Archive for February, 2014

Who Was That Masked Man?

February 28, 2014

I saw this picture of LeBron James wearing some mask to protect a broken nose and all I could think of was …

Mask

WORST SECRET IDENTITY EVER.

Seriously. If this was a comic book, it’d be like, “Hey, isn’t it funny how LeBron is never around when the Heat Man shows up? You don’t think …? Naaaah!”

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Isle Be Seeing You

February 27, 2014

Sometimes I have this dream – well, fantasy really – that I’m stranded on a deserted island. I dunno how. Shipwreck or plane crash or something, maybe I get a job with FedEx like Tom Hanks in that movie.

Anyway, I see a boat in the distance. It’s a small craft and it’s piloted by one person and one person only. He sees my signal fire and steers over to the island. I swim out to meet the boat and climb aboard.

When I get on deck I find out the captain of this little ship is none other than the person who invented those shoes with the roller skates in the heel that some kids wear. So I quickly kill him, leave his body for the sharks to eat, and sail back to civilization where I’m hailed as a hero.

Not one of my top ten desert island fantasies, mind you (most of those involve the female cast of the USA series Suits) but it’s one I often drift off to sleep pondering. Ah, sweet dreams.

Cat Power Pop

February 25, 2014

For a dose of WTF merged with “Awwww!” here’s – well, I don’t really know what the hell it is. It purports to be an advert for a mobile company but I don’t care about that. I do know it is definitely awesome!

What the – ? Damned If Fido

February 23, 2014

wedgies11.jpg

This is an actual dog treat. Apparently made by people who were never picked on as kids. What?  Was Swirly co-opted by Friskies? Was Purple Nurple taken by Purina?

And what’s really obscene is this little tag:

wedgies1.jpg

“Kids love giving ’em, dogs love getting ’em?” I seriously doubt dogs would love a wedgie. Of course, if they’ve been neutered, it’s not like it’s gonna hurt anything. But still…

Does the SPCA know about this?

People I Hate #704 (In A Series)

February 21, 2014

Who: The guy who adds extra numbers when counting your exercises.

Why: He’s a P.E. teacher or a personal trainer and he’s putting you through your paces. “Gimme 50 sit-ups,” he says and starts counting. All seems fair and above board until you get within spitting distance of the finishing line and suddenly he’s all, like, “45 … 46 … 47 … 48 … 49 … 49 … 49 … FIFTY!” Yeah, we get it, Bruiser – you added some more numbers in there kinda surreptitious like so’s we wouldn’t notice. But hey – he was doing it to ease us into better health so it’s completely noble, right? NO! It makes him a total dick on a power trip.

How I justify it: At best, it’s unwanted teasing, at worst he’s a bully who’s being paid to abuse you. Either way, he’s fitter than you are so you can’t do anything but seethe and stew in your own flabby resentment and rage.

The John Lock Foundation

February 20, 2014

I know we’re all gonna have disparate opinions on most things. People are different, I get that. Tomato, toe-mah-tow, yep – that’s a basic tenet of life. One man’s chocolate is another’s vanilla,  granted. I honestly, truly, implicitly understand that there are different sides to the same story and people think differently and not everyone believes the same thing I do and – I get it, okay, let’s stop belaboring the point!

But can we at least all come together on one thing and each and every one of us acknowledge that it is our solemn duty to – as members of a shared society – LOCK THE DAMN BATHROOM DOOR WHEN YOU’RE IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM?!

It’ll just avoid a lot of needless embarrassment is all I’m sayin’.

Cheese and Crackups

February 17, 2014

I like this ad for Velveeta Cheesy Skillets …

But I can’t help thinking this dude’s teen years must have been incredibly awkward and problematic.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Winter Olympics Edition)

February 15, 2014

Five Rejected Winter Olympic Games

Cross-Country Skedaddling

Dodging the Yellow Snow

Loogie

Snowbroading

Bi-Curious-Athlon

 

Five Winter Olympic Crushes

Anna Sidrova

Julia Mancuso

Olga Graf

Lolo Jones

Zaika the Doe Hare

 

Five Other Eye Conditions Bob Costas Has

Astigmatism

Keratitis

Stye

Blepharospasm

Squigglevision

 

Five Rarely-Used Shaun White Nicknames

The Flying Episcopalian

Tony Hawk On Ice

The Carlsbadass

Snow White

Frosty the Bro-Man

 

Five Sochi Travel Slogans

No need to slow down – everybody’s Russian here!

Flush your troubles goodbye (only not down our toilets, please).

It’s a dog-gone good time!

Putin on the Ritz!

Our water may look disgusting but it’s safer than West Virginia’s.

All Heart

February 14, 2014

It’s funny. Valentine’s Day is all about giving your heart to someone. But what a double standard! I mean, really. It’s all fine and dandy to paste together some pink and red construction paper in the shape of some cartoonish butt-topped ice cream cone. Sure, the chicks go all crazy over that, even though it looks like it was slapped together by some pre-K glue eater. But hey, try and make the metaphor manifest by plucking some still-beating cardiac muscle from the chest of a sacrificial beast and leave it in a sticky pool of steaming blood on your beloved’s doorstep and the next thing you know it’s all shrieks and name calling and restraining orders!

I tell ya, some people got no sense of what a holiday is all about!

22 Ski Doo

February 12, 2014

Biathlon? Cross country skiing with guns?! Honestly, Winter Olympics, s’bad enough you expect us to take snowboarding and skeleton seriously…  you don’t have to let in every pastime that was thrown together by a drunken Icelander. That’s how curling got started.