Archive for September, 2013

Kids Today…

September 29, 2013

Whatever happened to Libby the Kid? (That’s Billy the Kid spelled sideways, sort of.) I mean, back in the 70s, he was always around, touting those Libbyland dinners on TV. Then – bam! Nothing.

I heard a rumour that he got into a drunken knifefight with Twinkie the Kid at Studio 54 and died. If anyone knows, drop me a line. I mean, I know Mr. Bubble is living in a retirement home in Boca Raton and Mr. Salty is buried in Arlington and the Frito Bandito was deported and King Vitamin – well, the less said about that megalomaniacal schmuck, the better…

But Libby the Kid? Man. Whatever happened to him?

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Bruce Springsteen Stole My Wife

September 27, 2013

At first, I didn’t think much of it. A poster of Bruce on our bedroom wall, a few strains of Dancing In The Dark belted out during long, hot, steamy showers. It all seemed innocent enough. I mean, I have my Rick Springfield obsession; why should I think twice about anyone liking a rock legend? But then came the albums and CDs and songbooks and DVD of videos. And why was the 2009 Super Bowl suddenly listed as DO NOT DELETE on the DVR? Then, casually, without suspicion: “I have a business trip next week in Austin.” Hmmm. According to VH1, that’s where Bruce was kicking off his Wrecking Ball tour at SXSW. Coincidence? It has to be. Then the subsequent trips… a sick aunt in Tampa… a cousin’s wedding in Boston … a high school reunion in Philadelphia (she’s not even from Philly!) … all following the Springsteen tour schedule. The final straw? Well, as if that Patti Scialfa dartboard wasn’t enough, I casually mentioned starting my own business, saying I’d like to be my own boss, when she flipped out, held a butcher knife to my block and tackle and screamed, “There’s only ONE Boss!  And you’ll NEVER be HIM!” Oh, sure, the divorce lawyer says it’s all circumstantial but I know the truth and it’s killing me. I mean, how the hell am I supposed cope with this? It’s like – it’s like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley through the middle of my soul … what the bloody hell?! Damn you, Springsteen! You are the source of all my woes but only you can truly give voice to my pain. 

Bruce Springsteen, You Stole My Wife!”

A New Lease On Lie

September 25, 2013

I needed to rent a car a while back and I called around and hey, interesting thing here – Enterprise would not pick me up.  Their commercials say they will, but from my experience … eh, not so much. Not saying that Enterprise is a lying sack, I’m just suggesting that maybe that slogan “We’ll pick you up” might want some amending to something a little more along the lines of accurate like “We’ll pick you up … sometimes” or “We’ll pick you up if we’re in the neighborhood, bra” or maybe “We’ll pick you up if the mood hits us so stop griping about it and just get off our #$%ing backs!” Just saying.

Monkees’ Lib

September 23, 2013

In celebration of Behind the Candelabra which won a – gee, I was about to say buttload of awards but I’m sure I would have gotten hate mail. Regardless, since Liberace’s story was victorious I thought I’d share a little-known chapter of the entertainer’s life. More of a footnote, really, but interesting nonetheless.

Witness then, if you will, Liberace’s cameo on The Monkees

Crying Uncle

September 22, 2013

My 13th birthday fete at Pizza Inn and my Uncle Aidan, one of the few adult chaperones, decides it’s a good idea to entertain the Tweeners with a rousing chorus of Danny Boy. My first boy/girl party and the drunken lout’s ridiculous actions forevermore label me as an outcast at West Millbrook Junior High. Although, to be fair, the headgear, rock tumbler obsession, Thundercats bookbag and photo of me with the chess club in the yearbook pretty much had that covered already.

People I Hate #189 (In A Series)

September 20, 2013

Who: The teacher who punishes the whole class for the actions of one kid.

Why: It’s nothing more than a power trip enacted by an impotent overlord attempting to mask insufficient training due to a system lacking in true checks and balances and ceding actual justice to the crudest form of reactionary sanction and emotional retribution.

How I justify it: Mrs. Canterbury’s fourth grade class when Simon Spencer threw a paper airplane at the blackboard when old Mrs. Canterbury’s back was turned and she called us a bunch of “spoiled, snot-nosed brats” and said she was counting the days until retirement and then made us all stay after school and bang erasers together even though pretty much everyone eagerly turned jail yard snitch and pointed out Simon as the culprit because he was a jerk at recess and we couldn’t stand him. Y’know I read in the newspaper a few years back that Mrs. Canterbury died and I had to actively fight the urge to drive to the cemetery where she was buried and dance on her bloody grave. I’m not proud of that but I think most people would understand.

Smack Talk

September 18, 2013

Kiss me, I’m Irish!  

Okay, so I’m not Irish, but it is my birthday.

Alright, it’s not my birthday either, but … ah …

Just pucker up, baby!

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

September 16, 2013

Five Worse Batman Choices Than Affleck

Gilbert Gottfried

Clay Aiken

John Boehner

The Guy Who Played Hurley on Lost

Matthew Lesko (although perfect for The Riddler)

 

Five Game Shows In Hell

The $10,000 Pyromaniac

Family Food

The Price Is Right Up Your Arse

Bowling for Dollar-Sized Lesions

Wait Wait … Don’t Kill Me!

 

Five Ridiculously Stupid Powerball Number Picks

1 1 1 1 1 1

2¾ 1¼ 13½ 10¾ 23¼ π

90210

The square root of negative two

8675309 (Jenny Jenny)

 

Five Things I Shouted Watching Sunday Night’s “Breaking Bad”

No!

He’s under the car!

Son of a bitch!

Crap! She’s got a knife!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Five Little-Used Personal Ad Abbreviations

CO – Cronut Obsessed

WANEGBT – We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

FLAO – Flo Lookalikes Only

LMLMCT – Love Me, Love My Conjoined Twin

AKACD – AKA Carlos Danger (Anthony Weiner Only)

She-poopi

September 13, 2013

I honestly don’t know what to make of this and I am extremely embarrassed to admit that I’m slightly turned on by the hottie on the crapper.

Sick Leave

September 12, 2013

In my fourth grade class, this kid everyone hated got sick. It was like mono or something. And he had to stay home for several months. We were all glad because, as I said, we didn’t like him. He was a bit of a bully and would often act out during story time or recess and we’d all get yelled at and have to lay our heads on our desks and have a “time out.” Thing was, the teacher made us all make “Get Well” cards. I made mine a word search with phrases like “you stink” and “I hate you” and “die” hidden in among “feel better” and “eat soup” and the like. He never came back to school although his mom did send a note saying thank you to “most” of the class for their nice words. I used to think I was responsible for his not returning but I later found out he had simply missed too much class and had to repeat the grade. Still, I took credit for it and was the hero of J. Y. Joyner Elementary for the rest of the school year!