Archive for September, 2007

Walk Softly

September 30, 2007

Forget carbon – what’s your A-hole footprint?  Vanity Fair has the answer here.

Dead … Wrapped In Irony

September 28, 2007

Do you remember how Laura Palmer died?  How about Mr. Hooper of Sesame Street?

Sound a little macabre? Well, yeah … but it’s also part of our pop culture.  Take THIS QUIZ at Mental Floss and see if you can remember how 12 television characters were offed on screen.

Personally, I thought the quiz was on the easy side but that’s because I was raised by the small screen.  TV was my babysitter.  Hell, it was my cloth monkey and I clung to it like Titanic debris in the chilly North Atlantic.  And losing most of these characters was like losing members of my own family (more memorable in some cases).

Rest in peace, old friends.

Naval Gazing

September 28, 2007

What’s the most pressing military issue?  The surge?  Protecting the homefront?  PTSD?

Howzabout making sure our buildings don’t look like Nazi symbols of hate?  Yeah, that’s a priority.  Click HERE for a gander at the Navy’s most impressive eyesore: a barracks that looks like a Swastika!  Yep.  So embarrassing is this structure that the Navy’s gonna spend over a half million of your tax dollars to redesign or disguise the damnable digs. 

Gee, you’d think if the Navy has withstood the likes of Ernest Borgnine and the Village People without breaking a sweat, then a little Hitlerific architecture would be nothing!

Am I Blue?

September 28, 2007

What happened to Mama Smurf?  Surely she existed.  There’s a Papa Smurf, so ergo …

My theory is that she died in childbirth.  I mean, she crapped out about a jillion blue kids – that’d be enough to kill anyone.  All those Smurf babies, man, that’s not even a litter – that’s a whole freakin’ dump!

Broadcast Nuisance

September 27, 2007

Hi there!  Welcome to the season premiere of THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE!  It’s a special two-hour season debut, complete with special effects, action-packed plot, guest-star cameos and the obligatory trip to France a la Facts of Life.  It all starts out when this jewel thief slips his ill-gotten goods into my backpack during a pilates class.  Of course, I don’t know what’s going on and there’s this whole ’round-the-world chase, kind of a It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World meets Gotcha!  Lots of fun. 

But don’t tune out after the season opener, no sir!  This season’s gonna be one small screen extravaganza after another.  There’s the dream episode in which I compete on Rock of Love, the all-singing-all-dancing musical episode choreographed by Paula Abdul and the “very special” episode where I lose my virginity to my boyfriend Tucker who’s home from college on fall break. 

A few changes of note though: veteran character actor Fyvush Finkel appears this season as my eccentric Grandpa Bert, replacing the departing Robert Guillaume.  The late George Peppard makes a return engagement as my dad but he’s no longer in the CIA – he now runs a bed & breakfast in Myrtle Beach.  Ken Berry does several guest spots as my imaginary friend “Mr. Jams” and Annie Potts shows up in a recurring role as my strict but loveable piano teacher Susie Belle.  Unfortunately, due to contractual snafus, Rosie Perez does not return as my sister Lucinda, so she’ll be written out early in the season by saying she’s “off at chiropractic school.”  And, fingers crossed, we’re still hoping to talk Charisma Carpenter into coming back as the unnamed girl next door who likes to sunbathe topless (there was still a story arc there that was never adequately wrapped up, as far as I’m concerned). 

All in all, I’m looking forward to the new season.  Heck, it’s not easy putting out this yummy muffin o’ fun called THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE but it sure is worth it.  Our Nielsens more than testify to that.

My Dream Job

September 25, 2007

Seriously. What do you need to major in to get this gig? 

Better update my resume now.

A Seminal Idea

September 24, 2007

The Internet. 

A wild, wonderful, wacky world of web whimsy.  From unique and useful archival information to creative and artistic fiction and video, the dubya dubya dubya is a portal for the everyman to access the universe as we know it, warts and all. But has technology gone too far? 

Driving to a movie a while back, I heard a radio promo for an NPR show on fertility science.  A throwaway line used to tout the piece mentioned a fact about our online outlet that I did not know.  Maybe you did.  Check this out: 

You can now buy sperm over the Internet. 

That’s right.  Sperm.  The male gamete!  The juice of life!  Poppaseed!  SPERM!!!   

Now, really, understand that I am not out to make fun of the impotent or the infertile, but I must point out that if you are so desperate to make a baby you are willing to purchase semen over the Internet then maybe you aren’t cut out to be a parent.   

At the very least, maybe you should seriously consider adoption!  Or a goldfish.

Bach File

September 23, 2007

Well, ABC kicks off another season of The Bachelor this week.  Sigh.  Bitter?  Hell yes!  That could have been me fighting for the affections of dozens of lovely young women with low self esteem and daddy issues.  Maybe it’s how I presented myself.  You be the judge.  Here’s my application for The Bachelor. 

Name: Sparky Tiberius MacMillan
Address: Somewhere in the Triangle
Home #: unlisted
Work #: unlisted
Cell #: unlisted
Pager #: unlisted
Fax #: listed, but I forget
Birthdate: 8-11-73
Age: Duh. You figure it out, Einstein
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 175, soaking wet
Hair Color: Taupe
Eye Color: Freakishly Green
How did you hear about our search: I was surfing the Web looking for some halfway decent por – um, portfolio additions, and I happened upon your site.
Are you currently:
Working Full Time: Yes
Unemployed: Yes
Working Part Time: Yes
Student: Yes
Occupation: Free Spirit
Annual Salary: A million or so. Cents
What is your highest level of education? I have a Masters degree. In science!
School(s) Attended: Kindergarten, elementary school, junior high school, high school & university
Are you a legal resident of the United States? Oui
Have you ever been arrested, charged or convicted of a crime of any type? Convicted? No.
Have you ever been arrested, charged or convicted with a violent offense? Abso-bloody-lutely not!
Have you ever had a temporary restraining order issued against you? Yes
If so, please give details and dates: I’m not proud of it but there was this incident in 1995 when I believed that I was married to Mira Sorvino and I spent a month living in her pantry.
Have you ever filed for bankruptcy or chapter 11? Not yet.
Have you ever been a performer, participant or contestant on television, radio or in film? I was seen on “When Animals Attack” being savagely mauled by an angry dik dik.
Have you ever been married? Yes
If so, how many times? Once per woman.
Have you ever been divorced? Yes
If so, for how long? Permanently
Do you have any children? None that I acknowledge
Are you genuinely looking to get married? You betcha!
Why would you want to try to find your spouse on our TV show? Equally Yoked laughed me out of the office.
How many serious relationships have you been in? Seventy-seven
What happened to end those relationships? The husband came home.
Where did you grow up? Most people agree I haven’t yet.
What are your hobbies? Kicking butt and chewing gum. And I’m all outta gum.
What is a unique talent you are most proud of? The ability to please a woman by simply exiting the room.
List the 3 adjectives that best describe you: Single. White. Female.
What accomplishment are you most proud of? Finishing that damn sudoku.
Why would you be a great husband? I’m just a love machine. And I won’t work for nobody but you.
Why are you America’s Most Eligible Bachelor? Because I’m willing to degrade myself on national TV by setting the institution of marriage back 500 years.

Man. I just can’t figure it.  Thought I was a shoe in.

American Creed

September 21, 2007

If you’re a fan of The Office (NBC version), you’re no doubt familiar with Creed. At first, little more than a background character, Creed has evolved into an office oddball, alternating between freaky and creepy. 

Played to perfection by former Grass Roots member, Creed Bratton, Creed is offbeat, misguided, cantankerous, spiteful, amoral and hilarious.  And if, like me, you crave more Creed action, you are in luck: Creed has a blog!

Check out the random inanity of his rambling CREED THOUGHTS at But hurry: it’s crap apple season!

End Quote

September 20, 2007

Have you “ever” seen quotation marks where “quotation marks” shouldn’t be?  The unnecessary and “egregious” use of quotation marks is a “plague” upon our land. Posters, signs, menus, “what have you” – these are all littered with a punctuation misuse so devastatingly “subtle” that it often goes “overlooked” by the common peruse monkey.

That’s where the “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks comes in.  Check it out for a giggle or two.  Or to see what English majors blog about.