Archive for December, 2018

People I Hate #704 (In A Series)

December 31, 2018

Who: The guy who adds extra numbers when counting your exercises.

Why: He’s a P.E. teacher or a personal trainer and he’s putting you through your paces. “Gimme 50 sit-ups,” he says and starts counting. All seems fair and above board until you get within spitting distance of the finishing line and suddenly he’s all, like, “45 … 46 … 47 … 48 … 49 … 4949 … FIFTY!” Yeah, we get it, Bruiser – you added some more numbers in there kinda surreptitious like so’s we wouldn’t notice. But hey – he was doing it to ease us into better health so it’s completely noble, right? NO! It makes him a total dick on a power trip.

How I justify it: At best, it’s unwanted teasing, at worst he’s a bully who’s being paid to abuse you. Either way, he’s fitter than you are so you can’t do anything but seethe and stew in your own flabby resentment and rage.

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FIVE RANDOM FIVE

December 29, 2018

 

Five Things I’m Honestly Not Quite Sure What They Are

Black Mirror Bandersnatch

Longitude & latitude

Chicory

Flying buttresses

Wiz Khalifa

 

Five Little Known New Year’s Traditions

Making revolutions

Swinging the first axe of the new year

Mocking the bee

Eating Chiclets off a cousin’s torso

Listening to the Black-Eyed Peas and Green Day

 

Five Updated Grimm’s Fairy Tales

Rapunzel, Vampire Slayer

Snow White, Alien Hunter

Cinderella, Zombie Taxidermist

Tom Thumb, Thumb Warrior

Rumpelstiltskin, Stilt Skinner

 

Five Rarely Used Yoga Positions

Plumber’s Moon

Crazy Aunt at Bingo

Pie in the Face

Hot Cheese Burning Roof of the Mouth

Downward Snoop Dogg

 

Five Children’s Book Characters’ Secret Fears

Waldo – Being Alone

The Man in the Yellow Hat – Monkeypox

Peter Rabbit – Hasenpfeffer

The Lorax – Moustache lice

The Hardy Boys – Finding out Nancy Drew’s really a dude

 

December 26 Trivia Rankings

December 27, 2018

It was a diminished crowd that came to play that Second Day of Christmas in 2018 but a lively gaggle of Quizlings nonetheless. Thanks to each and everyone who made it out for the festivities. (Regulars – missing you like candy so please come back in the New Year.)

Remember: Next week (January 2nd) is our End-Of-The-Year Raffle so you have one more week to getcher raffle tix. Bring a newbie, post a flier (email me and I’ll send you some) or spread the word about our brand our triviawesomeness. We’ll see you next week.

This week, we chatted about dwarf planets, Ivy League geography, the cost of Christmas and a popstar’s pooch. And we set the WABAC machine to the 1970s for a taste of (among other things) some rodential romping…

Now let’s see the team rankings for the week. How’d you do?

We’ll Trade Trivia Names For Pizza 64
Only 364 Shopping Days Left Until Christmas 63
Meatball Of Sadness 62
We Prefer The Aquaman Prequel, Waterboy 62
Carrboro Clams 61
The Fab Four 60
Upgraded 60
We’ve Got A Table This Time 57
I Didn’t Wanna Cook 57
Sleigh My Name, Sleigh My Name 43
Ashley’s Golden Girls And Two Stans 32

Gift for the Mad Guy

December 24, 2018

Moira gave me an empty box for Chrismukkah. She said it was my “love” box and that whenever I was feeling down and needed comforting I could open the box and feel her love and warmth even if she wasn’t around. She said she’d placed a portion of her love in the box but, since her love was infinite, even a portion of infinite was infinite and that it would never ever run out no matter how many times I opened it. Ultimately, I think it was a real cool present and I was touched, of course, especially since it really is stuff like that which makes me love her.

But … you know …

I really wanted one of those neat little remote-controlled drones that zoom around – one with a spy camera! Man, that would be so cool. Flying that drone, skimming over houses stuff, checking out the neighborhood. Ah, well … maybe next year.

But, yeah, the love thing is neat.

The Clause That Represses

December 21, 2018

Okay, let me get this straight…

“You better watch out…” Ooh, sounds ominous. Nothing good can be on the horizon with a warning as dire as this.

“You better not cry…” Morality seems an absolute here. Very puritan.

“You better not shout, I’m telling you why…” Forget reasonable discourse. This is a dictate derived from a simple purpose: to bend others to one’s own will. My way or the highway. A parental “Because I said so!”

“Santa Claus is coming to town.” A notice of this calibre can mean one of two things: the subject is either a great egomaniac or a criminal who’s been forced to alert the populace when he’s entering a neighborhood.

“He knows if you’ve been sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…” So he’s spying on you, is he? Perhaps he’s outside right now, watching you. Sounds like a stalker to me.

“He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake…” And he’s apparently heavily judgmental too. Good, bad, what kind of labels are these? Is this based on ethical relativism or mere casuistry? And I think I detect a slight element of fear and inducement there as well.

Sigh.

Santa Claus. Father Christmas. Saint Nicholas. Not a very good role model, is he?

Basically, we’re talking about an obese elderly man who invites young children to sit on his lap and tell him what they want. He dresses flamboyantly and lives alone with a large collection of freaks and bizarre zoo rejects in what can best be described as an isolated compound. His whereabouts and activities are largely secret. He claims to have superhuman abilities. His PR is delivered in such a way as to suggest a Nazi-like propaganda machine.

And yet, he is beloved. He is anxiously awaited. He is considered to be the Spirit of Christmas.

Are we one ridiculously screwed up looney nation or what?

santa

December 19 Trivia Rankings

December 20, 2018

A lovely pre-yule crowd came out to play this week and I sure hope you were one of them. It was lovely to see some returning faces – and some new ones. Thanks for putting up with some math kerfuffles but we got it right in the end.

This week? We said goodbye to some familiar faces, hello to some rock inductees and “gimme a pint” to some awesome ice cream. And then there was this musical gem from the early aughts…

Now check out this week’s rankings and we’ll see you next week, Quizlings!

One Nation, Under Investigation 67
There’s No Crying in Trivia 65
Speaking Of Orcs 63
The Cotton-Headed Ninnymuggins 61
In Like Flynn 60
The Rest Of Our Team Is at Disney World. Dammit. 60
Merry Crust-mas 59
There’s Plenty Of Seating Outside 54
Paul Ryan’s Squat Count 52
The Inevitable Complaints 52
How Do You Know What Angle To Flick It At? 51
Trivia Newton-John 51
When I Think About You I Touch My Elf 50
Stephen Miller: Looking Sharpie 48
Grandma Got Run Over By A Tesla 48
12 Days Of Pizzamas 46
We Call Them Snowpersons Now 46
Laverne & Shirley 44
Jake’s Has No Seats 38

TCM Remembers 2018

December 18, 2018

Hankies at the ready, please. Yes, it’s that time of year again … the time when TCM Remembers. Yes, it’s sad but it’s also a true celebration of lives and legacies. (Plus your heart’s gotta soar just a wee bit when you see what may be the last Stan Lee cameo ever.)

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Holiday Edition)

December 14, 2018

 

Five Unpopular Holiday Songs

Santa Rabies

Over Joan Rivers and Through James Woods

I Saw Three Shemps

Winter Wonderbra

I’m Dreaming of a White Kwanzaa

 

Five Things I’d Like To Unwrap Christmas Morning

The Walking Dead Compendium

Roku

The Monkees The Complete TV Series on DVD

Anything Hello Kitty

Milana Vayntrub

 

Five Santa Claus Fears

The elves will revolt.

Red makes him look fat.

The Krampus will beat him in his fantasy football league.

Some kids will put Ex-Lax in the cookies they leave out for him.

Mrs. Claus will find the love letters to Yukon Cornelius on his hard drive.

 

Five Odd Christmas Superstitions

If you sleep with your feet on your pillow, Santa will bring you honey.

A tree that leans forward augurs either impotence or restlessness.

Wear no socks on Boxing Day and your true love will propose.

Place grapes in your stocking to ward off evil.

Elves will hide in the cracks of your ceiling and suck out your breath while you sleep if you’ve been naughty.

 

Five Holiday Character Confessions

“I’ve eaten venison.” – Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

“My cardiomyopathy makes me cranky.” – The Grinch

“I’ve been embezzling from the Savings & Loan for years.” – George Bailey

“I pretend that I’m melting but I’m really just peeing.” – Frosty the Snowman

“I’m Jewish.” – Charlie Brown

 

December 12 Trivia Rankings

December 13, 2018

A great big ole post-Chankah, pre-Yule howdy to all the Quizlings who came out to compete in this week’s triviafest. We’ll be doing it every Wednesday on into the New Year so don’t miss a single week! Plus, keep bringing those newbies and spreading the word about TJWNT (there’s an extra raffle ticket in it for ya, if ya do).

This week, we left the solar system with Voyager, shared a Nobel with Karl Ferdinand Braun and spoiled Deadpool 2 for you (sorry about that). And then there was this kitschy callback…

Now check out this week’s team rankings. How’d yours do?

Ho³ 62
Cohen To Jail 62
Oxford Comma Forever 58
Despite the News, Don’t Google Hershey Highway 58
Three’s Company 58
Trump Mansplains Democracy 54  (tie)
The Holiday Sledders 54  (tie)
Batson Who? 54
Baby It’s Cold Outside 54
Dirty Deeds Done Trump Cheap 53
The Good Looking Ones 53
The Table By The Trash 51
Jessie’s Pulling A Katy 47
Fans of Gordon Schumway 41
Another Bites The Crust 39

Can’t Weather All Get Along?

December 11, 2018

Due to the weather, I’ve heard the media use the term “black ice” more times than I care to count in the last 48 hours. As such, I can never hear it without recalling this Key & Peele sketch…