Archive for June, 2012

Hard To Do

June 29, 2012

I remember back in college … well, actually the summer right after college … I tried to grow a beard to see what it was like. I figured that if I was an adult male I should at least know what it was like to have facial hair and if I didn’t like it I could easily shave it off.  Thing is, I could only go a few days. The beard was scratchy and felt odd on my face. I eventually shaved it because I could tell that a beard just wasn’t what I wanted or needed and there was no point in pretending otherwise.

On an unrelated note, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are getting a divorce.

Cheers, folks!

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Supreme Curt

June 28, 2012

Hey, SCOTUS, don’t bend over backwards trying to pat yourselves on your collective back. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

People I Hate #134 (In A Series)

June 26, 2012

Who: The guy who called me “Boss Man” at the convenience store.

Why: He didn’t know me. He didn’t even work there. He was just some schlub who couldn’t be bothered to walk around me but saw fit to brush right past me like I was in his way and make it good with a noncommittal, “’Scuse me, Boss Man.”

How I justify it: I don’t even know what the hell that means?! It’s not like there’s anything about me that suggests I’m in charge of anything or screams, “Hey, plebes, I am the one percent! Bow down!” So when this jerk breezed by and drawled “’Scuse me, Boss Man” in such a dismissive way I just had a visceral reaction.  I literally saw red and wanted to lodge the nearest can of Quaker State into the least convenient orifice on this redneck doofus.

Not proud of it but there it is.

Thar She Blows

June 25, 2012

Hi, I’m, like, Debby, and I’ll, like, be causing lots of damage to your immediate vicinity today.  Oh, sure.  I know you’ve probably heard that I’m, like, just a “tropical storm” or “tropical wave” or something-or-other.  I dunno.  Names!   I mean, it’s all so weird, don’tcha know.   Sounds like a Hawaiian Punch flavor.  But, hey, like, I am a force of nature and all and I will so totally devastate your village or town or thingie.  Whatever!  It’s so cool, y’think?  Meanwhile, you might wanna, like, you know, evacuate or something?  And I hope you have insurance.  That’s kind of important, don’tcha know.  Like, my dad worked with State Farm or Prudential or something back in ’86 but then he, like, had a breakdown and retired to Arizona.  We don’t talk much.  Bummer, I know, because I was such a daddy’s little girl it’s not funny!  So, anyway, ohmigawd, I am sooooo ‘off message’ here!   Where was I?  Me, killer storm, you, my own personal pizza.  Ha ha.  Sorry, I’m, like, being silly but I not a freak or anything.  No, I bet you think I, like, do all that creepy girly stuff, like, dot my I’s with cutesy hearts and all.  But, no way!  No!  I’m so really, like, down to earth and next-door and all.  You wouldn’t even know it’s me if you, like, ran into me on the street.  No!  I’d be all “Hi, how are you.  Ev’rything, like, okay?”  But, y’know, it’s all good, so they say.  But, oh, like, look at the time, I have so got to run now.  People to kill, destruction to wreak.  See you soon!  Buh-bye!

Huh!  Debby.  The National Hurricane Center has got so much to answer for!

Trial Mock

June 23, 2012

I’d like to imagine at the Jerry Sandusky trial during the verdict when the judge said You have been found guilty by a jury of your peers Sandusky’s lawyer shouted, “Your honor, this is a travesty! How can you possibly call these twelve citizens a jury of Mr. Sandusky’s peers when I seriously doubt a single one of them has ever fondled a young boy in the shower?!”

SPARKY’S SUMMER TO DO LIST

June 22, 2012

Since folks have asked what I’ll be up to this summer season, I’ve compiled a little list. Now, understand it is still a work in progress but I think this pretty well encapsulates my plans for the next three months…

See Brave in 2D, 3D, RealD 3D, IMAX, IMAX 3D and DLP Digital Projection

Leave out more sex toys to confuse Chinese villagers

Teach my cats a neat dance I choreographed to Call Me Maybe

Swim with the Dolphins

Comfort Ann Curry when she gets fired

Manscape

Create new seafood delicacy called fishtoes

Record full season of Bunheads on DVR and watch in one epic dance marathon

Sell illegal fireworks at roadside stand with cousin Stumpy

Patch holes in my Spider-Man costume for Amazing Spider-Man premiere on July 3rd

Practice my close up magic for the boys down at the VFW

Build a 1:1 scale Lego model of an Easter Island head

Put taxi medallion up for sale on Craigslist

Fight Minotaur to death

Drink all the soda I can before Bloomberg makes it illegal

Watch Olympic opening ceremonies

Construct garden maze in the shape of Dame Judi Dench

Finish sock monkey

Go to Kroger and draw funny faces on watermelons with magic marker

Get Dr. Scholl’s inserts

Catch 98 Degrees reunion at Mixtape Festival in Hershey, PA

Don’t fill up on breadsticks

1) Get grandma job as bus monitor 2) make video of bullies harassing her 3) start sympathy fund 4) profit!

Stock up on Ban de Soleil for the Saint-Tropez tan

Join Julian in Ecuadorean exile

Well, damn. I’ve got my work cut out for me. See you in Autumn, suckers!

Patience

June 20, 2012

“A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.” – Maxwell Planck

Thus, someday, millions will come to understand and view Pauly Shore as the comic genius he is.

People I Hate #93 (In A Series)

June 19, 2012

Who: Those people with cardboard license plates on their cars.

Why I Hate Them: Who do they think they’re kidding? Like they’re so damn busy they can’t stop by the DMV to get a replacement. I mean, they’ve got a cardboard sign in their back window fer cryin’ out loud! If they honestly were one of the movers and the shakers of the world, one of those select few who really were so gosh-darned busy that they seriously didn’t have time to run down to the DMV to pick up replacement tags, then they wouldn’t have a crappy hand-scratched sign on cardboard in their bleedin’ back window!

How I justify it: It’s illegal! And if there was any justice in the world you’d see the bastards on the side of the road, cardboard sign and all, after they’d been pulled over for not displaying the proper tags! However, the fact that you don’t and these yokels carelessly zoom zoom around the highways and byways with their low-rent replacement tags simply gives rise to my immaculate enmity!

Happy Father’s Day From The Kids In The Hall

June 17, 2012

That Bites

June 15, 2012

There’s an old adage in the newspaper biz that says a story about a dog biting a man is not news yet a story about a man biting a dog is. Unfortunately, the fourth estate isn’t what it used to be and what passes for journalism these days leaves a lot to be desired. So it doesn’t surprise me that I signed onto the Internet and was greeted by the following headline about an experienced mountaineer: Climber dies after 1,000-foot fall on Mount Hood. Certainly one might argue that the death of such a skilled adventurer might be of interest but I say, following the man bites dog axiom, this is not news. However, should the opposite have held true I think we can all agree that Climber gets up and walks away unscathed after 1,000-foot fall on Mount Hood would have been utterly and completely newsworthy.