Archive for March, 2012

Lotto Loathe

March 31, 2012

Two. My favorite Constitutional amendment.
Four. How old I was when I first took the Mensa test.
Twenty-three. Michael Jordan’s jersey number.
Thirty-eight. The number of slots on a Roulette wheel
Forty-six. The age I plan to retire.
And Twenty-three? The age I was when I became a man (well, backwards, anyhow).

Every week, those are the numbers I pick. Every single bloody week. But not this week. No, this week, I get sidetracked by the release of Wrath of the Titans. (I wasn’t seeing the film but I was engaged in an intense letter-writing campaign demanding Hollywood not subject us to anymore crap sequels like this.)

And, well, whaddaya know. I forget to pick up my ticket. This one freaking time. One time and what comes up? 2 4 23 38 46 23
and Mega Ball 23.

Damn.

I really hate my life.

What Time Is It?!

March 28, 2012

Time for maybe the coolest thing ever – a live action Adventure Time promo from the brilliant promotional minds at Cartoon Network.

No Rules, Just Reich

March 26, 2012

How do you sell shampoo and cause an international furor (that’s furor – not Führer)? Use Hitler as your product spokesperson! And here I thought calling a depilatory cream Nads was the worst advertising blunder a company could make. Yep, not since that ShamWow guy hit a prostitute has a pitchman been so reviled (and that’s saying something).

Just Kidding

March 24, 2012

“Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.” – Michael Levine

The only difference is that if you play the piano badly it doesn’t grow up to be a serial killer.

Movin’ On Up

March 23, 2012

There’s been a little commotion in the news recently about some residents of South Carolina receiving a bit of surprise when new survey techniques showed that the state line which separated them from their northern neighbor was moved about 150 feet. The practical upshot, simply put, is that these former Palmetto staters are now Tar Heels, born and bred. Of course, the rumblings of discontent are running high. One small businessman, frustrated that his gasoline prices have now increased by thirty cents a gallon and that he can no longer supplement his income with now-illegal fireworks, wishes he was still back on the southern side of the Carolina border. And while I understand his ire, I would ask this man and indeed all new residents of the Old North State remember one very important thing: even though you’ll pay more to fuel your vehicles and even though you can’t buy, sell or own dangerous fireworks, by merely moving across state lines out of SC and into NC your IQ has suddenly increased by about 20 points, possibly more! Welcome to North Carolina!

Same Time Next Year

March 22, 2012

Another birthday. Another year older. Another hastily-eaten Carvel ice cream cake and bawling my eyes out while watching Ice Castles. Heavens, if I didn’t know better I’d I think I’d fallen into a rut.

Pop Goes The Weasel

March 20, 2012

Sometimes you realize just why Al Gore invented the Internet. It’s for stuff like this: OTTERS WHO LOOK LIKE BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

March 19, 2012

Five Failed General Mills Monster Cereals

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Honey

Invisible Man Berries

Zombie Toast Crunch

Godzillalicious

Creature from the Bran Lagoon

 

Five Zebra Fears

Lions

Hyenas

Stripes make them look fat

Global warming

There’ll be a Racing Stripes II

 

Five Autocorrects for Dirty Words

Batch

Peninsula

Tattle

Vagus nerve

Madden Football

 

Five Regrettable Purchases

The Boogie Bass

Stale Girl Scout Cookies

Bell bottoms

Rental insurance

Ticket for John Carter

 

Five More Ways To Leave Your Lover

Just stop tryin’, Ryan.

Hit yourself repeatedly with a rake, Blake.

Hide in a closet and be really quiet, Wyatt.

Take off on a stolen Schwinn, Flynn.

Cook her up in a pot and eat her, Peter.

 

 Sparky MacMillan is raising an unholy army of singing dinosaurs!

Con Man

March 16, 2012

As Blago entered prison I really wish he’d whipped off his hair, revealing a completely bald head (à la Gene Hackman in Superman), and shouted, “There’s not a prison been built that can hold Rod Blagojevich!” Then he could have laughed menacingly as they led him away.

I tell ya – if he’d done that, his legend as a super villain would be sealed. Sealed!

Auto Exotic

March 15, 2012

I’ve seen this commercial for the 2012 Hyundai Sonata Hybrid many times (it may have debuted during the Super Bowl, I can’t recall) but I just noticed something peculiar today: what the hell kind of forest is this supposed to be? Raccoons, beavers, groundhogs, foxes, wolves, bears… sure these are creatures you might run into on a tramp in the woods but a freakin’ lemur and an ostrich? What the hell, Hyundai? If you’re this bad at science, I’m left to wonder how sharp your engineering skills are!