Archive for February, 2013

Hard To Believe

February 27, 2013

You don’t have to be a fanboy to appreciate this – the BEST COMIC BOOK COVER EVER!

Click HERE to see the photo cover (yes, it’s the actual cover) to Dell’s The Rifleman #10 (1962) featuring a very-happy-to-see-you Chuck Connors and a young boy who had better grown up to have a good therapist.

And you thought my Giant-Size Man-Thing was awesome.

Me-yow!

February 26, 2013

As ads go, it was pretty straightforward.  Slightly sexy, but classy.  Very upscale. 

I caught sight of it in a local newspaper, sandwiched somewhere in between the personals and the movie listings.  About eight column inches all told.  An ad for a fine clothier or furniture store, something of that nature.  A lovely young woman dressed seductively in a nice lacy slip or camisole lay demurely on a richly upholstered divan, maybe a day bed.  She held in her arms a Siamese cat to which she seemed to be talking sweetly.  No doubt a beloved pet.  She wasn’t tarty or sleazy, no far from it, she was portrayed as a beautiful young woman with great taste, the perfect model, the perfect target audience identifier, sure to garner a few new clients for the upscale shop.

Point is, there’s this major league hottie in her underthings lounging on a sofa and what is the first thing I say upon seeing the ad?

Ooooh!!!  Kitty!”

Sigh.

I have GOT to get out more..

My Ennui Has A First Name; It’s O-S-C-A-R

February 24, 2013

Will I be live blogging the Oscars tonight? If by live blogging you mean downing a pint of Ben & Jerry’s new Cannoli ice cream and crying pathetically because my pretend friends are having the night of their lives and didn’t invite me then yes.

Rattle & Roll

February 24, 2013

When I was a kid and I was asked where I wanted to eat, I would always reply the same thing: Shakey’s Pizza.  Problem was: there was no Shakey’s nearby – or even in my city.  I’d apparently seen a commercial during Thundercats or Dangermouse or something and I thought it was the end-all be-all of pizzeria experiences.  All that piano playing and delicious pizza pie … aw, man; that’s my idea of heaven!

So one day, my dad – always one to think outside the box and save a few bucks – brought home some Totino’s Pizza Rolls and banged out chopsticks on my sister’s Fisher-Price Step and Play Piano and said that I should stop my whining and never mention those bastards at Shakey’s ever again.

Yeah, we weren’t close much after that, the old man and I.

Between Life And Death

February 23, 2013

“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” – Isaac Asimov

And he should know! Ha ha ha ha – ha. Oh. I made fun of a dead guy and made myself kind of cry on the inside. Sigh.

And You Smell Like One Too

February 20, 2013

Went to Baskin Robbins once for my birthday. Only it wasn’t really my birthday. And it wasn’t really a Baskin Robbins. It was a cardboard box in the back yard and I think it was an Arbor Day.

I was an only child.  Can you tell?

The Oval Offal

February 18, 2013

So, it’s President’s Day. Or is that Presidents Day? (Or Presidents’ Day?) Don’t know, don’t care.

But what should we care about when it comes to our Commander-in-Chief? There have been 44 of the guys but most languish in obscurity and those we do know have so many myths and lies surrounding their legacy that it’s hard to separate the truth from the fiction.

That’s why we here at THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE thought it a perfect opportunity to look back and reflect on those men who held the highest office in our land. What should you, as an American citizen, know about them? The important, salient points? The stuff Ken Jennings knows? Easy. Here it is, the four-one-one on the men who wouldn’t be king.

George Washington. First president. Wooden teeth. Chopped down a cherry tree. Once did it with Betsy Ross on an early version of Old Glory.

John Adams. Federalist. First President to occupy the White House. Had a fetish for powdered wigs.

Thomas Jefferson. Wrote the Declaration of Independence. Acquired the Louisiana Territory from Napoleon. Dispatched Lewis and Clark. Had himself a little Jungle Fever.

James Madison. Started the War of 1812 so that Johnny Horton could have a career in 1959.

James Monroe. Remembered for the Missouri Compromise, which admitted Missouri to the Union as a slave state, pairing it with Maine, a free state, and barring slavery north and west of Missouri forever. Oh, and he was remembered for the Monroe Doctrine, which states – um, never mind, just remember him for the Missouri Compromise.

John Quincy Adams. Son of the second President. People called him “Old Man Eloquent.” Lived on a boat and solved crimes as a medical examiner.

Andrew Jackson. Elected by popular vote. Called “Old Hickory.” But not to his face.

Martin Van Buren. A veritable dwarf of a man, he was known as “The Little Magician.” Mainly because he would often offer to pull a “rabbit” out of his “hat” at cabinet meetings.

William Henry Harrison. Died of pneumonia a month after taking office. Due to his taciturn nature, no one noticed until he was up for reelection nearly three years later.

John Tyler. Best known for the slogan “Tippecanoe and Tyler Too” due to his inability to adeptly steer water craft.

James K. Polk. A virtual unknown, he favored Manifest Destiny. And frequented a bar called “Man-Eyefest Destiny.”

Zachary Taylor. Known as “Old Rough and Ready,” a name given to him by many DC madams.

Millard Fillmore. The only President to never have any child named after him for fear they’d get their butts kicked at recess.

Franklin Pierce. The non-technical term for a Prince Albert.

James Buchanan. The only President who never married. The Paul Lynde of his time.

Abraham Lincoln. Freed the slaves. Assassinated at a play by John Wilkes Booth. Invented the Lincoln Log. And the luxury automobile.

Andrew Johnson. Started Reconstruction. Impeached for something non-sexual. (How quaint.)

Ulysses S. Grant. A notorious drunkard. Middle name was, surprisingly, Susan.

Rutherford B. Hayes. Um… uh … er … heh … huh … hmmm. His last name was one syllable?

James Garfield. He hated Mondays.

Chester A. Arthur. Signed the Tariff Act of 1883. Yeah, a real party animal.

Grover Cleveland. Could explain the difference between contrasting concepts extremely well, like near and far. Was a terrible waiter. Was furry and blue and had super powers.

Benjamin Harrison. Democrats called him “Little Ben.” And he would often tell them they could bite his “Little Ben.”

Grover Cleveland. Oops, he did it again.

William McKinley. Shot twice by a deranged anarchist while climbing the mountain that still bears his name.

Theodore Roosevelt. The youngest President. He was 12. Like Doogie Howser.

William Howard Taft. Fat. Fat fat fat fat fat. Fatty McFat fat. The dude was HUGE!

Woodrow Wilson. Entered the US into World War I. Created the League of Nations. Cracked up whenever he said his own name.

Warren G. Harding. Plagued by scandals. And psoriasis.

Calvin Coolidge. “Silent Cal.” Never spoke a word. Like Harpo Marx.

Herbert Hoover. Built a dam and patented the vacuum cleaner.

Franklin D. Roosevelt. President for most of the 20th Century. Saw the US through the Great Depression, WWII, the Grapes of Wrath and Betty Grable. Feared fear.

Harry S. Truman. Created the Truman Doctrine and the Marshall Plan and the United Nations and the Atomic Bomb and the Korean War.

Dwight D. Eisenhower. Likeable.

John F. Kennedy. Had back problems. Had the Bay of Pigs. Had Marilyn Monroe. He also claimed to be a jelly-filled doughnut.

Lyndon Baines Johnson. Responsible for the Great Society. And the Vietnam War. So it’s pretty much a wash.

Richard E. Nixon. He WAS a crook.

Gerald R. Ford. Played by Chevy Chase, Ford was the only President not to be elected. And to be defeated by a peanut farmer from Georgia. Which, admittedly, is not something you live down easily.

Jimmy Carter. Saw a UFO. Attacked by a rabbit. Had lust in his heart. My kind of guy.

Ronald Reagan. Single-handedly ended Communism and tore down the Berlin Wall brick by brick by himself. Thanks to the efforts of his wife, drug abuse is now a thing of the past. His is the fifth face on Mount Rushmore. Every major airport and road and city is named after him. He was a god among men. Everyone loves him.

George Bush. Threw up at the drop of a hat. Usually on world leaders.

Bill Clinton. An English major, his persnickety dedication to the proper usage of words and their correct definition proved to be his defining moment. Oh, that and the sax.

George W. Bush. Like father, like son. Except that the father actually got elected and had a modicum of ethical principles.

Barack Obama. The first Kenyan muslim socialist US president. And it’s about damn time, too!

Well, that’s it. All the Presidents. All the information you’ll ever really need to know about them. Unless there’s a test or something.

Happy President(s s’ ‘s) Day!

Inquiring Minds

February 17, 2013

Question. And this one’s been burning a six-inch valley through the middle of my noggin, too.

Does Carrot Top want people to laugh WITH him or AT him? And is he bothered when they do neither?

Really. Honestly. I want to know.

Bad Taste

February 15, 2013

I think Moira’s a little POed at me. I mean, I gave her some nice flowers and jewelry for Valentine’s Day but she only gave me a crappy box of chocolates I think she picked up at a Shell station.  Some knockoff brand – a Whitman Mayo Sampler according to the box. Yuck. Now I can’t get the taste of old man out of my mouth.

Which, if I could remember her name, would bring me to a great joke about Hugh Hefner’s new bride.

 

It’s A Knockout!

February 13, 2013

It’s Peter Gabriel’s birthday today and long before he picked up a sledgehammer he regaled us with anti-nationalistic tales of children playing. Celebrate and enjoy…