Archive for May, 2011

Far Out Space Nuts

May 30, 2011

I was scanning the headlines, looking for something to riff on, and I saw this: “Space Station Crew Unloads Supplies.” But it’s late, I’m tired and I guess I’m more than a bit overdue for a trip to the optometrist to update my prescription. ‘Cuz that’s not the headline I saw. Me? I read it as “Space Station Crew Unloads Puppies.”

And, lemme tell you, for a few minutes there, I was NOT sure what to make of that.

The Departed

May 29, 2011

Had a seance last night and conjured up my great-great-grandfather who said he was pleased as punch to have fought in the trenches in World War I and even to have died at Ypres … since it all meant that he would be remembered in nearly 100 years time by a mattress sale at Mattress Firm.

Happy Memorial Day, folks.

Please Vote For SAFE Haven For Cats

May 27, 2011

America's Favorite Animal Shelter Contest - help your animal shelter win $15,000 - vote today!

Take a moment, please, and click on the above link to vote for SAFE Haven For Cats in the America’s Favorite Animal Shelter Contest sponsored by Care2.com and ASPCA. Thanks so much!

Very Bad Things

May 26, 2011

I’m not saying it’s a given, but a very good chance exists that right now, somewhere in a Los Angeles basement or a Hollywood strip club, Pauley Shore sips a cocktail and plans his comeback.

Sleep tight, America.

Ism You Is Or Ism You Ain’t?

May 24, 2011

“Fascism is capitalism plus murder.” — Upton Sinclair

Well, hey!  Great!  We gots that in spades!

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

May 23, 2011

Five Signs You’re Addicted To Pokémon

When ordering at the drive thru, you say things like “Quarter Pounder with Cheese, I choose you!”

Your Squirtle-shaped swimming pool

Your résumé lists Team Rocket as a reference

The Pikachu tattoo on your ass

Number of Pokémon tournaments you’ve entered – 65 / Number of dates you’ve had – 0

Five Reasons To Have Kids

Someone to look after you in your dotage

Irreponsible about birth control

Cheap labor

Need an excuse to drive a mini-van

To sit next to non-breeders in restaurants and annoy the hell out of them

Five Nicknames for Your Hand

High-Five Fanatic

The Glove Stuffer

Marvin

Clap Happy

The Back-up Girlfriend

Five Hanna-Barbera Characters I Think Are Jerkwads

Precious Pupp

Yankee Doodle Pigeon

The Great Gazoo

Ranger Smith

Shazzan

Five Deadly Snack Crackers

Goldfission Bomb

Wheatabullets

The Nekotomicon

Lance

Ginger Snaps-Your-Neck-Without-A-Second-Thought

Sparky MacMillan has eight watches. None of them are fake.

Bernie Down The House

May 22, 2011

Today’s the birthday of prolific songwriter Bernie Taupin. Don’t recognize the name? Trust me, you’ve heard his work. The longtime Elton John collaborator has penned more hits than I can possibly name and deserves all the accolades thrown his way. Me, I choose to celebrate with this little selection from Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Because It Just Seemed So Bloody Appropriate!

May 21, 2011

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs

May 20, 2011

The Rapture on May 21? Some think so.  In fact, the superstitious and the ignorant are crapping bricks right about now, all because some preacher with an agenda decided to do some fuzzy math.  But the end of the world?  Idiots who don’t understand are crying “better safe than sorry” and making peace with their gods … but, honestly, should we worry?

Nope.  There are far more troublesome things on the horizon to fret over.  Bedbugs, asteroids, polar ice caps melting, IMF heads, yeah, to be sure.  And far more than that.  Things that you wouldn’t consider at face value as bad.  Scary things.  You want signs of the Apocalypse?  Screw May 21, I got ten of ‘em rightchere!

The Schwarzenegger love child.  Check the forehead for the mark of the beast before it’s too late!

Family gives back $45K in found money.  Bucking the age-old trend of finders keepers and outright human greed. Something’s unnatural about that, right?

49-Million-year-old spider face in 3D!  OMG! Kill it with fire! It’s coming to suck out our brains and blood and internal organs!

Animal Kingdom.  A Triple Crown threat – or the first horse of the Apocalypse?  And don’t even get me started on the horror that is Kegasaurus!

Final two contestants on “American Idol” are country singers.  ‘Nuff said.

Four dollar a gallon gas.  We’re getting perilously close to “Americathon” territory here, folks. And I paid money to see that in the cinema so I know how horrible that was! 

Honda’s new ad campaign.  Seriously. What the hell is THIS?!

Paralyzed man moves freely after transplant. Okay, so it’s not quite “the dead will walk” but we’ve all heard of slippery slopes. 

Stink bug epidemic across nation.  You say stink bug, I say locust! Regardless, we all know how this turns out.

Newt Gingrich.  Just in general. Something hinky going on there, mark my words.

Any one of these “signs” would be enough to make one stockpile water and canned goods in a hastily-dug underground bunker.  But, taken as a collective, can the end times really be that far away?

You have been warned.

Stank You Very Much

May 19, 2011

My Aunt Donna had really nasty halitosis.  And when she blew out her birthday candles, she’d imbue the cake with her – er, essence.  She couldn’t understand why no one wanted seconds.  And nobody had the heart to tell the old dear it was because, thanks to whatever had crawled up and died in her mouth, the lemon-iced sheetcake now tasted like complete ass.