Archive for June, 2014

Astrologeez

June 29, 2014

If you were born today, your Zodiac sign is Cancer (June 21st thru July 22nd). 

Man, talk about bad omens! What kind of astrological sign is that to saddle a body with? You might as well say you were born under the sign of Tumor or Psittacosis or Lou Gehrig’s Disease

Bloody hell! I’d rather be one of those creepy Moon Children.

Nuts

June 27, 2014

I can’t be the only one who’s disturbed by this…

Let’s just say the last thing I want to think of when I’m eating a candy bar is nudity, especially of the scrotal variety.

The Name Game

June 25, 2014

The most annoying thing on earth? My vote is for when you pose the innocent question, “What’s your name?” and someone snaps back, “Puddentame. Ask me again I’ll tell you the same.” Dead annoying when it happens on the playground at recess in 2nd grade. A real good reason for an arse kicking when the new temp tries it at a departmental meeting in front of your boss. 

Seriously, that slackjawed son of a bitch better watch his back or I will make his life a living misery.

Past Imperfect

June 23, 2014

I was going through some storage boxes in the back closet earlier and I found my old retainer and headgear and a couple of pairs of those Coke-bottle-lens glasses I wore back in junior high school (hell, I thought they were novelty specs for a second) and I was suddenly transported back to teenage years so awkward the geeks in chess club who played D&D and ran their rock tumblers nonstop could hold their heads high, secure in the knowledge that at least they weren’t me.

Mustard Gastrointestinal

June 21, 2014

Sometimes the ad guys get it right and sometimes … well, sometimes THIS happens…

Apparently it took Grey Poupon 30 years to realize that their product sounded scatalogical. That would be fine in and of itself but they had to go and make a commercial about it. I’m sure they thought it would be charming (like K-Mart’s Ship My Pants campaign) but basically they’re just saying, “Our mustard is shite.”

Period Piece

June 19, 2014

Ah, yes … I remember my first Moon Party…

Spirited Away

June 18, 2014

When I was a kid, some friends thought it would be cool to try and contact the spirit world. But instead of a Ouija board, all we could afford was a Weezie board. And the only spirit we could contact kept telling us that we would be moving on up … moving on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky

It was still pretty damn scary, I gotta tell you.

VIC-tim of Loathe

June 16, 2014

To the guy at Harris Teeter who wanted to borrow my VIC card: Get your own, you bastard! What? You think they’re hard to come by or something? They give the things away like an Eastern Bloc hooker gives away crabs! If you forgot yours, well, sod off again; I’m not your own personal wallet. Maybe next time you’ll remember. Ooooh, sorry I couldn’t go out of my way to help save you that ten cents on your President’s Choice soda. And it’s not like the damn cards aren’t anything more than a devious way to track every granola bar and rice cake you purchase. Rest assured, it’s bad enough that I have data entry clerks at the Hairy Teeter home office knowing I’m addicted to tater tots; I sure as hell don’t want your Nilla Wafers and Franzia linked to my rep.

REASON D’ETRE

June 14, 2014

“He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave.” – William Drummond

I’m not sure, but I think that, no matter who or what you are, this guy’s just insulted you.

You Can’t Do That On Television!

June 12, 2014

I just saw a headline that read Poll: Fox News most trusted news source for ‘accurate information’ and I was incredibly shocked – that is until I realized that this was just the introduction to the opposite sketches.