Archive for July, 2011

Bumper Crap

July 31, 2011

I was driving along the interstate earlier this evening and I saw a car with the following on the bumper: NEVER TRUST A NURSE. Seriously. “Never Trust A Nurse.” Not the catchiest of slogans, if I may say so. And as far as bias goes I’ve never quite associated nurses with deserving the same hatred as, say, lawyers or reality TV stars. Certainly not as stereotypical as a bias against a country of origin or religion or a political party. But there it was, for the world to see – an anti-nurse pronouncement on the back of his ride, perfectly at home with the Visualize World Peace sticker or the American flag decal (had there been either).

I guess it’s interesting to note that it wasn’t a bumper sticker. No. This dude had apparently written Never Trust A Nurse in sharpie or something on the back of his bumper (think it’s safe to say he couldn’t find a sticker with that sentiment for sale at Stuckey’s) because he felt so strongly about it. My instinct says it’s not a carte blanche distrust of the profession but personal, per se. If I had to lay odds I’d say it probably involves a bumbling, brusque removal of a catheter.

Darned Response

July 30, 2011

Can we, as a society, at last get behind something that will no doubt piss off the manners mavens but will let the rest of us regular jamokes off the proverbial hook for something we shouldn’t have been on the hook for in the first place?

When it comes to an invitation with an RSVP, I shouldn’t have to respond if I’m not attending. I’ll respond only if I’m enhancing your little soiree with my presence, so if you don’t hear from me consider me a ghost!

I mean, the way I see it – your invitation to me shouldn’t include homework. That’s like saying, “Hey, I’d like to buy you dinner. But you’ll have to cook it.” If you want to do me a favor and include me in your birthday bash or impending nuptials, don’t make me jump through hoops in the process. I’ll be a mensch and let you know that you need to order another vegetarian entree or stock up on diet soda if I’m planning on being there, however my silence should be taken not as the type of social slight that would make Emily Post frown but rather my eschewal of the invitational festivities – no affront intended or perceived.

So the next time someone tells you to répondez s’il vous plaît, tell them you will. But only if the answer is Oui.

Pop Goes The Weasel

July 29, 2011

All I got to say is if you have ever had anything to do with – or know someone who has had anything to do with – even tangentially – pop-up ads on the Internet then you are horrible scum who will die a slow, painful death – unless I die first then I will come back from the dead and haunt your soul with a fierce, evil hatred born of the pain that is having to deal with your damn pop-up ads!

Seriously. Pop-ups.  Wouldn’t your time be better spent making fun of orphans or pushing grandma down the stairs?!

Sword & Snarkery

July 28, 2011

It’s Stephen Lynch’s birthday, so here’s an old favorite to celebrate: D&D!

Trace of Cakes

July 27, 2011

The cake I got for my 15th birthday was so good, I saved a slice of it.

I keep it pressed between the pages of a book – Carl Sagan’s Cosmos. No real significance there.

Unfortunately, it’s gotten kinda sticky and moldy. Doesn’t taste quite as nice now. Maybe I should’ve frozen it.

Sweet Land Of Responsibility – Of Thee I Sing!

July 26, 2011

“Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.” — George Bernard Shaw

Which explains why I don’t have a Daddy.


July 25, 2011

Five Reasons NOT To Fear The Reaper

After laundry accident, his cloak is now pink

He’s a crappy chess player

Scythe is made of NERF

He sounds like Urkel

Blue Oyster Cult said so


Five Overrated Things

Your sports team

Your school

Your favorite musical group

Your town

Your mama


Five Little-Used Texting Abbreviations

PUB – Parent Under Bed

IPY – I Palpate You

KUTGC – Keep Up The Grilled Cheese!

VBR – Very Big Rash

TCBY – The Country’s Best Yogurt


Five Possible Titles for My Autobiography

Confessions of a Dangerous Mime

I Was A Teenage Biscuit Maker

You kids get off my lawn!!

Hug The Cloth Monkey

Hello Kitty, Goodbye Dignity


Five Surprises in the Last Harry Potter Film

Hogwarts loses its accreditation

Dumbledore was Gandalf’s gay lover

Ron Weasley is not as thick as everyone thought!

Wands revealed to be thinly-veiled phallic symbols

JK Rowling owns all of Britain (and most of Europe)

Sparky MacMillan is like a walrus flossing.

Bard Games

July 24, 2011

Just bloody watch.

Get Up and Dance Like Apes!!

July 23, 2011

Some things cannot be explained. Some things need not be explained. This may be a little bit of both.

Casual Fail

July 22, 2011

I saw an article in the paper titled “Go To Work In Your Pajamas.” I thought it was a pretty cool idea, so I showed up at the office in my night wear. Unfortunately, management didn’t care for it as much. Turns out, the article wasn’t about a new business casual but about telecommuting instead. I guess I should read the fine print next time. (And maybe get some pajamas that don’t have Hello Kitty characters on them.)