Archive for July, 2013

Wurst Week

July 31, 2013

When I was seven, my birthday party was held at the Wiener King. They roped off an area for us kids and had hot dog shaped balloons (which I though most balloons were, when you get right down to it) and a hot dog shaped cake and banana splits with red bananas to make them look like hot dogs. We got hot dogs for lunch and even played “pin the wiener on the bun.”

Man, that was some seriously messed up Freudian sh*t.

Role Model

July 29, 2013

“Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.” – William Feather

Apparently my parents had a grand old time in their adulthood then.

People I Hate #402 (In A Series)

July 27, 2013

Who: The inventor of the Cronut

Why: Croissant + doughnut = instant fame! But think about it – drunks and stoners and the morbidly obese are creating ridiculous new foods every day to no acclaim or profit whatsoever and some NYC foodie manages to wrangle the hipster zeitgeist and the next thing you know this portmanteau pastry is the belle of the bakery ball.

How I justify it: Spite … since the culinary school laughed me and my cannoléclair out of the kitchen.

12 Angry Minutes

July 25, 2013

Tough day. I and eleven others had to sentence a man to death.

No, I didn’t have jury duty – let’s just say a departmental meeting got slightly out of hand and there are some things you cannot take back.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

July 23, 2013

Five Royal Baby Name Odds

Winston, 10 to 1

Banger and/or Mash, 25 to 1

Yeezus, 13 to 2

Sharknado, 1 to 1

Outdated Heritable Succession Repressor, 10,000 to 1

 

Five Comic Con Nightmares

The panel featuring Joss Whedon was cancelled

That one Slave Leia cosplayer who made Mama Cass look svelte

I ran out of Travelers Cheques on Day 2

Matt Smith called my bowtie “fawning and obsessive”

BRONIES!!!!

 

Five Children’s Book Titles in Hell

Sarah, Pain and Toil

Ramona Quimby, Age 666

Where the Wild Things Decompose

James and the Giant Peach-Colored Goiter

Winnie-the-Poop

 

Five Failed Rubik Creations

Rubik’s Parallelogram

Rubik’s Rhomboid

Rubik’s Ouroborus

Rubik’s Prismatoid

Rubik’s Tangent

 

Five Things I’ll Never Say

Shave me, Snooki.

The grilled cheese is the worst idea for a sandwich, like, EVER.

Skittlemuchpornwafflenerkins!

Merrill Lynch advised me to invest heavily in snorkeling futures.

No, I don’t think Kirk Cameron is a freaky religious nutjob.

Bang, Zoom – To The Moon!

July 21, 2013

44 years ago, man first walked on the moon. Damn right they did. So take your wacko conspiracy theories and ridiculous scientific disbelief and – well, let Buzz Aldrin show you for himself…

The above took place on September 9, 2002 when Aldrin was lured to a Beverly Hills hotel on the belief he would be interviewed for a Japanese kids’ show but Apollo conspiracy theorist Bart Sibrel provoked him by calling him a liar. You can see a longer version here but that punch is worth a thousand words. Hell, I figure if anyone deserves to smack some bozo like this on the chin it’s a guy who walked on the freakin’ moon!

Party Foul

July 19, 2013

Here’s a fun thing to do. Tell your kid that there’s a surprise birthday party for a cousin or friend of a friend or distant relative – someone the kid doesn’t know. Then take him or her to a Toys ‘R’ Us and look around for a present. Spend a long time looking and get something really cool you know your kid would like. Go home, wrap the present and make your child take a bath and get all dressed up. Then drive the young one over to Chuck E. Cheese or some fun park or bouncy castle party place and go inside. When you ask where the party for the cousin or whoever is, they staff will of course say that there isn’t one. You can then pretend to get really angry like you just wasted a whole day for nothing and then you can smash up the toy present and drag your kid back home and make him do chores. Ha ha ha ha! That would be pretty darn funny, right? No, no, wait. Er, no, not funny, what’s the word? Ah… cruel! Yep, pretty darn cruel. Heh heh. Yeeeeah. Well, whatever floats your boat. I got issues.

Stupendous, Man

July 17, 2013

I cannot wait for this documentary.

If you read the funny pages in the 90s and were not enraptured with Calvin & Hobbes, then you have no taste, no brains and no soul.

Big Mistake

July 15, 2013

What the hell is wrong with America?! No, no, no, forget politics and any current events making the US seem backward and mean-spirited – we can take it as read that those are part and parcel of our collective screwed up agenda and misplaced priorities – no, I’m talking about pop culture. I’m talking about the movies.

Why the bloody blue blazes isn’t Pacific Rim the #1 movie in the country? It’s not even #2 – it’s third behind Despicable Me 2 and Grown Ups 2. Grown Ups 2, people? Are you high?! Pacific Rim has giant robots fighting giant monsters. It’s not a perfect film by any means but it’s the perfect summer blockbuster – turn off your mind and open your eyes for an awesome 3D IMAX experience. And, yeah, it’s got that guy from Sons of Anarchy and the BBC’s Luther and that woman from Babel who was nominated for an Oscar and even one of the dudes from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia but that’s not important because it’s got giant robots fighting giant monsters!

Seriously, what’s the hell is wrong with America?! People should be lining up around the block to see this thing. Action and adventure and sci fi and  – and – GIANT ROBOTS FIGHTING GIANT MONSTERS!

Fandango that son of a bitch right now if you know what’s good for the country.

With Great Poser …

July 14, 2013

Who is the lamest superhero, you ask? Most people who don’t read comics (and a few who do) will say Aquaman. But that’s because they’re idiots. Sure, the Superfriends cartoon made him look as useful as a plate of three-day-old tuna – and there were a few early Justice League issues that weren’t much better. I mean, seriously, Martian Manhunter may have had the dumbest weakness (fire) because he was essentially a Superman-level hero with ESP and invisibility and other cool powers and a match could take him out, yet Aquaman was consistently depicted as becoming as weak as limp fettuccine after exactly ONE HOUR out of water. Meaning at 59 minutes and he’s the King of The Seas but 60 seconds later and, bam, he’s lucky Mrs. Paul wasn’t his arch nemesis. Still, he was Atlantean royalty, so that’s gotta count for something! And he could talk to fish, which is more than you can do. Plus, his body was used to the pressures at the bottom of the sea so he had superstrength on land. Face it: This guy was no limpet.

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