Archive for June, 2015

The Giving Freak

June 29, 2015

Can dairy products ever honestly be an adequate eighteenth birthday gift? No, I didn’t think so.  Thus it behooved me to say to my Aunt Dana on that momentous occasion, “Take back your friggin’ cheese-of-the-month subscription, women, and get me a hooker!” Not proud of that but, seriously, what was she thinking?!

Bumper Crap

June 27, 2015

I was driving along the interstate earlier this evening and I saw a car with the following on the bumper: NEVER TRUST A NURSE. Seriously. “Never Trust A Nurse.” Not the catchiest of slogans, if I may say so. And as far as bias goes I’ve never quite associated nurses with deserving the same hatred as, say, lawyers or reality TV stars. Certainly not as stereotypical as a bias against a country of origin or religion or a political party. But there it was, for the world to see – an anti-nurse pronouncement on the back of his ride, perfectly at home with the Visualize World Peace sticker or the American flag decal (had there been either).

I guess it’s interesting to note that it wasn’t a bumper sticker. No. This dude had apparently written Never Trust A Nurse in sharpie or something on the back of his bumper (think it’s safe to say he couldn’t find a sticker with that sentiment for sale at Stuckey’s) because he felt so strongly about it. My instinct says it’s not a carte blanche distrust of the profession but personal, per se. If I had to lay odds I’d say it probably involves a bumbling, brusque removal of a catheter.

June 24 Trivia Night Rankings

June 24, 2015

Yes, Quizlings, you heard right – ICE CREAM NEXT WEEK! Huzzah!

Also, tables reserved for the three winning teams. A new era or triviawesome, you say? Nope – just business as usual… kickin’ trivia butt and chewin’ trivia gum. And we’re aaaaalllllll outta gum.

Now, here’s are the rankings (ties factored in) for this week’s fun:

The Jordan Spieth Of Trivia 64
This Is The Funny Team Name You’re Looking For 62
Magic Mike Or Trivia – What Would Sparky Do? 61
We’re Running Really Late 61
Pro Klittra 61
God Hates Flags 58
The Pjazzlers 57
Political Capture The Flag 57
Come For The AC – Stay For The Trivia 56
Kings of Fourth 56
Last Week We Cheated On Sparky 54
Atlanta May Have Trivia But It Doesn’t Have Tomato Jake’s 50
Deep Fried Rat On The Menu, Please 53
Trivia Newton John 51
Even Pete Rose Wouldn’t Bet On Us 49
Don’t Ask Us 48
Me Meat Is From The 70s 42
These Light Fixtures Are Straining My Eyes 42
The Cheeseheads 38
Balzac 38
Tuesdays 34

Austin Witty Limits

June 23, 2015

I just heard that Phil Austin of the Firesign Theatre passed way on June 19 at the age of 74. While it’s true he was definitely not a household name (and it’s doubtful most people could even pick any of the Firesigners out of a line up), I have always been entertained by the group’s comedy, having first heard some of their sketches when I was in junior high. If you’re not familiar with Austin or the work of Firesign Theatre, then treat yourself to the piece that introduced me to their delightful antics – The Further Adventures of Nick Danger, Third Eye.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Father’s Day Edition)

June 21, 2015

Five People I Wished Were My Dad When I Was A Kid

Steve Douglas (Fred MacMurray on My Three Sons)

Evel Knievel

Captain Kangaroo

James Bond

Paul Lynde (yeah, I know – but at the time …)

 

Five Things My Father Never Taught Me

How to ride a bike

How to fish

How to manage my finances

The birds and the bees

How to find him when he went away

 

Five Dad Cliches

I don’t pay to heat the whole neighborhood.

Because I say so!

Go ask your mother.

I brought you into this world – I can take you out!

Let’s not tell your mom about this, okay?

 

Five of My Favorite Fathers

Father Time

Father Ted

Father Christmas

Father Guido Sarducci

Father Goose

 

Five Fictional Characters with Severe Daddy Issues

Oedipus

Hamlet

Luke Skywalker

The singer of Papa Was A Rollin’ Stone

The Huxtable Kids (totally in retrospect, of course)

 

Day of the Dad

June 19, 2015

My dad refused to celebrate Father’s Day. Once I made the mistake of buying him a tie and presenting it to him after dinner. He wasn’t the least bit grateful. In fact, he threw the tie in the garbage disposal and locked me in an old freezer we had out in the garage. To this day, I can’t tie a Windsor knot without balling up into the fetal position and crying.

June 17 Trivia Night Rankings

June 17, 2015

Well, we beat the weather, Quizlings. And once again, a great trivia night at Tomato Jake’s was had by all (well, maybe not a certain team whose winning streak had a fork stuck in it by some up and comers – ah, but they love me; they’ll be back.)

Here are this week’s rankings (with ties factored in). Am I the only one that finds the fact the two teams that made fun of Trump in their names placed first and second? Hmmmmm…

Trump And Toupee in 2016 67
Don’t Laugh. Donald Trump Identifies As An Actual Presidential Candidate 65
Don’t Be Fooled By Genes That I Got I’m Still Rachel From The Block 64
Making Mothman Happen 64
Jurassic World Of Trivia 62
XIV Till MMXXL 59
Shark Week Came Early This Year 59
E = MC Hammer 58
There Is Still Time To Change Our Team Name 57
Kyle Was Supposed To Think Of Our Name But He’s Not Here 55
Unicorns On A Roll 54
White Is The New Black 53
Lebron Missed – Love N’ Kyrie 52
Something Else 49
Something 46
Win Or Lose, We Still Booze 45
We Have To Break Up Because He Doesn’t Like Mozzarella Sticks 42

Carded

June 15, 2015

I was going through some old boxes in the spare room when I found an old card that someone sent to me when I was a kid. There’s this cartoonish tiger on the front and inside there’s the following: “Here’s hoping your tonsilectomy went gr-r-r-r-r-eat!”

There is no name on the card. I’ve no idea who sent it. And I never had my tonsils taken out.

Kind of eerie, really.

If Life Gives You Lemons…

June 13, 2015

It’s happened again.

lemonade_stand

Every summer there’s at least one story about some kid somewhere in these United States of America who sets up a lemonade stand and runs afoul of “the man.” You know, some bureaucrat who wants to rain on some poor snowflake’s free trade parade by citing laws and ordinances and zoning and sanitation and crap. Bad, bad Big Brother and its rush to squash the hopes of some moppet with grand plans and a pitcher of sour, lemony goodness in a front yard or at the end of a cul-de-sac. Let wee Susie sell her delicious refreshment, the public cries! Leave little Larry alone and allow him to learn the free enterprise system in a wholesome and innocent way!

Of course it’s all utter shite. (more…)

10 June 2015 Trivia Night Rankings

June 10, 2015

Fun night, Quizlings. Lots of good folks came out to play, although some regulars were very much missed (come back, please – I have abandonment issues!)

I think advantage tonight went to the folks who read the funny pages and who watch a lot of sci fi TV. And I oughta know – I can smell my own.

If you like, read more about Regaliceratops peterhewsi and The Video Game Hall of Fame.

Now, see how your team measured up…

Trivia’s American Pharaoh 67
Don’t Bring A Gun To A Water Fight 60
Doom vs. Duke Nukem 58  (tie winner)
That Doesn’t Sound Like Hands 58
OK, Stupid 56
Gladys Hearts Glen 55
The Legend Of Zelda’s Mom 53
We Got Dat Cookie Money 50
Touched By A Duggar 49  (tie winner)
Our Trivia Guru’s In Kansas – Good Luck To Us 49
Tequila Mockingbird 46
[Dinosaur Sticker] 40  (tie winner)
Free Radical 40
The Gaggle 39
O’ Lawd, Mama Knows 38
Wednesday Night Turnip 36