Archive for January, 2019

January 30 Trivia Rankings

January 31, 2019

The temperature outside was cold but the trivia inside was hot. Or maybe it was the pizza that was hot. The quizmaster … ? Nope, definitely not. Well, weather analogies aside, I think we felt a little better about this week’s scores than last week. Pixar and Marvel helped (BTW both owned by Disney – soon to own your soul).

What’s what up this time out? We got a B with Jacko, floated some rocks and paid more for a stamp. Plus there was this distant Gen X childhood memory that would have been so much sweeter with Deadpool…

Now check out the ranking for this week. How’d your team do?

Intelligence Isn’t Intelligence 68
We’re Only Here To Establish An Alibi 67
Clean-up Hitters 67
Brrrrr! 65
How Much Does A Box Of Cheerios Cost? Ten Dollars? 64
Patriot Fatique 64
The State Of The Onion Makes Us Cry 62
Someone Made Elsa Mad Again 61
Build The Wall And Get Over It 58
Why TF Is Glen Wearing Shorts? 57
6 Rings 56
The Night Court 52
Swipe Right For Glen 51
One Wheel Short Of A Unicycle 51
Chicken Cheetoh Sandies 50
Show Me Your Kitties 49
It’s Too Cold To Play Trivia 44

It’s Not Easy Beating Greens

January 28, 2019

As Whole Foods gets a black eye and pulls spinach from shelves due to Salmonella contamination, the green leafy scourge has hit very close to home and claimed another, more famous, victim: Popeye.

The one-eyed, burly-forearmed sailor known to millions around the world succumbed to a distressing bout of Salmonella after eating contaminated spinach last week.

Although normally tough, Popeye’s spinach-dependent strength has proven to be his trademark.  Unfortunately, as of late, his leaf vegetable-induced virility has been limited to household tasks like taking out the trash and moving the sofa so that his housekeeper, Alice the Goon, could vacuum. (In earlier decades, Popeye’s notorious feats of brute force and unparalleled power were primarily used to defeat his arch-nemesis Bluto – a.k.a. Brutus, Sindbad the Sailor, “The Big Guy Who Hates Popeye,” “Mean Man” and “Sonny.”  Sadly, Bluto passed away in 1985; he died in prison, serving a 45-year sentence for marine piracy and kidnapping.)

Popeye spent his last days in Crystal City, Texas, surrounded by friends and family. He battled the intestinal malady with great fortitude but, unable to receive succor from his beloved leaf, Popeye resigned himself to his fate by saying, “I’ve had all I can stand, I can’t stands no more.”

The mumbling, tattooed sailor is survived by his common law wife, Olive Oyl; his four illegitimate sons, Pipeye, Pupeye, Poopeye, Peepeye (who, in less enlightened times, were forced to pass as his “nephews”); his father, Poopdeck Pappy (believed to be about 206 years old); and Eugene the Jeep, whatever the hell that is.

Reportedly, his last words were, “I bleed from my anus ‘cuz spinach is heinous; I’m Popeye the Salmonella man!” Punctuated, of course, with a couple of short toots on his corncob pipe. And then oblivion.

Popeye. 1929 – 2019. Rest in peace.

We’ll Do It Live!

January 26, 2019

What is it about a live concert experience that makes some people want to scream at the top of their lungs? Seriously. I find it difficult to believe that the musical talent onstage actually finds this helpful in any way. Nonetheless, every concert, every event, every time, some drunken redneck feels the need to let loose a rebel yell like the original Skynyrd had just risen from the dead and picked out the opening chords to Sweet Home Alabama. Hey, mullet head! Shut up and stop ruining every live album ever recorded! You’re not leading Pickett’s Charge up Cemetery Ridge, okay? Applaud and dance and, heck, even shout the ubiquitous Freebird every now and again (that’s your birthright as a Southerner) but that ear-piercing shriek you wanna lob at the rest of us like a vocal dagger to the eardrum? Hell, that sucker can stay lodged half-choked in the back of your throat, alright?

January 23 Trivia Rankings

January 24, 2019

Another week, another game, even more Girl Scout Cookies. Thanks to all the Quizlings who came out to play (the rest of you, come back soon – you are missed!) in a contentious round of TJWN Trivia!

FYI – Mega apologies for the wonky question. If it helps (and it should), throwing out the said question had zero effect on the rankings.

What did we do this week? Well, we didn’t stop believin’ for a start (thanks, Journey) and we headlined Coachella with Tame Impala and we made some rather juvenile Uranus jokes (aren’t they all?). Plus there was this completely-not-just-made-up television show…

Now let’s check out the team rankings. Interesting note: not a single tie this week!

So Many Girl Scout Cookies 69
It Should Be Saints vs. Chiefs 62
Trivia Trivia Bo-Bivia 61
Katy + Jazz Hands = Team Name 58
Super Wolf Blood Moon Pie 55
Bloodshot Moon Wolves 50
Thank You Lov You 49
Saints Officials Were Doing The Bird Box Challenge 47
Would Anyone Here Like To Announce Their Candidacy For 2020? 46
Still Moist 45
Overeducated And Underperforming 39
Tonight’s Prize: Tickets To Fyre Festival 2019 38
Can’t Wait For Fyre Fest 2019 35
Dirty Mike And The Boys 31
Bonnett Gang 27

The Paper Chase

January 21, 2019

When I was young, my hometown was terrorized by a wild piñata. Every day, it would run into town and cause lots of property damage and kill livestock. Once it dragged a small child away in the night. Eventually we had to call in a group of kids celebrating a birthday. They tracked the piñata to its den, strung it up and beat it to death, spilling its candy guts onto the ground. They cheered and paraded its papier-mâché carcass around town.

Very messy and savage. Very Lord of the Flies.



January 19, 2019


Five Bachelor Party Faux Pas

Playing D&D

Getting married to a Keno girl

Drawing genitals on the face of the passed out best man in permanent marker

Bringing, drinking or even mentioning Zima

Burying the hooker you killed out in the desert in a shallow grave that’s sure to be easily discovered


Five Bad Make Out Songs

Do They Know It’s Christmas? – Band Aid

Me So Horny – 2 Live Crew

The Curly Shuffle – Jump ‘N the Saddle

Pretty much anything by the Dead Kennedys

Luka – Suzanne Vega


Five Signs Your Breakfast Cereal Is Possessed

The instant it’s poured, the milk turns to blood

The ghost on the Boo Berry box is real

Your Alpha-Bits spell out “Prince of Darkness” and “666”

Cap’n Crunch’s head rotates 360 degrees

The perfunctory Snap, Crackle, Pop is followed by a statement of what your mother sucks in hell


Five Autocorrects for Dirty Words




Blue Jar

Cute Lincoln


Five Nick Fury Complaints

Lack of depth perception

Life model decoys make my ass look fat

SHIELD helicarrier runs on used cooking oil so clothes always smell like french fries

Howling Commandos won’t accept Facebook friend requests

As cool as Samuel L. Jackson makes me look, I can never live down the fact I was once played by David Hasselhoff


January 16 Trivia Rankings

January 17, 2019

A tough week of trivia, Quizlings! Do not kick yourself over your scores because everyone had a down night. Interesting note: this week’s average score was 44.6875 compared to 58.26 last week and 52 for the week before. The pendulum swings back and forth and what seems hard one week may appear to be a cake walk the next. Be back next week for more triviawesomeness!

And remember: When (if) we top last year’s attendance record of 136 I will personally double the first prize that week! Also, when we hit our 500th game sometime this year, I will also double the top three prizes! Don’t miss a week of the fun.

This week, we flew Sandpiper Air, reintroduced iguanas to the Galapagos and got a new tattoo with Ariana Grande. And we got Girl Scout cookies. Plus there was this cinematic memory:

Now, check out this week’s team rankings. BONUS – I’ve ranked them the usual method and per capita, just for giggles. Very interesting results that way.

Theresa, May I Leave Yet? 63
Samoas For Life 58
Only 343 Shopping Days Until Christmas 56
Space Force Cadets 51
Hamberders: The New Covfefe 50
Talk About Lowering The Barr 48
Let Clemson Eat Jake’s 45
The Next White House Dinner: Tomato Jake’s 45
Orange Is Better Than Blue 44
Show Me Your Kitties 42
Who Killed JonBenet? 42
Everyone Thinks We Suck And We Can’t Win Trivia 4
The Super Blood Wolf Moon Sounds Like It’s Compensating For Something 38
Ali J 33
Cam’s Bleached Chin Hairs 32
We Thought this Was A Super Bowl Party 28

And per capita…

Orange Is Better Than Blue 44
Ali J 16.5
Cam’s Bleached Chin Hairs 16
Hamberders: The New Covfefe 12.5
Everyone Thinks We Suck And We Can’t Win Trivia 10
Theresa, May I Leave Yet? 9
Show Me Your Kitties 8.4
Who Killed JonBenet? 8.4
Samoas For Life 8.28
Talk About Lowering The Barr 8
Only 343 Shopping Days Until Christmas 8
The Super Blood Wolf Moon Sounds Like It’s Compensating For Something 7.6
The Next White House Dinner: Tomato Jake’s 7.5
We Thought this Was A Super Bowl Party 7
Let Clemson Eat Jake’s 6.42
Space Force Cadets 6.375

Isle Be Seeing You

January 12, 2019

Sometimes I have this dream – well, fantasy really – that I’m stranded on a deserted island. I dunno how. Shipwreck or plane crash or something, maybe I get a job with FedEx like Tom Hanks in that movie.

Anyway, I see a boat in the distance. It’s a small craft and it’s piloted by one person and one person only. He sees my signal fire and steers over to the island. I swim out to meet the boat and climb aboard.

When I get on deck I find out the captain of this little ship is none other than the person who invented those shoes with the roller skates in the heel that some kids wear. So I quickly kill him, leave his body for the sharks to eat, and sail back to civilization where I’m hailed as a hero.

Not one of my top ten desert island fantasies, mind you (most of those involve the female cast of your average CW series) but it’s one I often drift off to sleep pondering. Ah, sweet dreams.

January 9 Trivia Rankings

January 10, 2019

Wow, what a night! A close game, to be sure, and next week there’s Girl Scout Cookies!

This week, we dug up history in 1924, hosted the Golden Globes and slowed down with Tricky Dick. Plus there was this mega-rad lowrider…

Now check out the team rankings for this week. And we’ll see you Quizlings next Wednesday!

Pants Fire Engulfs White House 72
Short Witty Team Name 71
We’ll Take Our Back Pay In Pizza, Please 68
The Shovel Was A Groundbreaking Invention 68
If You Suck At Trumpet, That’s Probably Why 62
Not Allowed To Work But Still Couldn’t Think Of a Good Name 62
Tap Water Girl In The Streets, Fiji Water Girl In the Sheets 61
Chicken Tender Fender Bender 60
Girl Scout Cookies Next Week! 60
That’s Snow Way To Run The Government 58
The Village Chicken 52
Wall-e World 49
A Team Has No Name 49
2 Spicy Meatballs 44
Haylee’s First Time 38

With Great Poser …

January 8, 2019

Who is the lamest superhero, you ask? Most people who don’t read comics (and a few who do) will say Aquaman. But that’s because they’re idiots. Sure, the Superfriends cartoon made him look as useful as a plate of three-day-old tuna – and there were a few early Justice League issues that weren’t much better. I mean, seriously, Martian Manhunter may have had the dumbest weakness (fire) because he was essentially a Superman-level hero with ESP and invisibility and other cool powers and a match could take him out, yet Aquaman was consistently depicted as becoming as weak as limp fettuccine after exactly ONE HOUR out of water. Meaning at 59 minutes and he’s the King of The Seas but 60 seconds later and, bam, he’s lucky Mrs. Paul wasn’t his arch nemesis. Still, he’s Atlantean royalty, so that’s gotta count for something! And he can talk to fish, which is more than you can do. Plus, his body is used to the pressures at the bottom of the sea so he had super strength on land. Face it: This guy was no limpet. (more…)