Archive for June, 2017

Sick Leave

June 30, 2017

In my fourth grade class, this kid everyone hated got sick. It was like mono or something. And he had to stay home for several months. We were all glad because, as I said, we didn’t like him. He was a bit of a bully and would often act out during story time or recess and we’d all get yelled at and have to lay our heads on our desks and have a time out. Thing was, the teacher made us all make Get Well cards. I made mine a word search with phrases like “you stink” and “I hate you” and “die” hidden in among “feel better” and “eat soup” and the like. He never came back to school although his mom did send a note saying thank you to most of the class for their nice words. I used to think I was responsible for his not returning but I later found out he had simply missed too much class and had to repeat the grade. Still, I took credit for it and was the hero of J. Y. Joyner Elementary for the rest of the school year!

June 28 Trivia Rankings

June 28, 2017

Another fantastic week of trivia and another close game (a tie for first and a tie for third) but some familiar faces were missing. Quizlings, I’d better see some pics of your summer holiday or hospital stay because those are the only reasons to miss the fun!

There will be trivia (and some fireworks) next Wednesday so come out and celebrate 241 years of ‘Murica.

This week, it was all about an Amazon princess, a Russian invasion and a billion dollars worth of tequila. And then there was this special appearance:

Now how’d your team do? Here are the weekly rankings…

We Won … Wait, That’s Fake News 64
20 Years Since Tyson-Holyfield Bite Fight 64
They Can Take Our Health Care But They Can Never Take Our Trivia 62
GOP Healthcare Plan = Don’t Be Sick or Poor. Duh! 62
Opie Wan Kenobi 61
The Soggy Mints 60
Russian Dolls Are So Full Of Themselves 58
Phil’s Been Knicked 58
The Qwizarding World Of Harry Potter 55
Winnie The Pooch 54
20 Years Of Avoiding Harry Potter 53
Stone Cold Jane Austen 52
Cliff Paul To Houston 49
Purple Trolls 49
The Losers Without Fidget Spinners 48
Kid Free 44
I Thought You’d Be Taller 43
Dear Mister President, About That Fake News – Love, Time Magazine 42
Rounders Starring Matt Damon 32

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

June 26, 2017

 

Five Radio-Themed Songs

The Nightfly – Donald Fagen

Pilot Of The Airwaves – Charlie Dore

WOLD – Harry Chapin

Mohammed’s Radio – Warren Zevon 

Radio RadioElvis Costello

 

Five Things I Hope Scientists Never Find Give You Cancer

Chocolate

Sex

Comic Books

British comedies

Feeling superior to idiots

 

Five Reasons to Dislike College

Campus dining

The fraternities

Tenured professors who should have retired years ago

High cost of textbooks

Your roommates

 

Five Pepperidge Farm Cookies That Could Be Stripper Names

Bordeaux

Geneva

Verona

Pirouette

Montieri

 

Five Historical Smells

Black Death Plague Pyres, 1349

Genghis Khan’s beard, 1223

Mustard gas, WWI

Cardamom, Spice Routes, 40BC

Tyrannosaurus Fart, Cretaceous Period

Impossible Dream

June 24, 2017

What’s with The Impossibles?

You know who I’m talking about, don’t you? Hanna-Barbera’s rock ‘n’ roll trio who transformed themselves into super-heroes when danger loomed. They were second-billed to Frankenstein Jr. in thirty-six animated Saturday morning adventures way back in 1966.

impossibles

There was the Spring Wonder, Coil Man. The Human Throng, Multi Man. And the Liquid Lawkeeper, Fluid Man. They would travel from town to town, performing their music, rocking the fans (of which they had many) well into the night. Or at least until they would receive a call on their guitar-phones from their super-secret boss who would alert them to some villainous menace nearby or some crime in progress. The Impossibles, as this was the name of their rock band as well, would then cut their concert short, change into their super-heroic identities and battle the bad guy.

And throughout all of this, we, the audience, were supposed to believe the Impossibles had secret identities and led super-secret lives! As if!

impossibles2

Think about that. Imagine you go to a Nickelback concert (just imagine – I don’t recommend it). You’re enjoying the tunes, thrillin’ to Photograph and the like when, all of a sudden, Nickelback stops in the middle of a song. They seem to be talking to their instruments. You think you hear them say something like “We’re on it, chief!” And they’re off – bang, like a shot. Nickelback ends their set in mid song. No explanations, no encores, no How You Remind Me. Maybe if you’re lucky, they’ll reschedule the event. It’s doubtful they’ll give you a full refund (and even if you get one, Ticketmaster gets to keep the ten dollar service charge). And, surprise of surprises, the next day in the morning papers, you read that the previous night – only a few minutes after Nickelback left the stage – the super-hero team known as Nickelback, a supergroup that has never before appeared in your town, fought and defeated a bank robber just a few miles away from the concert arena.

Can you tell me that you aren’t the least bit suspicious?! I mean, c’mon – even Lois Lane wasn’t this thick.

So, get with it, Hanna and Barbera. There is suspension of belief, granted, else all of our televisual fiction, be it animated or live action, falls to pieces, but I’m not buying this load of fish twaddle with monopoly money!

Forgive me if I demand some realism in my cartoons.

June 21 Trivia Rankings

June 21, 2017

A smaller than usual crowd this week (missing some regular Quizlings – come back soon ‘ciz we got ice cream) but the competition was fierce. A very close game, when all is said and done. And along the way we went Down Under, said “Goodnight, Moon” and met some billionaires. Then things got icy (sorry about that).

Oh and there was this invention map:

20170509-state-inventions

Now here are the rankings for the week. See you next time!

Fat, Dumb & Stupid Is No Way To Go Through Life Or Death 64
Lego My Han Solo Directors 63
McDonald’s All-American Fidget Spin Class 62
Half The People Equals Double The Ice Cream 61
Queen Brexit Hat 61
Uber: CEO Wanted: Apply Within 61
Free Ice Cream, Brownies & Pizza – Oh My! 60
Uber To CEO: We’ll Call You A Cab 59
We Came Back From Busch Gardens Early So We Could Go To Trivia 58
Hey, Alexa – Buy Me Whole Foods 58
James And The Giant Impeachment 58
Ivanka And Jerry Just Say No To Hugs 57
Team #2 45
Dennis Smith To Charlotte 40
We’re Muellering It Over 40
Laughing My Ossoff 40

Old Chum

June 20, 2017

On my ninth birthday, I was beaten with Wiffle bats by a small gang of kids who, suffice it to say, weren’t entirely happy with the choice of party favors. My dad had brought a bucket of chum and thought it would be a pretty funny idea if …

Ah, who am I kidding? I never had a ninth birthday party. I never even had a dad. All I had was that bucket of chum.

Damn, I sure miss my chum.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Father’s Day Edition)

June 17, 2017

Five People I Wished Were My Dad When I Was A Kid

Steve Douglas (Fred MacMurray on My Three Sons)

Evel Knievel

Captain Kangaroo

James Bond

Paul Lynde (yeah, I know – but at the time …)

 

Five Things My Father Never Taught Me

How to ride a bike

How to fish

How to manage my finances

The birds and the bees

How to find him when he went away

 

Five Dad Cliches

I don’t pay to heat the whole neighborhood.

Because I say so!

Go ask your mother.

I brought you into this world – I can take you out!

Let’s not tell your mom about this, okay?

 

Five of My Favorite Fathers

Father Time

Father Ted

Father Christmas

Father Guido Sarducci

Father Goose

 

Five Fictional Characters with Severe Daddy Issues

Oedipus

Hamlet

Luke Skywalker

The singer of Papa Was A Rollin’ Stone

The Huxtable Kids (totally in retrospect, of course)

 

June 14 Trivia Rankings

June 14, 2017

A lovely night for trivia, my Quizlings. We avoided the rain and got some more ice cream courtesy Tomato Jake’s. We met some new folks (and one uber-cute canine), reminisced about 2006 in television and gave one lucky teen a gift for her dad he’ll never forget!

And there was this magnificent moment of celeb awkwardness…

Now here are the rankings for the week. See you next time!

Scratch Roma Oregano 66
Happy Birthday, Lon 63
The Batcave Is Empty 61
It Would Not Be Appropriate To Answer Trivia Questions In This Setting 60
Muelling Over Emoluments 58
Your Upcoming Auditors 58
Courts In Sessions 53
A Girlfriend, Her Boyfriend And The Side Chick 52
All Boats Are Submarines If You Try Hard Enough 49
Miss Chanandler Bong 49
Lavar’s Balls 47
Katie Won’t Come up With A Name 47
Comey Don’t Play That 46
We Left Our Team Name In Our Other Pants 45
Avengers 42
The Outpost 33
Broke Dad And The Hungry Teenagers 32
#1 Pick 27

The Rain Explained, Humanely Simians Trained

June 12, 2017

Did it rain in Oz? It must have. They had agriculture (thus, a need for scarecrows) and even though some of the flora talked it nonetheless needed the same things plants do here – sunlight, oxygen and water. Okay, so if it rains in Oz then the Wicked Witch of the West can’t go outside when it rains. Basic premise, given, and that’s probably why she has all those trained flying monkeys. “Fly, my monkeys, and go down to the corner shop and pick up some malt liquor, a Soap Opera Digest and a lotto scratch off!” So, buying into the fact that it rains, she can’t go out, she sends the monkeys, I’m just going out on a limb here when I say that castle must have really reeked during the rainy season what with the musty smell of wet monkey permeating the upholstery.

Here’s hoping the Wizard had the Febreeze market cornered.

American Piety

June 10, 2017

Face it, all you low rent prayer monkeys. If your church is in a strip mall or industrial park, then you’re just a hop skip and a jump away from sacrificing livestock or handling snakes.

Sorry. Someone had to say it.