Archive for January, 2018


January 29, 2018


Five First Date Conversation Killers

Story of redundant spleen removal

Euthanasia of elderly relatives

Scientology and/or Libertarianism


Costco-sized Lamisil supply in the back seat


Five Little Known Air Bud Sequels

Air Bud: Mixed Martial Arfs

Air Bud: Lord Stanley’s Pup

Air Bud: His Masters Tournament

Air Bud: Five for Biting

Air Bud: Closest to the Pinscher


Five People Whose Names I’ve Forgotten

My first girlfriend from 3rd grade

The lead singer of that band who opened for Pat Benatar (and the band as well)

My nanny

That woman in London on the roof of the youth hostel

All the guys who dated my mom (junior high and earlier)


Five New Days Of The Week I’d Like To See





The Weeknd


Five Video Game Character Fears

Fear of Italians – Donkey Kong

Fear of heights – Q*bert

Fear of Mike Tyson biting his ear off – Little Mac (Punch-Out!)

Fear of being voiced by Urkel – Sonic the Hedgehog

Fear of being enslaved by Keebler – Link (Legend of Zelda)


On Your Bike!

January 26, 2018

The video below may be the strangest thing I’ve seen since Jackie Gleason tripping on acid. It purports to be a 1963 Bicycle Safety Film but I think it’s really a perverse look into a post-apocalyptic world where apes evolved from men (and learned to ride bikes). These apes then allowed their offspring to roam the land in packs. Callous, sad offspring at that – the kind of kids who don’t even bother to stop when one of their own is horribly killed right in front of their eyes! Seriously, if this were a Bicycle Safety Film, why did the filmmakers fail to mention the cardinal rule of Scwhinn safety – don’t ride a bike while wearing a freaking monkey mask?!

I think the most amazing thing about this video isn’t the fact that, as a child, I broke every single one of these rules and was only slightly killed (true story) but that it reminds me of this most awesome video: A CHIMPANZEE RIDING ON A SEGWAY! Woo hoo! Look at him go!

January 24 Trivia Rankings

January 25, 2018

Wow, Quizlings! You never cease to amaze. This week’s game was the highest-scoring, closest game ever at Tomato Jake’s Wednesday Night Trivia! The lowest score was 57 and all but two teams tied with at least one other. Some amazing statistics there, no matter how you slice it.

Along the way, we talked about how fast we can go in the Tar Heel State, how close is the nearest NHL team and exactly what the plural of mantis is (hint: it’s not manti). Plus, there was this villainous Vulpes:

Now check out the rankings for the week and see how your team stacked up against the rest… (more…)


January 23, 2018

Am I the only one who was bothered that Paul Simon kinda half-assed it with his song 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover? Great song – a #1 hit in 1975 – but at best it’s a prime example of singer-songwriter slacking; at worst, it’s false advertising and fraud.

I mean, look: it’s supposed to be 50 ways to leave your lover. But how many does Simon give us? A half dozen or so, really, at the most, depending on how you define “leave.” There’s You just slip out the back, Jack and Hop on the bus, Gus – that’s two ways to leave your lover, granted. But what about Make a new plan, Stan and Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free – are these actual ways to leave your lover or just actions one might take if considering to leave or having already left a lover? And what the hell does You don’t need to be coy, Roy even mean? That’s not a way to leave, it’s an instruction to stop being an indecisive dweeb and make up your freakin’ mind!

So, honestly, even accepting these lame attempts at defining ways to leave your lover, we’ve got five ways to leave your lover. Five! Anyone besides me see a serious disparity here? Five is considerably less than fifty. And that’s an unreasonable stretch that can’t be attributed to pure exaggeration or hyperbole. It’s like Paul Simon wrote a song called 5 Ways To Leave Your Lover and the label said, “No, make it bigger! More than five! How about 50?! 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover!” “But, I only wrote five ways.” “Who cares? Nobody’ll notice.” Well, I did! I do! I noticed!

Paul Simon, you owe me 45 more ways to leave your lover! And you’re about 40+ years overdue.

It’s Alive!

January 21, 2018

Just remembered this awesome commercial for a B-movie horror that scared the hell out of me when I was a kid (only the ad – never saw the film).

Oh – and apropos of nothing, Kim and Kanye had a baby this week. Congrats!

People I Hate #211 (In A Series)

January 19, 2018

Who: The guy who opened the gourmet popcorn store at the mall.

Why: I’m assuming this dude didn’t just open it on a whim. He probably went to business school or worked as a manager some place where he learned his trade and I think it’s safe to assume he did some research and got a small business loan or some investors. So what business model does he choose? A proven franchise? A novel tried and true retail outlet with a local flavor? No. The nichiest of specialty boutiques, a gourmet popcorn store. Does he think people wake up every day and say to themselves, “Hey – I could really go for a bag of cotton candy flavored kettle corn. Let’s head to the mall!” or something stupid like that? Hell no – gourmet popcorn is an impulse purchase at best and this joker has decided to put all his economic eggs in one weak-assed gimmicky basket. He might as well call the store “Gone In 90 Days!”

How I justify it: He’s just taking up space that could be a Sanrio or a Halloween Express or something useful. Don’t waste my time – or my mall space!

Five Random Five

January 15, 2018


Five Noises That Frighten Me

Balloons popping

Snakes hissing

Sound of a pump-action shotgun

Unexplained scratches under my bed at night

Nickelback on the radio


Five Rarely-Used Condiment-Derived Adjectives







Five Reasons Not To Tip Your Waiter


The dessert arrives before the appetizer

He coughs in your face and laughs like a hyena

His BO is more pungent than your garlic curry

It’s a dine and dash!


Five Odd Things To Keep In Your Crisper Drawer

Leather falconry gauntlets

A calcified granuloma

A chastity belt

A copy of The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers #2

Actor J. K. Simmons


Five Muppet Mistakes

Getting drunk at Christmas Party & telling Kermit what you really think of him

Sharing a hot tub with Kevin Clash

Machine washing & not dry cleaning

Taking Henson’s name in vain

Biting the hand that fills you


Tales From My Screwed-Up Childhood #12

January 13, 2018

When I was a kid, I had a dog named Ringo. He was an older dog and I was really young – about three or four – when Ringo became ill and had to be put to sleep. Of course, my idiot parents didn’t want to tell me that, so they made up a story. No, not the “he went to live on a farm” one. I was told that Ringo had been taken to the vet but he had escaped from his cage and run out into the road and then been hit by a car. I have no idea how any adult could think that was the better white lie for a preschooler, but that’s the family in which I was raised.

Begins to explain a lot about me, eh?

January 10 Trivia Rankings

January 11, 2018

Far fewer flakes than last week, Quizlings. Thank Fishel for small mercies, eh? But a hearty thanks to all who came out to play.

Remember, Archer fans – you won’t want to miss next week’s game. Some lucky trivia player will go home with a special Archer-related prize from my own personal collection!

This week? We chatted about poetic birds, retired Bulls jerseys and sick film parents. Plus somebody got hepatitis! And then there was this big reveal…

Now, let’s see how your team did this week. Here are the rankings for 1/10/18:

Oprah/Hanks 2020 66
Call Me By Your Trivia Name 63
The Ugandan Knuckles 60
Mr. Ed The Real Stable Genius 60
YOU Don’t Know Jack 57
The Very Stable Trivia Geniuses 56
Golden Globes Heavyweight Champion 56
Colleen Will Take Your Leftovers 56
Four Tacos 55
Unstable Geniuses 54
Unstable Table 48
For Sale: Framed Penguin 47
North Korean Bobsled Team 47
We’re, Like, Really Smart At Trivia 46
Life’s A Beach 45
The HQTies 43


January 8, 2018

As ads go, it was pretty straightforward. Slightly sexy, but classy. Very upscale.

I caught sight of it in a local newspaper, sandwiched somewhere in between the want ads and the movie listings. About eight column inches all told – an ad for a fine clothier or furniture store, something of that nature. It showed a lovely female dressed seductively in a nice lacy slip or camisole lay demurely on a richly upholstered divan, maybe a day bed. She held in her arms a Siamese cat to which she seemed to be talking sweetly (no doubt a beloved pet). She wasn’t tarty or sleazy, no far from it – she was portrayed as a beautiful young woman with great taste, the perfect model, the perfect target audience identifier, sure to garner a few new clients for the upscale shop.

Point is, there’s this major league hottie in her underthings lounging on a sofa and what is the first thing I say upon seeing the ad?

“Ooooh!!! Kitty!”


Man, I have GOT to get out more.