got Bette Davis Eyes 49
B&T 48
You Know Nothing, Jon Snow 44
If I Don’t Score My Age, I’m Retiring 42
We Couldn’t Come Up With Anything 42
Off In The Shower 40
DNI 37

The Name Lame 2015

July 18, 2015

Nameberry, the baby name website, has released the most popular baby names for the first half of 2015. Now let me say, what with the preponderance of hip Gen X names likes Britney and Madison and Blane and Shane and Trane and all, I’d kind of given up hope that any kid born after 1995 would have a name that wasn’t going to get his or her arse kicked at recess. Nonetheless, I’m honestly at a loss for what’s going on here.

See for yourself.

Girls:

  1. Selfie
  2. Anaconda
  3. Gone Girl
  4. Roku
  5. Sochi
  6. Ebola
  7. Maleficent
  8. Nae Nae
  9. Spotify
  10. Candy Crush

Boys:

  1. Groot
  2. Magic Mike
  3. Sharknado
  4. American Ninja
  5. Smaug
  6. Trump
  7. Batman
  8. Bro
  9. Pharrell
  10. Dude

Do we need a law, people? I’m thinking, yeah, maybe we do.

July 15 Trivia Rankings

July 16, 2015

Woo hoo!  Full crowd o’ Quizlings, ice cream treats and more Pluto love than you can shake a Kuiper belt at. What’s not to like?

How it all shakes out is noted below. Thanks for hanging with us, folks. Let’s do it again next week.

July 15, 2015 Trivia Rankings

Next Time, You Put The Trousers On The Chimp 65
Keep Our Table Clean 64
Two Of Clubs, Your Order Is Ready. Two Of Clubs 63
How Do You say “Shawshank” in Spanish? 60
Winnie The Pooch 60
We (heart) Pluto 59
Half Our Team Is At A Prime Day Celebration 59
Plutonic Love 57
Yesterday, It Was My Birthday. Can I Please Have A Brownie? 56
I Find This Humerus 54
The Benchwarmers 53
Your Mama’s So Mean She Has No Standard Deviation 53
Ayatollah … The Nuclear Deal Is The Reason Iran 51
Octopus Prime 49
Left Shark’s Revenge 49
[Insert Sparky Approved Team Name Here] 49
Dear NASA, Your Mom Thought I Was Big Enough, Sincerely, Pluto 48
ESPY-ionage 48
We Won The ESPY For Worst Team Name 48
Generic Team Name 47
Trump It Up To A Bad Hair Decade 47
Beer Makes Smart 47
Pluto Is Still A Planet To Us 47
The Mighty-chondria 46
Donald 2016: There Will Be Hell Toupee 45
Poop Troop 45
Just The Two Of Us 43
Well, 2 Out Of 8 Ain’t Bad 43
Watches We Don’t Need Know Stinkin’ Watches 39
Tequila Mockingbird 32
Pluto Got A Probe Before Uranus 27
Go Hokies 27 (incomplete)

Help Less

July 14, 2015

I keep seeing this commercial for some organization out to help third world children. They’re not breaking any new molds; the doom and gloom pleas of “only YOU can help” have been around since Sally Struthers first peeled an onion. But they always irk me for their basic disingenuity. For instance, in the ad I keep seeing, there’s some kid from Paraguay named Jose (the name and the country have been changed to protect the innocent, but primarily because I don’t remember them exactly) who’s getting water from a puddle that looks like it was defecated in by fraternity pledges with the type of stomach virus that makes Legionnaires Disease look like sour belly. The announcer plaintively intones, “Who will help Jose?” And all I can do is scream at the screen, “How about the damn cameraman?! HE’S RIGHT THERE!!!”

Shark Wink

July 10, 2015

Since the buggers have been in the news a lot lately, I wanted to compile my five favorite comedy sketches about sharks … the problem is only four of them are online.

Still, I shall not be daunted! Here they are, Sparky Mac’s Five Favorite Comedy Sketches About Sharks.

 

5) Jaws, “The Whitest Kids U’Know”

It’s a slow build but the joke caught me off guard (and I’m still laughing about it).

 

4) Shark Talk, “The Martin Short Show”

Admittedly, I haven’t seen this since it originally aired back in 1994 on a show so short-lived (Are you kidding me? Did I just make an unintentional pun so bad I want to smack myself? Yes, I did.) I have doubts even the star remembers he did it. Still, the one sketch that always stood out to me was a group of sharks standing around, just talking. Okay, yeah, it was some guys in shark costumes, but it’s sketch comedy so go with it. They reference something and one of them makes an awkward, trying-to-fit-in remark and the others do a double take and scream, “He’s a dolphin! Get him!” Or words to that effect. (Hey, since it’s not online, you can’t see if I’ve misremembered or not.)

 

3) Swim With A Shark, “That Mitchell And Webb Look”

If you’ve ever wanted to swim with the sharks, don’t rent a cage from this guy.

 

2) Skoora, “The Kids In The Hall”

Don’t blame him … he blames himself.

 

1) Land Shark, “Saturday Night Live”

See it on Yahoo Screen.

Okay, technically, it’s called “Jaws II” but it’s the grandfather of all shark sketches and it’s freakin’ awesome. Even when they repeated the gag in subsequent shows, they never beat it into the ground like, a-hem, a dozen characters or ideas that SNL overused in the decades since.