Archive for October, 2014

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Halloween Edition)

October 31, 2014

 

Five Ways To Make Trick or Treaters Love You

Let kids grab as much candy as they want

Give out full sized candy bars

Cover house with Halloween decorations & play scary music

Give out eggs and directions to your enemies’ houses

Have hot mom in low-cut costume bend over when handing out candy

 

Five Costume Mash-up Ideas

Jennifer Lawrence of Arabia

Grumpy Cat in the Hat

Iron Manilow

Smokey Bear Grylls

Jay Cutler and Silent Bob Costas

 

Five Unfortunate Halloween Activities

Making mummy costumes out of toilet paper

Refilling the carved pumpkins

Having kids trade in their candy for hugs from a stranger

Bobbing for retainers

Eating Count Chocula alone in the dark and crying

 

Five Bad Halloween Experiences

Rain, couldn’t go trick or treating – 6th grade

Bullies stole my candy – 2nd grade

Egged ex’s house & got caught by her drill sergeant dad – senior year

Sliced finger off carving pumpkin – 9th grade

Neighborhood kids mocked my Hello Kitty costume – last year

 

Five Bad Ideas For Horror Movies

Jason Vorhees opens B&B with life partner Chad

Angsty teen vampires

…and on the door was a bloody hoop!

The zombies are a metaphor for … ah, really, who gives a crap?

Young girl possessed by Santana

 

All work and no play makes Sparky a dull boy.

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MY TOP 5 SCARIEST MOVIES

October 30, 2014

In honor of Halloween, I thought it apropos to talk about a genre of film I normally don’t give two hoots for – the horror film or “scary movie.” Not that there’s anything wrong with a good spooky flick, it’s just not what floats my particular celluloid boat. See, I have a pretty active imagination, so I’ll see even the tamest scary movie (Blair Witch Project, for example) and get unnerved by every creak and noise I hear in the apartment late at night for weeks on end. It’s just not worth it.

So, anyway, here’s a trip fown the macabre memory lane that is MY TOP 5 SCARIEST MOVIES.

5. Psycho. While some might argue (I would) that it isn’t a horror film but a prime example of Hitchcockian suspense, it is still a perfectly well-executed slasher flick. If you watch it and don’t make double damn sure that bathroom door is locked the next time you take a shower then you aren’t human. (more…)

Dirty Laundry

October 28, 2014

I saw a letter in one of those Ann Landers-like columns last week, forget which one, one of the many that seemed to have popped up since the long-running columnist’s death. Anyway, it was from a woman who has concerned because her husband was upset that their son wanted to dress up as one of the Powerpuff Girls for Halloween. The wife thought that the son should be allowed to be what he pleased as it was simply make-believe fun. The father, of course, was outraged that his son would want to be a “girl” and wanted to force him to be something more masculine, like a fireman or a soldier.

Well, I can’t say I remember the columnist’s response to this missive but I will say this for what it’s worth…

For crying out loud, mom! Will you stop airing our family squabbles in the syndicated press?! And tell dad I’m a bloody adult now and I’ll be whatever I damn well want for Halloween!

Jeez. Is it any wonder I wish I was adopted?

Plumb Crazy

October 26, 2014

I don’t know why but I suddenly remembered this bit from The Electric Company I saw when I was a kid. Of course, it’s online so here it is.

Trick Cur Treat

October 24, 2014

I’ve seen a lot of people dressing their dogs up in costumes lately. A Halloween thing, don’tcha know. Usually these nunderchucks wait until Christmas to adorn their cards with snaps of Fido wearing antlers and Ruff in a Santa suit, but now it seems hip to stress out puppy with a pumpkin parka or a skeleton hoodie. 

Yeah, alright. Go ahead. Keep it up. Embarrass your canine. Make a mug of your mutt. Push poochie past the breaking point. 

You may think it’s cute and all to have man’s best friend decked out in festive, seasonal garb but we’ll see who’s laughing when Cujo’s treating your jugular like a Milkbone.

“I will take my humiliation out of your flesh in bloody chunks.”

Grate Pumpkin

October 22, 2014

Seriously. How can you not be ready for Halloween now? That was so bloody awesome. I just want it on an endless loop, played now until November 1st.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (1970s Edition)

October 20, 2014

[The following is a piece I originally wrote back in 1979 on my old ARPANET site: “Sparky’s Far Out Dy-no-mite Funkadelic Super Rockin’ Heavy Scene”]

 

Five TV Characters Cooler Than The Fonz

Vinnie Barbarino

Buck Rogers

Venus Flytrap

The White Shadow

Tie: Bo Duke / Luke Duke

 

Five Trends That Need To Go Away

Pet Rocks

Disco

CB Radios

Pong

Stagflation

 

Five Foxy Ladies I’d Marry Now If They Asked

Lynda Carter

Linda Ronstadt

Loni Anderson

Olivia Newton-John

All Of Charlie’s Angels (Except Sabrina)

 

Five Lessons Learned Due To The Energy Crisis

OPEC is an acronym that stands for … something

You meet sexier chicks on odd number gas days

A Buick LeSabre might not have been the best choice for a fuel efficient vehicle

Carter looks dorky in a sweater

If the price of gas ever goes over 75 cents, civilization will collapse

 

Five Reasons I’m Looking Forward To The ‘80s

The sequel to Star Wars

The Knack’s next album will be even better than their first

The US will kick ass at the 1980 Summer Olympics

With the coming of the Space Shuttle, moon cities can’t be far away

Jon Anderson will be the best president we’ve ever had!

A Pop Quiz Totals

October 18, 2014

Thanks to everyone who came out to play a good game of trivia at the Durham Armory last night. The Achievement Academy of Durham put together a great fundraiser and I was proud to be a part of it. Congrats to the winners but congrats to everyone for being good sports and having a great time.

If you enjoyed the Sparky Mac trivia experience, join me every week at Tomato Jake’s for Wednesday Night Trivia.

Now here are the totals, tiebreakers factored in.

#WINNING 43 points
TRITE & TRUE (Formerly OC Invaders) 38 points
BURCH AVE 37 points
ACHIEVEMENT 2014 37 points
CAROLINA ROLLERGIRLS 36 points
FLOUNDER FILLETS 35 points
PETER EARNS HIS STRIPES 35 points
SMARTY PANTTERS 35 points
STONE / WALKER 34 points
ALISA MUELLECK & CREWE (Spoonflower) 34 points
TEAM T-REX 33 points
THE OLDWEATHERS 33 points
DINOSAUR PANTS 32 points
WORKSMART 32 points
FLORIDA/NC LINE 31 points
ABBY PARCEL 30 points
OUROBOROSITY 30 points
BOOTS 29 points
TRABKA / DIAS 29 points
WHERE IN THE WORLD IS KIM JUNG UN? 28 points
SANFORD MMP NUMBER ONE 28 points
DRUNKEN DESPERADOES 27 points
JET PIGS 27 points

 

Pumpkin Bye

October 16, 2014

Can we just STOP IT with the giant pumpkins?

Every autumn, these yokels make the rounds at fall festivals and state and county fairs, showing off their mega-produce. They gush over the care and tending of their large charges. Pumpkins the size of small cars. 1200 pounds!1500 pounds!1800 pounds! ENOUGH!

You can’t eat them or carve them, I don’t think. As far as I know, they exist solely as monuments to a gardener’s vanity and ego, perhaps even a Freudian show of overcompensation. And they are completely pissing me off! So stop it! Just bloody stop it!

You should be so ashamed. Even Linus Van Pelt would be sickened by this gross display of excess.

Doing the French Mistake!

October 13, 2014

As a kid, I used to think that a French kiss was a like regular kiss but with syrup, the way French toast was like regular toast but with syrup. Sure, it sounds quaint and adorable now, but lemme tell you – it made for some awkward first dates when I was a teenager.