Archive for April, 2014

Pregnant Pause

April 29, 2014

I stopped by one of those “Everything’s A Dollar” stores yesterday. Y’know the kind where they offer stuff that wouldn’t sell at major chains for the low, low price of 100 cents? You can find some interesting things there – toys, kitchenware, cleaning supplies – and if it doesn’t have an expiration date why not save some money, eh?  However, I’ll go on the record as saying there are some things you probably shouldn’t buy on the cheap.

That’s why I was a little more than bemused to see behind the checkout counter – right there, hanging on the wall – pregnancy tests for one dollar!

Seriously, how knocked up do you have to be to feel comfortable trusting a pee stick you purchased at the place folks who shop at WalMart think is low rent?

Advertisements

Bark & Ride

April 26, 2014

Apparently this Russian car commercial has been making the rounds and has even fooled some dumb people into thinking it’s real. Seriously. Some idiots believe the dog really stole a car. The Russian equivalent of Madison Avneue must be laughing their Soviet asses off.

Party Animal

April 24, 2014

On a dare, I once put a whole birthday cake in a blender and made a smoothie out of it, candles and all. Drank every last bit of it. I got sick and threw up into the piñata. Boy, were those kids surprised when they beat that papier-mâché donkey and vomit came spewing out.

Needless to say, I was fired from that Chuck E. Cheese shortly thereafter.

NO!

April 22, 2014

Humans are doomed. This we know. Asteroid, viral pandemic, nuclear armageddon, robot apocalypse, alien invasion, what have you – these are just a few possible ways we are all going to die a horrible death. Granted, the universe has been trying to kill off our species for millenia but now we are oh so close to doing it ourselves.

To wit: we are teaching monkeys to roast marshmallows.

Harmless, you say? What’s the problem, you chide? Well, enjoy your numbered days, deluded fool! Haven’t you seen Conquest of the Apes or Rise of the Planet of the Apes or really any of the Planet of the Apes movies (even the 70s cartoon)? Make ’em smarter and the next thing you know it’s apes on horses and forced human sterilization and You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

Okay, maybe not. Maybe that’s a stretch. Maybe I’ve got a paranoid active imagination and this is a ridiculous premise but – mark my words – it’s still a mistake! You teach an ape to roast marshmallows and you know what happens next? Well, do ya?!

Monkey s’mores.

Seriously. It’s a thing. It’ll happen. And then you’ll be sorry. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The Easter Bunny Hates You

April 20, 2014

This. NEVER. Gets. Old.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Easter Edition)

April 20, 2014

Five Easter Candy-Related Injuries

Chocolate bunny overdose

Jelly bean lodged in nasal cavity

Peep rash

Slip on Cadbury crème egg & hit head on edge of coffee table

CarPAAS® tunnel syndrome

 

Five Easter Bunny Variations

Sir Hops-A-Lot (U.K.)

Der Furrengrössen (Germany)

Tamago Usagi-chan – Little Egg Bunny (Japan)

Dwi’ngygarupasghapuscwningen (Welsh)

兔子窃贼 – The Rabbit that Steals from the People (China)

 

Five Really Good Easter Egg Hiding Places

Taped to someone’s back, like Bruce Willis’ gun in Die Hard

Inside a chocolate bunny

The Gobi desert

Inside a toilet tank (like an upper decker)

At a matinee showing of Draft Day

 

Five Bad Easter Experiences

Never found that last egg (age 5)

Broke up with girlfriend; ate heads off of chocolate bunnies until I lapsed into sugar coma (11th grade)

Accidentally bought sugar-free PEEPs (2003)

Saw Dragonball Evolution at cinema (2009)

Inhaled recalled egg dye; stripped down to skivvies and ran through dorm hallway screaming, “Jesus zombies! Eeeeyyyarrgh!!!” (Freshman year)

 

Five Easter Bunny Fears

Fear of being discovered

Fear of exploding eggs

Fear that kids would rather have hasenpfeffer than candy

Fear Velveteen Rabbit will ignore restraining order

Fear someone will catch him Red Boxing Hop with Russell Brand

Dad Man Balking

April 19, 2014

My old man absolutely hated birthdays and refused to celebrate his under any circumstances. Once I made the mistake of baking him a birthday cake and presenting it to him after dinner. He wasn’t the least bit thankful or happy. In fact, he threw the cake against the wall and locked me in an old freezer we had out in the garage.

To this day, I can’t eat angel food without balling up into the fetal position and crying.

What Would You Do TO A Klondike Bar?

April 16, 2014

The commercial is funny enough (and I wonder if it’ll ever make it onto network television) but the tagline totally makes it!

It’s Not Delivery, It’s De Bunny

April 15, 2014

This is a real billboard for a pizza palce in New Zealand, a nation plagued by too many rabbits…

Rabbit

Hey, I don’t care if your country is ruled by giant mutant bunnies with a taste for human blood, this is just wrong on so many levels.

I GOT BIRDS IN MY CHIMNEY!

April 13, 2014

I GOT BIRDS IN MY CHIMNEY!

Sounds a lot less rock ‘n’ roll than shouting, “I got blisters on my fingers!” but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Damn and blast! You can hear the little buggers peeping away to beat the band, like they haven’t a care in the bloody world. And they haven’t really. They know I’m not lighting a fire. Too much mess (and I couldn’t look others in the eye after my Friends of the Animals card was revoked). And the cats are beside themselves. They know a tasty snack is nearby; they just can’t get to it. Plus, the birds don’t care that I’m not a morning person; they chirp chirp chirp as soon as the sun is up! Bring me some worms! Chew it up and regurgitate it into my mouth! Lazy gits. Learn to fly and get the frak outta my chimney!!